Hello. Despite what I thought, I did have some time to work on my projects. So, here we go. Things are getting complicated, but I hope you enjoy it, nevertheless. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but English isn't my first language. Just so you know.
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Back at home, Joanna couldn't believe that she really managed to wait so long until she took the test. Waiting for Max to be away with his friends was cruel, Joanna knew that but it was her body after all and she needed time to understand her own situation before she could tell Max.
Of course, the Dutch wasn't happy to leave Joanna at home when she wasn't feeling well, but the Austrian had insisted that Max needed to celebrate his birthday with his friends and that they would simply have their own little party as soon as he would be back.
As soon as Max was gone, Joanna went to do the grocery shopping for the time they would be at home, despite her still not eating much at all, which she knew she needed to change for the baby to be healthy, and picked a few tests up at the pharmacy.
Returning to their apartment, Joanna originally wanted to take the test right away, but in the end, she found thousand other things she had to do before she could do the test. Like doing the dishes from breakfast today, checking the water quality in the spa area, despite having no idea. Normally someone was coming over once a week to check on it. Nevertheless, Joanna tried to do that and she cleaned every window in the apartment, which were quite a few floor-to-ceiling windows.
Finally, after having deep cleaned the whole house and some of the garden, Joanna decided that all of this was ridiculous enough for a day, so she went into the kitchen to get the test from where she had left them on the kitchen counter only to take on of them with her to the bathroom.
Exhaling slowly Joanna looked down at the test one more after she exited the bathroom. The Austrian only frowned more at the test as if it was personally offending her, before putting it down on the couch table and setting a timer.
"Please ..." Joanna muttered but she wasn't sure what she was asking for. A pregnancy that will end her carrier or for the change of having a baby to slip away. After what happened with her first baby, the doctor had told Joanna that a pregnancy would be a miracle and that she should not expect to be able to conceive a child ever again. Her body turned toxic after losing her first child.
Maybe she wanted this little bean to be her miracle.
Shoving the little stick a little bit wider away from her, Joanna leaned back into the soft cushions of the couch. Glancing at the picture of her and Max, next to each other smiling this year in Spain on the podium, which was standing right before the television. A framed picture of the first ultrasound would go well with the picture.
Swallowing hard, Joanna wasn't sure if she really should tell Max about the baby. He only turned nineteen, she didn't want to destroy his life with a child he most likely never wanted. They've talked about this. Well, Joanna's position on that topic was different than it is now because she most likely is carrying a child, but Max had been clear. He didn't want children. Or at least he would live his life without children for Joanna. But things were different now.
Not telling him at all was still an option. Not much longer, but for now, it was. But what's the plan then? Simply vanishing? As if she never existed? That would never work, not with Max of all people. He wouldn't give up on her. Sadly, she didn't put it past herself to just get on a plane and never come back. Maybe that was the smartest move until the kid is old enough to ask about its father and then Max surely would hate her for denying him his child for years.
Joanna was deep in thoughts as the alarm clock on her phone went off, telling her that it was time to take a look. The Austrian was about to turn the test around, so she could take a look, as another sound on her phone alerted her that she had a massage. Looking at her phone shorty, Max had sent her a picture of him sitting on the shoulders of one of his friends with a drink in hand and a smile on his lips, but what stuck out was the t-shirt he was wearing. A black shirt with the white text 'daddy'. It's as if he already knew.
Sending Max a thumbs up and a little red heart, Joanna turned the test over only to see what she and apparently also Max already knew. She really was pregnant. Well, fuck.
Leaving the phone in the living room, Joanna moved into the bathroom to hide the test behind some stacks of towels, before she brushed her teeth and changed into her sleepwear. The Austrian felt numb, no tears threatened to fall but also no laugh of joy was about to break free.
Letting herself fall onto the bed, with her back first, Joanna swallowed slowly. Closing her eyes, she tried her best to stop herself from wondering what her son with Mark would have looked like now. A little bit over two years old, with dark hair and brown eyes. Maybe he would have a sibling by now. But this version of her life will never come true. Opening her eyes again, Joanna tried to push the memory back into the little box where it ultimately belonged. There was no need to dwell on the past.
Resting her hand on her belly again, Joanna knew that the future was scary enough.
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Gently Joanna let her fingers wander over Max's cheek, trailing down to capture his chin between her fingers before pulling him into another lazy kiss. The Dutch did his best to not fall asleep, while they were kissing, but after every kiss, it got harder to reopen his eyes again, which Joanna watched with a fond expression.
Max had just arrived about two hours ago, but that didn't stop them from celebrating his birthday. The Austrian knew that they both had an exhausting day and that Max had the habit to fall asleep, too comfortable cuddled up in bed, the afterglow of sex still lingering over them, to stay awake for much longer but Joanna was different. Her mind was always awake. Nowadays at least.
The news she had to tell Max was on the tip of her tongue since he had walked into the apartment, but Joanna simply couldn't bring herself to say it. She wanted him to have a nice birthday and not to stress about the future. At least not yet.
"Are you falling asleep on me?" Joanna questioned with a soft smile, which caused Max to open his eyes again. He was more asleep than awake, but Joanna understood. The boys had quite a holiday as it seemed. Daniel had sent her a few photos of Max and the others which should better not end up on the internet.
"No." He breathed out, leaning back, getting comfortable again as best he could with his sunburn after pulling Joanna to lie on top of him. The Austrian had those stormy grey eyes that you can definitely get lost in, wondering what was hidden behind all these beautiful and well-spoken words.
Her hands rested above his heart, with her chin carefully bedded on one of them. Naturally, Max's hand found its way to the back of Joanna's skull, massaging softly while playing with her hair from time to time. One of the few things which caused Joanna to fall asleep almost instantly.
The Austrian knew that Max was worth all the lying and the secrets. Keeping it a secret from the media and other drivers. She would sneak around to see him for the rest of their lives if this meant they could be together. But things would change a lot from now on. There was no snacking around together while having a child. Joanna wondered if Max was ready to be a father.
They had to make it official if they wanted to be together. But for Joanna that wasn't the scariest thing. It scared her far more than she was so sure that Max would do it all with her, without a second thought. He trusted her so much, she wasn't sure she was worth even half of his trust.
She had handed him her heart, this bloody, bruised, and barely pulsing thing and for the first time, she believed that someone finally would take care of it. Joanna just had to hope that everything that would now come their way was not too much for them.
The youngest Lauda sat up, which caused Max to open his eyes again. But what he saw worried him instantly, normally Joanna would smile down at him in a teasing way before she did something to get him to just stay awake with her for a little bit longer, but this time she was biting her lip. So hard, Max was afraid she would draw blood.
"Hey, don't do that." Carefully he reached out, to brush his thumb over her lower lip, causing her to let it free, but at the same time, it was everything that held her bone thwacking sobs in.
Max's eyes widened as he sat up highly alerted. He never had to deal with a crying girl other than his sister and she just went to their parents when she was sad, so Max had absolutely no clue, how to handle Joanna now. He did not once have to take care of a crying girl. No girl ever meant enough to him to actually care why they cried, but Joanna was different.
A little bit unsure, he reached out and pulled her against his body. Rocking her in his arms, like his mother used to do with him all these years ago.
"I ... Are you ...? What do I do?" Max stumbled over his own thoughts, which caused Joanna to actually smile at his concern for her.
"You're doing great," Joanna whispered against his shoulder before she leaned back to look into Max's turquoise eyes. The Dutch brushed his fingers carefully over her cheeks, catching the tears, which were falling.
"Is it my fault?" Max uneasily asked, which caused Joanna to smile this strange smile. Somehow pained but still so affectionately.
He has seen it so many times on his mother's face, when he asked her why she was sitting with him on the bed, quietly crying in the middle of the night while carefully letting her fingers brush through his hair.
Back then he didn't know what his father did to his mother when nobody was paying attention. Max still felt so stupid for believing her every time she told him she had fallen down the stairs or she had run against the closed door. Maybe he always knew what was happening behind closed doors and he had just closed his eyes, not ready to see the truth. The Dutch often wondered if he could have helped her.
"It's just one of these days." She whispered before she tried to smile again. Max watched her for a few more moments before he pressed a soft kiss against her forehead.
"I don't want you to be so sad." He whispered into her ear, which caused Joanna to search his eyes. Just a few simple words. I. Am. Pregnant. That would have been enough and Max would have known about their situation. Maybe he would be happy. Maybe he would be excited to be a father, but Joanna didn't manage to mutter these words. She simply couldn't. Not yet.
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Waking up the next day, everything was normal again, at least for Max, who was still sound asleep while Joanna threw up in the bathroom. The Austrian was glad that she had a few moments for herself, taking a shower after the little incident with the morning sickness. Standing in the shower, Joanna wondered if she could ask Susie about tips, the British woman was further along than Joanna, so maybe that would be a possibility.
She didn't have to ask so directly, just show some interest and Joanna was sure Susie would be happy to talk to someone about her baby. Getting ready for the day after leaving the bathroom, Joanna was fast to pack her suitcase. The PR team from Ferrari wanted her a few days earlier in Malaysia for some promo video's which never bothered Joanna, but she wasn't a fan of traveling right now. There was still no time for a doctor's appointment, but she was sure to squeeze one in around Japan.
"Do you want some breakfast?" Max had called from the kitchen, which caused Joanna to smile softly. Some breakfast sounded great, even though she wasn't sure how much she was able to eat if she was able to eat at all.
"I would love some breakfast," Joanna told him as she came up behind Max and slinging her arms around his middle, watching what he was doing from the side. She wasn't tall enough to watch what he was doing over his shoulder after all.
Excepting that cup of coffee and the yogurt with berries. Joanna slowly started to eat, while Max watched her from across. He seemed worried, his clear turquoise boring into her. God, she hoped their child was having his eyes.
"Can we talk about yesterday?" Max asked after they were almost done with breakfast, which was strange. He wasn't one to talk about feeling if he didn't have to and most of the time he found a reason why he didn't have to or shouldn't.
"Sure, but it's really no big deal. I'm way better now." The Austrian promised, while taken a sip from the now cool coffee, doing her best not to gag. Their child defiantly wasn't a friend of coffee.
"I'm glad. But you scared me. One moment you were happy and smiling and the next you were crying. I'm not used to your mood changing so quickly."
"It's nothing I promise. No need to worry." Joanna said, before getting up to clean her bowl and cup away. Max watched her for a moment until he shook his head and joined her in the kitchen. Watching her as she put the tableware into the dishwasher, before turning around to him and smiling.
"Do you want to relax a little bit in the whirlpool? I still have about two hours before I have to go." Joanna told Max while pulling him against her, her arms easily finding his neck. He allowed her to press a kiss against the tip of his nose before he nodded.
"Sure. Go ahead. I'll get some towels." Joanna watched Max disappear into the bedroom to get some towels from the attached bathroom. She was about to get rid of her, well Max's shirt, as she froze mid-movement. The pregnancy test was hidden behind the towels. God, Joanna hoped Max was as obvious to things laying around like he always was. Still, she couldn't stop herself from running after him and freezing again in the door frame of the bathroom.
Max was standing there, his back turned to her, in one arm a stack of big beach towels and in the other hand the pregnancy test, his head a little bit bend, which told Joanna he saw the result.
"Max?" She whispered fearfully behind him, which caused Max to lower the test and straightened up, before turning around. He wasn't happy, she could see that but she didn't count on him being happy right away. She had hoped for something like surprise but all Joanna saw right now was anger.
"Want to tell me what that is?" the Dutch Red Bull driver asked, his voice dangerously low.
"Actually no, but I'm afraid you will get even angrier if I don't," Joanna muttered while Max threw the towels on the floor, looking at Joanna with a pure lake of understanding or empathy.
"I don't want children, you know that. We talked about it. How could you?" Max accused her, talking past her, before angrily sitting down on their bed, which caused Joanna to turn around to him. Her arms crossed in front of her chest and an angry expression on her otherwise so gentle features which matched Max's.
"How could I? It needs two people to get pregnant, you dick!" Joanna yelled, getting a pillow from their bed only to throw it at Max.
Ignoring her. Max came to the roots of all this. The one thing which really hurt him. "You went behind my back. How long were you going to hide it from me?"
"I wanted to come to terms with things before telling you."
"No, you wanted to make a decision and force me to live with it." the Dutch accused, which caused Joanna to get another pillow to throw at Max, but this time the Dutch was fast to catch it.
"Woman, by god if you throw another pillow I will end you." He threatened her, but Joanna wasn't bothered by Max's threats. He would never hurt her. Not physically at least.
"Then you make the decision. Tell me what you want, so I don't have to worry about whether I'll survive losing another baby or whether I'll manage to raise a child with a guy who's still one himself!" Joanna was back at screaming at Max. Sadly, he had all the pillows right now.
After that, Max kept quiet a few moments in which he let his hands wander over his face. "I'll tell you something Joanna, we're both too young to have a baby. Keeping this baby would be a mistake and it would ruin our whole lives and even worse our careers." He told her, his voice neutral.
"Well, then go. I'm already a two times world champion. ... Go ahead. Leave us. We don't need you. I've managed long enough without you. Having a baby won't change that."
"I'm not going," Max yelled back, running after Joanna, who had left the bedroom. Angry tears freely flowing down her face.
"I won't let you force me into an abortion." She reminded him, which caused the Dutch to stop dead in his tracks. It was true, he didn't want a baby that early, but that didn't mean he would ever force Joanna into an abortion. If she was expecting, they were having a baby, but that didn't mean they shouldn't think all their opinions through.
"That's not what I'm trying to do!" Max told her, a lot calmer now, to show Joanna that he was serious right now.
"Whatever. I don't have time for this. I have a flight to catch." Joanna said, brushing Max's hand off, before leaving the room in order to get to the door. Max was standing in the living room, angrily starring at the picture of the two, which was standing right next to the tv. He could have simply let her go, run away, but in the end, he couldn't. He would never forgive himself.
Muttering an angry 'fuck it' under his breath, Max run after her fast enough to stop her right before she could leave their apartment. Max was fast to sling an arm around Joanna's middle to pull her against his chest and away from the door. Joanna was still crying and fighting Max to let her go, but Max would never do that.
"No, stop. You need to calm down first. I can't allow you to get into a car like that." He muttered against her hair, which caused Joanna's angry cries to turn into heartbreaking sobs. Giving in to Max, Joanna allowed herself to rest against his chest, while the Dutch held her close, doing his best to help her claim down. Holding onto Joanna, Max allowed them to slide down the wall to sit on the floor together.
"I'm sorry," Joanna whispered after a few long moments, which caused Max to pick her up from the floor they were sitting on and carry her over to the couch.
She had no idea why she felt like she needed to apologize, but she did it, nevertheless. Maybe for forcing Max into this situation or for being a complete mess. Other women her age are happy when they are pregnant. They have a plan. A complete future planned out and having a baby was just a step between getting married and building a house. Joanna was different and she always will be.
Opening her eyes again, Joanna was met with Max's. "I'm so scared." She finally admitted, watching as Max's expression changed a few times. It was like watching the wheel of fortune hoping it would stop at something she could live with. In the end, she got nothing, a stone-cold expression.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Max wondered his voice as neutral as his expression. Joanna felt like she was talking with a stone wall.
"I think at first, I was afraid of your reaction. You were in Saint Tropez with your friends when I took the test." She admitted.
"I would have dropped everything to be with you. Why haven't you called me to come home?" Max asked again and Joanna thought about telling him the truth, that she never wanted him to know, that she had planned to leave him, so he could have the life he deserved, but Max would never forgive her for that and in the end, it didn't matter any longer. He knew about their baby, but there were still a lot of things concerning Max, she needed to come clean about.
"I don't know. Now, I'm just so scared that something will go wrong." Max's expression softened, before he pulled Joanna into a hug, kissing the top of her head tenderly.
"We still need to talk about what we're going to do now," Max said, which caused Joanna to look up at him.
"What kind of question is that? We will keep the baby." Joanna stubbornly replied, which caused Max to snort at her.
"My statement still stands. We are not made to raise children, Joanna. We should think about all the options we have." Max told her, which caused anger to flame up in Joanna again, but before she could say something her phone rang.
Picking up the phone, Joanna shortly talked with Kiwi, who asked where she was. Promising that she would be right on her way. Turning to Max again, she didn't quite know what to do, so she told him that they needed to talk about that as soon as they would come back from Malaysia, causing Max to nod.
He moved to see her to the door. Like always, he moved to kiss her goodbye, but Joanna moved her head at the last moment, so Max was kissing her cheek and not her lips.
"We talk as soon as I'm back," Joanna said again before she was gone.
Clenching his firsts, Max moved to close the door, before he went into the living room, to flop down on the couch. Exhaling softly, he leaned back to stare at the ceiling.
Why didn't he notice the signs? She was constantly sick and her mood varied from one moment to the next. He thought it was the stress of the last few weeks and thought nothing more of it. He should have known.