The window opening to the back alley of Gulshan was opened with both its flaps fully letting the fresh air in. The study table right in front of it was in a usual disarray with both hand written and printed notes as well as books scattered around. It seemed like the person to whom these belonged was studying with the concentration that was a part of his life but the truth was far from it.
He wasn't studying.
He couldn't study.
Izaan closed the last remnant of this unsuccessful studying time and leaned into his chair. His hands were clasped behind his head and face was drawn into an expression of concentration. It had been a week since that unfortunate ER event and what followed. He had gotten a hold on himself pretty quickly, something he was pretty thankful for. This was going to be his life in just a few months when he'd professionally venture into the world starting and ending on hospitals, medicine and surgeries. It was the first time so he was bound to get panicked and he did. It was like a glimpse of what was to come in the coming years of his life, not entirely, but it'd be an inevitable part of this and Izaan needed to be mentally prepared.
It also happened to be exactly one week since he had seen Safwa in his room and then what followed next.
A week since that hug.
A week since he let his guard down.
A week since there was complete silence from Safwa's side.
He hadn't given much thought to the first two parts. His logical mind was reminding him again and again that he should've been panicking and regretting this already but he couldn't bring himself to regret or downplay something which was so precious to him. He saw Safwa, didn't think anything after that and just went for it. The warmth that she was, the comfort that she had always been, he needed that like his next breath and he acted on his impulse without thinking anything through.
He was oddly calm after that. No feeling of regret had come to him. Something he was amazed at as well. But after a day the worry had started filling him. Safwa was uncharacteristically distant. She hadn't cut him off entirely, that'd be far fetched but things weren't the same as well. It started with him noticing the lack of texts from her and when he brushed the thought off and texted her himself, she was still not responding. That was odd, it wasn't like Safwa to do this. His next obvious step was calling her. She wouldn't cut his calls now would she? And he was right. She didn't. After four rings she had picked it up. Not that he was counting or anything. She had greeted him in her same polite and sweet tone, asking about how he was doing, apologizing for not replying to his texts and then ranting about how university was keeping her busy. It was nothing out of ordinary but Izaan was an observative person, or maybe he had learnt even the unimportant nuances of Safwa Kirmani that he had figured out something wasn't adding up, something wasn't right. When the call ended, he was both confused and dejected. But maybe he was reading too much into the lines, maybe she really was busy and he hadn't messed up.
The coming three days proved that his gut feeling was as usual right. Safwa Kirmani was actually keeping a distance and he wasn't going to lie, it hurt. Usually he was the one to shut people out as a defensive mechanism but now the tables have turned. It was him who was being ignored by someone who had a special place in his heart. A place he was yet to figure out the true meaning and designation of. He was always the rational one so instead of making it an issue of his ego, he had instead resorted to giving her space. She needed it if the way she was so distant was any indication. But his mind won't stop thinking about what brought them here in the first place.
If he reflected back on the happenings of a week back, there was nothing on his part he could blame this on. He hadn't done anything to offend her, not by intention anyway. Was it his sudden need of finding solace in her? Did she find it too much? Did he cross a line? That was where his thoughts were stopping every now and then. And the more he thought on these lines the more it became uneasy for him. He should've behaved. She was surely uncomfortable. This could be the only explanation why she was avoiding him.
Izaan sighed and picked up his phone from the side of the table. He opened the texts and to his disappointment, even though he knew it already, his last message was still unseen.
"Are you okay?"
That's what he had asked almost two hours back and got nothing in return. He pursed his lips and started typing out another message. It was the same as above, just with a slight variation.
"Are we okay?"
But his thumb hovered over the send button. It was the direct approach. Telling her that he knew and felt that things had changed between them, momentarily or for a longer time he had no idea.
Was this direct approach a wise decision right now? He was usually the kind of person who'd ask people what made them upset with him. And after knowing their reasons only then he'd decide if his apology was even needed or not. But Safwa Kirmani wasn't just any other person. So, for her his rules were all forgotten, his habits bent into unusual. So he edited the message and wrote a new one right away.
"I'm sorry."
He pressed the send button without any thought. He was telling her even though he wasn't completely sure what was happening but he hoped if it was something on his part, as it had always been in the past, she'd forgive him. Again. Like she always did.
Looking at his recently sent text, Izaan scrolled up and the conversations before this exhausting week were in front of him. A fond smile was on his face. And then a determination. He wouldn't let things go from this to the mess they were at this point. He would try his best.
___________
"I'm sorry."
A pang of guilt hit Safwa right in the heart. The impact was so much that she felt she was in the middle of an abyss even though she was sitting in the middle of the crowded cafeteria. She locked her phone, placed it away from her and dropped her head in her palms.
The last week had been nothing short of a torture for her. Her conflicting thoughts, a realization that was a long time coming and the sea of dread she was submerged in after that, and Izaan's continuous attempts at knowing if things were okay. She didn't know how she had survived without having a breakdown.
She was in love with him. The realization took its fair share of time making a territory on her mind and soul, but now it was the truth which was inscribed on Safwa's heart. She was both mad and surprised at herself how she realized it so late even though the signs were always right in front of her. Even Hesham hinted at it. Now everything was making sense but she was too scared to sit down and analyze it all.
She was in love with Izaan Shoaib.
He was her definition of forever.
And that scared her like nothing ever did. From the first realization she had while her head was in Nusrat Aapa's lap. Nusrat Aapa was worried but she didn't prod her much. The woman had raised Safwa since she was just a baby so thinking that she didn't know who Safwa was in love with would be lunacy.
The initial fear then turned into a solemn heartache pretty soon. If she didn't know Izaan better, she would be thriving in this newly found euphoria of being in love. But she knew him. Knew him well. And she also knew even if he had feelings for her, he'd never easily admit those, keeping them to himself. Then came another confusion, did he even have feelings for her or was she again thinking too much?
Safwa Kirmani might be a ball of sunshine and a reliable friend but she, at the end of day, was a mere human with very human emotions. All these thoughts regarding her feelings towards Izaan made her shut down every person, especially Izaan. The reasons were too many, first she didn't want to let him know she was having a constant debate with what was, what is and what could be, second, she didn't want to make a fool out of herself and third, she didn't want her impending break down to be right in front of him when she wouldn't be able to tell him what exactly was wrong.
So kept her distance. Both for her dignity and her heart. She was in the very initial phase of this maze we call love and she had no plans of getting her heart broken very early on. Izaan wouldn't do it, not with his words. But his hesitation would tell her so much and break so much between them.
She was, in simple words, totally messed up. No coherent thought, nothing she was sure about apart from the fact that she loved Izaan so much and there was so much that could make her lose.
"I hate everything!"
Elaf's loud huff and then almost dropping on the seat next to her made Safwa come out of her musings. She looked at her friend's face where an altogether different story was mocking her. They both were going through a crisis eh?
"What happened?"
"I just discussed the lecture with Sarim."
Safwa scrunched her nose in confusion.
"So, that was your agenda right? Talking to him about the lecture and then about what happened that day?"
"This exactly. But too bad we only talked about the lecture. I couldn't bring up the argument AGAIN!"
Safwa nodded, patting Elaf's arm in a comforting manner. Her and Sarim's argument was the new and unwanted development in this plethora of wrongs in their life at the moment. Elaf had realized how out of line her outrage was that day so her first damage control was obviously talking and apologizing to Sarim. But that was proving to be the most difficult part.
Sarim was acting like nothing had happened. If Elaf expected him to give her a cold shoulder, that never happened. He was normal around her. And that wasn't sitting well with Elaf. She wanted him to be angry so her attempts of bringing up the fight and saying sorry won't go to futile but luck wasn't on her side.
"Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it?"
Elaf spoke after looking deep in thoughts for some time.
"Or maybe he doesn't want you to feel bad and apologize to him?"
Elaf shook her head.
"Not happening. I messed up and I owe him an apology. He was just looking out for me but in my hotheadedness I crossed a line."
"Don't be harsh on yourself. You were going through a rough patch. As much as you deny, Elaf, we all know what performing at the Dramatics club meant to you. It was snatched from you on the basis of something which wasn't wrong at all. I can bet Sarim understands that as well and that's why he's letting whatever that happened slide. But, if you still want to, you know, talk about it or apologize to him, stop looking for the signs or the conversation to come to that point on its own. That won't happen. Talk directly to him. You know how easygoing he is, don't you? Like Hesham is pretty cool but in some situations I'm kinda unsure how he'd react to things but with Sarim, I can always trust him to be level headed and open to any conversation. That's his charm and only his. So don't think too much about it. Just go and talk to him, hm?"
Elaf nodded, almost convinced.
"I'm gonna do it."
Then she looked at Safwa and narrowed her eyes.
"Now your turn."
"Turn about what?"
"Of telling me why you were literally a visual representation of a soggy fry the whole week."
"That's a weird thing to call anyone. And no I wasn't being a soggy fry."
"Lies. What is it?"
Safwa looked away shaking her head which was enough for Elaf's suspicion to be corrected.
"Everything good at home?"
"More than fine. I'm telling you there is noth..."
"Is it about Izaan? You two also had a fight or something?"
Safwa opened her mouth to deny it but then she went silent. Elaf kept on looking at her.
"Why would you think there's something wrong with us?"
"Because you haven't mentioned him all week and since you tend to do that a lot, that was beginning to look fishy."
Of course. Safwa wanted to cry out loud. Just her luck.
"Everything's fine between us, Elaf. I'm just having some weird thoughts and this is why I kind of look like a soggy fry."
"Hey, a soggy fry is still a fry so don't be mean to my best friend. And..."
But she stopped abruptly. Her eyes widened and then she bent towards Safwa.
"Did you....did you finally realize?"
Safwa was taken aback. She swallowed and asked slowly.
"Realized what?"
"That you and Izaan will make absolutely gorgeous babies together?"
"Elaf!"
"Too early? I thought so. But the point stays that you and Izaan have kind of something going on. Something that might or might not start with an L and end on an E."
Safwa smiled at Elaf's elation. But it didn't reach her eyes. And that immediately damped Elaf's spirits.
"What's wrong, Safi?"
"I'm not really sure if whatever that is going on is even reciprocated or not. I'm not even sure if he even has any idea and that thought alone is scaring the hell out of me and when you add the newly found realization of my own feelings, I feel like everything will turn to dust. I'm just scared, Elaf. "
She almost looked like a baby. If they weren't sitting among so many people, Elaf would've definitely given her a sisterly hug to sooth her worries to some extent but she resorted to caressing her arm reassuringly.
"You are thinking too much. And that too in a negative direction. That's not something I expect from my best friend."
"I know. I really shouldn't be this pessimistic but ...."
"But?"
She sighed.
"I'm afraid of my heart breaking, Elaf that too by the person who I can never think of doing this."
Elaf had always heard how complicated the matters of the heart can be and she was seeing something akin to that right in front of her eyes. Safwa's worry and fear were both irrational and legit. Irrational because she was riding on her own assumptions and legit because those assumptions could be right as well. Elaf had no clue what to tell her and Safwa understood her plight right away.
"I'll figure it out though. I can't always ignore him. I might not be able to tell him right away how I feel but he doesn't deserve to be on the receiving end of my silent treatment without any reason. I think blurting it out to you has made it more real. And it doesn't feel like an inner battle anymore. Not that much anyway."
"I'm glad to hear that. You know I'm always there if you want to talk right? I wish I could do more but I really do suck at these talks. But you can always vent to me."
"I know. And I really appreciate it."
Elaf wished she could do more but it wasn't her place to do anything other than being there for Safwa. She didn't even tell Safwa that apart from her and Izaan, the whole gang knew what was going on. That would make her even more conscious of whether Izaan also picked on it or not and that would make things a lot more difficult. She just hoped for things to get better for both her and Safwa.
Because they both were now having boy problems about the boys who weren't even their boys.
______
Zonish roamed her eyes at the interior of the drawing room and then focused back on the man sitting right in front of her. Constable Ejaz Ul Haq was sipping the tea with a serious expression on his face. To Zonish's side, Hesham was eyeing the man as well. He hadn't yet touched his tea and was waiting for Ejaz to say something.
Well that makes the two of them.
"I still can't understand why someone would want to study this case?"
Hesham raised an eyebrow. His usual dorkiness was nowhere to be found. In fact he was exuding a typical interrogative energy that is associated with lawyers.
"Why not?"
"Because it's a very old case. The proceedings happened in..."
"1998. We know that."
Zonish completed his sentence.
"Almost 16 years. That's a very long period of time. Also, it's quite a clear case with not much on the plate. Musa was working for a terrorist organization and because of him innocent people got killed. He didn't think of those. He didn't think of even his ailing mother. Such a waste."
"We know that too. Our main reason for coming to you was knowing how Musa was as a person because of our studying of this case and what happened after it tells us you were on his cell duty the whole duration of his trial till he was hanged."
The retired officer wasn't surely expecting a question like this. He had to squint his eyes to remember something that wasn't under his usual job description.
"He was a quiet guy. The first two days after being arrested he made so much noise but then he got relaxed. Maybe it was the fact that a famous lawyer had taken up his case. Till the day of his verdict, he remained like that only. No fuss. Nothing. Just a smile but empty eyes."
Hesham nodded and Zonish, who was noting down the details, read what she had written once again just to make sure she had gotten everything right.
This meeting had been arranged by Hesham using his (His father's) contacts. The case was indeed straightforward. Musa was a normal taxi driver from Nazimabad. On July 15th, 1998, there was a shootout at Kharadar. At first, it was reported that it was a collision between the members of two rival parties but soon it turned out to be an attack on civilian population by a terrorist on the loose, Musa Behroze. Long story short, Musa was arrested, a case was filed against him, a famous lawyer took up his case and then lost it as well, Musa got the death penalty. End of story. Full stop.
His lawyer was Ansar Minhaj. And it was the first case of Ansar's glorious career where he lost.
It wasn't the last but a look at Minhaj's career history and it was evident there was something in this case which stood it out. It was the easiest loss and Ansar Minhaj wasn't and isn't a lawyer to lose a battle so easily.
This was the reason why Zonish wanted to study it and maybe the same reason why Hesham was interested in this case too. There was something under the pile of straight facts which was obscure, call it the intuition of a good lawyer in making or the eye of a sharp journalist to be, they had picked on it and were now working on it together to understand what actually had happened.
So far, this constable was their first link towards unveiling the unsaid and hidden, but there was little to no luck with him. He had repeated the same words they had expected him to tell them. But he wasn't the only person they could go to so they weren't fazed.
"That was a waste."
Zonish muttered as they came towards Hesham's car. Their first argument of the day started from there itself when Zonish wanted to bring her own vehicle and Hesham being Hesham said something about getting there in one piece. That had started an exchange of some witty and some very childish arguments and Hejab had to interfere to remind them they had to get somewhere. The final verdict was in Hesham's favour who could squeal like a child if Hejab wasn't already giving him a judging look. Rimsha, Zonish's friend who was also a part of this project, hadn't tried to tag along. She was already trying to bail out on Zonish because she didn't like how Zonish had chosen such a weird case which didn't give Rimsha any good vibes so Zonish was expecting her to come soon with the news that she had left Zonish's group and would now be working with someone else. Rimsha wasn't in favour of the risky side of the profession of journalism and Zonish understood it. That was one of the reasons why she had accepted Hesham's help and now here they were.
"Not quite."
"He didn't tell us anything we didn't know."
"He actually did tell us something we didn't know, Zoni."
Zonish was looking visibly pissed.
"He didn't exactly....wait a second."
She stopped and then realization dawned on her.
"Musa's mother. He mentioned his mother."
"Exactly. Is there any article of news coverage where it was said that Musa had a mother too?"
"No."
"Then this is our next clue. Let's get some research done on Musa's family background."
Zonish nodded and then narrowed her eyes.
"And Hesham!"
He looked up from the door of his side of the car he was just opening.
"Don't you ever call me Zoni. It's Zonish."
"Got that, Zoni."
"I'm not going to repeat myself!"
"You don't have to, Zoni. I understood already.."
"Argh! Why you are such a pain!"
"I have no idea, Zoni. I'm told I'm literally the humanification of an angel."
"Satan really lives among us."
She pointed between them.
"Now now, I prefer Zoni over Satan anyway."
She huffed. This could go on all day and she really didn't have time for it. Opening the car door she sat inside and bobbing his head in a jaunty way Hesham also followed suit.
______
Sarim took slow steps towards his usual parking slot. His one hand was enclosed around his folder while the other was jiggling the keys in it. He was in a normal mood, it was a normal day and now he was about to get home to a normal routine.
But that was his mere idea.
Leaning against his car, Elaf was looking at him with a determined look on her face. He raised an eyebrow but didn't stop his pace.
If Elaf was expecting silent treatment from him over that argument, she was mistaken. He wasn't a hot tempered guy. And he believed in talking and resolving rather than avoiding and messing up more. Here he had tried letting whatever happened slide, because he knew Elaf wasn't in a good emotional state that day. But it seemed like it was only him who wanted to forget and move on. Elaf had tried broaching the topic several times in the week followed by that and now that it didn't work, she was here with a direct approach. Sarim smiled. She really was one determined woman.
"We need to talk."
"I've gathered that much by your serious face."
He looked around. The parking lot was buzzing with the end of the day hustle.
"You wanna talk here?"
Elaf shook her head.
"Not really."
"I figured. Let's go then."
He gestured towards the front seat and Elaf sat inside with a nod. Sarim stopped at the walkway outside the campus where there wasn't any crowd.
"How are you getting home?"
"I'm actually going to Safwa's with her. Baba will pick me up from there on his way home from the office in the evening."
Sarim looked at the side where surely, Safwa's driver was already waiting in the car.
There was a small pause after that exchange. Elaf left a breath and turned to him.
"I'm really very sorry for that day, Sarim. I crossed a line."
"You did but you weren't wrong though."
"Still, I had no right to talk to you like that, especially about something so personal."
"Then I also did the same, so I should also be apologizing, right?"
Elaf shook her head with a smile. He shrugged his shoulders.
"Elaf, those who know me, those who are close to me know that I have a strained relation with my father. I never try to hide it because what is that going to give me? They will figure it out on their own sooner or later. It's a part of my life and I'm used to it. I don't sugarcoat stuff. This is the reason why what you said didn't feel that bad to me. Yeah, losing your temper wasn't so nice to see and that's why I walked away because I didn't want our friendship to get affected by momentary bursts of anger and frustration."
"I know and that's the reason I'm sorry."
"I get it. But it's cool now. We got to know where our boundaries lie and how we shouldn't cross those. I never intend to make your Dad look in a bad light. I just wanted to tell you that it doesn't sit well with me that you are leaving your passion behind no matter the reason."
She didn't say anything to this. Even though he was waiting.
"That's not something I'm thinking about right now. I just want to focus on my life and my friends. So, let's drop it. "
He opened his mouth to protest but then thought against it. Wasn't this protesting the thing which instigated that argument the other day.
"So, we are good right?"
She asked, giving him a bright smile. He snorted.
"That was nothing, Elaf. I just made myself clear. We are better than just good."
"That's really good to hear."
The silence lingered on for sometimes when Elaf's phone pinged. Safwa was asking her to hurry up.
"I should get going."
"Yeah."
"Thanks for not making it awkward and acting mature when I wasn't."
"You can always count on me for that."
She smiled and got out of the car. Apparently everything was fine. They were the same friends they had always been.
But Sarim knew that after this first argument, both had few things they would never be able to fully talk about. And that wasn't fine. But right now they were good. Fine wasn't better than good anyway.
But what he didn't know. Fine was always stable. But Good was often not.
____
The sea breeze of Clifton with a hint of home in it had always been Safwa's favourite comforting thing which wasn't human. Right now standing at the terrace with her arms folded on her torso and her long hair in a messy braid, she was staring at nothing in particular. The street light outside the gate of Kirmani house, the still grass and plants in the lawn or the unmoving vehicles parked in the driveway. She had no thoughts, not the coherent ones anyway. Her mind was a haywire mess of jumbled up emotions and musings, which weren't making much sense anyway.
Elaf had left just an hour back. Her presence was very much appreciated by Safwa but she was the kind of friend who sucked at giving any piece of advice related to the matters of hearts because as Safwa could tell, Elaf herself had never been in love. But she was a good listener and Safwa tried her best to vent in front of her but nothing made much sense. Elaf had looked at her with concern filled eyes when her Baba came to pick her but Safwa assured her she'd be fine.
Now standing on the terrace, looking at inanimate objects, Safwa realized how not fine she was. She needed sleep.. She huffed and turned to the other side of the terrace which straight showed the front of the house. She had to go back to her room and rest because she could swear she just saw Izaan's bike parked on the side of the driveway.
That was enough me time for tonight.
She blinked again to get her focus back but to her utter surprise the bike didn't vanish from her vision. And that's when panic settled in.
He was here.
Before she could make a run for her room, she heard heavy footsteps on the stairs. When she turned around Izaan was standing right in front of the door leading to the stairs. He gave her a questioning look seeing how disheveled she was, anyone would be surprised because it was Safwa Kirmani we are talking about, the always prim and proper princess of Kirmani house.
Then his confusion turned into mild annoyance. He took three steps towards her direction and in no time he was standing in front of her.
Even in her state of worry on what to do now, Safwa couldn't ignore how he was looking so good or maybe it was the doing of her foggy mind because she was seeing him after almost a week.
But when the reason for not seeing him for a week again registered in her mind, she immediately tried turning to the side. Izaan placed his hand on the railing. Safwa gave him an annoyed look which he returned with a raised eyebrow. She tried moving to the left side as the second attempt, he placed a hand there as well. He wasn't completely hovering over her. Just making sure that she wouldn't escape without explaining whatever that was going on. Safwa looked up at him owing to their height differences. Something in her gaze told him she wouldn't go so he immediately maintained a decent distance between them.
"Why are you ignoring me?"
It was not a demand but rather a plea with a hint of frustration behind it.
"I'm not..."
"Bulshit, Safwa and you know that. I'm not here to play games or hear lame excuses. Are you angry with me? Did I do something to make you uncomfortable?"
She sniffed. He was so worried and now he was making it his fault.
"I'm really sorry if that day I crossed a line. I just..."
He was finding it hard to say it. He looked sideways trying not to come out as a desperate man but whom he was kidding, his coming here was desperate enough.
He gathered his thoughts once again and looked at her but to his surprise tears were already rolling down her cheeks.
"So, I was right. It was in fact me. I messed up."
Not, you fool. Not like this. She wanted to say but words eluded her so she just shook her head.
"Safwa..."
Not giving him another chance to make himself the one responsible for where they were now, she had hugged him more or less the same way he had hugged her that day. Bunching his shirt in her fists from the shoulders. She was on her tiptoes just to bury her face in his neck and forget about everything even though his whole existence was the cause of that everything. This is love. Your tormentor becomes your medicine. Your reason for dismay is your remedy of happiness.
When she broke the hug, she looked straight in his eyes.
"Whatever happened that day didn't make me uncomfortable. Not in the slightest. Uncomfortable isn't the word I'd use to describe it so please you shouldn't as well."
"Then what is happening? Are you really okay?"
He had, without his noticing, cupped her face in his palms. Safwa cherished the warmth that was him and his every simple innocent touch.
"I'm fine. I just have too many thoughts and they are messing up my mind."
"Can't you share it with me?"
Not yet. She wanted to say but just shook her head.
"Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"
She thought for a while. And then nodded.
"Actually you can do something."
He was looking at her with concern when she held his hand and started pulling him towards the staircase.
Half an hour later, Safwa felt it, when she was sitting right behind on his bike as they maneuvered their way out of heavy Karachi traffic.
A whole hour later, Safwa acknowledged it when they were drinking tea from a famous Chai Khokha on Khayaban e Firdousi.
An hour and a half later, Safwa accepted it with open arms as Izaan pulled his bike towards the nearest petrol pump for a fuel refill with a sheepish smile on his face. She walked side by side with him. The lane was narrow leading to the road at the other end.
She realized it in the lane.
She was in love with Izaan Shoaib and maybe the thought didn't scare her anymore.
Because as long as he was with her no matter in what capacity, everything was fine. She was thinking too much about the what ifs when love isn't for those anyway. Love is about living in the moment and right now, in this moment she was living fully, she was the happiest.
And she was in love.
Rest wasn't that important. Not now. Because now Izaan was with her.
She realized it in a narrow lane walking beside a bike running low on fuel.
In the most bizarre setting, she found something invaluable.
She was in love with Izaan Shoaib.
That was right now.
Rest would follow, someday.
________
Continued in the next Part B. It's also published