Liam’s POV
I let out a long breath, my mind spinning as I settled down in bed. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to rest. Not until I was sure she was okay. I rolled over and closed my eyes trying to convince myself to get to sleep and that the faster I could do so, the sooner I could figure out a way to fix it all.
I opened my eyes again and looked around my dark bedroom, the thoughts and worries clouding my mind and making it feel like someone was trying to suffocate me. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with oxygen that they were having trouble getting. My heart was beating too fast for me to relax as on thought pounded in my mind.
What if it’s already too late?
I tried to ignore it as I wrapped my fists in the duvet and took another deep breath, rolling over once again and staring at the empty space that was beside me. I could remember the time when Danielle used to fill that space every night, cuddling up next to me out hearts beating together as we slept peacefully. Whenever I was away my heart would ache for more of those nights, but now, the thought of them just disgusted me. It was never her I wanted beside me. I wanted so badly to rewind to the night I had fallen asleep with Alex in my arms. That was the one night that I was thinking about since I had gotten back. That was the one night I wanted to relive. That’s what I wanted now.
Her to be here in my arms.
I heard my phone vibrate from the table next to my bed. I rolled my eyes and didn’t even bother to check it. I was sure it was just another text or something from Danielle harassing me about what happened today. She had been texting and calling nonstop telling me that it wasn’t over. It just irritated me. She wasn’t upset or heartbroken or anything that may have made me feel for her, she was just being nasty and rude, sounding more irritated by the break up than hurt. She had been tweeting nasty and angry tweets all day causing fans to get upset and confused which led to them all asking me what had happened. Let’s just say I have avoided twitter and any other social networking site all day.
Ignore it and go to sleep Liam. Tomorrow you have a lot of things to figure out.
And with that thought, slowly but surely, I fell into a very restless sleep.
Alex’s POV
“Come to my house.” Jules begged, tugging on my arm as we walked down the street. I groaned and rolled my eyes.
“Why?” I whined.
“Because I’m not letting you sit home and do nothing on a Friday night, and Niall is going to be on skype at three our time. It’ll be good to talk to him and any of the other guys that may be there. They’re all really worried about you, you know.” She told me.
“I don’t need to sit there and watch you and Niall flirt over a computer screen. I just want to be by myself.” I told her biting my lip. I subconsciously looked down at my arm and tugged at my sleeve.
“No. You’re coming to my house. Even if it is for a little while. Being alone is just making you feel worse.” She argued and dragged me down the street at a faster pace. I let out a defeated sigh. There was no point.
“So things with you and Niall going good?” I asked dully, just wanting to break the silence that had fallen over us.
“It’s only been a week, but yeah.” She said, her cheeks tinting red. “He’s gotten the time difference down so I he texts me before school every morning just to say good morning and to have a great day. And whenever he can find the time to call or skype he is and he’s complimenting me all the time and honestly he’s just… completely perfect.” She said dreamily. I smiled at her, really happy for my friend.
“When do you plan on releasing the fact that Niall Horan is off the market to the fans?” I asked her.
She shrugged a bit. “I don’t know.” She said. “I’m still having trouble believing it myself. And he’s mine.” She smiled looking like she had just won the lottery. “We’re just going to wait and see how it goes because of the long distance and everything. We’re not rushing into going public and adding on more pressure onto the relationship.” She explained and paused before speaking up again. “I’m so freaking lucky.”
“You are.” I nodded in agreement, my eyes darting down to the cement underneath my feet as we walked. “You really are.”
I could tell she immediately started to feel bad for me when she realized that she had gotten the guy of her dreams and I was nothing but a broken mess.
I never told anyone that I had slept with Liam. Not even Jules. They didn’t need to know. It was my fault. My problem.
“You know Chester Daniels just broke up with his girlfriend.” Jules said and nudged my arm, giving me a smirk. “You should come up with a way to get his attention.” She suggested. I just rolled my eyes as she brought up the older guy.
“He will never go for me.” I said flatly.
“Don’t let what Liam did to you make you think like that. You are a much better catch than his ex. He’d be lucky to have you.” She told me. I shook my head.
“This has nothing to do with Liam. It’s just the plain old truth.” I said.
“No it’s not.” She went back at me firmly.
“Yes it is.”
“No.”
“Yes.” I snapped sending her a glare. It was the truth. I was worthless and no guy wants that. Jules let out a defeated sigh and shook her head, her gaze dropping to her feet.
“I know you were always insecure,” Jules started, “but you were never this bad. It’s pure shit to tell me that Liam had nothing to do with this.”
“Just drop it Jules.” I told her, letting out a long breath. She took the hint and it fell silent again as we completed our journey from the school to her house.
“I’m going to go turn the computer on. You can go grab something to eat if you want.” She said immediately making a break for her room with the desktop inside of it. I nodded, knowing exactly where everything was in this house as this place had become my fourth home in the past year.
My second home? That was my Dad’s place.
My third home? Maddi’s house.
I spend more time at her house than at my own when she was alive.
I felt my heart sink a bit at the thoughts of my friend as I went into Jules’s kitchen and grabbed a bag of cheese balls, because they’re awesome, and two glasses with soda. Yup, Friday afternoon, time to pig out.
I made my way upset to hear Jules already talking to someone. I walked into the room and tossed my bag onto her bed and placed the glasses of soda down on her desk by the computer, pulling up the other chair and sitting down.
“ALLEEEEXX!!!” I heard Niall yell excitedly. I peaked up and looked at the camera to see a very happy looking Niall looking at us through the screen.
“What’s up Nialler?” I asked with a small smile and waved at him.
“’What’s up’? You’ve like fallen off the face of the Earth and you ask me ‘what’s up’?” he asked.
“I haven’t fallen off the face of the Earth, I’m right here.” I told him, forcing a laugh. He shot me a look.
“We miss you.” He said honestly and sweetly. “Both of you.” he extended the statement to Jules.
“We miss you all too.” We both said at the same time.
“So much.” Jules added on, staring at her boyfriend with an admiring gaze. He shifted his gaze and I knew he was looking at Jules on his screen and a smile spread across his face. Aww, cute Jiall moment.
“So how was your day loves?” Niall asked, shifting his laptop and leaning over out of the camera’s view. When he leaned back in he was holding a bag of chips in his hand.
“Babe,” Jules said, raising her eyebrow at him.
“Hmm?” he questioned as he plopped a few chips in his mouth. Jules picked up her phone and looked at it as if checking something.
“You texted me a half an hour ago saying you were about to eat dinner.” She giggled, holding her phone up to the camera.
“Yeah?” he said with a shrug. We both exchanged a look.
“You know this was a stupid question to start with right?” I asked her raising my eyebrow. She rolled her eyes and nodded.
“I know.” She nodded before turning around to make more conversation with her boyfriend. I remained quiet most of the time, just watching them flirt and blush at each other’s compliments. I had to admit, it was pretty damn adorable.
I knew Jules was trying to get me to speak, but I didn’t want to talk much. I felt like I was interrupting.
“Oh Jules!” We heard a voice come from down the stairs and a door slam. I looked at my friend and she looked a bit irritated. It was her brother.
“What do you want from my life?! She yelled, cutting Niall off from speaking. I just motioned for him to be quiet for a sec so she could hear what her brother was saying.
“When’s Mom getting home?” he questioned walking into the room. There was a bit of a smirk on his face when someone else entered behind him. I felt my heart skip a beat in surprise.
Chester.
Jules and I exchanged another brief glance in complete dismay. Sure Tom was kind of friends with Chester, but not that close. Why was he here?
We both could see the look Tom was giving us as he knew we had crushes on Chester. He did this on purpose.
That dick face.
“Uh… I’m not s-sure.” Jules stuttered. “Hi Chester.” She added on at the end, giving him a wave so he knew she hadn’t completely ignored him. I heard coughing coming from the computer speakers. I turned to see Niall choking a bit on one of his chips, a shocked and irritated look on his face.
“Hi Jules. Hi…” he started, giving me a confused look, not knowing my name. I swallowed the lump in my throat.
“Alex.” I finished for him.
“Alex.” He repeated with a polite smile on his face.
“Jules, who are you guys talking to?” Tom asked, walking over to the screen. Chester followed a bit hesitantly.
“Niall.” Jules shrugged, pointing to the screen. Niall saw Jules’s brother appear and he waved. I could immediately see his eyes narrow however when Chester appeared on the screen.
“Wait, aren’t you that guy from One Direction?” Chester asked, clearly up to date on all things One Direction. I smirked at the thought.
“Yeah,” Jules said proudly, smiling up at the boy behind her. I heard Niall let out another cough. It sounded fake.
“He’s your friend, Jules?” he asked slightly wide eyed.
“Boyfriend.” Niall corrected roughly. Jules and I turned to the camera sharply. I thought they were keeping that a secret?!
“Really?” he asked, eyeing Jules a bit.
“Yes, really.” Niall went back harshly. Jules turned and sent him a glare, looking a bit embarrassed.
“That’s good. I hope things work out for you both.” He said with a small smile before Tom told him they could leave and they went off to go do something else.
“So do I so back off.” Niall growled to himself, but I heard him. I couldn’t contain my smile. First off, I had just spoken to Chester. Life = Made. Secondly, Niall was completely and utterly jealous. I thought I could see the steam coming out of his ears.
“Someone is a jealous little leprechaun!” I cheered happily. Jules and Niall both looked at me and I could see Jules’s cheeks redden at the thought of his jealousy.
“I don’t like him.” Niall growled.
“Stop, that’s the longest conversation I’ve had with the kid and you ruined it.” Jules pouted.
“Good.” He said.
Oh the jealousy… I’m enjoying this more than I should.
***
I stared at my arm, watching the small amount of blood I had just set free slide down my arm slowly. I looked above it at the other puffy red line that was now scabbing over.
I swallowed hard and wiped the blood away, taking the little razor I had used and shoving it back into my drawer under a bunch of notebooks.
This was only the second time I had done this to myself, the first being last night. Two cuts. Perfectly straight cuts running across my forearm.
I felt a small tear escape my eyes as the bleeding stopped and I wiped my arm again and pulled my sleeve down. I never thought I’d be the one to do something like this to myself. I was always that person that knew that self harming just made everything worse and that suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But it had all become too much. I was curious I guess. It gave relief to so many people. There had to be a reason they did it.
The pain wasn’t what I craved though, as everyone always said it was. I wasn’t looking to make my pain physical in order to get my mind off of what I was feeling on the inside. That was just a side affect I tried to ignore. I guess just watching the blood fall and seeing the cuts and lasting scars as a reminder that I wasn’t good enough and the pain was there, that I was searching for. To be honest, I don’t know what it was. But there was something in it that made me… like it.
I walked over to my bed and laid down. My time with Jules today was fun, and I guess talking to her and Niall got my mind off of things for a while. But nothing can change the fact that I’m empty on the inside.
Nothing and no one but Liam.
And that’s a pathetic thought.
It was currently a quarter to nine at night and I was getting tired. What a wimp I was, wanting to fall asleep before nine on a Friday night.
Oh well. Not like I really cared. I haven’t slept at all recently, in case you hadn’t noticed.
“Alex?” I heard my mother yell. I stifled a groan. Please, just leave me alone mother.
“Yes?” I asked her.
She walked into my room and started to yell at me for something. I wasn’t really paying attention to what it was. I was just staring at the ceiling, making friends with shadows on my wall. (Okay, song reference, sorry. I’m done now,) but it was the truth. I was staring blankly up at it, letting her words pass through my ears, triggering tears to well in my eyes. I felt my fresh cut tingle as the pain on the inside grew more as if something was telling me that this meant I deserved another cut.
But I couldn’t do that. I had promised myself only one a night.
I couldn’t let this get out of hand.
I wouldn’t let this get out of hand.
But it already had.
“You aren’t even listening. Sometimes you are such a selfish bitch I can’t even stand you. You should just go live with your father and stay there. Maybe he can put up with you, because I’m done with dealing with your bitchy attitude and lack of respect every day.” She snapped.
I didn’t even respond as she stomped out of the room. I just continued looking up as the tears dripped out of my eyes and landed on the covers to my bed.
Not even my own mother wanted me.
And people tell me that I’m important and special? People tell me that I have a use in this world?
When your own mother is telling you that she doesn’t want to deal with you anymore, that normally means no one does. I mean your Mom is the one person who’s supposed to love you even if you a serial killer. And she doesn’t even love me.
Talk about hate. Talk about feeling low.
I rose to my feet slowly and walked over to the drawer I had shoved the blade into a matter of minutes ago. I dug it out and picked it up with shaky fingers.
Slowly, I rolled up my sleeve and dragged the edge across my skin, pressing harder than I wanted to. I watched more blood trickle slowly out and my tears land on the wound, mixing with the thick red liquid.
This is what I’ve become.
I fell to my knees and put my head in my hand, the blade falling out onto the floor letting out sobs. No one came to ask if I was okay. No one cared.
I sat there crying for a little bit, unsure of what to do. To be completely honest, I seriously thought over ways to just make this stop.
For good.
After a few minutes I looked over at the time and realized I had been on the floor balling like a baby for ten minutes. I picked myself up off the ground. I couldn’t end it all tonight. I was to weak right now. I didn’t have the fucking balls. One more night and then maybe, I’ll finally put my foot down.
No one will be able to walk all over me because I’ll be gone. Then maybe they’d regret everything.
You see, you are selfish thinking like that. I reprimanded myself. I shook my head, and pulled my sleeve down, not caring if there was blood on my arm or if it was still bleeding. I just don’t care.
I turned off the light and climbed into bed. I squeezed my pillow tightly in my hand, trying to force myself to forget the pain.
But I couldn’t.
Not now.
Not ever.
I jumped when I heard a noise coming from my window. I froze and looked around the dark room. What was that?
I tried to convince myself that it was a tree branch, but there was no tree close to this window. I swallowed the lump in my throat when I heard another tap on the glass.
Okay I’m definitely not imagining that.
I had the urge to see what it was, even though I was terrified. What could it be?
Not that it mattered if I got hurt. That’s what I was looking for anyway. To hurt myself.
“Hello?” I croaked out weakly, even though they probably couldn’t hear me, whoever or whatever it was. I could barely hear myself. “Who’s there?” I called a bit louder. I stopped right in front of the window and waited. Nothing. I swear I saw a shadow move though, causing my heart to beat faster. I really wanted to know what could be up here. I mean I was on the second floor, and yeah there was a roof outside my window that you could stand on, but how would whatever it was get up here and why?
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, letting out a deep breath before ripping my curtains away from the window and looking outside.
I swear my heart stopped beating.
The air got caught in my throat and my stomach churned.
This wasn’t real.
How?
Why?
What?!
What was he doing on my roof?
I took a breath, and tried to compose my thoughts before I spluttered out the only thing I could think to say.
“L-Liam?”
Okay so the ending was kind of rushed. I really wanted to update. I don't think the content of the chapter was bad, just the way it was written. I feel like I could have described it better.
The Chester thing wasn't planned, just a bonus cuz it made me kind off laugh and I wanted to show off how protective Niall is of Jules.
The Jiall feels... *dead*
SO CLIFFHANGER!!!! YOU ALL READY TO KILL ME YET?!?! This chapter turned out to be filler. So sorry if you didn't get the answers you were looking for yet. You will get em eventually. Promise.
I'm thinking around four chapters left, somewhere in that area, but don't hold me to it.
That's including an epilogue btw.
OKAY, SO ENJOY!!!
BTW, song on the side bar is the song that the reference I made is from. one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE SONGS BY MY FAVORITE BAND!!! LISTEN TO IT! IT DESCRIBES MY LIFE! THEME SONG? I THINK SO!!!
K THANKS :D
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