"Why am I running back to the same hands that broke me...?"
– Nautica
❀❀❀
~ D O R O T H Y ~
November 1997
"Beanie," I call out as I step into a horse stable. "Beanie."
An echo of neighs fills the air. With a growing grin on my face, I make my way to the dark brown stallion with a patch of white in the shape of a diamond on his forehead. Once I come into his view, he taps his hooves constantly, excited to see me.
"Beeeeeanie," I squeal, wrapping my arms around his strong neck and pressing my forehead against his. "I missed you. I'm sorry that I didn't come to say goodbye. You must have thought where I was..."
A while later, Beanie happily gallops across the verdant fields while I enjoy the cool breeze. I was not too fond of horse riding during my time here. But when I was in London, where I was deprived of everything that is considered a norm here, I realised how much I took many things for granted here, including horse riding.
From a distance, a figure cladded in a grey hoodie and black trousers is standing underneath a tree. The shade of his hair, together with his body build, gives away his identity. Ignoring his presence, I proceed to ride Beanie, encouraging him to jump over the six obstacles. During the jump over the second last obstacle, a hair clasp from my hair gives way, unleashing my hair to cascade down before being subjected to the wind.
Half an hour later, Beanie becomes tired. Before taking him back to the stables, I direct the handsome stallion towards Damien. He has not moved from the place where I first spotted him. When I near him, I notice that he is holding a white bowl with a spoon inside.
"Damien," I say, stopping the horse.
His blue eyes blink a couple of times, as if he had just woken up. He was probably lost in thought.
"Dorothy," he replies.
"What are you doing here?"
"Eating cereal and enjoying the beautiful view."
"I noticed that you have been watching me for quite a while," I say, crossing my arms.
His hand shoots up to the back of his neck, rubbing it.
"I'm not gonna lie," he says, sheepish. "You are the view."
Typical.
Rolling my eyes, I pat Beanie.
"So... Horse riding," he continues, trying to break the awkward silence between us. "How long have you been doing it for?"
"About five years."
"Do you like it?"
"I love it. Actually, I didn't appreciate horse riding much when I was living here. I love it but I regret not loving it enough. Can you ride a horse?"
"Well, after seeing you, I wish I knew how," he says.
"Do you want to try? Beanie is friendly."
"Beanie?"
"That's his name. So do you want to hop on? I can help you."
"I'm good, thanks. You know, I think this is the first time that we're having a decent conversation," he says with a grin on his face.
That annoying grin...
Like a Cheshire cat's.
It's official. I've made it my life goal to wipe that grin off his face.
"I agree," I say.
"It feels nice."
"Debatable."
And just like that, my goal got accomplished: his grin vanishes, replaced by a frown.
"You just ruined it," he sighs, disappointed.
I smile, genuinely amused. Come to think of it, he's actually quite fun to tease. I narrow my eyes when I see a figure with blonde hair behind Damien sprinting towards us.
"Is that... Nolan?" I ask him.
He follows my line of sight, turning around, and sees the figure dashing towards us.
"Looks like him," he replies, confused.
We hear his screams.
"Help meeeee!"
"Is he ok?" I ask.
"Doesn't look so," he replies, concerned. "Yo Nolan. What happened, man?"
He approaches us, panting.
"I'm... a... chicken... magnet!" he wheezes.
Damien stops, making sure that whatever he just heard was heard correctly.
"Dude, don't you mean chick magnet?" he says.
Nolan shakes his head. From a distance, I hear bawk-bawking. Nolan hears it too as he gets jumps in fear.
"Shit!" he yelps. "They're still onto me. I have to run. NOW!"
True to his word, he runs ahead of us and a flock of eight chickens run after him. Damien looks at me in disbelief with hints of worry.
"Should I be worried?" he asks.
I shrug. Chickens are pretty harmless.
"Nah."
"Oh ok. Sure. That's completely normal," Damien says, his tone dripping with sarcasm.
"I'm sure he'll be alright."
"Ok... So what are you up to today?"
A corner of my lips tugs upwards.
"Tombstoning," I reply, curious to see how he would react to my answer.
Instantly, his eyes widen, his lips part. A whole minute goes by until he composes himself.
"Tombstoning? You got the guts to tombstone?"
"It's exhilarating."
"You really are not like the other girls."
"I've been told many times, yes."
Then, he smiles. A small, yet warm smile.
"Can I join?" he asks.
"Have you ever tried it?"
"No."
"Are you sure about it?"
"Yes."
"Fine."
***
"So don't worry about hitting any rocks or anything. This spot is safe. I've been doing it for years. But I'm warning you, the water will be freezing," I say, escorting Damien to the cliffs.
It's a cloudy day, and there are only a handful of people scattered here and there; a massive contrast to London. We reach the end of a cliff and pull our shoes off.
"Close your eyes and listen," I say.
He complies. We feel the wind, hear splashes from water hitting against the wall of the cliff and the squawks of seagulls. I take a deep breath in. The air tastes fresh. Gosh, I feel so calm and at peace.
"Now open your eyes," I say. "Just making sure one more time, you can swim right?"
"For the tenth time, yes. I can swim," he replies.
He and I changed our outfits back at the hostel. I am wearing clothes that I borrowed from Sister Alexa, while Damien is wearing the outfit he lend me two days ago.
"Let's jump together?" I suggest.
"Sure."
"Are you still sure you want to do this?" I ask one last time.
He gives me a long look, his eyes looking intensely at my own.
"I trust you," he says, catching me off-guard.
Feeling a new sense of responsibility, I lower my gaze, unsure of what I should say to that. Why does he trust me? How does he trust me? He shouldn't give away his trust so easily, so quickly.
He holds onto my hand, grabbing my attention. I look up at his bright blue eyes.
"On the count of three?" he asks, smiling.
I nod slowly.
"One..." he says.
"Two..." I whisper.
"Three!"
And then we both jump.
At first, for an ephemeral moment, it feels like I am flying. Then, a gush of air hits my body, and I feel my stomach flip. The two of us penetrate through the surface of water, and it feels like hundreds of needles are piercing through my entire body.
But I feel alive. Like electricity is shooting through every cell in my body.
I swim up to the surface smoothly, ignoring the benign, uncomfortable feeling. When I poke my head out, I see Damien doing the same. He whips his head from side to side to get the excess water out of his face and hair.
"Damien... You ok?" I yell through the sound of the water splashing and the wind blowing.
"Yes!" he yells back.
I swim back to the shore and he trails behind me. At the shore, I flop onto the ground, panting.
"Exhilarating, wasn't it?" I say.
"You're right! It was! It's like... Man, I can't even describe the feeling. It was out of this world. And you weren't kidding. The water is fucking freezing!"
"Told you."
"Do you get sick?"
"By this? Never."
He drops down to the ground, sitting down next to me. His back was in full view. Feeling cheeky, I grin at my plan.
"But you... uh oh," I say in a scared voice.
"What?" he says, turning his head to look at me.
"You have a massive leach stuck on your back!" I screech, feigning horror.
"What?" he squeals.
I repeat. He SQUEALS. Like a little girl.
He shoots up and reaches for his back.
"It's climbing up your head!" I say, standing up.
"Get it off me! Get it off me! Get it off – wait, I feel nothing."
Not able to contain it any longer, I burst out laughing. Realisation dawns on him.
"Why you!" he says, with an annoyed expression.
Uh oh.
I run away from me, but he chases after me.
"You scream like a little girl with pigtails!" I tease, fuelling the fire.
He finally grabs onto my waist and picks me up, making me squeal.
"Damien, let me go!" I exclaim.
Then he does something that is absolutely horrible.
He begins to tickle me.
Of all things, why did he choose to do that?????
Helpless, I burst out laughing.
"I... Hahahaa... Fine! Hahaha... I-I'm sorry... Y-You win hahaha... Mercy! Mercy!"
Chuckling, he puts me down.
"Oh my god," I breathe out. "That was pure torture."
"You deserved it. I must say though, you're quite fast."
"Years of practice. I used to be chased by the nuns a lot," I say nonchalantly.
"And here I was thinking that I would never hear those words from anyone, especially from a girl."
"Well, like you said a billion times, I'm not like other girls."
"Yes. Like I said."
He brushes a few wet strands of my hair behind my ear. I don't know if it is because of the cold wind or his gentle touches, I shiver.
"Who would have thought that Dorothy Sherman is a little prankster?" he whispers, staring into my eyes, mesmerised.
Clearing my throat, I look away from him, uncomfortable at his close proximity to me.
"It's getting really cold," I say.
"Thank god it is," he whispers without thinking before he is snapped back into reality. "I mean," he clears his throat, stepping away from me. "We should go back."
I frown in confusion. Why is he grateful that it's getting cold...?
Eh... I can't be bothered to investigate. I want hot chocolate.
***
On my quest to get my beloved hot chocolate, I walk along the seemingly endless corridor. I left Damien in his room. He asked me to wait for him but I refused. Why should he be the reason for the delay in getting my hot chocolate?
As I happily stride along, looking forward to consuming the sweet delicacy, I slow down when I hear a weird sound. Like someone is moaning or something. Curious, I follow the source of the sound. I find myself standing outside a utility room. Wait... The sounds do not belong to just one person...
I press my right ear against the door and...
I immediately pale.
Oh for the love of God...
My poor, poor virgin ears.
I decide to leave but my feet are suddenly glued to the floor when the moans morph into words of desperation.
"Harder... Harder!" I hear a feminine voice.
Wait... That voice...
"Oh. My. God," the voice continues to exclaim. "Harder!!!!"
"Fuck, I'm trying!" a deep, gruff voice says.
My eyes widen.
No. No. No. No. I refuse to believe it. I know he is a womaniser, but he can't dare to victimise a St. Anne's student. Right? Right? Riiiight?
"You sure there's no open windo–"
"For the last time, the chickens won't come in here!"
Yeah, I was wrong. So, so wrong. Gosh, the guy has no self-control. I'm not going to lie, he needs help.
And just like that, my appetite fades away. The sweet delicacy that I longed for... now no longer palatable. As I mourn for my loss, I head back to Damien's room, feeling a bit queazy. Of all the places, they decided to do... it in the utility room. I used to go to that room frequently to pick up supplies like broomsticks and mops to carry out my punishments, and now, that room is tainted forever.
I push open the door of Damien's room and barge in.
"Why does Nolan ruin everything?" I huff, beginning my pointless rant.
I flop onto a chair and look up at the ceiling.
"What did he do now?" Damien asks.
"Like all I wanted was hot chocolate. But noooo, he just had to do what he usually does and I just happened to be there. Well, not there there. But still! He is so annoying and disgusting! Thanks to him, I don't feel like having hot chocolate. I just feel weird –"
"Dorothy?" he says, interrupting me.
"What?" I snap.
"As much as I'm enjoying your adorable rant, I need a moment alone."
Furrowing my brows, I lift my head and look at Damien, finally realising that he was only wearing a towel, which is secured dangerously low. His hair is dripping wet, indicating that he just got out of the shower.
"WHY THE HECK ARE YOU NAKED?" I screech, jumping up from my seat.
"I'm not naked–"
I immediately cover my eyes with my hands.
"First my ears, and now my poor, poor virgin eyes! Damien, you idiot!"
I dash out of the room, bumping into a floor lamp in the process due to my limited vision. I slam the door shut behind me and lean against it, removing my hands from my eyes. From the other side, I can hear his chuckles. Annoyance etches my features.
Ugh, how much I hate Damien and Nolan right now.
***
Today is the day Damien and Nolan are taking me back to London. The very thought of going back makes me feel sick with nervousness. How will I face mother? Will everyone at Hampton start calling me by degrading names? Will guys approach me with perverted intentions? God, I feel like I'm going to puke any second.
I step into the corridor, dressed and begrudgingly ready. Coincidentally, Damien enters the corridor at the same time. We look at each other. While he shoots me a friendly smile, I look away, avoiding his gaze. He chuckles softly at my embarrassment.
A while later, I am lying down on the grass, with my head resting on Sister Alexa's lap. She is braiding my long hair while I talk about my concerns regarding my return to London. I have to admit though, I feel a lot better than I did two days ago. I've smiled and laughed and felt mischievous. I finally felt like the old me, the me who had self-control and was carefree.
From a distance, I spot Damien approaching us. When he stands next to us, he has a look of worry in his face.
"I can't find Nolan," he reveals.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"It's been 24 hours. I don't know where he is! Have you seen him anywhere?"
Memories from last night flash in my head.
"...Don't worry. We'll find him."
***
Nuns are rushing frantically across the corridors in both directions. I look at Sister Alexa, who is as confused as me. When she looks at me, she nods her head, understanding. She grabs a hold on one of the sisters and asks her what is going on.
The startled nun whispers in Sister Alexa's ear and, for the first time in years, a mortified look crosses her face.
"May the Lord have mercy," Sister Alexa whispers.
Her fellow nun then dashes away and Sister Alexa looks at me with horror.
"What happened?" I ask, bracing myself for the worst, worried.
She grabs onto my arm and drags me to the side.
"One of the sisters found a... a... May the Lord forgive me. A... A used condom in a bin in the utility room."
"Oh..." I say.
Thankfully, Sister Alexa is too horrified to notice that I am not too shocked.
"Sister Alexa, I have to find Nolan. I'll see you in a bit, ok?"
"Yes, yes. Go, child. Do not spread the word. The students will go astray. Oh Lord, I need to rest. This is just too much for my poor heart. To think such an act was committed in the vicinity of this school..."
While the middle-aged woman turns around to retire in her room, I proceed forward with newfound confidence and a plan. I enter the girls' dormitory room, the very room that I called home for the last seven years. A lot of the girls are chatting with one another, but when they notice me, their voices die down. All pairs of curious eyes are now glued on me.
"Charlotte," I say out loud. "We need to talk."
The tall, dark-haired girl turns around and narrows her eyes at me.
"Why should I talk to the likes of you? You smell," she snubs, her comment making a few girls snigger.
"Where is Nolan?" I demand, ignoring the other girls.
"Nolan? Who is that?" she asks, batting her eyelashes, feigning innocence.
Gosh, how I wish I can just strangle her.
"You know where he is. I know that you know," I push, crossing my arms.
"Just shut up, you little twit!" she bursts. "Talking to you is a waste of breath."
"Oh, but you might want to change your mind," I say calmly.
She frowns.
"And why would I want to do that?"
"I'm not sure if you know but... a nun found something veeeery interesting in the utility ro–"
"Hold it!" she immediately says.
"Step out, then," I order.
With a menacing glare, she complies, and I follow her, leaving behind many confused girls in the dormitory room.
"What is it?" she growls the moment we are out of everyone's earshot.
"The staff found a condom in the utility room's bin. I know Nolan was with you last night. At the utility room."
Her eyes widen for an ephemeral moment before she scoffs.
"Are you accusing me?" she says.
"I know it was you. I regret it immensely but... I heard you."
"You... What? Wow, I thought you were many things, but a pervert? You never cease to disgust me."
She thinks – believes – that her words hurt me. But they really don't.
"No one will believe you," she adds.
"Have you forgotten my reputation around here?" I say, smirking. "I'm sure Principal Georgina is on the hunt as we speak. Now, she may call me a lot of things: Devil, Satan, spawn of Satan, Lucifer. But a liar is not one of them, I assure you."
She purses her lips in fury before she shakes her head.
"...Fine," she says, crossing her arms. "What do you want?"
"Tell me where Nolan is."
"And you swear you won't tell on me?"
"I swear."
"Fine. He's at the chicken coop."
...at the what now?
"Chicken coop?" I parrot.
"Are you deaf? Just stick to your word and leave me alone," she snaps.
"...Gladly."
As I turn around, she suddenly stops me by grabbing onto my arm. I look at her, puzzled.
"Don't feel too good about yourself, Dorothy," she says coldly, her eyes burning in fury. "Have you forgotten Bonnie?"
I freeze, suddenly feeling cold and hollow.
"Poor, sweet, innocent Bonnie," she continues nastily. "She had so many dreams. She was so young."
"You are a horrible human being," I spit at her through gritted teeth.
"And it feels so good," she replies, a wicked smile making its way to her long face.
Disgusted and infuriated by her behaviour and audacity, I snatch my arm from her.
"And you'll regret it."
I then leave her. As I walk along the busy corridor, I try my best to calm down my ragged breaths and pounding heart. My cold and clammy hands tremble while my vision starts to become blurry.
***
"Dorothy, anything?" Damien asks, impatient.
He and I are in his room.
"Let's check the chicken coop," I say, causing him to look at me as if I have grown a second head.
"Why would he be in the chicken coop?" he asks.
I wish I knew. Truly.
"That's one of the few places left to check," I say.
Damien does not need to know how I got this piece of information.
"Ok," he says, although he does not sound too optimistic about it.
When we reach the battered chicken coop, Damien enters it first.
"Nolan! Are you in here?" he yells before his eyes suddenly widen. "NOLAN, what the fuck?"
I catch up to him and look at the view in front of us.
Nolan is sitting down with his legs crossed and eyes closed, surrounded by an army of chickens. One chicken is apparently sitting calmly on his head.
"Hell man! We were looking for you everywhere. Do you have any idea how worried I was?" Damien shouts.
Nolan opens one of his hazel eyes creepily.
"Nolan, what are you doing?" I ask.
"I have found inner peace," Nolan whispers. "I belong to the chickens."
...Wut.
"No bro. You belong in London," Damien corrects him.
"Hush... this is my destiny."
"To be a fucking chicken whisperer?" Damien snaps.
"I accept my fate. I thought the chickens were trying to attack me. But no, they wanted me to be their leader. I had to make one of the toughest decisions of my life; to lead the chickens or to continue my life as a boring mortal in London."
A burst of laughter fills the air. It took me a moment to realise that the series of laughter belong to me. As I hold onto my stomach, laughing my head off, Damien faces me, watching me, amused.
"Nolan, you idiot," I say between laughs. "Just choose both. Just take a chicken with you to London."
His two eyes pop open, as if what I said is the key to cure cancer.
"I can do that?" he exclaims.
"Of course. There are hundreds of them around here. Just take one. No one will notice."
Nolan grabs onto the chicken sitting on his head and pulls it down to his face, staring at it with excitement.
"Hear that Bethany? I can take you with me!" he says.
"You named it Bethany? Right after your grandma?" Damien says in disbelief.
"She will be honoured. It's not everyday you have a chicken named after you," Nolan replies.
"Dude, your grandma is allergic to chickens!"
Nolan chooses to ignore his best friend and looks at me.
"Thank you for your wisdom, Dorothy. I was getting kind of worried about the massive sacrifice I was about to make," he says.
"You're so silly and dramatic, Nolan" I say, very much amused.
I've been hurt way too many times by many people. But for some odd reason, a large part of me is sure that Damien and Nolan are not among those many people. I mean, they came all the way here to St. Anne's to make sure I was fine.
Actually, Damien, yes.
Nolan? Not so much. But he is too naive and carefree to send harm my way.
As I watch them bicker with each other, I am, for the first time in a long while, grateful that I have these two idiots, who helped me feel like the old me again.
*~*~*~*~*
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