Pain.
You don't know true pain until you feel yourself losing control of who you thought you were. You don't know what it's like when you can't do anything to fix a problem because it's just the way things are.
And you don't know what it feels like to have those you trust turn their back on you when you need them the most.
I don't know what's worse; losing parents having had a bond with them, or losing parents that are still alive and well because they can't fathom the thought of you not being their perfect little girl. Whether it's better to have your parents live and love you or at least accept you, or have parents that have stripped you of the name they gave you and throwing you to the dogs of the world with no training. Maybe it's even better to be the one to leave them and say it's okay for them to not love you the way you are, as long as you do. But that part? That's hard. Why?
Because I can't live with the thought of me being an utter disappointment to my parents.
Alexis and her parents accommodated me well- Alexis's mom tried calling my parents, and everytime they'd mention my name, they'd hang up. I sat while it all happened, a hot coco in hand with a blanket covering me, watching my parents act like I never existed. Alexis's young brother suggested they go get my books, clearly enthusiastic about me staying with them and not knowing why.
"Cameron, we'll deal with this tomorrow, okay?" Alexis's dad said, "Alexis honey, please show her to your room and help her feel comfortable."
Alexis nodded, and helped me up, "Come on, CJ, let's go."
We walked up the stairs together, not saying a word. When we got to her room, she locked the door and took my hot coco. I didn't even protest, I just went to the bed, and lay on it, staring at her starry ceiling.
"Cameron."
Her decorated ceiling made me feel worse, and I sat up, looking at my hands. I used a finger to trace my palm around while trying to whistle a little.
"Cameron." Alexis repeated.
"I told you it wouldn't work." I mumbled, still not looking at her, "I told you."
"I'm sorry I didn't believe you." She sat in front of me, "Yell at me. Do whatever the fuck you want to me, I deserve it all."
"No."
"Cameron, it's going to make you feel so much better if you let out your anger or sadness on me. After all, I deserve it."
"I'm fine, Alexis." I shrugged, "I'm okay."
"That's a lie." She frowned, "You're not okay, Cameron."
"Of course I'm okay, Alexis." I weakly chuckled, "I mean, my parents just disowned me, kicked me out of the house, told me to go see the church's head pastor, and they basically called me a demon. Why wouldn't I be okay?"
"You're rambling-"
"It's not everyday that you see your parents telling you straight to your face that they don't accept you, that they don't love you, that you're faking it." I continued, a tear falling down my cheek, "It's not everyday that they make you feel like shit and succeed, even when you cover it up. Not everyday you see them insulting you because you don't dress like a church girl, or because you don't read a bible everyday, or because you-"
"Cameron-"
"Fuck!" I snapped, the tears falling even faster, "I'm okay, Alexis. I swear, it's just a normal thing. Nothing I can't handle."
"You're human, Cameron. You're allowed to feel." She quietly said, "Let it out."
"How many times do I have to tell you? I'm fine."
She pulled me in for a hug, and I froze.
"Cameron, let it out, I'm here." She whispered, and I slowly put my arms around hers, "I got you."
My eyes watered again, and I closed them as Alexis's fabric started to get wet with the salty tears. I sobbed into her shoulder as she continued to rub my back and soothe me by squeezing me tight.
"I'm not okay, Alexis." I whimpered, "I am not okay."