Short message this time: Did what I could! Honestly. Enjoy the new chapter and have a lovely day!
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The elevator door have long closed as Joanna was pulled away from her thoughts by Kiwi, who handed her the key card with a small smile before she offered to take Joanna's things up, so she wouldn't be late for the meeting in Jules honor. To be true, Joanna didn't want to go. She didn't want to be alone, but neither did she want to be surrounded by people.
"Thanks," Joanna told Kiwi, who called her a taxi, so she would arrive on time at the house Sebastian had rented for the occasion. Somewhere near the beach. Jules loved the sand.
Maybe Joanna was insensitive. She didn't really understand the point of meeting and sitting together, but Sebastian thought it was a good idea and he was much more empathetic than Joanna could ever be. If he thought it was a good thing to do, the Austrian would not contradict him.
He was most likely right and it would be good for the younger guys to see that despite all the competition, at the end of the day, there were only nineteen other people in the world, who did the exact same as them and when the smoke clears and the engines are switched off, they're in this together. They understood each other, despite little differences.
Arriving at the house, Joanna exhaled slowly, before she knocked. It was Daniel, who had opened the door. Catching his eye, Joanna knew that he suffered and that they will never heal enough to simply sit together and talk about Jules every once in a year. It will always hurt but both of them were too stubborn to admit that.
"I'm glad you're here." He whispered in her ear, as he pulled the Austrian into his arms, holding on to her for longer than normal, but Joanna would never mention it. She would hold him in her arms for the rest of her life if that would take away the pain he was feeling. She loved Daniel after all.
"I'm not sure I am." She told him softly and Joanna knew that Daniel understood. Brushing her hand through her hair, Joanna followed Daniel into the open space living area. It was a nice loft. A spacious couch and huge floor-to-ceiling windows. The light of the moon and the stars shining inside and illuminating the room. Nobody had bothered to turn on the light apart from one light in the kitchen. Walking over to the windows, Joanna looked outside to see the sea and the beach. Both seemed quiet.
"He would have liked this place," Jenson said behind her and Joanna wanted to ask how he would know, but she didn't. No was not the time to start a fight. She simply nodded and excepted the beer Jenson handed her and Daniel.
Taking a seat on the couch next to Sebastian who softly spoke with Lewis, she gave him a sad smile and squeezed his shoulder in greeting but didn't join the conversation. Daniel was by her side, only to rest his head on her shoulder occasionally sipping from his beer, but the Aussie didn't speak either. He only smiled once as Max took the seat on his order side and squeezed his shoulder shortly.
Daniel didn't question why Joanna didn't even do so much as look in Max's direction. Most likely thinking it was still about upholding an appearance.
Letting her gaze wander over the people present, Joanna felt sick. She knew that the group of younger driver, who was present only wanted to pay their respect, but she hated that they were here as well. Some of them didn't even know Jules.
Glancing over to where Fernando, Jenson and some of the older drivers were sitting, Joanna also didn't understand why exactly they were present. Because Sebastian had invited them all and it would be rude not to show up? They could all stay away from Joanna, for all she cared.
Letting her gaze wander towards the kitchen Joanna noticed the young boy awakened hovering near the fridge, she had watched him win his first F2 race a few weeks back. Charles Leclerc, she recalled and then it hit her. Of course, the boy was here. Jules was his godfather. She had read about him, quite a tragic story for such a young age, no wonder he had the reputation that chaos and drama were following him.
"How is this supposed to work?" Jenson suddenly spoke up and pulled Joanna away from her thoughts.
"Should we tell stories or are we going to sit in silence in the dark and get drunk? I don't want to judge anyone, I just have no idea how this is going to work." Jenson added and to be true, Joanna felt the urge to box him. He was as insensitive as she was sometimes.
"What about stories?" Sebastian offered softly before gestured for the others to come over as well. Soon all people present were gathered around the couch and listening to one of Seb's stories. Joanna knew that one already, but she loved it nevertheless.
Jules had come to Sebastian before his first F1 race ever, totally panicking, but way too cool to tell Joanna or Daniel, so he went to Seb with him being one of the two GPDA directors. Seb had to calm him down and promise him that he was good enough to be here and that he deserved it before Jules finally got all his confidence together to get into his car.
It was a fun story, the way Sebastian told it, but it caused Joanna to realize that Jules always had feared not to be good enough, even back then, when they were still young and stupid. When mistakes still didn't seem to matter and they were way too competitive.
All the people present laughed at exactly the right moments, even Daniel apart from Joanna and Charles. The young Monegasque was still hovering in the back a restless expression on his face, he seemed to notice the same thing Joanna noticed. Jules was never truly meant to drive an F1 car. They shouldn't have let him. Just because you're good at something doesn't mean that it's right for you.
"What about you, Josie? Want to tell a story?" Nico Rosberg asked after a few other people told stories, Daniel, also. She hated the pizza bet story, but Daniel loved to tell it, so she had to listen to it again.
"I'd rather pass. Excuse me a moment." Joanna said before getting up and leaving through the french doors, walking until she was standing on white sand. Kicking her trainers off, Joanna stepped into the now already cool sand, before wiggling her toes a little bit. She understood why Jules loved the sand so much. Looking up at the stars, she wished he would be with them. She wished she would have stopped him. Would have called someone.
"You knew him." An unfamiliar voice called but Joanna knew right away who it was. She didn't even have to turn around. So she wasn't imagining all these glances, Charles had really been starring at her.
"We all knew him." She called back, still not turning around, but the boy was stubborn. Joanna could hear the steps getting close and heavier in the sand. Charles didn't bother to get rid of his shoes as she did.
"No. You really knew him." He said as soon as he was standing next to her, a hopeful glance in his eyes. She liked that one better than the hopeless and cold gaze he was having before. But what did the boy want from her of all people? He should better talk to Daniel if he wanted to cry over Jules with someone, who truly knew him.
"Let's go for a walk," Joanna suggested nevertheless. The Austrian didn't wait for a reply from Charles, she simply started to walk closer to the sea, the Monegasque hot on her heels as soon as she freed himself from his frozen state.
"I've seen you at the funeral but didn't dare to talk to you. I feel out of place without him." Charles added as Joanna still said nothing, she simply walked through the wet sand, with the shoes in one hand.
"So do I." She admitted, shortly looking at Charles. Funnily enough, the young Monegasque had the exact same expression as Jules when he was worried. What a coincidence. It fucking tore Joanna's heart apart. Well, she had to live with that.
"I understand, you know. Why he did it." The boy muttered after a few more steps, before stopping totally. He clenched his hands at his sides into fists, his eyes painfully closed as if trying to suppress the tears. Joanna turned around as she noticed that Charles wasn't following her any longer. Tiddling her head to the left, she watched him with watchful eyes.
"You really shouldn't say that."
"We both know it wasn't an accident. The rest of the world might believe that, but we know the truth." Charles whispered which caused Joanna to reach out her free hand to make him look up at her again.
"I've hoped nobody would ever know. I wanted to spare everyone who knew him this knowledge." She muttered, which caused the Monegasque to open his beautiful green eyes.
"I won't say a thing." He said while shaking his head, which caused Joanna to pull her hand away. "I just ... I wanted to let you know that you're not carrying that burden alone. I know as well." Charles said, it almost hurt how sincerely he meant it.
"You have no idea." She muttered under her breath, before she smiled softly, at the boy in front of her. Maybe she should stop calling him a boy, he was the same age as Max was, but Joanna wouldn't think about that now.
"I've seen you race. You're very talented, Charles." The younger Ferrari driver admitted, she gazes on the crashing waves. It felt so peaceful.
"I want to make them proud."
"I'm sure they are."
"I have a problem with coming to terms with what has happened. I know why but I don't understand." Charles finally told Joanna, which had sat down in the sand by now as they had returned to the house, Charles was fast to join her.
"What happened was ugly and painful. It was wrong. It was without reason. It didn't make sense. It was undeserved and it wasn't fair. But that's life. All we can do is accept that and try to live for the once we've lost." Looking at him, Joanna wasn't sure if that was the right thing to say to the young Monegasque to help him, but that was what she felt about the accident now, one year later. Maybe she will call herself foolish in a few more years to believe that, but for now, it helped her to sleep.
"How are you doing that?" The Monegasque wanted to know, while he collected some sand in his hand, before opening his palm and letting the wind carry the sand away. Joanna watched him doing it a few times.
"I'm not sure. My first reaction as I realized that he was gone was anger. I hated him for leaving us like that. I was angry that he couldn't get over himself and simply ... stay alive. But then I've seen Dan. He cried in the bathroom on the floor for three days and all I could do was lay beside him. I felt so weak, so useless, I couldn't help him. All I could do was laying beside him and hold his hand." Joanna admitted.
The time between Jules's death and the funeral was the worst time Joanna had ever experienced. Most of the time, she had felt totally useless, all hope to get Daniel back on his feet gone. She wanted to give up so many times, but she couldn't not when Daniel needed her. Losing both of them, Joanna would have never survived that.
So one day she simply got up, forced Daniel into a shower, made them both breakfast, and went on with her life. Everything was normal again or at least that's what she told herself. That Joanna couldn't eat pizza since Jules died wasn't important. That she nearly forgot how to breathe every time some said his name was just part of the process. They were doing better now, they were healing, but Joanna didn't feel like time will ever be able to give her back the part Jules had ripped from her the day he died. With all the fault and guilt she was feeling.
"We all want people to think we're brave. But we're really not, all we do is hiding our pain better than most. It still hurts and it will always hurt." She finally said while Charles seemed to zone out, but he had heard her. She wondered what was going on in his head right now, but it would have been too inappropriate to ask him.
"I will join F1 one day. For him, them. But I feel like I'm living his life. Like it isn't really mine." Charles said, his gaze now on the Austrian Ferrari driver next to him, a little unsure smile playing around his lips, while he rested his arms on his knees.
"I've seen you race, you have the talent. You might share the same dream, but it will always be your life. If he would be here, he would tell you the same thing." Joanna said as sincerely as she could. A small smile playing around her lips as well now.
Picking up a little shell, Charles looked towards the sea with a thoughtful gaze on his face.
"Take a breath, spit out the blood in your mouth, and get up on your feet again. You still got a couple of motherfuckers to prove wrong." Joanna suddenly said, as if she remembered something as if she was reciting a poem that she had to learn by heart at school years ago.
"What?" Charles wondered out loud, which caused the Austrian to shortly look at him.
"Jules told me that once. I was in a very bad place back then, mentally. I just had lost ... someone very dear to me. He didn't know that, but he knew that I needed to hear that. He always knew when I needed my ass kicked and when I needed affection and care. He was one of my best friends after all."
"I miss him." That was all Charles muttered, but Joanna heard the change in his voice. He was holding back tears, while Joanna for once felt alright.
The Austrian didn't feel like crying when she remembered the good old days, she felt like laughing and smiling at the stupidity of youth they had back then. She wanted to go back and tell them to never lose their nativity and their warm and honest smiles. Joanna liked to remember a younger version of Jules, who was friends with a younger version of Daniel and her. She wanted to think of these kids when someone mentions Jules, not like it ended.
An ending was never good or poetic. It was simply that, over. And Joanna couldn't bear to think about that.
She wanted to remember the boy, who climbed a tree faster than all the others, simply because he wanted to annoy Daniel. The boy, who drove her off the track, simply to come back later, smiling brightly at the sulking Austrian to throw an arm around her and promise that the milkshakes this night were on him. Not because he had ruined Joanna's race but because of his win. The young man, who gave Daniel a piggyback right to the hotel in Brasil when they got themselves hammered to celebrate Jules's first point ever.
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Japan wasn't like other races. Not with the knowledge of what had happened nearly a year ago. Normally on track was the only place Joanna really felt peace, now it's the only place where she felt everything but peace. Locking eyes with Sebastian, she knew that the German wanted to help her, to offer her a shoulder to lean on, but Joanna didn't need a shoulder to cry on right now. She needed something to get rid of her anger and a qualifying might be an opportunity of exactly that.
The questions from the press conference about Jules were still fresh in her mind. Fueling her anger. All the disrespect and the noisiness of the media people, she wanted to headbutt them, sadly enough that wouldn't go well with her image. The image she had built over nearly a decade. Joanna knew that she couldn't ruin that just because the media people provoked her.
So she did what people expected from her. She did her job. Flirted her way through the paddock until she finally arrived at the Ferrari garage where everyone readied the cars for qualifying. By the time Joanna finally got into the car, she was fuming.
Getting sent out in Q1 and into traffic, Joanna wasn't happy, but she hadn't been happy since the plane had touched down in Japan, so that wasn't really a problem for her out-lap, especially as Nico Rosberg appeared in front of her as she started her fast lap. The only difference was that the German was giving her a nice tow. So the Austrian used the slipstream he unintentionally offered her and put in a time so strong that she didn't even go to put in a second outing in Q1. Rather preparing from Q2, while looking at her own lap, so she would know what to improve.
Easily slipping into Q2, Joanna was the first to leave the pitlane for her first outing in Q2. Now without a slipstream, but the clear air in front of her was enough to put in a decent lap. Boxing after her fast lap, Joanna watched the times the other put in, before the team sent her out for a second outing to make sure things would go smoothly, but the timing was off. The cars in front of her were all on cooldown laps and overtaking them would take too much time and the tires wouldn't be properly warmed up.
"No chance. I'm not going to make it over the line in time. I'm coming back. Think about tire options." Joanna told Matteo, who wanted her to stay out, but the time was already over.
Fortunately, Ferrari was not the only team to suffer from the cooldown laps of the other teams. The usual suspects dropped out and both Mercedes, both Red Bulls, both Ferrari, both Williams as well as a ToroRosso and Hulk's ForceIndia slipped into Q3.
Joanna knew that technically speaking her chance to get a Pole was rather slim. Mercedes had been stronger the whole weekend and also had Red Bull. They were looking stronger than the team had expected after Max's massive crash in Malaysia.
She would have to pull a right stunt to make it into the top three, but her blood was still boiling and Joanna Lauda wasn't one to simply give up. Fight it, or accept it and Joanna was definitely about to fight.
Joanna waited impatiently for the commando to leave the garage for a second outing, but a hand on her helmet pulled her from her focus and caused her to look up at Andrew.
"I know what you're doing right now. But please be careful." The performance coach said, which caused Joanna to give him a short nod, before refocusing on her task. As soon as they gave her the sign, she was leaving the garage and speeding down the pitlane and onto the track.
No traffic which would hold her up, but she saw a Lewis upfront. He must have noticed his position on track, giving her a nice slipstream, but he couldn't do anything to stop Joanna from using it. He had to keep the temperature in his tires nevertheless, which Joanna used to her advantage.
The time was ticking away and Joanna was giving her everything. Speeding over the line, before starting her cooldown lap, while waiting for Matteo to tell her where she would start tomorrow.
Joanna had never been in the garage while they waited for the results of the qualifying, but she knew how tense everybody was waiting for the other cars to finish their laps, comparing sector times and trying to estimate whether it would pay off or not.
"Okay, Joanna. P2. P2. Good job." Matteo told her, which caused Joanna to lean her head against the seat. Normally she wouldn't do something like that, they were already so far down in the car, leaning her head back meant she saw even less than she already did, but she was frustrated. She wanted this pole position.
"Copy. Where's Seb?" She wanted to know while parking her car behind the right sign, the cars from the other top three drivers hadn't arrived yet.
"The positions are Hamilton P1, you P2 , Verstappen P3, Ricciardo P4, Rosberg P5 and Seb P6." Matteo told her, which caused Joanna to thank him shortly, before getting out of her car.
She walked over to where someone from the FIA was already waiting to weigh her before she took off her helmet and removed her gloves. The younger Ferrari driver shortly walked over to her team, allowing Kiwi to fuss over her for a few moments, before Lewis came over to congratulate her. Clasping hands with the Mercedes driver, Joanna let go after a few friendly words before leaning against the barrier and looking over to Max, how already gave his interview.
"Smile," Kiwi muttered into her ear from behind her, remind Joanna that cameras were all around them and they would surely come up with a great story of why the Austrian was sulking rather than celebrating.
Nodding once, it was her turn to give an interview but before that, she would have to face Max, who was about to end his chat with DC. They weren't on speaking terms not since Joanna ignored his texts and Max declined her phone call as a result of that. They were acting like little children but that all was their private problem. Nothing which the world needed to know about.
The best-kept secrets are the ones that are hidden in plain sight, so Joanna did what she always did. The younger Ferrari driver knew that she couldn't act petty right now, because they were fighting. That was private and right now this encounter was strictly professional.
She gently touched Max's upper arm, causing the Dutch to look at her before Joanna smiled brightly and congratulated him on his achievement. It was a little moment and both of them knew it was for the fans and the media people, but Max understood how important it was to play along when they wanted the freedom they had now in their relationship in the future as well.
Nobody questions a gentle touch between friends. Even though Max wasn't affectionate with others, Joanna was with her most trusted friends and that was the best cover they could have ever hoped for. They could hug in front of a crowd of fans and no one would suspect something.
Max slung his arm around Joanna's shoulder and pulled her into a side hug. He knew it was cheap to take her affection when she couldn't deny him, but at this moment he didn't care. He knew their fight was stupid and that both of them were too stubborn to apologize just yet, but he must admit that he had missed Joanna. He had wanted to walk over to her so often and simply put his arm around her, which would have been fully okay for the fans and media people, they let them be most of the time, but he wasn't sure his touch was welcome. Not yet.
However, That never stopped the longing in Max to be with his little family. He knew he had fucked up, or Joanna had fucked up, maybe both of them. Whoever is at fault didn't matter to him, not when he laid in bed at night and wondered if Joanna was able to sleep and if his child noticed that his daddy wasn't with him. He wondered if the child felt like Max didn't love the tiny bean, just because he was still so hesitant.
DC used the moment of affection between them, to thrust a microphone into their faces to interview both of them, which resulted in a little bit of teasing and gentle banter between the two F1 drivers, which the fans loved. That they would sleep in separated beds tonight and wouldn't so much as look at each other after the qualifying, they skilfully overplay. No one needed to know that.