Curse
There was no one who would understand my rage right now. Hindi naman ako magagalit ng ganito kung sinabi lang sa akin ni papa ang totoo simula pa lang.
Pinilit kong pakalmahin ang sarili ko habang umiinom ng avocado smoothie na binili ko sa cafeteria. Normally, hindi ako umiinom ng smoothie sa gabi, but it was the only way I could get energy without the caffeine. Mahirap na baka makatulog pa ako sa duty. Isang oras nalang naman at matatapos na rin ito.
"Konstant?" A voice interrupted my anger and when I looked up, I saw a guy in a doctor's coat looking at me. May lollipop ulit siya sa bibig niya. Pati ba naman sa duty may dala siyang lollipop.
"Jalen?" Nagulat ako nang makita ko siya. Alam ko namang intern rin siya dito sa university hospital pero ang weird lang na parehas rin kami ng shift.
Tahimik siyang umupo sa harap ko. Wala namang masyadong tao ngayon dito sa cafeteria dahil tapos na ang oras ng hapunan. Nandito lang naman ako kasi wala nang ibang gagawin sa shift namin. Hinihintay ko nalang yung ibang duty mates ko na nagpo-plot sa chart.
"About last time..." He finally spoke as he removed the lollipop in his mouth. "I'm sorry you had to learn about your mom that way."
"Okay lang," I told him, putting my cup of smoothie on the table.
Jalen suddenly handed a paper bag to me. "Here. Have some."
Binuksan ko yung bag at agad kong naamoy ang mabangong muffins. Kahit na tapos na akong kumain, nagutom ulit ako sa amoy nito. "Hindi na. Kainin mo na 'yan. Baka hindi ka pa kumakain ng dinner."
Jalen shook his head. "Hindi ako gutom."
I stifled a soft laughter. "Magaling ka na palang mag-Tagalog?"
"Dahil sa'yo," he remarked.
Napangiti ako sabay kuha ng paper bag na bigay niya. "Kung kakain ba ako, kakain ka rin?"
Jalen paused, looking at me with his sparkling gray eyes. "Okay."
Agad akong kumuha ng muffin sa bag at kinagat ito. "Ang sarap naman ng banana muffin na 'to."
Jalen chuckled. "I'm already full just looking at you eat."
"Naku, tikman mo. Hindi pwedeng tinitignan mo lang ako. Promise masarap siya," pangungumbinsi ko sa kanya.
Kumagat na rin si Jalen sa hawak niyang muffin. Pinanood ko siyang ngumuya na parang bata. May naiwan pang karampot ng muffin sa gilid ng labi niya. Gusto ko itong punasan pero baka may makakita sa amin ngayon. Alam kong hindi magandang nakikitang may nakaupong intern sa harap ng isang student nurse. Marami pa namang Marites ngayon.
"Di ba masarap?" Tanong ko sabay turo sa labi niya para punasan niya ito.
Nodding, he stuck his tongue out to lick the side of his lip. Napalunok ako sa ginawa niya. Bigla akong nauhaw ulit kaya agad akong uminom ng smoothie ko.
"Uh, balik na ako sa station. Baka hinahanap na nila ako." Tumayo na ako bago pa may makakita sa amin dito.
"Konstant, wait. Regarding the project, are you still okay to shoot?" Jalen asked, stopping me from leaving.
Muntik ko nang makalimutan na may ilang scenes pa kaming kailangang tapusin. Tapos kailangan ko pang sabihan sina Liatris and André para magtugma ang schedules naming lahat.
I turned to him with a nod. "Oo naman."
"Sounds good. I've prepared-"
The ringing of my phone cut Jalen's words. Taking my phone out from my pocket, an unknown number flashed on my screen. Unang pumasok sa isip ko ay si papa. Pero bakit naman siya tatawag sa ibang number?
Preparing myself, I answered the call, but instead of a man's voice, it was a woman's that I couldn't recognize. "Hello, am I speaking to Konstantia Fernandez?"
The voice of the woman sounded rushed, soft but still audible despite the noises on the background."Yes, sino po 'to?"
"Miss Fernandez, nasa ospital ang tatay mo ngayon."
Those words briefly blanked my mind as I tried to hold on to the fact that everything was all right. My dad was all right. "O-opo. Baka naka-duty pa siya-"
"Miss Fernandez, naaksidente ang tatay mo at kritikal ang kondisyon niya ngayon."
It must have been the cold freezing my temples because I suddenly felt dizzy, unable to hear anything going on around me.
#
"Ko..."
I squeezed the hand of the guy next to me as I looked at the familiar old man lying on the bed. His eyes were the same shade of brown as I remembered them to be, but this time, they glinted lighter under the fluorescent lights. He was wide awake, but at the same time, he was not.
Hindi ko alam kung sumikat na ba ang araw. It was hard to tell from inside the room. Nakasarado lahat ng kurtina sa loob ng kwarto. Pakiramdam ko tuloy nasa selda kami.
It felt like I had been standing there for days, when in fact, ilang oras pa lang ang nakakalipas simula nang makarating kami dito. Every inch of my body quivered from the cold despite the hoodie over me. I couldn't move.
"Leeen..."
The old man's voice made me flinch. Alam kong may gusto siyang sabihin sa akin, but his words were scattered. His mouth twitched on one side, cheek constantly shrinking his eye.
Gusto kong hawakan ang mukha niya at balutin siya ng mga kamay ko. But all I could do was stare at him... hopelessly.
"Pa..." I finally hushed, defying my weakness as I reached out to his hand. An instant guilt crawled up to me, realizing how cold and stiff his hand was.
Napasinghap ako at nabitawan ko ang kamay ni papa. Naramdaman ko ang kamay ni Jalen sa may likuran ko kaya napasandal ako sa kanya.
"An...ak..."
"Papa, nandito lang ako." I stretched my lips in a thin line, pretending I was fine when deep inside, I was being shred into pieces. Hindi ko ma-explain kung gaano kasakit ang puso ko ngayon. Parang nadudurog nang paulit-ulit at wala akong magawa.
"I..."
"Pa, okay lang. Magpagaling po kayo. Gagaling rin po kayo." I didn't mean to raise my voice a notch higher than usual, but right now, I couldn't help but blame myself.
Kasalanan ko ang lahat ng ito. Dahil selfish ako. Sarili ko lang ang iniisip ko kaya pati ang tanging tao na nagmamahal sa akin ay kinukuha sa akin. Parusa ito ng Diyos sa akin.
Wala rin akong kaalam-alam na ilang beses nang nagkaroon ng mini heart attacks si papa. Hindi niya ito sinabi sa akin. Alam kong ayaw lang niyang mag-alala ako sa kanya kaya mas lalo pa akong nagalit sa sarili ko dahil hindi ko man lang ito napansin.
Puro kapakanan ko lang ang iniisip ni papa. Wala akong karapatan para magalit sa kanya. Tinago lang niya ang kondisyon niya pati na ang kalagayan ni mama para hindi ako mag-alala.
All along, I was consumed by my anger with my mother that I never realized what was going on.
"I love you so much, pa." Bending over, I planted a kiss on top of his head and noticed a tear escaping from his eye.
Ramdam ko na rin ang init sa mga mata ko pero hindi ako iiyak... not when I know my father could see me. He raised me to be a fighter and that was what I should show him.
#
I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. I wouldn't. Kahit na hindi ako uminom ng kape, dilat na dilat pa rin ang mga mata ko.
I hated the smell of disinfectant that they were using to clean the hospital rooms, but even that didn't bother me anymore. Ang gusto ko lang ay ang makasama si papa. I couldn't afford to lose him.
"Konstant, you need to sleep." Jalen's voice caught my ears, but I couldn't even care less at the moment.
"Bakit nandito ka pa rin?" was the only response I could give.
"I can't let you stay here by yourself," he insisted.
"Then, stay... but don't tell me what to do," I deadpanned, not moving from my position on the couch I had been sitting on for hours now.
"I know you're scared that something might happen to your dad," he suddenly blurted out, making me turn to him. He locked his eyes on mine with no intention of breaking it. "But, I don't think he'll like it if he sees you like this."
Inilayo ko ang tingin ko sa kanya. Hindi na ako nagsalita pa ulit.
"Here, have some ice cream." Bigla siyang tumayo at may kinuha sa maliit na fridge sa gilid ng kwarto. "It's avocado."
I knitted my brows in confusion, realizing he just got my favorite flavor of ice cream. Pero kahit na paborito ko ito, wala akong ganang kumain ngayon.
Jalen opened the small tub of ice cream and set it on the table. "It's your favorite, right?"
"Hindi ako gutom," diin kong sagot sabay tingin sa direksiyon kung saan nakahiga si papa.
May glass window na nagse-separate sa amin ngayon. Hindi ko dinig yung tunog ng mga makina na nakakabit ngayon sa katawan ni papa, but somehow, I could hear his breathing. At least, I knew he was still alive.
"Konstant, it's all right," Jalen hushed. "It's all right to be sad."
I dropped my gaze from the glass panels, turning to the only person who could say such thing. "Pero kailangan kong maging matatag."
Jalen nodded. "I know. And you are strong, Konstant. But you don't have to be strong right now if you can't."
A wave of heat came rushing to my eyes and the next thing I knew, I was bawling my heart out.
For the first time, I let my emotions drown me like there was no tomorrow. "Nakakainis lang kasi... galit na galit ako sa sarili ko. Kasalanan ko lahat ng ito. Kung hindi lang ako naging selfish, sana hindi nasasaktan si papa pati na rin si mama. Sana nakasama ko pa sila. Napaka-selfish ko."
Lumapit si Jalen at hinawakan ang mga kamay ko. "That's not true, Konstant. None of this is your fault."
"Ako dapat ang nakahiga ngayon doon. Hindi si papa."
"Hey..." Jalen squeezed my hands. "Don't say that. Stop cursing at yourself."
Sa sobrang init ng mga luha ko pati na rin ang mabilis na pitik ng puso ko, pakiramdam ko hindi na ako makahinga ng maayos. It was suffocating that I wanted to go out, but I couldn't. Natatakot ako kasi baka any time, mawala si papa.
"Ano ang gagawin ko pag nawala si papa?" I shook my head, erasing that thought away. "Hindi... hindi ko kakayaning mabuhay kung wala siya."
"You don't have to. He's strong just like you. He'll get through this. You'll get through this."
I let Jalen's words echo in my head until I could convince myself that everything would be fine because right now, I couldn't trust myself to do anything right.
🍭
A/N: Painful chapter... 🥺