Click ⭐ to vote
// trigger warning //
violence, blood, and bullying are some topics mentioned in this chapter. reader discretion is advised.
════════════════════════
Iris
"Congrats, Iris!"
I smile, saying a thank you, as I walk past other students to reach my locker.
"So, about this Ray Chase?" Tom joins me from my right while Alyssa comes from my left, giving me a smug expression.
"Ray Chase. Blonde hair, grey eyes. From Virginia. Attends an all-boys school. Looks cute. Bonus point: likes Basketball, according to his Instagram and Twitter," Alyssa says, shrugging. "Mind giving me his digits?"
"You Instagram and Twitter stalked the guy?" I ask her, shocked. Tom laughs beside me.
"After you posted the team picture with 'The Arrowhead', the only person she looked at was Ray," he tells me, grinning at Alyssa.
"I am not even surprised," I mumble.
After our talk with the DEU scout, Raymond asked me again for a coffee but I made it a team thing by telling everyone Raymond is treating us (oh, he was hurt since he kept on reminding me that). He had no choice but to get his teammates with us—who are really cool. Both of the teams had a great time together except Raymond kept on calling me as his first possible friend from college.
"You actually made it easy for me. You tagged him." Alyssa wraps her arm around me, showing me a picture of Ray on her phone. "He is just my type."
"You don't have a type, Aly," I tell her. "And, also, Raymond is annoying as hell."
"On a scale—?"
"Nine."
"That's less than 10. So, I will be okay."
Tom clicks his tongue and looks at her, saying, "Aly, you don't need a guy to feel—"
"I know you are looking out for me—"
"I am not looking out for you. You are pretty much capable of doing that yourself," Tom tells her, giving her a pointed look.
Alyssa frowns. "What do you—?"
Adi pops out from our back, breathless, and says, "Hey... guys! Milady, congrats."
Alyssa assesses him. "Your shirt's inside out, Mister."
As we reach my locker, Adi fumbles and says, "Yeah... yeah... this... this is the latest fashion. I read it in a magazine."
"Which one? The Raunchy and Erotic?" Alyssa scoffs. I let out a laugh, opening my locker, and take out some of my books.
"It's morning wood," Tom says, laughing, and pats Adi's shoulder. Adi mumbles, saying something about how natural it is.
Alyssa and I give Tom a strange look and I ask, "What's that supposed to mean?"
Tom looks at both of us and his amused expression changes to 'oops, awkward'. He says, "That means we have to change the topic. So, Iris, DEU. How did it go?"
"Oh! Congrats, Iris!" Adi hugs me, tightly.
"Thanks, Adi, even though you have told me that about some ten times," I say to him as we pull away. I look at Tom and reply, "It was good. Really good. We just have to go through an interview for official purposes. You know, the usual."
"Honestly? No, I don't." Tom shrugs. "But I am happy for ya."
"And people wonder why are we so different," Alyssa says, rolling her eyes.
"Anyway, we should go to class, now," Tom says, gesturing between him and Alyssa.
"See you, guys, later." Alyssa gives me a pleading look to which I give back a pointed look. "Okay, fine. See you at lunch."
"You said we?" Adi asks me, looking at me.
"About what?" I ask, holding the bag properly on my shoulder.
"Interview?"
"Oh, Raymond and Me. We both applied to DEU."
"Dancer, too?" Adi asks, too innocently.
"Yeah. His team was the first runner-up," I say to him, unsure.
"Potential boyfriend?"
"No," I answer him, without hesitation or beat. "That's not going to happen." Adi has an appraising look in his eyes as he looks back at me. "Why did you—?"
"Okay, here goes nothing." Adi holds me by my shoulders and lets out a breath.
I try to stop him because I know where this goes. "Adi—"
"Just reminding you to act sooner otherwise... Life is a bastard, what they say."
I blink in confusion but he just nods and walks away.
"Who the hell are they?"
***
I reach downstairs, ready to go out when I look at the living room. Asleep, Mom is cuddling against Dad's chest as Dad is watching some movie on the television – but it looks he is watching Mom, mostly. As if hearing my steps, Dad looks up and I want to hug him at how sleep-deprived he looks.
"Seems like you both had a hectic day. Dad, both of you should go to bed and sleep," I whisper to him.
"Probably" Dad yawns. "But where are you going?"
"Nick and I are going to hang out."
Before lunch, Nick complained about how he and I have not gone out in a long while and how Alyssa sucks as a wing woman because she keeps complaining about men in general. With all his unnecessary groaning, he persuaded me to hang out today—that idiot, I swear.
"Of course." Dad yawns again.
"Dad, go to bed," I tell him.
He ignores. "Take the keys—"
"Dad, listen to—" I say back, just when I get Nick's message that he is here.
He notices and waves me off. "Go and have fun."
"But—"
"Iry, dear sugar cube, don't worry about us."
I grumble, "Don't complain about your back pain, later." He rolls his eyes and leans against the couch, switching off the TV. "Fine, ignore your caring and adorable daughter."
"Thanks for the permission," He mumbles.
I groan, knowing he is too stubborn. "Bye, dad!"
It is afternoon but it feels like an evening with some black clouds hovering around the sky and winds breezing through.
Since it looks like it is going to rain and also it is a bit cold, I am wearing grey sweatpants with neon green lining and a maroon oversized sweater over my black tank top paired with my converse.
I am team comfort today—wait, I am team comfort every day.
When I see Nick's jeep on the driveway, I start to laugh. Nick notices this and asks, "What?"
He opens the door for me and I lift myself to sit. I reply, putting on the seat belt, "You are amazing. You remembered that I love your jeep."
He answers, smugly, "Everyone loves my jeep." He starts the jeep. "Honestly? It is my wing-car."
"You are so single," I state.
Nick scowls. "That's an insult."
"No, it is not. Also, if I wasn't gay—at best biromantic, I would have totally dated you." I laugh. "What? I am serious."
"Shut up, Nick."
"So, where should we go?" Nick asks me, taking a turn out of my neighborhood.
"I don't—" Just now, my phone beeps with a message. I look down at it and smile. "Actually, I do have a place in mind."
***
"Hey, idiot."
Tanner turns to me, sighing, and gives me his usual smile. He was taking out trash from the back door when I walk into the alley, glaring at him.
"I sent you kitten videos just some—"
"Six minutes and five seconds ago," I state, rolling my eyes. "And why do you think I would like kitten videos? At least that meme—"
"See, you count time and I am taking out the trash. Nothing much has changed." He shrugs, still smiling.
I give him a dry look. "We met last Wednesday, idiot. Why would you think I changed?"
"Hey, 1D literally sang just how fast the night changes."
"Hey, they also said that it will never change me and you."
Tanner coos, "Aw."
I shake my head, smiling too. "Idiot."
"I know." He laughs.
Tanner and I have been meeting almost every lunch, after the birthday incident. I think I needed some space to cool my mind from all the overthinking and Noah too.
Tanner breaks my thoughts as he asks, "So, what brings you here?"
When I see Nick coming back from parking his car, I start, "To play a game."
Tanner cocks his head. "A game?"
"Yup and it is called..." I turn Tanner towards Nick. "Have you met—?"
Nick says, surprised, "Tanner Hood?"
"Nicholas Wills?" Tanner grins. "I would be damned."
I mutter, "Oh, I didn't know you knew the game."
Both of them ignore me. Nick says to Tanner, "It is Nick."
Tanner replies, "I always liked Nicholas more than Nick."
"Why so?" Nick raises an eyebrow.
Tanner smirks and replies, "It is posh like you."
"You are nowhere near tan and yet your name's Tanner?"
"Yeah, because I've got a hood." Tanner hums. "I think I have heard that." Nick runs his tongue inside of his cheek while Tanner smirks, winningly. "What? Tongue-tied, are we? No comment like last time?"
"Last time?" I ask, looking between them. They both turn to me as if realizing now that I'm standing right here.
Nick rubs his ear. "We met in a college seminar, two weeks ago. Tanner had a lot to say."
"And you had a lot to... what was that word you used?" Tanner pretends to ponder. "Yeah, disagree to."
"I still stand by what I said," Nick says, firmly.
"Never said you shouldn't."
"It was a mess."
"It was our mess," Tanner murmurs, looking at Nick.
"What?" I ask, looking at him and grinning.
"What?" Nick asks, looking between me and Tanner.
"What?" Tanner asks me, innocently.
I purse my lips, trying not to smile anymore. "Nick, you are hungry, right?"
"What fo—oh, yeah." I am not sure but I think I just saw him blush. "Should we go over to tha—?"
Tanner leans on the back door, looking at us, and says, "It is a slow hour. Both of you can come in."
"Great." I grin, excitedly. "Nick, let's go!"
Tanner is right; it is a slow hour. Barely three tables, including hours, are occupied and, even though some unnecessary memories of the blind date, I really like how peaceful and aromatic the surrounding is.
Honestly, I am just noticing this because Nick is silent as hell and it is unnerving.
"Nick?"
His eyes spring to mine. "Yeah?"
"You're really silent."
"Am I?" His eyes again flicker behind me. I turn my head, slightly, to see Tanner talking to someone.
I smile, widely, turning to him. "Nicholas Wills, you dog."
"Iris Cooper, don't you even think—"
Tanner interrupts him, standing near our table with a notepad and pen in his hands. "So, have you guys decided something... or is Nick giving his expert opinion on something?"
"Are you naturally this much of a pain or do you try?" Nick says back, narrowing his eyes at him.
"You decide," He replies, grinning. "I mean food, of course."
Nick snorts, before giving him our order.
"You are a cook, right?" I ask Tanner, just before he goes back.
"I am but I do waiter sometimes, too."
"Cool." I glance at Nick, before calling out Tanner, again. "Hood, are you free after?"
"Depends on what you plan, Cooper," he says back, smiling.
"Oh, does it?"
He turns away from us and says, walking, "Yes, okay, I am free."
I turn only to find Nick raising an eyebrow. "You planning something, Iris?"
"Nope," I say, popping the p.
***
"Show me, Tanner. It might just not be a small wound," Nick says, holding out his hand towards Tanner.
"It is okay, Nicholas," Tanner says, eyeing Nick.
"A small wound can lead to big infections," Nick says back, concerned.
"Nothing a bit of medicine won't cure," Tanner waves it off.
"Like hell, there are almost—"
"Nick." He groans.
"Tanner, just show me—"
"You both do know that you are talking about the soft toy," I interrupt, pointing towards the unicorn soft toy they both are holding.
Damn, the anti-climax in this.
Nick and Tanner look down at the soft toy which has a small slit.
We all went to a small make-your-own-fluffy workshop, near the restaurant. The whole time Nick and Tanner were arguing and then, flirting and then, arguing—actually, there is no between.
Nick clears his throat and says to me, "An injury is an injury. I am not gonna judge based on its living characteristics."
"You could've just said if it living or not," Tanner says back as I was about to point out the same thing.
"Why?" Nick blinks. "What I said sounded more amazing than yours."
"Sometimes I wonder why the fuck we never met after the seminar," Tanner replies. "And you just told me why."
"I am offended."
"That is definitely not the word to describe what you are."
"Then, pray, tell me what is?"
Tanner smirks and literally checks him out, pursing his lips. "Hmm, do you really want to know?"
"Shoot it out," Nick says, slowing, as he pinches his nose, trying not to smile.
"It might kill you."
"Does it matter?" Nick asks, raising an eyebrow.
"To me? Probably." Tanner grins but looks as serious as hell.
Nick opens his mouth but then, closes it. He looks at him while Tanner smiles, unapologetically.
Just then, I—the girl who brought them here but they have forgotten about, again—sneeze that both of them snap their eyes to me.
"Excuse me?" I say, smiling, innocently.
"Let's get out of here," Nick mumbles, walking off.
Tanner and I look at each other, smugly.
"He likes you," I say, simultaneously, as Tanner says, "He likes me."
"You both coming or what?" Nick asks us, really frustrated, as he walks away towards his jeep.
"So, Tanner?" I look up at him and he looks down at me, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, Iris?"
"I don't know if I am crossing a line or something... I just wanted to know...something." I look away, still indecisive about asking him or not.
"Ask away."
"It's about—"
A fist hits Tanner, right on his jaw.
The hard sound of the collision rips apart all other sound waves in the empty parking lot. It would have taken three point nine five seconds for Tanner to fall, holding his face and groaning, if strong hands hadn't held him up by the collar of his shirt and pushed him back at the wall.
"You."
Shocked to hear the voice, I look up, and... my heart is in my throat. I can recognize him anywhere, even in a loud and crowded club—I will always recognize him.
Unfortunately, I don't know who is in front of me, right now.
Noah is looking right at Tanner—cross that, he is glaring, sending daggers, fire-balls, at Tanner. His posture is stiff, fists curling around the hold on the collar and red lines ticking faster by second on his neck—he is furious.
"You, gutless, spineless fucking bastard!" Noah calls out, slowly and tightly.
Every hair on my back and arms stands up from the rage he is breathing out, right now. I gulp, not understanding what is happening.
"It was you." Noah breathes out. "You..." He starts to speak in Italian, angrily. His eyes have darkened by infinite times with anger and aggression and a whirling storm of pain and sadness.
"You ruined everything. Every-fucking-thing."
Tanner looks up at him and instead of being angry, I see sadness creeping into his eyes. He replies, "Noah, I am sorry but I didn't know—"
"Don't you dare say sorry!" Noah growls, pushing him back harder onto the wall, and Tanner grunts. "You knew. You fucking knew but, cazzo, you..."
"I am not lying!" Tanner shouts back. "I didn't know, okay? If I did, I would have..." He sighs, closing his eyes.
"Would have, what?" Tanner flinches at Noah's voice. "I thought of you as a friend. A fucking friend, Tanner Hood, and look what you did."
Tanner looks down. "I am sorry."
"You did it. You... you ruined it." Noah looks breathless but still full of a tempest in his eyes. "You are the one who should be blamed for it... you cost me my..." He looks away.
"Noah, I didn't know. Trust me—"
"Trust?" Noah lets out a dry laugh. "I don't trust you! You are in some bullshit to think I will after what you did."
"I am sorry but it wasn't—"
"Don't say sorry." Noah swings his fist and hits Tanner, again. Tanner groans and falls on the pavement.
"Don't you fucking say sorry." In a flash, Noah starts kicking him, punching and cursing him while Tanner tries to fight back.
"You—" hit. "—did—" hit. "—it."
"Stop!"
I know it is Nick as I can see, from the periphery of my vision, him rushing towards the pair, trying to push back Noah. But he doesn't stop; he keeps on coming back to Tanner.
I just look at Noah and I can't move.
I...I just can't.
I think my mind and my heart are not even working anymore. I don't know what to think, what to feel or how to react.
Then, he pushes back Nick and—
"Noah, stop!" I yell, standing in front of Noah. Behind me, I know Nick is rushing towards Tanner who is coughing loudly but I look at Noah.
He has stopped and is looking at me in surprise. His fists are still in the air and, looking at them, the replay of what happened starts in my mind.
I had seen never him fight, before, though I knew—he told me that he can fight. But this... this was an epitome of something caused and bruised into his blood and skin.
His amber eyes were so cold yet like a scorching fire. Every punch he threw, every kick was with such force that I couldn't help but flinch and back away from the scene. He was so driven by anger that...
Every part of me wants to scream but it never reaches my mouth. I want to cry but I feel my tears have dried up.
As if sensing it, Noah lowers his fist on the wall and leans on it. He lets out heavy breaths, closing his eyes. When he finally opens his eyes, he looks down and I realize my hand is on his chest—which is shaking like hell.
He tries to move away but I grab a fist of his shirt, telling him to stay put. He again closes his eyes and leans his head against the wall.
I turn towards Tanner and he is bleeding—Oh god.
I say, "Nick, please take him to hospital—"
"N-no hospital..." Tanner spits out blood from his mouth.
Nick looks at him like he might kill him before actually, saving him. "You are getting your ass into a hospital and we're gonna take a look at those injuries."
Then, I hear Noah say, "No hospitals. Tanner has a bad case of Nosocomephobia—fear of hospitals."
Nick's blue eyes turn towards Noah, furiously, as he picks up Tanner into his arms. "Don't you say anything, Radcliffe. We are gonna have a long talk, afterward."
Nick asks me as he starts to walk, "Iris, you coming?"
Now, I look back at Noah. His face is void of any emotion or movement as he looks back into my eyes.
I reply to Nick, "You go. I...I will take a ride with Noah."
***
I do not know where we are headed to but our feelings are definitely somewhere on the high road. Noah doesn't utter a word to me, neither do I. The only difference is that I try to say something but he doesn't.
When Noah stops somewhere, I don't move. I stay in my seat, fidgeting with my hands, trying to hide the fact they were shaking minutes ago.
I sigh against the backrest of the seat, closing my eyes tightly and mentally preparing for what's to come next. The silence between us is so loud that if I don't break it, I may not hear him anymore.
"Noah—"
"Why?" He questions me, "Why were you with—out of everyone—him?"
"Tanner is my friend, Noah," I tell him. "Why can't I be with him?"
"Because—" He pushes back his hair, exasperated. "I..."
"I know you can fight but that—that was..." I look down at my hands. "That was really, really bad, Noah. Gosh, Noah, you—you almost—you could've—"
I realize I was scared, then. Not of him but his rage. I am scared of that rage.
"You hurt him, Noah. Really bad. But I know—I think I know you had a reason for the way you reacted. But there was no reason for beating the crap out of him! Noah, I..."
His jaws are clenched and he is holding the steering wheel, forcefully.
"I...I don't know what's the deal with you and Tanner. I don't and... I don't want to know from someone else, just from you...And if you are not ready to talk, it is fine—totally fine. I know you have a complicated past and you—"
"You don't know anything," Noah whispers, still not looking at me. "You don't know me."
That—that line hits home.
That hit right into my skin, my body, my heart... and my stupid naïve soul.
Looking up at him, I feel it—I can feel the way Noah is slowly building up his walls, blocking me off from him. He is slipping away and if I don't hold him now, I won't ever.
I let out a breath and look at him. "You wanna know why exactly I told us to stop? Because if we had got together then, it would have been bad—really bad. Because both of us thought that we weren't perfect for each other and that's what made us both miserable. You were unhappy and you couldn't see me unhappy but you didn't realize that it was the same for me. I cannot see you hurt, Noah."
I look straight at him. "Because you are important to me."
Noah stills and, slowly, turns to look at me with surprise in his expression.
"Noah, you are important to me. You are as important as oxygen to me."
I take his hand from his steering wheel and place it on my chest, almost making my heart burst out of the cage. Noah takes a sharp intake of breath but doesn't break his eye contact with me.
"Do you feel my heart, Noah? It is beating some thousands beats per second for you. You think I don't know you? You are wrong. I know you, Noah. I don't know about your past but I know you." I wrap my hand around his as I keep it placed on my chest.
"Even though you wear a lot of black and greys and told me that you like monochromic colors, I know your favorite color is actually red. You love cookie dough ice cream. Cooking is like your therapy—And when you are nervous, you cannot stay still or eat a lot than normal; sometimes you talk while eating and it annoys the heck out of me.
"You sing very rarely because you think your voice sucks. The faint scar on your forehead, the small freckles on your nose, some more on the back of your neck—the way you never actually shave your stubble until your mom tells you to."
I look right into his amber eyes. "The way your eyes dilate when I look into them—the way you always know what I think—the way you always look at me when you think I am not..." I take his hand place it on my lap and look at it. "So, don't say I don't know you."
Then, I breathe out, admitting, "What happened today wasn't you... it was your rage and... I am scared from that rage, Noah. It was really scary... I..."
"Bella..."
Within three seconds, he takes off my seat belt and his. He lifts me and places me on his lap so that both of my legs are on one side. He holds me, tightly, just as I hold on to him.
"Past is a necessary demon; it haunts you, breaks you but it shows that you have lived and you are living," I tell him. "You are human, Noah—not some devil."
"I am a devil, Bella. As much as we will hate it, you were right about us staying away from each other," he says into my hair but he pulls me even closer to heart. "What happened today was one of those proofs, Bella."
"Noah—"
"Bella, I have a complicated life and history. I am a guy who has criminal charges in two countries for numerous small things. I can't change what I have done because time passes by, we make choices—whether in a haste or after a lot of thought. For me, I make them in a haste. My mood swings and my temper... I don't want you to deal with them. I am just a normal guy with abnormal life, which I know you will struggle to deal with and I can't see you struggle."
I tell him, "I thought, Noah, maybe we will be good if we stay away but... it isn't. You know that. I know that. Because it sucks not to be with you or around you—because those days after my birthday were the worst, except winning nationals..."
He lets out a laugh and I almost melt at that sound. I continue, "There might even be a hundred proofs but a million reasons to stay with you. And I mean every single word of it"
Surprised, Noah pulls back and looks at me with a rare look—a look with a whirlwind of emotions. "Why?" He asks.
"Because..." I hold his face in my hands and say, "You are worth it."
"I...I..."
There is denial in his eyes but in mine, there is certainness.
He drops his eyes away from mine and sighs. "I was never the perfect or even good boy in the family, Bella."
He looks up into my eyes and I realize he is opening up. He starts to say, "I tried to be—trust me, I tried whatever they told me to do but... everything felt wrong. But when we came to the States for the first time, it felt like hope—maybe that I will be myself here. A new start for me. But then it started..."
"What started?" I whisper.
He lets out a breath and looks at me. "The bullying."
I pull away from him as I look at him in shock. He smiles, sadly, tucking my hair behind my ear.
"I wasn't in the same school as you then. It was this stupid prestige school, at first. They tried to be my friends because of my family—they wanted to be close to us and the money—I knew that so I begged Mum to change schools. She did but it was the worst one, maybe. Here, they teased me—I thought it was normal but when I was chosen for that school's football team, a lot of senior kids were... pissed so they beat me with a hockey stick after school."
I think I stop breathing for a solid moment. I murmur, "Noah..."
"I think," he says. "I still have faint scars from that incident on my legs but one is really..." I glance at his forehead scar and he nods. "Yes, that one."
He tells me, "I changed schools again after that year—to yours but I had changed a lot too. This time if anyone even tried to mess with me, I would fight back. A single touch and I would break their arm or something. It went on for a long time until..."
He gulps and looks away. He shakes his head, jaws clenched. "I...I can't, Bella."
The anguish in his gaze makes it clear that he's in too much of a painful place; Noah is so damaged that only when you look at his eyes, you can see a broken soul.
Without any word, I wrap my hands around him, tightly, as if trying to hold all of those shattered pieces of glasses of his soul, wanting to put them together.
"It is okay... you can talk to me when you are ready," I say, running my fingers through his hair. He sighs under my touch. "I am with you. I am not going to leave you—not again."
"I am sorry that I scared you, Bella." He keeps his head on my collarbone, brushing his thumb on my hand.
Putting my head above his, I say, "You know Nick is going to talk to you, right?"
He nods, grimly. "I know."
"He won't kill you." It gets a smile out of him.
"I hope not," he says, pressing his forehead to mine. "You know, you are fucking precious to me."
Smiling with surprise, I just look at the man. Noah is just so beautifully raw and imperfect that you can't unsee the depths of the sun in those eyes, alone for so long, wanting to feel wanted for so long.
I have heard and read a lot of confessions of feelings in books and movies but you know what is the difference between those and the ones in reality? It is real and solely for you.
"And you are really precious to me." Looking at him, I know I am going to fight for him—and I will not stop. So, when I get an idea, I don't hold back.
I let out a breath and ask him, "Would you like to go to London with me?"
════════════════════════
- a u t h o r ' s n o t e -
wow, that was one hell of a ride, wasn't it? writing this chapter was hard, not in general but also emotionally. okay, i might have cried a bit (read: a lot)
but i promise that next chapters will be... good.
until the next week,
Inerys
if you feel triggered by the topics or think you need any kind of help, please know that there are resources that might help which you can find in my bio.