Hello. I hope you're having a great day. Let me just put a real quick warning on this chapter. I hope you enjoy it.
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The beat blasted through the gigantic speakers, drowning whatever thought she had been having. The alcohol in her veins was making her slightly dizzy, letting her stumble around the club and onto the dancefloor. It was hot, there were too many people around her, but it was somehow what she needed. Many people. So that she would drown between them. So that she would not be seen. She just wanted to have her fun, she wanted to do what she needed to do, she wanted to enjoy her life, she wanted to enjoy the night.
Hands were all over her slim body as she continued her way, coming to a halt in the middle of the dancefloor, pressed against another body. Warm hands were finding their way beneath her shirt, fingers ghosting over her soft skin, caressing it gently. Joanna did not turn around, did not care who was standing behind her, she only kept enjoying the body contact and the attention while the alcohol continued to cloud her mind. The hands wandered down and grabbed her ass, a soft but still surprised sound escaping her lips.
"Such a beauty, aren't you?" The guy muttered, which caused Joanna to turn around. Her expression was as arrogant as she could manage, which caused the stranger to laugh.
"Oh, I like the arrogant ones, they have so much fight in them." He told Joanna, which caused the Austrian to lift an eyebrow.
She was here to forget, enjoy herself, and ignore the desire to just take one of the pills she had put on the highest shelf in the bathroom, so she wouldn't reach them without getting something she could climb up on.
It was a precautionary measure and it had worked at first, but then she thought about the conversation with Max, and the urge to just not feel anything anymore grew. She was on the verge of taking the pills, so she decided to go out. Lots of people were a good distraction. Or so she thought.
Joanna had thought about taking someone home with her tonight, so she wouldn't be alone with her little addiction problem, but surely not such a dickhead.
It was so loud around them, the lights were blinding her eyes, the people around her touching them from time to time, but it was as if the stranger's presence which told Joanna to not get lost in the masse of people, she had to be careful and pay attention.
"Has that ever worked?" She wanted to know, while she crossed her arms over her chest. Totally unimpressed with the guy in front of her, but he still wasn't giving up. Which annoyed Joanna greatly.
"Oh, gorgeous. You're talking with me, which means it works perfectly fine." She felt the man press against her once more, his hands grabbing her body with a certain strength as he pushed her from the dancefloor, past all the dancing people.
"Let me fuck you." He muttered into Joanna's ear, which caused her to push away from the guy, looking at him as if he had lost his mind, but he was fast to invade her personal space again, Pressing his body against hers.
"Open up, sweetheart." The stranger's fingers traced her soft rosy lips, shoving something beneath her tongue. Protest startled to bubble up inside her, but a pair of soft lips distracted her, grounding her once more. At that moment Joanna knew she was fucked.
She looked around in confusion and panic, nervousness spreading in her stomach, together with a well-known calmness. She had done this often enough to know what would happen. And she already anticipated the few minutes of feeling worshipped in a dirty bathroom before the self-hatred could come back again.
Her life had not always been like this. She had not chased the highs in her life all the time. There had been a time where she had been happy. But then, her world had started to crumble and crackdown, shattering her soul slowly but surely. More and more often, she had gone out alone. Without her friends, seeking out her own way of destruction. Drinking and smoking throughout the whole night.
She was never interested in people who liked her for her money or for her name. Alone was what she had, what protected her.
She always wanted to be a good and dutiful daughter. She thought she would get her father's attention back this way, but no matter what she did, he did not seem to care about Joanna. So, her nights became longer, the time she stayed at home was next to none and she learned how to deal with the kind of nightlife she needed to forget for just a few hours.
How to get drinks without paying for them just because it was fun, how to do your makeup to get a guy to take you home for the night, how to say the right words during sex in a club bathroom with a faceless stranger. The last time she had used one of these skills was years ago. She had been in a bad place back then, seemed like she was back in the same place again.
Joanna did everything to get at least some attention, and she enjoyed it while it lasted, before she fell back into the deep void of her brain.
Joanna got hold of the guy's shirt. She felt dizzy and so unsteady, which told her what the stranger had pushed under her tongue.
"Ecstasy. Of course. What did she think, of course, the guy only wanted to fuck her when she was on drugs." She thought bitterly. "Max would never do something like that to me." But Max was out of the picture now.
Nobody was going to come to her rescue in shining armor. If she really wanted to get rescued, she had to do it herself, but she was far too afraid to face her own demons to do so. Joanna could never mention her little problem with drugs to anybody in the paddock without losing her seat and destroying her career. She had to take care of it like every other driver who had a problem. In the winter break.
She lifted her head to look into the mirror as she was pressed against a sink, the stranger keeping up a quick pace to open his shirt and to pull down his pants and boxers. When did they go to the bathroom? A slap echoed through the room and her lips parted to a moan, her stormy grey eyes locking with those of her mirror image. "What are you doing to yourself?"
"Such a good girl. Gonna fuck you real good. Come on, spread your legs for daddy." Even though it was so loud even in the bathroom, she could hear the stranger's voice clearly.
Still staring into the mirror, she started to zone out, only slightly feeling how the stranger opened the zip on her black miniskirt. Instead, her eyes wandered across her face, taking in the destroyed look. The bags beneath her eyes were too dark for the smeared makeup to cover them. Her nude lipstick was smudged, and she had stains from her eyeliner and her mascara around her stormy grey eyes. She looked sweaty and drunk. Her eyes slightly dilated. The golden, slightly curly hair, from which the longer strands were falling into her face no matter how many times she pushed them back again look frizzy. Joanna was such a mess.
Her eyes fluttered shut as the stranger pushed inside, fucking her at a steady pace straight away, moaning over and over again. The Austrian would have rolled her eyes and told him to shut up could she feel her body.
She did not remember who finished first, if she finished at all or how the man pulled out of her, dressing and leaving the bathroom, leaving her alone. She did not know when she sank down onto the ground, her head leaning against the cold pipe of the sink. Her tights were torn, and she only pulled her skirt over her thighs with a lot of weariness. The stranger hadn't even taken it off, just pushed it up.
She only remembered how lonely she had felt, how she enjoyed the cold feeling of the pipe against her heated skin, cooling it down. The next thing that came to her mind was darkness. A welcoming darkness, warm and soft, like a hug from someone who loved her when she was a kid, something she longed for so deeply but would never receive.
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Light. Brightness. The sound of birds and the sea outside the window. She pressed her eyes shut the second she had opened them, burying her head in the soft pillow beneath her head. Wait, where did that pillow come from? And since when was it in the morning? Had she not been at the club? Where was she?
Joanna sat up slowly, opening her stormy eyes carefully, getting used to the brightness while she brushed her fingers through her golden hair.
The room she was in was beautifully decorated, mostly black furniture standing out from the white walls but the room also had a ridiculous touch of orange and some black and white pictures on the walls. One picture was standing on the bedside table.
Carefully she lifted it up before gently letting her fingers touch the frame as if fearing to destroy the image and the memory. Although she did everything, she could do destroy her memories anyway. Tears rose to her eyes. It was the same picture that lay on her living room floor, buried under a broken frame and shards of busted glass.
Looking down she noticed that she was wearing a white and a rather old band shirt. It was one of these Dutch bands Max has like so much when he was still a teenager. So, yesterday.
She let the picture sink into her lap struggling with tears as someone opened the door to the bedroom. She swallowed hard and looked up from the picture. She wasn't surprised when she lifted her head and looked right into Max's blue eyes. He was leaning against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest.
"Max." She murmured quite confused to see him, but his name came from her lips without a problem she had said it so often, and still, it felt odd. She loved Max, with all her heart and her brain seemingly having remembered everything that had happened between them, well everything good.
"I was worried about you." He told her quietly, sitting down next to her on the bed, but still with enough space between them, to not make it intimate.
"The way I found you in that club, you were barely responsive," Max added, his eyes were painfully closed and his finger had formed a fist, while still clinging to the fabric of his sweatpants.
"You shouldn't have taken care of me," Joanna told him, her hand itching to touch. She wanted him with every fibre of her body, but she couldn't do that to him.
Joanna was a mess and Max deserved someone, who could be there for him. He deserved someone, he could trust and count on. As hard as it was, Joanna wasn't this person. She was the one, who needed to be taken care of. Not the one that could provide care.
"Why would you say that?" Max wanted to keep his distance. He really tried, but as soon as he saw, that a few strains of her hair have fallen into her face, he couldn't hold himself back anymore. Reaching out to brush them behind her ear, which caused Joanna to look up at him.
"You can't care about me. Max, you can't do that to yourself." She told him. Tears gathered in her eyes. Joanna didn't want him to risk his heart like that, because she knew she would disappoint him again.
"That's not your decision to make, J." He loved Joanna and not even a painful breakup could change that. He reached out to her, carefully brushing her hair back behind her ear. The Austrian looked up at him, swallowing heavily.
"Damn it, Max." Joanna cursed as she allowed the first tears to slide down her cheeks. The younger Ferrari driver scrambled up from where she was sitting, crawling over to Max and flinging her arms around him, pressing her nose in the crook of his neck. It felt right, holding him close and breathing in his scent. Max held her close, safe and secure against his chest. Not willing to let her go.
"I can't win," he mumbled softly, sighing as Joanna ran her hand through his hair, her eyes on him. Caring, waiting for him to explain himself.
"Having you, not having you. It all hurts."
"I never wanted to hurt you." She uttered close to his ear, which made him smile sadly at her, before he pushed her away, a little. Joanna thought he did it in the first moment because he had heard enough, but as soon as she saw his expression, she knew he wasn't going to throw her out. He might never let her leave altogether.
"I'm sorry. For so many things. You deserve so much more, which is why I can't allow you to forgive me." Joanna said, before taking a shaky breath. She could feel her heart breaking but the worst thing was that she felt his heart shatter.
Pushing away from Max, she climbed out of bed and started to collect her clothes. Max had put them on the armchair in the corner, everything was neatly folded. Her phone and purse laying on top of everything.
Joanna started to dress as swiftly as she could, while Max still sat on the bed, with the framed picture of them laying in his lap, before he spoke again. His gaze still set on the picture. He couldn't look at Joanna.
"Why is it always you, who decides these things?" Max asked, which caused Joanna to turn around to face him for a moment before she turned back around and took Max's shirt of.
"Because I know what will happen when I let you decide. You want to fight for us and I will give in because I'm weak for you." Joanna grew more frustrated with every word she said, causing her to throw his shirt, which she was wearing as sleepwear to crumple it up before throwing it back at the armchair, before working to get her bra on.
"And maybe it will work out, in the beginning until I fuck up again. Because let's face it, I will fuck up again." Joanna stopped in the middle of her little speech as she felt Max's fingertips on her back. She hadn't even noticed that he got up from his bed. Gently swatting her hands away, Max closed the bra for her, which caused Joanna to turn around and face him again.
"I'm just too damaged to be good for you. I will hurt you and I don't want to cause you pain ever again." Joanna got out what she wanted to say, which meant she should go now, but her body didn't move. Her eyes were still set on Max's, who leaned forwards to gently bump his nose against hers before resting their foreheads together. Causing Joanna to close her eyes and welcome the grounding feeling of Max's hands on her hips.
"Give in." Max simply muttered, which caused Joanna to question herself if he had listened to her at all. That was all he was interested in from her little speech right now.
"Let me make this decision," Max ordered her, before pressing his lips against hers. Pulling Joanna into a desperate kiss, which was meant to tell her all the things he couldn't say. All the emotions he felt, but could never put in words and fully to Joanna's dismay, she understood. Every emotion Max felt, everything he wanted her to know but never could say.
Deeping the kiss, Joanna fisted her hand in Max's shirt before pulling him closer. The little gesture of want and desire caused Max to let a little moaning sound escape his throat, before pulling Joanna even closer.
"I should go," Joanna muttered after a few moments in which both of them tried to get some air back into their lungs. As soon as Max realized what Joanna was saying he wanted to speak, but Joanna beat him to it.
"You deserve better." She smiled slightly, but Max only shook his head. Silence fell across them, both of them switching between looking into each other's eyes and down at their linked hands.
A few moments later, Max watched as a fully clothed Joanna squeezed throw the door to leave everything behind.
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11. November 2016
New week, new luck. Two more races to go which brought the F1 to Brazil. Two more fights of modern-day gladiators, who were out for blood, gold, and champagne. Warriors, ready to do everything to win the race, but a race can be won or lost before the actual race had even started.
In Qualifying. A simple concept Joanna knew since forever. For her, this was GP number 170 and season number 9 after all. So, nothing new but always a big deal. The first two free practice sessions hadn't shown the results they had hoped for before, but Joanna wasn't one to play safe. She had this and the next race at Ferrari before she would change the team. There was no reason to please this bunch of old ... well Italians. All she had to do was survive qualifying later that day and things would look good for tomorrow.
"Is that a hickey on your neck?" Kiwi shout-whispered as soon as Joanna came running into the Ferrari facility, way too late and her skin was sickly pale.
The Austrian reached out to touch the side of her neck, an unsure look on her face.
"Would you be surprised when I tell you that I really don't know?" She asked, her voice pleasantly friendly, but Kiwi knew that Joanna wasn't feeling well even though she tried her best to appear unbothered by everything which was happening around her.
Watching her for a few moments, Kiwi gave her a disapproving glance. She didn't even want to ask Joanna what had happened. The Aussie rather moved forward and pushed the collar of Joanna's polo shirt down with two fingers, before shaking her head disappointed.
"You need help, Joanna. This, this is not good, and you know it." Kiwi warned which caused the younger woman to frown.
Yes, of course, Joanna knew that what she was doing to herself wasn't good and she was scared of how unbothered she was about it all when she took these pills. The numbness they provided was simply better than the pain which waited in the real world for her.
"I'll take care of it during the winter break. There are only two races left, I can do that." It wasn't the first time Joanna made such a promise, but it also wasn't the first time they were in this kind of situation. Joanna always struggled with drugs. Mostly pain medication, sleeping pills, antidepressants, and on the worst days Ritalin. Kiwi knew all the promises Joanna would make.
"Have you taken anything today?" Kiwi wanted to know, which caused Joanna to nod softly. At least she was still honest with her.
"Ibuprofen for the headache. That's it, I swear. I've got it under control." Kiwi passed her a team jacket and helped Joanna turn the collar upwards.
"Two races to go, then." Kiwi allowed a little bit uneasy.
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Coming down from the adrenalin, it hit her harder than it had in a very long time. Joanna never thought it would be like that ever again. It is strangely uncomfortable to be alone now. Normally Joanna loved to be on her own but now she felt unsteady. Again. That was the downside of success.
It was a great feeling to be cheered on by so many people, but the harder it was for Joanna to be alone again. It was the contrast that broke so many young talents and she was afraid that it would break her as well. After all these years, she should be immune to it. Joanna was not a rookie, she had been in the public eye all her life and never knew anything else. It was her life.
Nervously biting her lip, Joanna knew that there was a bottle in her handbag, which would make things easier. A way to relax. A way to be very far away.
Getting up from the bed, Joanna brushed her hand over her face, before opening her purse. She seared a few moments for the bottle until Joanna finally found it. Opening the bottle and throwing the lit on the bed. Joanna put four pills in her hand and hesitantly brushed her thumb over them.
The younger Ferrari driver was about to take the pills but stopped as she heard a phone vibrate on the bed. Looking over, Joanna put the pills back into the bottle, before sitting down on the bed to take a look at her phone.
"Give in." was all the messages said, but it was enough for Joanna to lay back down on the bed. Starring through the window, Joanna blindly reached for the bottle of pills. Max had no idea how ironic his message was. He just wanted to show her that he cared and that was enough to make her push the bottle of pills on the ground, spilling them every.
"Better not." That was all Joanna texted back. She tried to relax. Tomorrow would be an important day. An opportunity to make sure she wouldn't be forgotten for a very long time.