I place my mother's earrings through the small holes in my ears and let them hang, showing off how black they are and how sad today is.
I let Stephanie know what happened; I let her know everything and when she was in tears, panicking over how badly she wanted to be by my side, I realized just how much I needed her and how much I needed the outside world. But the only downside was that it had to be Miles who would drive her here, it had to be him, of course it did because Elijah was too far to make it in time and everyone else didn't seem to care enough which only struck another arrow through me. I wasn't sure if I needed to call Jace, I didn't know if that was the right thing to do, or if I should be telling him just how precious he is to me now that I know that I'm not special and that people can and will die around me; even people who seem like they'll never abandon me.
But after all of the debating in my head, I decided against it. Cody understood that I needed space and agreed to go back to WSU or TXU or wherever he's staying.
A part of me wishes he was still around to help me but I also know that I need to be alone more than I need anything. I need to give myself time to think about how I'm truly feeling and what I really want.
"This is going to be a long day." I breathe in and out. I wrap tinfoil over the freshly baked apple pie that I grab out of the oven with my mother's favorite oven mitts.
My mother's death is something I wasn't expecting to experience so soon and now when I have, I still have trouble when I wake up; it's still so difficult to know that it wasn't just a bad dream.
My fingers feel so fragile as if I can barely use them. I take another deep beath and hold the pie in one hand while walking to the hallway with the letter in the other.
I gulp before placing it on a small shelf right next to the front door as I slip into my black heels. I glance behind me once to see the empty house, perfectly clean and spotless, everything that doesn't belong to me, tucked away, everything at peace; the way it should be.
I step outside and close to door behind me as firmly as I can and for some reason the way the door closes rings such a perfect sound into my ears. The sun shines perfectly in front of me and the early morning is slowly putting a smile on my face; something I wasn't sure when I'd enjoy again, if ever. I make my way slowly onto the main small and Stoney road where Miles's car barely fits, and where Jace drove me on his motorcycle to the train station and where I've had such perfect memories, except now, those happy perfect memories won't exist here anymore, I won't ever make new ones, because now this road will be filled with memories without my mother instead of with her.
I hold tightly onto the apple pie in my hands, something I probably won't bake again in my mother's house; I probably won't bake anything there at all again.
I let the pebbles under my heels shoot away into all directions as I make my way to an all too familiar place. I'm not sure how I feel about going here but when I knock on the familiar door it's too late.
"Madison?" Jace opens the door and my hear starts to beat so much faster, I didn't know he'd be home, or that he'd go or care about going after how we ended things and I definitely didn't expect him to open the door to my apple pie.
Jace runs to hug me, he seems taller, definitely more muscular and his hair is practically brown. I close my eyes to the emptiness of the small hallway behind him and admire his touch in the darkness. I hug him tighter and feel his arms hold me so securely, the way I miss being held.
I embrace him and smell his cologne all around me, it feel good, so familiar and safe.
When I feel safe enough, I open my eyes only to see Rosie standing behind him now, giving me a small smile and a small wave, as I look at her with Jace's arms around me and mine around him.
I slowly release my hold and so does Jace, making me realize that I was standing on my toes to reach his height, something I haven't done with him before.
I didn't realize that at our age, growth can still occur like that, he feels like a completely new Jace. Have I changed? Or have I just gotten worse?
"Oh, uh . . . your . . . girlfriend." I try not to stumble over my words too much but it ends up coming out like I'm being rude toward her.
"Hi, Rosie. I'm, um . . . I'm Madison." I try my best to smile and she returns it.
"Hello." She's so polite.
I didn't notice it before but her hair is dark and long like mine but her eyes are brown and her skin is much more fair.
"That's a very pretty necklace," Rosie says and I give her a warm smile.
"Thank you, Jace—" I stop myself.
"It's a friendship necklace." I correct myself and she smiles. I look at Jace who gives me a small knowing smile, thanking me for not bragging about our friendship.
"Oh, what a wonderful pie," Nancy exclaims as she looks both at me and the pie I unconsciously placed beside me when hugging Jace. I quickly grab the see-through large bowl with the aluminum on top and hand it to Nancy.
"Yeah, I thought I'd do something nice for today," I explain and she gives me a kind smile and a long hug that makes me realize that something terrible is really happening, and it's not just something that only I know, because that way I'd be able to ignore it; but I cant.
"Please, have a seat, I'll cut us some pie before we all leave, okay?" Nancy gives me a sympathetic smile and I can see she's trying to resist from giving me another tight hug.
I've known Nancy my whole life, just like I've known Jace and I know that if it were up to her she'd be sitting with me in her lap, crying along with me about my mother's death.
Not only did I loose my mother, but Nancy also lost her friend and I can only try my best to respect her sorrow and not let her cry and ruin her perfectly made face.
She sniffles and I automatically assume that what she's cutting is making her do that but then I realize her nose is red and so are her eyes; she must have been sniffling all day; trying to hold it all back.
"Why don't you give Jace's grandparents a slice?" She wipes below her eye, not letting a drop of mascara smudge her cheek. I nod before grabbing two white plates and turning around and out of the kitchen.
"Mom, I can do that just fine—" Jace begins but I shake my head.
"I want to." I smile and so does he. I nod before passing Jace and Rosie who just looks at me with a small smile. I give her one back and then make my way down the small hall and open the bedroom at the very end. I open the door slowly, making sure they're not awake and see Jace's grandma's bright smile, her white fluffy hair stares back at me as she takes in the pie and my smile.
"Oh, Ron is asleep, you don't have to bother with him." She shakes her head while I place the pie next to Ron's small night stand. I nod and hand her her pie. I sit besides her and she smiles widely, trembling with her hands in order to get a small pice but she manages and her hands suddenly stop trembling.
"I'm very, very sorry for your loss." She leans her hair sideways and then stops everything she's doing with the pie and places it on her nightstand.
"I should have gone, instead of sweet Angela, it should have been me." She says, her eyes fragile; everything about her fragile.
"Oh, no, please don't say that, you mean just as much to me . . . I wouldn't have wanted you gone either, who would have comforted me?" As the words leave me both of us start shedding a few tears and then it seems out of control.
"What's all this fuss about—oh, Madison." Ron turns around slowly, his veiny hands reaching into the sky as if he'll be able to reach far enough to hug me that ways. I give him a small smile, tempted to spill my tears all over the place. I walk over to him slowly with a kind smile and his arms press onto my back, hugging me and then he squeezes my hand tightly.
"We should have gone, both of us, instead of Angela," Ron repeats the same thing as Cinthia said minutes ago.
"No, please don't leave, neither of you, I need you," I whisper into the air and both of them nod as the three of us hold hands.
IT's TIME TO GO but I feel like the time will never be truly right. How can it? I give Cinthia and run one last smile before heading outside, dusting any imperfections of my simple black dress, except it isn't mine, it was my mother's. I decided to keep her closet unpacked, I want it to be as if she's still living there and if she does decide to visit, in whatever form god allows her, everything will be clean, tidy and kept the way she likes it, with familiar things.
I give Nancy a smile and then she closes the door behind me and to Ron and Cinthia. Nancy's hand rests on my back as she kindly leads me toward the door, I don't want to go and it's the worst feeling in the world to have to go anyway.
Nancy wipes her eyes a few times before we head outside, with Ben joining us. Jace and Rosie hold hands and I cant help but stare. It feels so odd to see them together, not that I don't approve but that I can't believe how much things have changed.
I try to occupy my mind as we take the long walk toward where the funeral will be heald, in the church. The reality of my mother being completely gone hits me so had and so all of a sudden that I don't have time to put up a fake smile or brush the tears away.
"Madison are you okay?" Ben jumps and I'm surprised it wasn't Jace. Jace just stands there watching in worry and so do Rosie and Nancy.
"I'm okay." I cry out and it comes out as such a dramatic sob, one that I don't think I can hide anymore. I remember only months ago walking there with my mom and Milles and oh god, the Christmas we spent together that's now my last Christmas with her and I had no idea.
All of these moments have been taken away form me now, the future oof them; doing them again, all the Christmases, Easters, church visits, everything that I'll never get again with her and I didn't even know it'd be my last.
I attempt to take deep breaths to calm down myself and all of the aching feeling inside of me but it just doesn't work and I was stupid to expect it would. I want to hug someone, be with someone and hav e them hols me in my arms and comfort me but Jace's hands are full with Rosie and Nancy and Ben aren't exactly what I'm looking for.
If Jace hadn't met Rosie I would let him hold me, hug me tightly and comfort me, we'd drive somewhere in his grandpa's red car and drive off into the sunset, maybe even to Santa Monica to watch the sun setting over the ocean and talk to Jace about how I'm truly feeling. But that would be selfish. He has Rosie and I can't blame him for that, I can't blame her, all I can do is hate myself for not knowing how to get a relationship like that myself.
Cody took care of me more than I could have asked but I didn't feel anything with him, I didn't feel the strong sense of comfort and friendship that I do in Jace and I didn't feel the strong urge and connection and security that I do with Miles.
I glance up, realizing that my tears have stopped flowing. I didn't hear anything Nancy or Ben have said to me in the past fifteen minutes but I'm glad, hearing all of their comforting things would have only made me feel worse. I realize where we are and I take a big gulp.
I don't want any of this but yet I'm forced. I find myself wishing that death wasn't like this; that it wasn't a celebration but more something you'd let go of, not dwell in with everyone in black crying around you while you try not to picture the person you car so deeply about completely passed away in a coffin that will go underground only for you to never see them again, but here I am and even though I'd want this to be different, I can't have it differently. Because I know that my way of grieving would be skipping the funeral, and that would never be accepted by anyone around even if I'd understand it.
The last memory I want of my mother is her smile, happiness, the way her voice sounded, and while I try to erase my very last memory of her death on the floor, I don't want another one to be built on top, uncrackable and so final; of her in that coffin and that's it; that's final; that's the end and I can't change it and it will be my very last memory of her.
Nancy and then everyone looks at me, as if all asking me if I'm ready; if I'm okay enough to s this and experience it and I nod because there's nothing else I can do; no other option. I gulp before all of us head to the church and I try not to throw up.
My head feels dizzy and I don't know if I can do this, but for now, all I have to distract myself is Jace and Rosie, the way he holds her hand, his thumb rubbing her soft hand, the way I wish he was rubbing mine right now, comforting me.
"Are you okay?" I see Jace all of a sudden next to me, his voice sends shivers down my spine. I haven't talked to him for so long I honestly don't know how to feel. Do I even know him anymore?
"No." I turn to him and look into his green-gray eyes.
"But I will be." I smile at him and so does he, his smile even looks different
"I know you will." He says, his hand on my shoulder for a split second before his hand returns to Rosies and I step forward to sit with Nancy and Ben.
This is probably what Jace felt like seeing me and Miles together all the time except I'm not in love with Jace but I do need him; I need him right now but I can't have him, not in the way I want.
My mothers cast is in the very center but more towards the priest and as everyone has sat down, the priest begins talking but I don't hear anything. I'm too caught up in my own thoughts and I find myself wanting to escape.
Everything goes by so slowly and I can't wait for it to end, but then I realize the reality of this and begin to cry again, tears spilling. Nancy's hand is on my shoulder as she too sheds some tears, trying to dab them away with a white handkerchief. There are more people here than I expected and I don't know half of them. I spot Betty in the very front, crying and dabbing her eyes, she spots me too and for a while, we just look at each other, and then she nods and so do I with a small smile as if both of us have understood and respected each other's pain.
Just as the speech begins, it seems as if it has already ended and everyone stands up, their feet trampling the floor around us.
"I'm sorry for your loss." Betty surprises me by saying as she's now somehow standing next to me. She gives me a quick sympathetic smile and leaves. I know this is all she can do and I appreciate hearing the words from her even though they only make me feel more terrible.
"And I'm sorry for yours." I manage, we exchange a knowing smile
Everyone makes their way to the main place and my heart starts to pound, knowing what's coming next. I can't help but just stare at the coffin, as the priest is saying a few words and then all of a sudden some tears are shed and the coffin goes into the ground. I'm asked if I want to say any words myself but coming here was more than I could handle and I shake my head. I want to say them privately, not now; not in front of everyone.
"Are you feeling okay?" Jace throws the question at me again and I just nod with pressed lips. I don't have the energy in me to reply and even if I would I know I'd be nothing but a crying mess and no words would actually come out.