You never deserved him in the first place. How did he even come to love you? How could he stay with someone so broken and scared? Yet still, you were the happiest you've ever been since he came into your life.
Lee Felix. Even his name brung a smile to your face. You thought loving again was impossible, especially after what happened with your abusive ex boyfriend…
Bad memories. Horrifying memories that haunted you every night, every day, and every second of every hour. You've never been the same, and relationships now felt like you were simply a puppet for the other to control and use to their desire. He convinced you that what he did was out of love, and that you were the one not showing it back. So you agreed out of fear, wishing that he'd let you go if you followed his rules just a little longer.
You got away from him, eventually… But your heart was no longer there. He took it, or actually, you gave it to him when you thought he could've been trusted. It was stabbed, ripped apart, shredded, and disposed of, as if it meant nothing.
Oh how you begged that the empty spot inside of you would heal and grow back to its former state. Unfortunately, getting over such a wretched and painful relationship wasn't that simple. The scars he left on your mind had done much more than the ones he left on your body. But you were certain that every ounce of your longing for love had been washed away in the ocean of tears you've shed.
Love. It seemed so easy to share, to take a part of you and hand it to another. It used to be that way for you.
When meeting Felix, he was already a bright and cheerful boy. So innocent, sweet, and caring. Yet you still cowered under his presence, refusing to let yourself be open to a man ever again.
As time ticked by, he only showed the same and warm side from the beginning. There wasn't any fakeness in his smile, laugh, words, and actions. If he did something, he meant it from the kindness within him. You knew that. You knew he was a good person. And somehow, somehow, you grew and felt that tug of a string when seeing him. The little sign that said, 'don't you remember this feeling?'.
Yes, you did. Very clearly in fact. But remembering such a nostalgic and pleasant memory only made it worse when recalling the disturbing events that came after it.
So you ignored it. You left those emotions to rot, and hopefully they would, except… they didn't. They really didn't. Instead, they stayed, and became louder and more attached.
Until one day, just thinking about Felix made your palms sweat, your face flush—and possibly, though you won't admit it—your heart race. It seemed unreal to you that he was able to cause all of that. And only him, did your eyes always turn to.
Never in a million years, did you expect him to confess and ask you to be his girlfriend. You were hesitant. Should you take his hand that was held out to you? Everything in your body was screaming to reject him, even if you really wanted to say yes. In the end, you grabbed onto the chance, and gave him the little trust you had left.
From then on, it all seemed to get better.
He showed you what true love was like. He tried his best to understand your perspective and emotions so he wouldn't hurt you in any way. Nothing he did made you uncomfortable. It all sounded like the relationship you've always wanted, and it was. It made you wonder how you could go from abused and controlled to cared for and loved. You had so much fun with him, more than you ever had with anyone else. Please, could this happiness last for eternity while you still live and breathe in this world?
The answer was no.
You drifted away from each other. Neither of you really spoke anymore and if someone were to break the silence, it'd always be him. It wasn't his fault. It could never be his fault when you were the problem. Why? What happened? It was going so well until… fear. Fear took over you and you lost control over it, once again...
It was quite obvious that Felix was a person who enjoys skinship. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, he's wanted to do them all with you, but you told him you weren't ready. Every touch reminded you of your past trauma and you hated it, you hated how you would start crying while seeing those terrible flashbacks.
That was the start of it all. The guilt kept getting to you, convincing you that he must've been tired of your inability to show affection. He deserved better… He deserved all the sweet interactions between him and his girlfriend, instead of this… Instead of you, who couldn't even express your love like every other normal person.
So you distanced yourself away from him. You stopped trying to keep up with his actions, you stopped smiling and laughing at his jokes, you just stopped being the one he fell in love with.
And it pained you to do so. You could tell he was confused by the sudden change in attitude, but he didn't say anything because he thought you just needed some time to yourself like usual. No, that wasn't it.
You did it because he might prefer it this way. Maybe eventually he would cut ties with you so you could avoid the impact and heartbreak afterwards. You've always kept yourself near him, but now you get this feeling that he doesn't want it. That he doesn't want you.
This was for the best, wasn't it? Pathetic. Just pathetic. How could you do this and actually have the audacity to say it was for the better? It's hard. You know he loves you, but you can't bring yourself to trust him fully, even after 1 year of dating. That's right, he hasn't been able to kiss his girlfriend or even hold her due to your cowardice.
It's confusing. It's scary. You don't know what he's thinking. There's so much pressure on you and you feel like you should stop this, but you can't decide between what's right and wrong anymore.
You love him. You really do, yet you can't tell him or show him like you want to. Is it too late? What if he's actually losing feelings for you now… You've started distancing yourself from him a month ago, why did you have to mess everything up?
Your insides were burning with flames and you were on the verge of breaking down in your shared bedroom, tears staining your face until it all finally released in a burst of sobs. You dropped onto your knees heavily, hands covering your ears as you let the awful reality overwhelm you.
The noise around you disappeared and your breathing became unbalanced within seconds.
"What do I do? I don't want to break up… I don't want to make him sad… Why am I like this? Why do I always hurt the ones around me… So problematic… it's annoying, i'm annoying…" your throat felt sore even though you didn't even open your mouth to talk. "Help… someone…"
And as if your plea was heard, the sound of footsteps grew louder until the presence of a body stood behind you in shock, watching your back that was faced towards him. Without a second thought, he crouched down beside you on one knee.
"Y/n, are you okay?! What's wrong?"
Those words were the first you heard from him in the past week, and it made your chest tighten.
"Felix…" you muttered his name through your constant need to suck in air. "If everything was thrown away and forgotten, would living without crying be easier? But I can't do things like that… So please... don't show me a-anything more."
"What're you talking about? I don't understand..." he asked in confusion, still very worried about your state.
"Honestly, I don't either. It's awful... IT'S AWFUL!! I'D RATHER YOU DESTROY MY BODY! TEAR IT INTO SHREDS!! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH IT!!! JUST STOP BEING SO NICE TO ME!! I… I can't s-stand it..." You admitted, letting all of the bundled stress out for the first time in front of him. "Hate me... Why can't you hate me?? It shouldn't be that hard for you when I'm like this…."
Felix kept silent, unsure of how to comfort you at this moment while his brain tried to decipher what you were trying to say. Hate you. It was a big enough hint as to why you were begging in that cracking voice.
"I'm sorry, but I can't do that no matter how bad you want me to," he responded softly, wanting to give you a tight hug to assure you that everything was going to be okay, yet he could only stay in his spot to not bring you accidental pain. "I can't do that because I love you, y/n. I love you too much to hurt you, and I promised I would never when we started to date, remember?"
"But haven't I hurt you!?!"
Your shout startled him and he drew his bottom lip under his teeth, holding back the sadness he wouldn't allow to reveal itself.
"It doesn't matter to me 'cause I know you find it hard to express your feelings and aren't comfortable with physical contact like I am. It's fine. You don't have to be apologetic for who you are, it's all good now, alright?" He put on a smile, only making your heart ache further.
When you didn't give him a reply, he got up from his position until he was on his feet, looking at you lovingly.
"You probably have a lot going on in your mind right now so I'll let you have some time to yourself–"
As soon as he turned around to walk away, your body moved on its own and in an instant, your hand seized his wrist. He froze while shock ran through his veins. Slowly, he glanced at your skin touching his. That sensation felt almost unrecognizable, but he intensely longed for more.
Please don't go.
Those were the words you wanted to say, so you opened your mouth to speak, but nothing came out. This was it. This was the moment of realization when you were too ashamed to ask him to stay. After what you've done, you deserved it. Yet, he still managed to get the message after locking eyes with your teary ones.
"Do you not want me to? I won't go anywhere if you want me here by your side. If you think I'd mind, I assure you I don't. Not at all."
You thought about it before nodding slowly, feeling so relieved when he sat back down with his legs laid out in front of him. Then you did something you never expected yourself to do. You threw your arms around his torso and buried your face into his shoulder…
...embracing him for the first time ever.
Forget it. Your fear, your ex, your past. Just forget it all. Felix is different. He would never do any of that to you. So break free from this cursed way of living, because you have a better person that'll always be there in the end.
"Please…" you whispered. "Hold me. And don't let me go."
He was stiff when you suddenly jumped him, but now he found himself relaxed as he did what you asked. It was warm. A good warm that melted your stress and eased your pain. Something you needed for a while now, but haven't gotten until this day. You just let yourself cry in his arms, not holding back a single tear any longer. Your eyelids swell as well as your face, all puffy and red, yet to Felix, you looked just as beautiful as before.
"I'm sorry lix… I'm so sorry for distancing away from you without saying a thing… I was afraid you fell out of love with me and couldn't stand my cautious behavior anymore… So thank you for staying with me. Thank you for healing me and cherishing me like no other. I'm happy that you're my lover, and that we met, dated, and maybe even… m-maybe even, uh…" you swallowed, pondering what he would think of your suggestion. "I don't know… get m-married when we're older?"
Felix chuckled. He knew that you were scared of going any further into your relationship, but it gave him butterflies to hear you talk about a future with kids and even grandchildren.
"I'd love that," he agreed, already imagining the millions of possibilities. "And of course I wouldn't get tired of you. You could push me away and ignore me for weeks, months, or years, if you aren't ready to continue what we have, but I would still wait until you're comfortable. I love you, y/n. You're my soon-to-be wifey! Aren't you?"
You hum, laying against him in a peaceful silence. It's about time you returned the three words, and to your surprise, it came out a lot easier than you thought it would.
"I love you too, Felix. It's quite remarkable how you could make me feel like this when I don't have a heart. But say, if I did have one… How would I find it?"
You met his eyes, and smiling a little, he says,
"Well about that, you have it. Right…"
Felix gently grabs your hand, bringing it up in the air until he presses your linked fingers onto the left center of your chest.
"...here."