"Proso-what?" ~literally everyone
I know I said that since Antonio doesn't have all these terms, they won't know what it is, but in this case I'm putting it in the title because I want to spread awareness of it. I don't have prosopagnosia, but I know people who do. For those of you who don't know what prosopagnosia is, it's a condition where ... well, you'll find out real soon.
This is October of 1889. Ray is 21, Stargazer is 20, Jack is 12, Louis is 11, Mush is 10 1/2, Crutchy is 10. And even though he isn't a part of this chapter, Sean is 6.
Anyway. Enjoy! :)
"It's cold outside," Mush complains.
"It ain't even November yet," Itey responds unsympathetically.
Mush sticks his tongue out at Itey.
"Try on this coat!" Louis tosses him a dark red coat.
"Where'd you get a thing like this?" Mush asks as he catches it and starts to put it on.
Louis shrugs dismissively. "Someone left it behind."
"Oh, yeah. Left it behind."
Now it's Louis's turn to stick out his tongue at Itey.
"Hey, Mush." someone tosses their newsie cap at Mush. "Try that on while you're at it."
"Ooh! A wardrobe change!" Louis laughs.
Mush looks at himself in a mirror. "Yeah, I do look different." he smiles at his reflection. "I can get used to this."
The others roll their eyes good-naturedly.
"Hey Crutchy!" Mush calls out. "Come look at this!"
Crutchy comes over to him. "Where'd ya get all that?"
"You like it?" Mush asks.
"Yeah!"
Mush grins.
"Look who's stylish!" Jack walks into the room. He has Antonio close with him. "Hey, Antonio! Come see this!"
Antonio, a month away from being six years old, has become really good at interacting with all the newsies. Now that they've gotten used to how much he can talk, they find his inquisitiveness endearing. And now they feel better about the way he acts.
...But that doesn't mean that he doesn't do things that still worry them.
Mush holds his arms out, grinning, waiting for some sort of reaction from Antonio.
Antonio is silent for a couple moments. He squints a little. That face ... it looks familiar. But he can't quite place it. He's never seen anyone with that coat before. Not that coat with that hat either.
"Who are you?" he asks.
No one is quite sure what to do with that.
Mush falters. "Come on, Antonio. It's me, Mush."
Antonio tilts his head a little, trying to see it. He tries picturing Normal Mush in his head...but the face is kind of blurry. Why can't I remember what Mush looks like? He just needs to see Normal Mush again. Maybe then he'd be able to tell if it truly is Mush. But Mush never wore that coat. Or that cap.
He shakes his head. "Mush never wore that coat."
This isn't just Antonio saying things, they all know. This is something else.
Jack goes to get Ray. Ray will know what to do. At least, he hopes Ray will. Because none of them have any idea of what to do.
Jack approaches Ray, who is sitting down, not doing anything at the moment. Ray looks up at him. "What's up, Jack?"
"Something's wrong with Antonio," Jack tells Ray.
He gets up. "What happened?"
Jack explains what happened when Mush put on the new clothes and how Antonio didn't recognize him.
Ray frowns. "Where's he now?"
"Back here." Jack takes Ray to where he just was, and where Mush, Louis, Crutchy, Antonio, and a couple others are, all still concerned about Antonio.
Before they quite get there, Ray whispers to Jack, "put this hat on, will ya?" He hands him a hat from a nearby table. Then he takes off his bandana. "Put this on, too." Jack just stands there, holding the bandana. "But it's yours."
"You can give it back when we're done with this," Ray tells him, amused. Reluctantly, Jack puts it on. Then together they walk up to the group.
"Hi Antonio!" Ray gets on Antonio's level.
Antonio brightens immediately. "Ray!"
He recognizes me, Ray thinks with a great internal sigh of relief.
"What's everyone talking about?" he asks.
"They say that's Mush." Antonio turns back around to Mush. "But I can't recognize him." Then to Ray, "but he's wearing a coat. Mush never wore that coat."
"Is that so?"
"Mhm. It doesn't work if he looks like that. He's not Mush."
The emphasis he puts on that last sentence, that last word, to make a point, to connect to the doesn't work, makes Ray feel like he's missing something. Maybe it's the way Antonio's mind works, or maybe he's missing something else important about what the world looks like from Antonio's eyes. But he can't tell.
"Hey." Ray tips his head up-down to Mush. "Go change into what you normally wear and come back, will ya?"
As Mush leaves, Ray pushes Jack forward. "Hey Antonio. This is Jack. Do you see it?"
Antonio tilts his head. Jack. He knows Jack. At first, the face is a little blurry. It clears a little. He can see Jack again. He can't verbally answer, though. He doesn't know exactly what kind of answer they want. Better not say anything out loud. Instead, he nods slowly for them.
To his relief, they seem happy with that answer.
"Hey, Jack, can I have my bandana back?" Ray asks Jack.
"Sure." Jack takes off the bandana and the hat.
And suddenly it's really clear again.
Antonio's eyes widen. "Jack!"
He doesn't know that Ray and Jack were testing him. That the whole point of that exchange was to test if Antonio could recognize them if they looked like what he's used to seeing, instead of just not being able to recognize them ever again.
"Hey, Antonio." Mush comes back into the room.
Antonio's heart is filled with even more relief. That's Mush. That's what he looks like. He's back. He's himself now. "Mush!"
Mush closes his eyes and breathes a good long sigh of relief. For a moment, he was scared. Real scared. What would happen if Antonio never recognized him again? He wouldn't be able to handle that.
And so the day goes on. Antonio thinks nothing of it.
But all the rest are more concerned than ever.
That night after Antonio goes to sleep, with the soft sound of rain overhead, they all talk. They told the others who weren't there what had happened.
"Is this why he's been different all this time?" Morris asks. "Because he don't always recognize faces?"
"But that doesn't explain everything he does," Louis argues.
"But how do we keep him from never not recognizing us?" Mush asks.
"Well we wear nearly the same thing daily, yeah? That makes it easier for him," Jack points out.
"I think that may contribute to why he's been recognizing us up until now," Crutchy adds. "He was fine until Mush completely changed what he wore."
"But we'll grow out of our clothes. What happens then?" Mush asks.
"What do you think, Ray?" Jack asks Ray, who has been thinking this whole time.
"I don't know what I think," Ray admits. "The way he described it...it was like a certain person had a certain look to them. And if they didn't fit the look, then it wasn't them."
"But people don't always keep the same look," Buttons says.
"That's true," Ray agrees. "and I don't know why he can't recognize faces. Maybe there's been some research out there, maybe there are others like him, but until we have any way to find out more, we're clueless."
Everyone takes that in.
"So what do we do?" Crutchy asks.
"We try our best to look like ourselves," Ray decides. "Sure, people will change outfits and such. If it's not too drastic, I think we'll be fine. And if someone finds something completely new and likes it, then we can get Antonio used to it. Just like he got used to Crutchy's nickname."
That came from an accident that Antonio doesn't even remember that he caused. Not that anyone is going to say that out loud.
"Remember when we first started calling him Crutchy and Antonio got confused?" Ray asks them. "But then he got used to it. Said that the name fit him. Maybe we can adjust Antonio to new clothes we get that fit us."
Everything that Ray said is making sense. They absorb all of what he said.
"It's just another part of Antonio's unique development," Ray says. "Even if we don't know exactly what it is, we'll do our best, and then some. For now, I think that's all we can do until we can fully understand."
And so they leave it at that.
Most of them are about to call it night, but then someone knocks on the door.
As some of them start to head downstairs, Smoke opens the door, to find Brooklyn's second in command, Lightning, standing outside in the rain, grim expression on his face.
"Lightning?" Ray asks. "What's going on?"
Jack, Louis, Mush, Crutchy, Henry, Sheeny, and a couple others stand further behind, looking out curiously.
Lightning doesn't look anyone in the eye. "Brooklyn ... is drawing back for a little. We're sayin' this to everyone. For the next week or so, we'd rather not have any newsie come in, or have any interactions with any other boroughs."
"Why isn't Stargazer here to say anything 'bout that?" Ray asks cautiously, his heart rate starting to pick up.
Lightning looks down and shuffles his feet. Then, he drops the bomb. "Sta'gazer ... he's the reason why we'se doin' this. He left a little bit ago. He told us that he'd be gone for seven to ten days. He said if he wasn't back by the eleventh, he was either missing, or dead." He looks up. It's palpable he doesn't want to be the bearer of bad news, and that he doesn't like the news itself either. "...That was a little over two weeks ago."
Silence.
Jack, Louis, Mush, and Crutchy look up at Ray silently. No one dares to say anything.
"No," Ray whispers hoarsely.
I'm probably going to be dead before Antonio can remember me.
This is getting dangerous, Ray.
Please, Ray. I need to find the others. And hopefully not disappear with them.
I know I've stressed you, but you've always been there for me.
I love you.
He can deny it all he wants. But he knows, and knows that everyone around them is fully aware that Stargazer isn't just missing.
"I'm sorry," Lightning says empathetically. "We all miss him a lot already. I thought it would be best to tell you rather than hear it said carelessly by someone else."
Ray nods mutely, grateful for that sentiment. But both would rather have Stargazer alive.
...That house in Brooklyn we'll move into when we're 21.
Maybe they were never meant to move in at 21.
But now it will never happen at all.
Quietly, everyone retreats upstairs. They know that Ray needs a moment to himself.
For a few moments, it's just Ray and Lightning. Then, with a nod, Lightning turns around and heads back to his borough, going back as Stargazer's second in command no more.
Ray watches him go, as he disappears into the rain and the night. He stands there with the door open.
He can't think right now. He's numb. He can't believe he'll never see Stargazer's face again.
Quietly, he goes up on the rooftop.
With the rain, he can't see many stars. But there is a clear patch of sky.
And in that brilliant part of the night sky, is Aquila the Eagle and Aquarius the Water-bearer.
With the rain, it's hard to tell which water droplets on Ray's face came from the sky or from his eyes. It's not a heavy rain. But it still encompasses all the emotions that Ray has.
"You were supposed to stay alive, Theo," Ray tells the open air. "You were too young. We were supposed to have a future together."
Then, he remembers Stargazer's passion. How all he wanted was to solve this conspiracy so secret that he couldn't even tell Ray all the details. How much intensity was in his eyes when he talked about his determination to find all of those who They made disappear.
Now Ray will never know what exactly They did to the love of his life.
He didn't even make it to 21. Stargazer didn't even make it to be 21. He had so much potential to do so much. Now, he'll never be able to do any of the things he wanted to do.
He sighs. "Was it worth it, Theo?" he whispers. "Did you accomplish what you set out to accomplish?"
All he gets back is the quiet sound of the rain falling.
With nothing but his sorrows and heart ache and love for Theodore "Stargazer" Conlon, Ray falls asleep right there on the roof.
I'm not crying. It's raining...inside my room...yeah, that's it...
While writing the ending I was listening to In This Life by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole and oh my gosh it just...my heart.
I'm sorry. I let you in to the life of Ray and Stargazer...and tore it all down. Now, Ray is: slightly past old enough to leave the lodging house, looking after Antonio, and left with the knowledge that he can't have a future with his significant other now.
Now Heroes by David Bowie is playing so now I have all the feels even more.
Now let me explain Antonio's prosopagnosia.
The first case of prosopagnosia with the term was identified in 1947.
There are a few different kinds of causes of prosopagnosia, but they all lead to the same thing: the inability to recognize faces. Some have it really severe, others have it really mild. Severe cases are those who can never recognize their own family members, or themself. There's a whole spectrum. On the more milder side is people who can recognize those close to them, but have a harder time with newer people, and take longer to recognize a person when they look drastically different. Prosopagnosia is also called "facial blindness." One of the causes for it is a major head injury or trauma. Or, there are those who just happen to be born with it. I'm giving Antonio what is called developmental prosopagnosia, where a person is born without the ability to recognize faces, without any evidence that there was a head injury. Some people may have it but never learn that they do. To my knowledge, I don't have prosopagnosia. I do know people that have it. I'm doing all the research I can on it. And maybe, help all of us understand it, in a way that the people of Antonio's time had no way to understand it.
If anyone has anymore understanding of it than I do, or has prosopagnosia, or knows someone who does, and is really an expert on it, tell me, tell us. I want to learn, and want others to learn. If I wrote something really really wrong about it and you know for a fact that it's wrong, please, tell me.
This chapter was a lot to take in, on so many levels. But, if you're still going to continue on to the next page when I post it, all I have to say is, thank you.
Please, no homophobia, profanities, hate etc in the comment section at any time.
Best,
~Your Beloved Author (who was under a nice warm blanket while listening to Things That Make It Warm by Cavetown while writing the beginning of this chapter)