"The lingering question kept me up
2 AM, who do you love?
I wonder 'til I'm wide awake
And now I'm pacing back and forth
Wishing you were at my door
I'd open up and you would say, 'Hey' "
❀
- Jk -
During practice, Jeongguk sat on the corner stool to catch a small break while the instructor taught the rest of the choreography to the others.
November's wintery breath had already clouded the skies, frosting the glass panes, obscuring summer's memory. It had been three months since he had manically run behind the elder one night after seeing him take off. He had honestly thought someone was after them, a monster or an alien lurking in the shadows.
Looking back, it was a hilarious accident.
But accident or not, it had made Jeongguk a little less wary of the elder. Running for one's life did that to a person.
Taehyung was two years elder to him, and while he was overly touchy with people and a little- 'extra' in everything he did, he did seem like a good guy.
Objectively, he was beautiful. Making everyone heads turn kind of beautiful. But he was always in Jeongguk's space. He found Taehyung sitting on his bunk one day. Not that he had a problem with someone sitting on his bunk, but Jeongguk had been asleep and dreamt that his legs got cut off and woke up in fear and bam! Kim Taehyung was on his bunk, propped up on his legs, and playing temple run on his phone.
It felt like ever since Jeongguk shared his ice cream with him, he had taken a free pass for everything else.
But even with the pent-up frustration of someone not respecting his personal space, he couldn't seem to say anything to the elder.
It's not like he didn't want to.
But it didn't seem right.
The music played again, and Jeongguk observed the way Taehyung moved.
He did not move with the same expertise Hoseok did. His legs were firmly rooted into the ground, a bit unsure. Someone could immediately tell he was more of an amateur rather than a seasoned dancer since he used more of his upper torso and hands to express himself and not the entirety of his body. Most of them were. However, his body rolls flowed better than those of most dancers Jeongguk had seen. What Taehyung lacked in dancing, he made up for with his confidence.
Jeongguk noticed he maintained eye contact with himself through the mirror while executing his every move, changing his expression to match the beats of the song. It hardly took Taehyung fifteen minutes to learn the whole choreography, a feat even Hoseok was impressed by.
At 9 pm, Jeongguk was finished with the last vocal lesson for the day. Their nights usually went on till eleven, but today, their choreographer had to leave early. He stretched himself, opening the door to the recording room. He would go back, make some ramen, gulp it down, and sleep.
He found Taehyung sitting on the floor outside, leaning back on the wall. His heart skipped a beat, thinking that he had been waiting for him. Taehyung got up once he spotted him. "I am next," he smiled, dusting off his pants.
Jeongguk hummed, having no idea why he felt disappointed as the elder opened the door. Taehyung paused through the door and turned back with a smile. "Wait for me."
What a ridiculous request.
Jeongguk had been done for the day. He had plans for dinner and sleep.
He was not going to wait around for this guy who looked like he thought Peterpan was real.
Pfft.
He remained rooted to his place outside the room.
He had to leave.
Yet he couldn't bring himself to imagine the elder's eyes looking around for Jeongguk when he came out and not finding him.
Jeongguk sighed and gingerly settled down on the floor outside.
He took out a chocolate bar from his bag and munched on it when he heard it.
His voice.
The maknae was mesmerized by Taehyung's deep tenors.
He leaned his head back while Taehyung's voice ebbed and flowed around him.
After almost an hour, Taehyung stepped out while Jeongguk stood up, picking up his bag. Taehyung's face lit up. "You waited."
He could see the little stars in the elder's eyes, the way his little gasp turned into a smile.
He would always wait, he decided.
Jeongguk nodded and started walking towards the stairs. He felt an arm around him, which made him flinch.
Taehyung lifted his hands up in apology. "Ah, mianhae."
Jeongguk smiled. "No problem."
A part of him wanted the elder's arm around him. Jeongguk had alienated himself from physical touch for too long but in quiet moments when he saw Taehyung leaning his head on Hoseok's shoulder after practice, or Seokjin having an arm around Yoongi explaining him a bad joke, or Namjoon ruffling Taehyung's hair, Jeongguk too, craved it.
Taehyung jumped the last step and landed on the road before turning around to face Jeongguk.
"Say Jeongguka-" he pulled the straps of his bag. "It's Sunday tomorrow."
Jeongguk raised an eyebrow. "I noticed, hyungnim."
"Well, would you-" Taehyung looked away and scratched the back of his head, and if Jeongguk didn't know any better, he could conclude that Taehyung was a little nervous.
It looked cute.
Extraordinarily cute.
"You won't have school."
Jeongguk let out a soft laugh. "You wouldn't have school either, hyung."
"Y-yeah, I mean- aish-" he swatted Jeongguk's shoulder. "You wanna go to the Han River Park tonight?"
"Why?" Jeongguk asked.
Taehyung shrugged. "No reason, just to roam."
Jeongguk considered the answer. He had never gone somewhere just to roam.
Buying groceries, yes. Shopping, yes. Movie, yes. Karaoke, yes. Food, yes. Doing chores, yes.
But just to roam? No.
What did that even include?
He was not going to waste his time with this.
"Sure, hyung."
(His mouth never listened to what his brain had to say.)
Sometime later, Jeongguk found himself at the park. They had stopped at convenience store to pick up snacks, and Taehyung led the way with the packets in each hand.
Taehyung settled down on the bench overlooking the river and putting down the food.
He patted the empty space next to him.
Jeongguk sat down.
"Here," Taehyung smiled, opening a box of gimbap and handing it over to Jeongguk. Taehyung leaned back on the bench and stared at the riverside ahead.
"It's nice, isn't it?"
Jeongguk took a bite and looked around.
Winter had arrived, cold as frozen iron, with frosted leaves and icy drafts that bit at exposed hands. A few couples sat on the benches near them, while children ran around.
The river flowed calmly beneath them.
"It's- peaceful," Jeongguk admitted.
"You seemed like the guy who would like peaceful places." Taehyung's smile was genuine.
"But why are we here?" Jeongguk pursed his lips.
"I told you I would take you somewhere, just you and me, and it was the weekend, so might as well," Taehyung shrugged and popped a piece of gimbap into his mouth.
Jeongguk relaxed into the bench. The sound of the river was calming. He sipped on a cola can.
"Do you have any siblings?" Taehyung asked.
Jeongguk hummed, his elder brother's face coming into mind. "Elder brother."
Taehyung smiled. "That must be cool."
"Cool?" Jeongguk turned to face him. "Having an elder brother is not cool. It's frustrating!"
Taehyung laughed. "Wae? Did he tease you a lot?"
Jeongguk huffed. "He is irritating."
"Do you miss him?"
Jeongguk was slightly taken aback.
He did miss him at times, but it's not like he was going to admit it.
"Maybe."
Taehyung nodded.
"Do you have siblings?" Jeongguk asked back.
"Ah, dae-" Taehyung crossed one foot over the other. "A younger brother and a younger sister."
"Being an older sibling is great, hyung," Jeongguk finished the remaining gimbap. "At least you never get hand me downs."
"I-" Taehyung smiled. "I've lived with my grandparents since I was seven."
Jeongguk did not know what to make of it.
"Haven't had a chance to be around my siblings that much."
"Oh," Jeongguk mumbled. He didn't ask why. "Do you miss them?"
Taehyung let out a bitter smile, his eyes glazing over with a darkness Jeongguk could not gauge. "Terribly."
They sat in silence, munching on dumplings.
"Oh," Taehyung gasped, making Jeongguk pause with the last dumpling halfway to his mouth. He found the elder with his head slanted upwards, with his mouth slightly parted and eyes glistening with curiosity.
Jeongguk followed the elder's eyes, staring at the sky as well, not understanding what was so special happening up there that had Taehyung's undivided attention.
Is there a UFO?
Man, I need to stop watching alien documentaries on YouTube.
A few minutes passed, and Jeongguk would've considered what Taehyung was doing to be a waste of time, but Jeongguk found himself staring at the elder's face instead. It reflected the ambient city lights, showing off his perfect features. From the glint in his eyes to the slope of his nose and his full lips sitting on his angular jaw. Between his other hyungs, he did realise how remarkable they all were, not just by their external features, but with how they carried themselves, but Taehyung's beauty seemed incomparable.
They remained silent, with Jeongguk staring at Taehyung and Taehyung looking up at the sky in wonder as if he could see something more than what Jeongguk saw.
"The moon," Taehyung whispered.
Well, that explained nothing.
"The moon looks so beautiful."
Jeongguk looked up again. The moon was beautiful, sure, but he had never really stopped to admire it. It was just there, waxing and waning, constantly stuck in a cycle around the earth, unchanging. But the way Taehyung looked at it, it felt different. He observed the white orb in the sky with a gleam in his eyes like the moon was the most extraordinary thing he had seen in his life.
Jeongguk looked back and forth between the boy and the moon, a little confused, until Taehyung finally came out of whatever trance he was in, and slightly shook his head.
He picked up a dumpling from his box and put it in Jeongguk's box where one half eaten dumpling remained.
"Here, you can have some of mine, I am really full," Taehyung said with a lopsided grin, picking up his cola can.
Jeongguk thanked him, and Taehyung turned back to face him.
"So Jeongguka," he asked, taking a sip. "If you could, would you be a human with strawberry thoughts or a strawberry with human thoughts?
Jeongguk stared at the elder dumbfounded.
What in the entire world of insanity did he mean by that?
What kind of a question was that?
Was that even a question?
Did it even make sense?
This hyung might be nice, but he was a little... off.
"I- I don't know," which was really an honest answer because Jeongguk, in all his fourteen years of life, never really thought about being a human with strawberry or being a strawberry with human thoughts. Or being a strawberry at all, actually.
"Ah dae-" Taehyung played with the hem of his t-shirt. Jeongguk could tell he was getting a bit flustered, his pupils shook, and his cheeks flushed, but in a snap of a second, the perfect faced facade came back on, complete with the boxy smile. "Okay, so what is your favourite thing to do?" Taehyung's smile reached his eyes, and Jeongguk's doubts took a backseat.
"Play video games-"
"Gamer, eh? Nice," Taehyung grinned. "We could play together sometime."
Jeongguk felt a little warm all over. "That would be nice."
Owls hooted around them as the wind whistled softly, rustling the nearby trees.
"Did you always want to be an idol?" Taehyung asked, looking ahead at a child trying to break free from his parent's grip.
Jeongguk sipped on his cola. "I never really thought about it-" he paused, befire continuing. "Back home, I was pretty decent in arts and sports- so- between those two, I tried my hand at becoming a singer."
"You auditioned for fun?" Taehyung chuckled.
Jeongguk smiled. "Not really, no. It wasn't fun per se, but I wasn't worrying too much about failing in the audition that time."
"I see," Taehyung hummed.
"But now-" Jeongguk let out a deep breath, sagging his shoulders. "Now I am scared."
"Of what?" Taehyung asked.
Jeongguk rarely talked about the inner workings of his mind to anyone but the soft hours of the night, the steady gush of the water nearby, and the gentle voice of his new hyung provided a comfort he hadn't experienced in long.
"Of failing- I guess-" Jeongguk sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "I don't know exactly- I don't want to go back- I want to- debut, but the thought of performing in front of so many people makes me feel like I am about to shit my pants," he laughed nervously, trying to find humour.
Taehyung stared at him intently.
"Why are you scared of performing?"
Jeongguk let out a light laugh. Taehyung's way of approaching problems was so direct it forced one to think of a solution to voice it out. "I don't know hyung," he cleared his throat. "It just scares me."
Taehyung furrowed his eyebrows. "But you are exceptional at singing and dancing, whatever are you afraid of?"
Exceptional.
"Only you seem to think that, hyung," Jeongguk sighed. "But there must be so many others who don't share your opinion."
Jeongguk felt a hand on his knee and looked down. Taehyung's slender fingers held his knee in a reassuring grip.
"It might feel scary right now- but you'll debut, this I am sure of," Taehyung comforted. Jeongguk felt a bit paralyzed by Taehyung's words, he had no clue how to accept words of consolation. He felt... nice? It was probably a bit rude in hindsight, but Jeongguk blinked in response.
"Jeonggukshi, don't worry, you're stronger than you think" Taehyung turned his head into a lopsided grin, and Jeongguk felt his stomach flutter. "You're golden."
Whether was that supposed to be compliment, Jeongguk didn't know, but smiled in return anyway.
"We should get going," Taehyung pulled his hand back and Jeongguk internally frowned, the spot of warmth on his knee chilling quickly against the cold air. A faint impression of where Taehyung's hand had been remained though. It was good, Jeongguk supposed, having someone to talk to.
"No Sundays for us peasants." Taehyung announced, stretching his hands upwards before he stood up.
Jeongguk laughed, getting to his feet and helping Taehyung put all the empty containers and wrappers into a trash bag.
They discarded the trash in a nearby bin and started walking towards the park's exit.
A moment, Jeongguk was walking, the next he was falling. His foot got stuck on a stone, and he fell forward, arms flailing, when he was held back midway. Taehyung held his torso with one hand, his arm with another.
He helped him straighten up. "Hey, you okay?"
Jeongguk was sure he was going to die of embarrassment. He had been trying to play it cool ever since he had met Taehyung, and now what? He had tripped on a stone like a 5 year old child.
What in the ever loving fuck?
Taehyung still had a hold over his wrist, and talked about the time when he too, tripped on a stone in this very park but Jeongguk's mind was a liitle haywired at the moment. Taehyung's hand on his skin felt unsual. The way his slender fingers circled Jeongguk's wrist, he could not stop staring. His hand was warm even in the frosty winds.
"Jeongguka?"
Jeongguk looked up, coming out of his head. "Uh, yeah?"
"You okay?"
Jeongguk pulled back his hand, rather forcefully. He didn't like people touching him and this guy's touch was making his gut turn.
"Yes, all good, let's go."
Taehyung seemed a little concerned but nodded before they continued on their way.
It was almost 1 am when they finally entered the dorm.
They found Namjoon lazing on the bean bag in the living room, a diary in his hands.
"Hey, where have you guys been?" Namjoon asked putting down his pen.
"We went to the riverside park," Taehyung supplied, taking off his jacket.
"With your school friends?"
"Aniya," Taehyung smiled. "With my dorm friend." He winked as he pointed towards Jeongguk with his chin and skipped towards the bedroom.
Namjoon chuckled as the bedroom door clicked shut. "That's nice, did you have fun Jeongguka?"
Fun?
It was hard to categorise, but this was the most peace Jeongguk had felt in years. Being around Taehyung's eccentric self did have Jeongguk questioning the elder's sanity sometimes, but it always silenced the anxious thoughts running on Jeongguk's mind.
Being around this overexcited boy somehow made him feel calm.
Ironic.
Jeongguk nodded, his lips turning into a smile.
"That's good then," Namjoon picked up his diary back again.
Returning to the dorm had Jeongguk facing his tiredness with full force.
His eyes felt heavy.
In the park, he had eaten a sumptuous dinner, and now being the mammal he was, he needed sleep.
Letting out a yawn, he stepped into the bedroom and stopped in his tracks.
Taehyung stood beside the wardrobe, clad only in pyjamas.
Jeongguk immediately looked away from the half-naked man, cheeks heating in surpise. "Uh- mianhae hyung- I was just-"
"What are you sorry for?" Taehyung let out a soft laugh, taking out a T-shirt from the wardrobe, lean cords of muscle shifting just beneath his smooth skin. "Come on in, it's alright."
Except it was not alright.
Nothing about this was alright.
Now, Jeongguk had seen naked men before. It wasn't anything unusual per se. But Taehyung looked like adnois reincarnated and Jeongguk's heart beat like a drum.
Jeongguk averted his eyes and looked at the other bunks. They were empty, which meant Hoseok and Yoongi were still at the practices.
When he heard Taehyung move, he finally looked back. He had clothes on now. Phew.
Jeongguk quickly shuffled to the wardrobe and took out his own clothes from the pile. He had his hands on the bathroom door when he was interrupted.
"Are you going to take a shower?" Taehyung looked at him, slight suspicion in his eyes.
"A-aniya," Jeongguk mumbled. "I'll just change."
"Oh," Taehyung pursed his lips for a moment. "You could change here."
Jeongguk was appalled.
Change here?
In front of him?
Thanks but no thanks.
Jeongguk let out an awkward laugh before he slipped into the washroom and bolted it.
Heaving a loud sigh, he stood in front of the mirror, leaning over the counter top.
He enjoyed Taehyung's company but saying that boy drained him of all his social battery would be putting it lightly. Taehyung constantly tested all of Jeongguk's boundaries. It felt like Jeongguk was trapped in a glass box, and Taehyung kept tapping it from the outside with an ice pick, on all four walls, simultaneously.
He brushed his teeth and washed his face, changing into comfortable clothes before stepping out.
Taehyung was already in his bunk scrolling through his phone.
Jeongguk put his clothes into the laundry hamper, switched off the lights, leaving a night lamp on, and climbed into his own bunk, pulling the covers above him.
He lay straight on his back staring at the ceiling.
"Did you like it?"
Jeongguk closed his eyes in resignation. Never a quiet moment with this guy.
Taehyung was turned to his side to face Jeongguk.
"Like what?"
"The park, I mean."
"It was nice"
"We'll go again someday, some place different," Taehyung mumbled, voice heavy with sleep.
Jeongguk was slightly surprised. "You'll go with me again?"
"Definitely." There were no doubts in Taehyung's voice. "That's what friends are for."
Jeongguk turned to face him.
"Friends, huh?"
"I think we might be," Taehyung grinned, eyes shaped into crescents, putting his folded hands underneath his chin, and Jeongguk couldn't help but mirror the action, tucking his own hands underneath his chin.
Taehyung's smile could thaw ice, a fourteen year old boy never stood a chance.
Jeongguk closed his eyes.
"I think so, too, hyung."