Lilith's POV:
I take another drag from the cigarette and finally squeeze the last bit of blaze out onto the steel construction. I take another deep breath before I think about going back to my locker.
Until a soft voice destroys my plans: "hey." The voice is behind me and it seems familiar again. Like I arrived at home. I turned around to see... her.
Violin, my face dropped and my eyes rolled. I don't know what's about her but I swear to god she has been following me. Can't I even enjoy a cigarette on my own? I don't know if she thinks I wouldn't notice but I did. And it has reached a point where I really have no clue what the hell she wants!
"Hey" I reply with a monotone voice and my hands pulling the annoyance in the background.
"Am I disturbing you? If yes, I can totally go. No problem! I just thought you would might greet some company." She smiles and hops onto the construction right in front of me.
Actually yes, I wanted to be alone, but I didn't wanted to seem alone so I just shook my head: "Nah it's alright... it's just... I'm new here and haven't met anyone really yet."
Not sure if it was my attention or it just happened to be like that. But I feel like in a school with 99% colored people just being white is making you kind of an outsider. She looked down to her black shoes that were quite elegant but still casual and fitting her style: "Me too! I just arrived here and... I know no one in this school or town And I've been feeling kind of lonely..."
I just nod another time, I didn't wanna talk about feelings and all that shit right now. So this conversation was over for me but of course she continued: "By the way sorry I got so angry at you when you called me a wrong name. I didn't want to it was just... I was on my period you know?" She blushes, it seems like all those words were not hers. Like someone took the things she would've said and gave her new ones. I mean I don't know her but at least from my first acknowledgment of her, she doesn't seem so sweet and nice and all this fake role she is presenting to me on a silver plate. In response to her excuse I put on a cringe fake smirk and nod to show her I heard what she just said. Her facial expression changed from this beautiful angel to her constantly thinking about how to keep the conversation going.
"That name... if I may ask. Why is the word V... sorry. Um... why is it such a big problem for you?" I question her mainly to break the awkward silence. It was like one of those dates, where it was fun till a certain point where it got awkward and both parties knew that they're both just wasting their time and that you won't ever text with this person ever again. But at least you had great conversations on the internet.
That's the absolute vibe I'm getting from this situation.
Violin scratches the back of her head and starts: "well... I can't tell you... but... the name was given to me and the person who gave it to me has 100% control over my life. At least this time I wanna be in control of something."
That's weird but still so relatable...
She clears her throat and puts on this fake happy voice: "what about you. Tell me something about yourself!" About me... hm... there's not much about me: "well... you know I'm Lilith and I'm 17 years old. Today is actually my birthday!"
She squeaks up: "oh my god really? Happy birthday my sister!"
I just awkwardly nod in appreciation: "thanks... um... yeah I moved here with my boy... well ex boyfriend. And I lived in Florida and Montana but that's pretty irrelevant. So yeah nothing special about me. Oh... um... I'm having a birthday party at the skatepark on Friday. I don't know if you wanna join? It's nothing big and everyone brings their own stuff. More... more like a meet out with some people... I don't... I don't even know most of them. My friends or yeah kind of brothers organized it for me, with their friends. So you would be the third person I'd know." i felt so uncomfortable but I really didn't wanna be there just alone. Like after some time ruby and scrim will leave me to talk to friends and I would just be standing there alone.
Violin smirks for a millisecond and nods: "yeah... thank's I'm not a party girl but I'll might jump by. You're from the seventh ward?"
Am I? I am currently staying there but, in the end I'm not from there. I've never known what it's actually like being poor or well needing to live in the near of public housing or the projects... so no I'm not a seventh ward baby.
* TW the following paragraph could be triggering to some people that struggle with drug abuse and addiction*
The week passed fast and it was Friday night. I was wearing some blue ripped jeans and a typical black college sweater that scrim gave me. I saw him for the first time again in like ever. He has been working hard and just came out of his room to grab food, say happy birthday and block the bathroom. I was sitting on my couch watching some tv while smoking a cig. "Yo bitch, what did I tell you about smoking inside?" He snitches from the side and grabbed the cigarette out of my mouth and put it in his own. I raise an eyebrow and look at him: "I have no fuckin' clue what'cha talkin' about. You smoke in here all the time!"
He grins with his bright smile: "yeah because I'm the motherfuckin' man in the house and financing yo bitch ass on the couch."
Ouch... that kind of hit me. But still that's what I missed, fooling around with him. You could never take him serious, he is just so... funny. And when you can handle his temper, he really is a good mate. "You nervous?" He asks me and points to my fingers tapping on my knee like crazy. "Kinda yeah. You have anything against that?" Scrim changed his sight in my direction: "you mean prescriptions or what?" I can feel his pain in that moment. The last thing he would wish me is an addiction but he knows that we both don't know how to deal with anxiety. He mumbled more to himself than answer my question: "I mean yeah sure, I have anything you could imagine from Xan's to h. I got it. But you sure you wanna go down some of those paths?" He seemed unsatisfied with his reply and you could feel the entire mood drop. I just shake my head in reply and pull out another cig. As a consequence I received another smirk from Scrim. "Can I ask you something?"I inquired to kind of change the conversation in a new direction. "Sure." He responded and stole himself a cig out of my package.
I thought about my question wisely to not say something wrong: "how... what does being high on heroin feel like?"
The young slim musician next to me smirks: "I knew you'd ask that... But it's hard to explain. It's a long term that you need to describe... because it's not like you shoot dope once and then you're good. Nah. You can't, even though you think about doing h once, you'll come back to it. Definitely. I was first snoring it, then chasing the dragon and after short time I started shooting. I never shot myself. I just can't. I had friends done it to me, dealers, even Ruby helped me out from time to time... But what I'm tryna say is, at first you feel like a god. It's like all the pain is suddenly gone. You become so smooth talking, entertaining, calm and just confident about yourself. And you're surrounded by a huge warm hug. Like a person you love hugs you in a warm bathtub of love and everything around you becomes irrelevant. You're so high but at the same time you lay down on the floor, staring at the ceiling and imagine how you can do everything at that moment. You feel like you're in space. Gravity and sound aren't existent anymore. You're just on the floor, because your body is so heavy that you can't stand anymore. And you spend month's and month's only thinking about that one love you have. That one thing you want. That drug that feels like you multiplied an orgasm a trillion times. And nothing is boring with heroin. You spend your day staring at a wall being half awake, half asleep doing nothing. But you think you're the greatest person of all time. Like you're this magical creature called god. Till it hits you. Being sober becomes hell. Being sober feels like the worst sickness you'll ever experience. It's like... you're cold deep down to your bones but at the same time you sweat like crazy. You start wearing a jacket but sweat even more. It's like you're wearing a winter jacket in a typical Florida summer and at the same time you're somewhere in Alaska on a lake of ice. Parts of your body, that you didn't even knew existed hurt like hell. It's like bugs crawl under skin and you want to cut them out of there with a switch blade. And you had only one way out of that awful state. Getting money to shoot some dope. You spend your whole day in incredible pain, throwing up all the time, sneezing like crazy and it hurts, it hurts so bad. You're depressed, plaguing suicide thoughts, you're anxious and every touch, any touch to be honest. It burns, it hurts to the depth of your bones. Every single cell in your body is screaming to get that fucking drug and shoot it up your vein. Even though you'll just fix it very temporarily but you want to feel like a normal person again. You can't stand those thoughts, the urge to constantly kill yourself, the incredible pain. So you do everything in your power to finally score. Everyday. You're not doing that to feel somewhat incredible again. Nah you just want the pain and all that shit to go away again." He breathes deep and I just have the urge to hold him in my arms and give him a big hug. I can't keep still and wrap my arms around him: "I'm so sorry for that... all that..." I almost cry. Scrim simple shrugges: "you don't need to. You never offered me any dope so. It's not your fault. It's my own fault, if it's anyone's fault at all."
He is so wise even though he has been through all of that: "do... do you still do heroin? Are you still an addict?"
Scrim acknowledged my choice of words: "yeah... still. Or I dunno prolly forever. I'll die as an addict one day."
He is so sure about him and his future, is he high right now? Have I ever seen him sober?: "how many shots do... do you need in a day?"
- "five."
*I hoped you likes this chapter I made it a little bit more based on conversations!*