Death Wish
"Konstantia Analeen Fernandez!"
"We know you're there!"
Kanina ko pa naririnig ang mga boses sa labas ng bahay.
Bakit ba sila nandito? Gusto ko lang namang mapag-isa. Ito na nga lang ang tanging lugar kung saan ako pwedeng magtago at mapalayo sa mga tao.
"Come on, Koko! Open the door!"
The knocks suddenly turned into a full-on bass drumming rhythm, making it impossible for me to even breathe.
Gumulong ako sa kama ko at hinila ang sarili ko para tumayo at tumungo sa labas. Pagbukas ko ng pintuan ng bahay namin, nakita ko ang dalawang lalaking nakatingin sa akin na parang gusto akong kainin ng buhay.
"Jesus! When was the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror?" André looked at me from head to foot, his lips curving down in disgust.
"Ano ba kasi ang ginagawa niyo dito? Umalis na muna kayo please," I answered in monotone.
"K, ilang araw ka na raw hindi pumapasok," Logan suddenly spoke in a serious tone.
Natahimik ako bigla. Ilang araw na ba ang nakalipas? Pakiramdam ko kasi isang araw pa lang. Sa sobrang sikip ng kwarto ko kasabay ng pagsikip ng dibdib ko, pakiramdam ko nandoon pa rin ako sa araw kung saan huli kong nakita si papa.
Ang nanay ko naman hindi ko rin makasama ng matagal kasi nasa rehab center siya. Kailangan pa ng maraming tests at proseso para lang makalabas siya doon.
Kung alam lang sana nila kung gaano kahirap ang magluksa ng mag-isa...
"You don't have to do this, Koko. Your dad won't want to see you like this," André advised, catching my arm.
I shoved his hand away. "I'm not doing anything."
André scoffed. "Exactly. You're not doing anything at nagkukulong ka lang sa kwarto mo."
"Please, wala akong energy para makipag-argue sa inyo ngayon... hayaan niyo na ako," I begged.
"Okay, maybe we should tell Kell to come home. I'm sure he's the only one who can fix you." André brought out his phone and started clicking on it, but before he could even call his friend, I grabbed his phone away.
"Huwag! Ayaw kong mag-alala pa siya," I retaliated.
André let out a sigh. "What you're doing right now is concerning, K."
Logan nodded beside him without uttering a single thing.
I took a breath, looking away. "Okay lang ako."
André caught my hand. "Good. 'Cause you're coming with us."
Nagpumiglas ako sa hawak niya. "Teka, saan niyo ako dadalhin?"
Logan chuckled. "Relax, K. Hindi ka namin ki-kidnapin."
"We're shooting for the film project," André explained.
I sighed. Nakalimutan ko na rin yung tungkol sa project na iyon sa dami ng nangyari sa akin lately. Hindi ko na nga rin alam kung may binago ba si Jalen sa script na sinulat ko noon.
"Let's go!" Utos ni André.
"Magbibihis lang ako," sabi ko sabay tingin sa suot kong pajama set na panda bear ang design.
"Huwag na. That's good enough," pilit ni André.
"Baka sarahan mo pa kami ng pinto pag pumasok ka ulit," sabi naman ni Logan.
Bumuga ako ng hinga. "Hintayin niyo na ako sa loob. Ano? Okay na po ba?"
The two guys nodded as they stepped inside the house.
"We'll give you five minutes," André yelled bago ako tuluyang pumasok sa kwarto ko.
Bahala silang maghintay diyan.
#
"Did I do all right?" Liatris asked the guy beside her as she looked at him with earnest eyes.
"Of course..." André paused, his lower lip sticking out as he unfolded his arms over his chest. "You did not."
Liatris scrunched her face, pushing the guy with all her might. Natumba si André at nahulog sa madamong papag.
Tawang-tawa naman si Liatris sa lalaki habang nakahiga pa rin si André sa damuhan.
Walang ibang tao ngayon dito sa malawak na golf course na parte ng rehab centre. Hindi ko alam na dito ang shooting location. Nung kinaladkad ako nina André at Logan, hindi naman nila binanggit na dito kami pupunta. Utos raw ni Jalen. Mukhang binago niya yung scenes na sinulat ko.
Ilang linggo na rin ang nakalipas simula nung unang beses akong pumunta dito. Hindi naging maganda ang huling alaala ko sa lugar na ito. Coming back here only made me remember that painful day I argued with my father... and I deeply regret it.
"Ate K!" Sigaw ni Liatris habang tumatakbo palapit sa kinauupuan ko. She propped herself down on the blanket next to me. "Okay ka lang?"
I nodded at her. "Mahilig ka rin pala sa film and photography?" Binaling ko ang topic sa kanya dahil ayaw kong mag-breakdown dito.
Liatris nodded as I noticed her smile slowly turning into a frown. "Yup, but mom and dad want me to do something else."
May reputasyon ang pamilya nila bilang nasa pulitika ang kanyang ama. Alam kong doon rin ang pupuntahan ni Markell in the future. Si Jalen naman ay tanggap nila ang pagiging doktor niya. Kay Liatris, akala ko magiging lenient sila sa kanya kasi unica hija at spoiled siya. Pero hindi rin pala siya makakalusot.
Setting down my pen and notebook on my lap, I turned to her. "Sinubukan mo na bang kausapin ang parents mo sa gusto mong gawin?"
She shook her head, puffing her cheeks in frustration. "Hindi rin naman nila ako papayagan."
"Bakit hindi mo subukan sabihin sa mama mo muna?" I suggested, only because their mom seemed more understanding than the senator.
She exhaled a sigh, setting her eyes on the small pond in front of us. "I don't know, ate K. It's just really hard."
I reached for her hand, tapping it lightly. There was nothing I could say that would reassure her, but it was the only thing I could do. "Malay mo naman, kapag nakita nila na happy ka sa ginagawa mo eh susuportahan ka nila eventually."
Liatris nodded in understanding. "Thank you, ate."
I flashed her a smile. "Walang anuman."
"Hey Tris! Come here!" André's voice interrupted our moment, waving his hands in the air from a distance.
Liatris hissed beside me, aiming daggers at the guy. "Ano na naman kaya yun?"
"Bilis!" André yelled, flailing his arms in the air and jumping up and down like a toddler.
"Ang kulit!" Liatris commented, standing up from her seat. "Wait lang, ate."
I just nodded at her as I watched her run back towards André. Kinuha ko ulit ang bolpen at notebook ko para magsulat.
"I think it's going to rain soon," Jalen's voice caught my attention from behind. Nakalimutan kong nakatayo pala siya sa likod ko habang hawak ang video camera.
Tumango lang ako sa kanya.
"We can film the last scene tomorrow," dagdag ni Jalen habang nakatingin sa akin. "I'll just go tell those two." Naglakad na rin siya patungo kina Liatris at André
Saktong pagtayo ko, naramdaman ko ang patak ng tubig sa ulo ko. Tumingala ako at nakita ang pagtulo ng luha galing sa makakapal na ulap na bumabalot sa kalangitan. Tuluyan na ring lumakas ang buhos nito at sinamahan pa ng kulog at kidlat.
"K!" Rinig ko ang boses ng mga kasama kong tinatawag ako sa di kalayuan. But, I stayed in my position, looking up and taunting the sky to strike me. Spreading my arms on both sides, I closed my eyes and waited for my judgement. It was the perfect moment.
"What are you doing?" Jalen suddenly caught my arm, breaking my thoughts off. The strands of wet hair covered most of his forehead, but I could still see his thick brows judging me.
"Dito muna ako," I answered, looking up again and letting the bullets of rain shoot me straight in the face.
Jalen dropped his grip from my arm. "Do you have a death wish?"
Turning to him, my eyes fell on my notebook he just picked up from the ground as he hid it inside his jacket. He looked at me again as he grabbed my hand.
Tinulak ko siya ng malakas. "Sabi ko dito lang ako!"
With tightened jaw, Jalen continued to hold on to my arm as his eyes struggled to fight the raindrops. "You'll get sick."
I could hear his voice, but with the sound of thunder mixing in and my emotions crying in full blast, I couldn't think rationally. "Gusto ko lang naman maramdaman yung sakit na naramdaman ni papa," I yelped.
Jalen moved closer to me, lowering his neck to meet the side of my face. "Konstant, it's okay."
Denying reality, I brought my hands over his chest and pushed him again. "It's not okay, Jalen! Wala na si papa! Hindi ko na siya makikita!"
He nodded standing firm on the ground and closing the gap between us. "I'll stay here with you then."
His voice grew closer to my ear until my face landed on his chest. Gusto ko siyang itulak palayo, pero hinigpitan niya ang yakap niya sa akin hanggang sa wala na akong nagawa kung hindi ang umiyak.
"I'm just here, Konstant," the guy whispered as my body slowly adjusted to his warmth. "I'm just here," he repeated as I let my ugly whimpers get swallowed by the thunder.
#
May bagyo raw. Signal number four. Sa sobrang lakas ng hangin at ulan, hindi raw advisable na mag-biyahe pabalik sa Manila. Buti nalang at kasama namin ang mga anak ng may-ari ng rehab centre kaya pinayagan kaming matulog sa guest rooms nila.
Binisita ko rin kanina si mama sa kwarto niya bago siya matulog. Every weekend lang pala siya umuuwi sa penthouse na bigay ng isang sponsor galing sa rehab center. Lahat raw ng mga pasyente na classified as "stable" ay nabibigyan ng pagkakataon na makauwi sa mga pamilya nila.
Napansin ni mama ang pamamaga ng mga mata ko kanina kaya naisipan niyang. itirintas ang buhok ko bago ako tuluyang umalis sa kwarto niya. Naaalala pa rin pala niya na gusto ko ang braids na ginagawa niya sa akin dati.
Matapos nito ay nagtungo ako sa may lobby ng rehab center habang nakatingin sa labas. Dahil nga sa glass ang pader dito, kitang-kita sa labas ang pilit na pagtangay ng hangin sa mga puno na nakapalibot dito sa building. Hindi rin naman ako makatulog dahil sa lakas ng kulog at ulan.
"Hot chocolate?"
Nilingon ko ang may-ari ng boses at nakita si Jalen na may dalang dalawang tasa sa magkabilang kamay niya. Naka-itim na tshirt siya at khaki na cargo shorts. Himala at hindi siya naka-long sleeves ngayon.
"How are you feeling?" Tanong ulit nito sabay abot sa akin ng tasa.
"Okay lang," mahina kong sagot at kinuha na rin ang tasa mula sa kanya. "Salamat. Paano mo nalamang nandito ako?"
"I was in the hallway when I saw you enter the elevators," he answered, taking a seat on the couch across mine.
"Kaya sinundan mo ako?" I asked out of curiosity.
He nodded, staring at me. "You look cute with the braids."
"Gawa ni mama," sabi ko sabay haplos sa natirintas kong buhok.
Jalen smiled. "I'm glad you two are getting along now."
I looked down the floor. "Si mama nalang ang mayroon ako ngayon."
"That's not true. You have your friends..." he paused. "You have me."
Napatingin ako sa kanya. Seryoso ang mukha niya. Hindi ko man siya nakasama ng matagal katulad nina Kell, pakiramdam ko ay matagal ko na rin siyang kilala. "Salamat."
"I know how it feels like to have no one," bigla niyang sabi and this time, nilayo rin niya ang tingin niya sa akin.
Gusto kong malaman kung saan nanggagaling ang mga salita niya. But at the same time, ayaw ko ring ungkatin pa ang nakaraan niya dahil hindi ko alam kung gaano ito kasakit para sa kanya.
"I told you before I'm illegitimate, right?" Jalen started to speak again, staring at me as if gauging my reaction.
Mukhang sasabihin na niya sa akin ang nangyari sa kanilang pamilya. Pero handa na ba akong malaman ito?
"I was born out of wedlock. Dad's family didn't accept mom because she was poor. And when she had me, she was forced to leave the country. But dad eventually found us and kept on supporting us in secret."
Tahimik lang ako habang pinoproseso ang mga sinasabi niya. Kaya pala mukhang hindi naman galit si Jalen sa tatay niya kasi sinuportahan naman niya sila ng nanay niya.
"When mom died few years ago, my life went downhill. I abused alcohol and drugs. I smoked a lot. Dad forced me to go into rehab and dragged me back here..." Jalen paused, turning to me slowly.
I swallowed hard. Hindi ko alam na ang dami pala niyang pinagdaanan. Akala ko masakit na yung pinagdadaanan ko ngayon pero mas grabe pa pala sa kanya. "Sorry..."
He held his gaze at me with a small smile on his face. Shaking his head, he replied, "You will get through this, Konstant... and I'll be with you all the way."
🍭
A/N: Jalen and Konstant moment... because why not? hehe
#deathwish