I don't know how long I've been staring at the large shelf containing all the boxes, in a way I'm sad that these memories need to be packed away, all the coloring books my mom and dad gave me, all the drawings I made for my mother after my dad left. Everything is packed and gone, all I've had.
"I found this." Cody slowly approaches me as I continue to stare into the living room where I once sat down with my mother who told me everything about my father; everything she dared to tell that is. I turn around softly to look at Cody's smile as he reaches his hand to mine and touches it, placing something in my palm.
It's funny to think about how Miles seems to be the only one to give me any feelings, any sensations, any cravings.
When he brings the bad, it's really bad, but when he brings the good, it's heaven. Cody flinches away and I just stare up at him as if I'm in awe but my lips are closed and my eyes don't feel like they're looking at him that way at all.
"I'm sorry." He says, cheeks flushing a light pink color onto their skin.
I just observe and then finally manage a, "it's okay." After realizing I haven't said anything for a while. Touching his hand didn't feel like anything, it felt like touching Jace, it's familiar and comforting but it doesn't do anything to my body, or maybe it does and maybe I just can't feel it because of the strong and powerful sensations Miles gives me that make me feel as though waves of the ocean are being poured on me with all the good in the world and my body wants to collapse under it all. Miles has ruined all of my sensations that aren't for him and I don't know when or if I'll ever get them back.
"Do you want to take a look?" Cody asks.
"What?" I ask softly and then qucikly realize.
"Oh, right." I smile and look down at my palm.
"It's beautiful." He says and I nod.
"It was a gift from Jace," I tell him as I trace the blue heart with my finger.
"Oh." I hear quietly from Cody's lips but I don't bother paying attention to it because I'm too stuck in my own head, in my own thoughts about Jace who I haven't seen for too long. I haven't stayed in contact with him or seen him, talked to him, nothing.
"I'll get it," Cody says and I stare up at him confused as he leaves the room. I hear his footsteps in the kitchen and then I don't hear them anymore. I don't understand what's happening until I hear a knock at the door, realizing that that's where Cody went.
My heart starts to pound, Miles can't have come back. I walk slowly out of the living room and into my room before being able to head into the kitchen to see that my thoughts were correct. He isn't back. Why would he be? Why would he care?
I feel my phone vibrate and I glance at the message before I manage to greet the police officer in front of me.
Stephanie: "You're missing a lot of classes, are you okay? You haven't been back in a while . . ."
Oh god, Stephanie, she doesn't know what has happened or how I've been battling hell for the past few days. Does Jace know? Oh god.
"Madison." I hear, the police officer talking me out of my endless spilling thoughts about just how shut off from the world I've been.
"How are you?" He asks and I honestly don't know how to answer the question. I'm not as terrible as I was before and now that I've packed away my mother's things, I'm starting to see life outside of my pain.
"Fine." Is the only answer I come up with. He leans in and I can see the wide eyes that Cody is looking at me with and before I know it, the police officer is hugging me.
The hug doesn't feel strange, it feels familiar and caring not how you'd feel if a random stranger would be hugging you.
"I really hope you are." He says and then quickly detaches himself away from me.
"Thank you." I try to be sincere, but there's little I can do if not force myself to smile which will only look odd since all I can do these days is pull the side of my lip very subtly.
I haven't showered in two whole days, I've been spending my days packing my mother's things with Cody and I've been packing into large brown boxes that will probably never be re-opened again and on top of that I've eaten the box of candy Miles gave me, I ate everything and I started reading my parent's letters again, getting closer to who they were and what their relationship was like. But all I've discovered so far was the back and forth of hurt when Peter kissed Betty.
"I came to tell you . . ." He takes off his blue hat.
"Well, I came to give you this." The officer looks me in the eyes and continued to look at me even after I've moved from his eyes and to the white letter in his hands.
My fingers attempt to open the envelope but it takes much more effort than I thought and the police officer takes his chance to add, "I figured it wouldn't be appropriate to let you be in charge of this . . ." I manage to rip open the letter and see my mother's face staring back at me and the tears in my eyes trying to tear through my burning eyes.
"And with no other guardian present, this was something I wanted to do for you . . . I hope that's okay." I can feel him stare at me as my heavy eyes can't take themselves away from the pain in front of me; from my mother's funeral invitation. I look up at him and nod, not having any more words.
"I'll leave you to it then, I hope I didn't overstep my boundaries—"
"No." I shake my head, quietly letting out the word and he nods with a smile one last time before closing the door behind him and leaving.
"Was he really not overstepping?" I turn to Cody whose lips are parted, waiting for an answer to the question.
"No," I say for the second time except it's louder this time.
"Or maybe he was." I add, "But I couldn't have done something like this myself, and I'm glad I don't have to feel guilty about not wanting to." Cody nods with understanding eyes.
"When is it? The—"
"Tomorrow . . . I didn't realize so much time had already passed, but . . . it's time."
Cody is standing beside me, rubbing my shoulder with one hand and with the other, he helps my trembling hand hold up the invitation.
Our fingers are so close and he's so close, so close that I can feel his breath land on my fingers and his shoulder half an inch away from mine.