"Pagod na ako."
Paulit-ulit kong naririnig ang mga salitang binitawan niyang iyon. Tatlong salita lamang ngunit hindi iyon mawala-wala sa aking isipan.
Hindi ko alam kung anong pagod ba ang sinasabi niya.
Pagod na ba siya sa akin? Pagod na ba siya sa pagiging cold ko araw-araw? Bakit? Dahil ba hindi ko magawang mag-first move para magka-usap kami.
Kung iyon ang problema, pipilitin ko ang sarili kong unahan siya sa lahat. I'll try my best to do first moves. I'm just in hesitant to text him first because of the thought that I might disturb him. I know he's busy with his studies and I can clearly understand that. I just don't want to be the clingy girlfriend because I don't want to be toxic. I want to offer him a healthy relationship as much as I could.
He doesn't want the idea of me wearing dress. I see... I won't wear dress anymore even if someone asked me to. Even I am required to wear one. I'll just refuse invitations that will make me wear dress. Ayaw ko ang may pinag-aawayan kami.
Few weeks have passed but I really couldn't reach him. Para bang nandiyan lamang siya sa kabilang kanto pero pakiramdam ko ay napakalayo niya sa akin. It felt like we're thousand kilometers from each other. I can't stand this anymore. I want to see him. I missed him so much.
I'm always sending him good morning messages but I'm not expecting any replies from him. Sometimes he'll reply to me but he's so cold. Colder than me.
Me:
Good morning, my love! :))
Cool off... Cool off ang tawag dito. Nagpapalamig lamang siya ng ulo kaya hindi niya magawang kausapin ko. Naiintindihan ko... Naiintindihan ko ang ginagawa niya. Galit siya sa akin at ayaw niyang masabihan ako ng hindi maganda kaya nilalayo na lamang muna niya ang kaniyang sarili mula sa akin.
I want to run and hug him but I couldn't do that. He... He needed space. Maybe I need to distance myself for the mean time. I'll just focus on my studies while he's away. He couldn't be a distraction to me.
I would love to come in their house to visit him, tita and Darrel but my thoughts were stopping me. What if he's busy? My presence might bother him. I don't want to be a distraction to him.
I heaved a sigh and just rested my back on the bed. I was hugging my pillow while thinking that it was him. Nahihibang na yata ako. Iniisip ko pa lamang siya nangingiti na ako.
"Ate Icy!" rinig ko ang tawag sa akin ni Jie.
Muli siyang kumatok sa aking pintuan.
"I don't want to eat. I'll just cook dinner for us later."
I'm just not in the mood to see people, to talk to others. All I want to do is sleep and hug this soft pillow.
"Demiel, ayaw niya raw kumain. Siguro ay hihintayin niya na sina mama at papa." rinig ko ang sinabi niyang iyon.
Napabalikwas ako nang marinig ko ang pangalan ni Demi. Totoo bang nandito siya? Did he went here to visit me? Did he miss me as much as I missed him?
I cast all my hopes away. He's just pranking me. Gusto niya lamang siguro talaga akong mapalabas sa kwarto ko.
"Ano ba 'yang dala mong pagkain?" tanong niya pa.
May narinig akong mga yapak papalapit sa aking kwarto. Oh, please, tell me that it's Demi.
"Icy..." I heard his voice.
Oh! He's really here! Pinuntahan niya ako! My heart almost jump with so much happiness.
"Let's talk, lumabas ka r'yan."
Finally! He's ready to talk about it now. He's finally ready to talk to me. I waited for this. Dalawang linggo lang kaming hindi nag-uusap pero parang ang bagal ng oras kapag hindi ko siya kausap. Para bang bumibigat ang mga gawain.
Hindi ako nagdalawang isip na lumabas nang marinig ko siyang kumatok.
He grabbed me by my wrist. I saw Jie on the table, he's already eating lunch.
His eyes darted on mine. Naiilang ako ngunit ngumiti na lamang ako.
Malapit na ang anniversary namin! Saan kaya kami pupunta sa araw na iyon? Paniguradong panibagong lugar, coffee bar o restaurant na naman ang pupuntahan namin.
He was just staring at me intently. Ni hindi man lang niya sinuklian ang mga ngiti ko sa kaniya.
I haven't met this before. The fierce side of my man. He's giving me cold and dark stares. His jaw was clenched while lips were pursed.
I don't know how am I going to act. How should I approach him?
I did my best to fight the urge to hug him.
"Busy ako sa araw ng anniversary natin. Hindi kita makakasama and we can't go out for a date."
I felt sad. I felt a sting on my chest. Why? I mean... Yeah, I understand. Finals week nga pala ang araw ng anniversary namin. Pati ako ay magiging busy pa lalo. But... But I can always make time for him. I'll find a way just so I could celebrate that day with him.
Pumunta ba siya rito para lang sabihin iyon? This is not what I expected. Akala ko ay yayakapin niya ako. Akala ko mag-uusap kami nang maayos.
I flinched when he flick my forehead. Napahawak ako roon dahil humapdi at medyo nalakasan niya yata.
I pouted and my tears started to pool my eyes.
"S-Sorry," alalang sabi niya. His eyes softened. "Nalakasan ko yata masyado."
I looked down so my tears will go down. Ayaw ko rin ipakita sa kaniyang umiiyak ako.
He held my elbow and his other hand made his way to my chin, trying to lift my face.
"Anong ginawa mo?!"
Nangatog ako nang marinig ko ang boses ni Jie. The tone of his voice was higher that the normal way he talk.
Hinatak niya ako at hinarap sa kaniya. Nakita niyang pumatak ang mga luha ko sa sahig.
"Bakit ka umiiyak?" tanong niya.
Umiling ako at humiwalay sa kaniya. Pinaalis ko ang mga luha ko at tuluyan siyang hinarap. "Ayos lang ako," saad ko.
Nasa likuran ko si Demi ngunit hindi ko na siya muling nilingon pa.
Why I felt like he's cheating on me or is it just me? Bakit feeling ko napakalaki ng kasalanan ko sa kaniya at hindi niya magawang kausapin ako tungkol doon? Bakit pakiramdam ko ay gusto na niyang tapusin ito kaya ayaw niyang pag-usapan at ayusin namin. Pagod na ba siya sa akin? Is he already tired of my cold personality? Pero... Pero heto talaga ako, eh. Ganito na ako bago ko pa siya nakilala.
Gusto kong magbago para sa kaniya dahil hindi deserve ang cold treatment na pinaparamdam ko sa kaniya. Pero paano? Paano ko sisimulan? Paano ko babaguhin ang tunay na ako? Kakayanin ko ba?
I am Icy, I was known for having cold personality, that's how people describe me. Bakit pakiramdam ko ay hindi na ako si Icy kung pilitin kong baguhin ang sarili ko.
Pumasok na lamang ulit ako sa kwarto.
"Tanga mo! Ayusin mo 'yan. Hindi 'yan basta-basta umiiyak kaya sabihin mo sa akin, anong ginawa mo sa kapatid ko?"
"Umiyak siya... Umiyak siya sa harapan ko." Hindi ko alam kung natutuwa pa ba ang tinig niyang iyon.
"Bobo! Ano? Kailangan mo pa ng confirmation? Oo, umiyak siya sa harapan mo. Hindi niya gawain iyon. Nasaktan mo talaga siya. Tangina mo!" Puro malulutong na mura ang naririnig ko mula kay Jie.
"'Wag mong isiping achievement 'yon. Aayusin mo ito ngayon o isusumbing ko kay papa ang ginawa mo?" narinig ko ang pagbabanta ni Jie.
Tinabunan ko ng unan ang tenga para hindi ko na marinig pa ang usapan nila.
I played my favorite playlist until I drifted to sleep.
The next thing I knew was Demiel slept inside my room. Did I forget to lock the door?
I checked the time on my phone, it's already 6:00 pm. Ano pa ba ang ginagawa niya rito?
Nakayuko ang kaniyang ulo sa aking kama, nakaupo siya sa mini cabinet nakalagay sa tabi ng kama ko. Ang isang kamay ko ay natabunan niya. I tried to move my hand and that's when I felt his warm hands on mine. Ramdam ko ring tila parang malamig ang likuran ng aking kamay. Umiyak ba siya?
I didn't move my hand so I won't wake him up. Nahihirapan ako ngunit tiniis ko na lamang muna dahil malalim ang tulog niya.
Nadako ang mga mata ko sa pagkaing nakahapag sa study table ko. Iyon ba 'yong dala niya kanina? Para sa akin ba iyon?
Nagulat ako nang biglang mawala ang init sa aking kamay. He moved and his eyes darted on me. Gising na pala siya. It's time for him to go home. Busy siya at hindi dapat ako maging abala.
Binawi ko ang kamay ko sa kaniya.
"Go home now, you still have thick books to read," I told him.
"Wala akong pake," he said. I rolled my eyes. Talaga lang, huh?
"Gusto mo bang umulit ng isang taon?" I asked sarcastically.
He fixed my hair using his hand. "I'm sorry," he murmured.
"Are we cool now?" I asked.
He wiped away my tears. His eyes looks puffy too.
He nodded. "Tangina! Please, 'wag ka nang iiyak." He planted a soft kiss on my cheeks.
"Hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko Please, tama na... Hmm?"
"Do you still love me?" I sounded so dramatic but what can I do? I really am.
"Demiel... Why... Why are you ignoring me these past few weeks, huh? If you need space, please tell me directly. Kung gusto mo ng cool off sabihan mo ako, hindi 'yong nagmumukha na akong tanga rito kaiisip kung bakit hindi ka nagpaparamdam."
He tightened his grip on my hand. He don't know what to do, he was uneasy while squeezing and kissing my hand.
"You ghosted me, Demiel. Hindi kita maramdaman nitong mga nakaraang araw."
"I'm sorry, babe. I... I was just busy, I'm sorry."
"I understand. I know you're busy with your acads but please don't let me hang in there waiting for you to talk to me. We're not in good terms when we last saw each other. Tell me, how can I calm down?"
" Babawi ako sa 'yo mula ngayon. I promise to talk to you, twenty-four seven okay?"
I am not a high maintenance girlfriend. Hindi naman niya kailangang palagi akong kausapin. Hindi ako immature para isiping ako dapat ang first priority niya, na dapat sa akin lamang palagi ang atensiyon niya. Assurance lang naman ang kailangan ko. Alam kong hindi siya magloloko sa akin pero that's too much. Not talking to me and totally ignoring me was too much. Plus, we end up in bad terms. Kung alam niya lang... Halos mabaliw na ako kaiisip kung saan ako nagkamali.
How can I make it up to him if he didn't even want to talk about it? Hindi naman ako manghuhula. Naiintindihan kong pagod siya pero hindi ko alam kung anong klaseng pagod ang sinasabi niya.
"Hindi mo ako iiwan, 'di ba? Hindi ka makikipaghiwalay sa akin, 'di ba?"
I nodded. "I'm reassuring you Demiel, with all these tears running down my cheeks, I won't leave you no matter what. No matter how hard it gets, I'll still choose to stay with you."
Kahit masakit... Kahit puro pulang bandera ang nakikita ko sa kaniya. Mananatili ako... Pangakong mananatili ako sa tabi niya.
"Demiel, do you really love me?" I asked.
Ayaw niyang gumagastos ako para sa mga dates namin, because he said he want to be the man of this relationship. If he really wants to, if he really stands with that, then why he'll let me sleep with a heavy heart? If he really wants to be the man in this relationship, bakit palaging ako nanghihingi ng tawad? Bakit parating ako ang mali? Bakit palaging ako ang nagbibigay ng assurance? Hindi ba't kailangan ko rin naman iyon?
"Yes, I do. I love you so much."
"Really? You really do?" I was really serious. You couldn't hear any hint of sarcasm in my tone. He nodded and planted a kiss on the side of my lips.
"Prove it to me then."
"I'm... I'm already planning my future with you. Babe, can I borrow your bluetooth speaker?"
Tumango ako at tinuro sa kaniya ang speaker. Mabilis naman siyang tumayo. He connected his phone on the speaker.
"Listen to this song," he told me.
I lifted myself and leaned on the headboard.
He played 'You're still the one' by Shania Twain.
"When I first saw you, I saw love...
And the first time you touched me, I felt love
And after all this time, You're still the one I love."
He murmured the first part. Nakikinig lamang ako sa kaniya, hinahayaan siya sa kaniyang ginagawa, even I really have no idea what he's up to.
"This may sound cringe to you but... I fell inlove with you the first time I saw you. Fuck love at first sight but damn! I really felt that, and that hits me big time!"
Love at first sight. What does it mean? He first saw me at school. He was a transferee back when we were in grade three. Nakilala niya ako dahil kaibigan ko si Isha na noon ay crush niya.
"I'm sorry if I lied to you and Isha, pero hindi ko talaga naging crush si Isha," he confessed.
"I know, you're too young for that thing-" he cut me off.
"Yes, I'm too young that time but that's not the reason, okay? I never liked her because you got my eyes tied on you."
What? So... Did he mean... He already liked me that time? What about the surprise then? Ano 'yon? Talagang loko-lokohan lang?
"How? I mean..." I stopped. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko.
"Una kong naramdamang dumikit ang balat mo sa akin noong may pinaabot ako sa iyo. Naalala mo pa ba 'yon?" he asked. "'Di ba palagi kitang inuutusan noon na ibigay kay Isha ang mga love letter at kung ano-ano pang mga gawa ko."
Tumango. "Yes, I can clearly remember that."
"I only touched your thumb and I can't get enough. Palagi kitang iniinis, alam kong mahal mo ang buhok mo noon kaya palagi kong sinasabing pangit iyan. Ewan ko, masaya ako kapag naiinis ka sa akin, eh... Kasi sa gano'ng paraan ay napapansin mo ako."
I remained silent.
"That surprise, really became a surprise to Isha." Saglit pa siyang natawa. "Nagugustuhan na raw niya ako, alam mo bang sinasagot na niya noong mga oras na 'yon?"
Umiling ako. "I don't know that."
"But I busted her. Ang astig! Ako ang nanliligaw pero ako ang umayaw," he even flexed his biceps. "Siyempre nasaktan ko ang kaibigan mo, iyon ang dahilan kung bakit siya umalis noon."
"Ikaw naman kasi talaga ang gusto ko. Ginamit ko lang talaga si Isha para mapalapit sa 'yo. Ang sama at ang immature ko pero nagtagumpay ako sa plano ko dahil naging matalik na magkaibigan tayo."
Ngumiti ako. "Pero hindi pa rin tama ang ginawa mong 'yon. You hurt my bestie!" I jokingly pulled his hair.
"Past forward na tayo, huh?" he chuckled. Tumango na lang naman ako. I believe that he already apologized to Isha.
"Looks like we made it...
Look how far we've come, my baby...
We mighta took the long way...
We knew we'd get there someday..."
I won't compare his voice to others. Hindi kasingganda ng iba ang tinig niya ngunit iyon ang paborito ko... ang tinig niya.
"Magiging successful tayo parehas, balang araw."
I nodded as a sign that I agreed with what he said.
"They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together, still going strong..."
"Madami tayong pagdadaanan pero asahan mong hindi kita iiwan. Madaming sisira sa atin pero hinding-hindi ako papasira. We'll stay strong together."
"Ain't nothin' better... We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen... Look at what we would be missin'."
"Hindi natin pakikinggan ang sasabihin ng ibang tao. They can freely judge but the hell we care! Hindi tayo papasira, Icy. You can count on me. Itatak mo sa isip mo na ako ang pinakaunang maniniwala at ang pinakahuling mang-iiwan sa iyo."
"You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss goodnight..."
He continued singing the chorus.
"Anong kasal ang gusto mo? Saan mo gustong ikasal?"
Bakit kasal naman ang naging usapan namin ngayon?
So... This is the way he wants to prove me that he loves me.
"The traditional," I replied. "Sa church."
"Hmm..." He hummed while nodding. "How about beach wedding?"
I would love to!
"I agree with that. That's a good idea."
"I know you love the sea, so can we settle on that?"
"Sure," I nodded eagerly.
My eyes widened in shock when he let out a red velvet box. I bet, there's a ring inside it.
He opened it only to see a shining diamond ring. That's so elegant.
He caressed my ring finger before he asked me the most unexpected question.
"Will you marry me?"
"Demi... Are we really ready for marriage?"
"It's not like we're going to marry each other tomorrow. Love takes time, my human ice. No pressure, okay? This... This is just an assurance that we will stay together and no can break us apart. I mean... Sorry, but I want to tie you with me."
Natawa ako saglit. Takot na takot na baka takasan ko siya. Iyon ang iniisip niya ngayon. Hindi pa ba sapat ang mga salitang binitawan ko? I won't ever leave him. Never, not in this life and to the next one.
His eyes glows with hope. I nodded.
"Yes, I will marry you."
His eyes was glistening with joy. Smiling, he slid the elegant ring on my finger. He kissed my temple.
"I don't want us to miss and lose each other. Kasi, Icy... Hindi ko alam kung mahahanap pa ba natin ang isa't-isa. Ayaw na kitang pakawalan kasi hindi ko alam kung mahahagilap pa ba kita pagkatapos kitang palayain. Hindi kita kayang palayain. Call me selfish, but no, I really can't. Hindi kita palalayain para magmahal ng ibang lalaki."
----
♡
.....
I suddenly remember you while writing this one. Hope you're doing well. I watched the vmu but I haven't seen your certificate still, I hope you made it. Congratulations! Padayon!