I didn't have the best track record with doctors in general. They rarely had good things to tell me.
I hadn't been feeling particularly bad lately, but that didn't mean everything would be alright.
With my luck, it could mean that things were actually worse.
I didn't trust myself, or my head.
I was sitting in the waiting area of my doctor's office. Mom was sitting beside me, with pages from her manuscript she needed to proof read.
Once again, I felt like a shit son, monopolizing her time, making her wait for me here. I tried to remind myself that she had actually been the one asking me to come here, and I hadn't forced her to do anything, but it was difficult to get rid of feelings you were accustomed to have.
I hated bothering literally everyone with my problems.
Something to talk about more in dept with my other doctor.
I was really here collecting doctor's like Pokemon.
As I waited, I checked my phone. I had a text by Tyler.
I'm leaving for two days with my Dad. The gross, gross sister will be all alone. I hope for your sake you'll use this opportunity wisely.
Seconds later he sent me, But I do want to remind you.
With that text he sent me a short video of his sister lying on the couch balancing a bowl of popcorn and a glass of what I assumed was Pepsi on her stomach and then moving just the perfect way to knock everything down on herself.
I laughed alone at the video, grateful for the two Graysons. Tyler had no idea how much I needed something ridiculous like that. Did this happen today? I replied.
Nah. I keep a wide variety of compromising videos and pictures of her to one day destroy her. He texted me back.
Yeah, you and Josh are definitely the same breed.
So, clearly, you have a type. And he sent me a close-up selfie of his face while he was making a very prominent double chin.
Thanks for the laugh. And don't worry, I'll make sure your gross gross sister will be okay without you I sent him.
He wasn't saying it, but I assumed this was less about me hanging out with the girl I liked, and more about him worrying for his big sister all alone.
Their little unit seemed pretty close. They must not be often apart.
That's good, you're learning. I'm training you well. Tyler answered.
Before I could answer anything else I was called into the doctor's office.
We did the usual simple tests to check my balance and my reflexes, and speech and memory were all fine and unaffected by my damaged brain. The sucky part was the MRI and getting gadolinium through an IV, but it wasn't my first rodeo, so everything went as smoothly as it could.
My mom looked worried throughout the whole process though.
It couldn't be easy to see you son having to pass through tests like that so often to make sure he wouldn't drop dead suddenly.
Once again I couldn't help feeling bad for my parents, to have ended up with a son like me.
And once again I reminded myself that I'd have to have a talk with Doctor Boseman about that.
The real bummer of this visit to the doctor was his usual speech at the end. "Everything looks fine on my end, but I'm going to have to remind you that the best-case scenario for me would be for you to stop playing football completely. There are just too many chances of head trauma and that's something your brain really doesn't need at the moment."
I still got the okay to play though, so coach would be happy.
But I wasn't happy, not exactly.
My mom drove us back home chatting about nonsense stuff, but I could feel her worries.
Was it really selfish of me to keep wanting to play football?
Maybe I should have left coach cut me out of the team.
I loved playing football, but did I like it enough to put my whole health in jeopardy?
I really did love football though, and I knew that after high school, I wouldn't be able to play it again, in a real team that was. I wasn't going to be drafted in any college teams, and I wouldn't even go for try-outs. At that level, my doctor would definitely be against it.
But football meant a lot to me. If it hadn't been for football, I didn't think I would have made so many friends. My only friend would probably be Josh.
For as much as people thought I was popular, I never could have reached that level if not for football. Artsy moody Blake would have stayed hidden in a corner. I didn't have any friends until I started to play football actually. I was just a loner in a corner.
I remember some of the guys saying they had barely ever heard me talk before we started to play together.
So now, because of football I had many friends, friends I knew had my back. Me and the guys, we were a team. It was a kind of brotherhood I hadn't known I would ever have.
I was truly grateful for it.
I knew that even if I stopped playing football, these guys would still hang out with me, but they'd definitely ask questions if I stopped and then things would be different as soon as they would know about my head.
And we would have less reasons of hanging out together.
I didn't want to lose that just yet, especially since the football season only lasted a few of months.
I could manage to not hurt myself in these few months. I could be careful.
I just had to run very fast so no one could tackle me.
I tried to go to bed early that night, but I was just worrying about everything, and couldn't fall asleep.
I really needed to stop thinking sometimes, and live in my head so much.
Lying in my bed, while staring at the ceiling, I realized I had forgotten to ask the doctor for new sleeping pills, because I seriously needed help in that aspect of my life.
I got out of bed in the middle of the night and made myself some tea in the dark, to try to help calming me down.
I ended up sleeping maybe four hours.
That really couldn't be good for me.
The next day, the guys were all talking about our next game and bickering together, and it reminded me how much I didn't want to lose this, not just yet.
Clark also complained about the fact I hadn't been to any parties lately, like it ever made a difference in his love life that I was around. If anything, it really just didn't help his case.
I had no idea why Clark had such a strong need to convince everyone that he wanted to be a player and hook up with as many girls as he could.
Well, that's not true, I did have an inkling of an idea. Trying to convince everyone that you're something because in fact you are the opposite...
During the lunch break I sat beside Lexi, with a shit eating grin.
"You ready for tomorrow Pumpkin?" I asked her, wiggling my eyebrows.
Lexi shoved a piece of bread in my mouth to shut me up.
I laughed and continued. "I've made a lot of notes on my script, I'm ready to play my greatest hits, so it's not lost on anyone that you're amazed at how big I am."
"I swear to god Blake, I will ruin you if you don't follow the script," Lexi warned me.
The guys were chatting together and ignoring us. I was grateful. Annoying Lexi Grayson was one of my favourite hobbies.
"Pumpkin, honey, darling, even if I don't say any of my comments, you think you won't be remembering them while you read your lines?" I kept teasing her.
I was actually very excited about tomorrow. I knew her saying these words in front of everyone meant nothing, but I still expected a great sense of satisfaction in having her say these things out loud.
As it had already been well established, I had issues.
"You little bitch," she said and nudged me with her elbow. I laughed again. "Seriously Blake, we're doing this for a grade, it's a school project, what do you get from sabotaging my performance? Weren't you worried about your grades?"
Not in this class, but I wasn't going to admit to that out loud.
"It's all about establishing your priorities, and I've decided that one of mine is having you asking me to take my clothes off and swooning about my size."
"What have a done to the universe to be stuck with you?" she whined, but from her tone and the little smirk at the corner of her mouth threatening to become an actual smile, I could tell she didn't mean it.
Maybe I actually liked having Lexi punching me and telling me shit like this, because that was all I was accustomed too.
Or maybe my MRI had missed something important and I was actual a deranged individual.
The second option would make sense.
"Don't worry, I'll be there to make everything alright Pumpkin," I assured her.
This did not seem to comfort her.
She just made a whining sound and hid her face in her hands.
I laughed again.
"So, any plans tonight?" I asked her. I wasn't sure if Tyler and her father had already left. I didn't want her to be alone and bored.
I was also slightly obsessed with her, but there was no need to mention that sad fact.
"Actually yes, I will be spending my evening with people that don't relish in the fact that I will potentially humiliate myself in public," Lexi told me.
I snorted. "I'm pretty sure all of your friends also find pleasure in your public humiliation. It's a teenage rite of passage."
"Sometimes I really think about the fact that life in prison might be a worthy price if I could just smother you," she told me, glaring at me.
"Pumpkin, you can smother me anytime without killing me and you won't need to go to prison," I answered and winked at her.
This time I got a punch on my shoulder.
I laughed, rubbing the sore spot.
My Pumpkin had a mean punch. I assumed she got that talent from fighting with her brother.
For the rest of the day, I didn't miss an opportunity to tease Lexi. If she didn't have such a strong reaction over my pestering her, I would have dropped the matter in second. She seriously needed to learn how to keep her cool.
I went to see the coach and gave him my doctor's okay. He still looked pissed at me though, but what was new there.
I had been in a relatively good mood all day long, so when I got home, I hadn't been ready to find my parents waiting for me with their serious faces on.
"Hey, what's up?" I asked them, a little worried.
"We need to talk," my father said, and motioned for us to go in the living room.
Were they going to tell me I was adopted and needed to leave the house now? I'd actually accept it.
My parents sat on one couch while I sat opposite to them.
My legs were kind of twitching.
"How important is it for you to be in the football team?" my mother asked me softly.
I kinda froze. So, this was about that? I thought we already had this conversation after my accident. Hadn't this matter already been settled.
"What? Did the doctor say anything else?" I asked.
My father just stared at his hands.
My mother looked guilty and said, "No, but while you were doing your MRI we were talking and... Blake, you really need to be careful with your head."
"I know."
"Do you? Because you play football, and you stay up all night and you don't always take care of yourself," Dad said.
I was on the defensive right away. I felt hurt, the way you usual were when people pointed your faults.
I didn't like to be put on the spot like this.
"If you want me to drop out of the team, say you want me to drop out of the team. Don't try to make this into my decision. It's your decision," I told them, a little too sharply.
"We both want you to do what you like, but we also want to have you around for a long time. And we don't want you to have a stoke and have lasting effects," Mom said.
I ignored her gentle tone. "Do you want me to play football, or you don't? It's simple."
"We want you to be careful," Dad said in the same tone as my mother.
I wanted to say, that's not an answer, but I wasn't the parent. I wasn't the adult. I shouldn't try to pick a fight with my parents when they were just legitimately concerned.
I was just not ready to lose football.
"I'm staying on the team. I'll be careful," I told them and got up, leaving them alone.
God, what a shit son I was.
I hid in my room all evening long.
Anita dropped me food, making a face at me, between worried and annoyed.
Why did something always have to go wrong? Why couldn't I be happy all the time, without worries?
Lexi made me happy lately...
I kinda wanted to be selfish again.
I called her.
"Hey," Lexi greeted me, almost a little shyly, and I could hear a smile in her voice.
Part of the knot that had been in my stomach since my talk with my parents entangled.
"Hey... what are you doing right now? Can I—" I was going to ask her if I could talk with her, if I could drive to her place maybe. I wanted to see her. But before I could finish that sentence, Alex's voice asked very loudly, "IS IT YNA?"
"I don't fancy being mistaken for a girl. That's like a first in my book," I snapped and then slapped my hand over my mouth.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
I always reacted badly anytime Alex was involved in her life, but I had no excuses.
It wasn't Lexi's fault that I was in a bad mood right now.
"Sorry about that, I'm over at Alex's," she explained, apologetically.
"Kinda figured that out for myself," I replied, a little flatly, because my eyes were tearing up suddenly, for no fucking reason and I didn't want to start weeping on the phone.
I shouldn't have been expecting for Lexi to be at my beck and call. I should take care of my problems on my own.
"So you were saying?"
"Nothing, forget about it," I told her.
She didn't need me to gloom up her day.
She didn't need me really. And she shouldn't.
"No, no, go ahead," she said.
"Really Lexi it was nothing, just go have fun, I'll see you tomorrow. Try not to forget your script or anything and if you have stage fright remember to picture everyone naked, except me, because then you'll just be speechless and we need you to be able to make coherent sentences and not drool on sight alright?" I said in a rush, trying to lightened up the mood, but also to end this conversation quickly.
Crying mess mode, slowly activating.
"Seriously Blake what's wrong?" she pressed.
Everything.
But it wasn't her mess to deal with. It was mine.
"Nothing, really. Just wanted to annoy you a bit as always. We'll talk another time alright. Bye Lexi," I told her and hung up as she said goodbye.
And then I sort of just sat on the ground and started to cry.
Which made like no fucking sense. I had no idea why I was being so sentimental like this.
Maybe it was a mix of sleep deprivation and feeling like I had no control over anything in my life.
God, my life really was a mess.
My phone started to ring.
Lexi was calling me back.
I let it ring a little in order to control my sobbing.
"I thought I had just hung up, hadn't I?" I told her, a little sharply again, pressing a palm over my eyes to stop them from crying.
"Well someone sounds like he's in a fantastic mood," Lexi replied.
I probably sounded mad. I wasn't sure if it was a better option than sounding like a sobbing mess.
It was a better option for my ego at least.
Toxic masculinity for the win.
"I thought this conversation was over? We'll see each other tomorrow for the play, go have fun, I need my sleep now. I'm actually going to sleep. You know, what you've been telling me to do?" I said.
"You sound pissed," Lexi replied. I couldn't help myself from saying this time.
"I sound tired," I said.
It was true. I was tired.
"Come over," Lexi suddenly said, in a soft voice.
My body froze. "What?"
"Well, it's me, Daphnee, Alex and two of his friends. We could always use more company," she explained.
I bit my lips to stop from crying again. This was a different kind of crying though, the kind where you felt grateful that someone cared and worried about you, even though you probably didn't deserve it. "You don't need to do this you know that right?"
"Do what?"
"Try to fix things that don't need fixing."
"What do you mean?"
"Just because you think you did something wrong doesn't mean you have to make everything alright Pumpkin," I tried to reassure her.
She probably thought I was mad at her. I wasn't. The only person I was ever truly mad at was myself.
"What are you implying?" Lexi asked, perplexed.
"Thanks for the invite Pumpkin, next time maybe, but you know what? I'm actually going to sleep tonight and be all fresh and radiating for our play tomorrow," I told her.
"Yeah you do that," Lexi replied, sounding a little annoyed with me.
I smiled. "Bye Pumpkin, and remember to put the right amount of emotion when you say how big I am alright?" I teased her.
"Get lost Blake," Lexi sighed on the other side of the line.
"Anytime with you Pumpkin," I replied, and actually found myself chuckling, before hanging up.
God, I was whipped.
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Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! :D
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. A lot of things happen! XD
By the way... it's the period chapter next week.. ;P
Alrighty! I shall leave you alone now! See you all next week. I love you all! <3