Mikki De'lucca
Tempting hazard, you teeter precariously on the edge of the flimsy steel framed-cot in your borrowed boots.. Stretching up on tiptoes to peek out the window that sits high on the wall, you crane your neck hoping to get some gauge of where you had been moved to.. Instead all you can see is the inky night sky and the illuminated windows of a neighbouring skyscraper..
At least you know you are still somewhere in the city uptown.. Maybe even in the same office building you had been in before.. Though you doubt it since the room you're in now looks completely different, more clinical.. The air smells of alcohol based sanitizer and the sedative lighting is tinted a soft almost lulling pastel blue hue.. With textured pale painted walls and faux-marble linoleum, this place most certainly feels like a hospital.. Or a mental asylum...
Lacey had called this place 'Specter Patient Care' and her name badge had read the letters 'SPC'.. Colt and Hunter had both said they worked for an agency called Specter.. Private Security, we're the words Paxton used when he introduced himself to you..
So all you know for sure is that this place, whatever it is, is connected to Colt.. He brought you here for a reason.. And you want to know why..
When you hear the jiggle of the door handle and your head jerks in the direction of the grating metallic sound of the lock releasing, your balance is lost and you begin to wobble back and forth as the cot threatens to tip..
In a flurry of grating metal and blonde curls you feel yourself plummeting towards the linoleum floor, when a pair of burly tattooed arms capture you mid air.. "Whoa! I gotcha, Sugar.."
Stuttering in breathless shock, you gape up to see Colt's painfully beautiful face.. "Uh.. Oh, I-It's you--"
Oh, mother Maria, have mercy.. It just isn't fair!
The dangerous way his presence forces your heart to thunder so violently it seems as if it might actually explode, it's oh so cruel..
His spiced citrus scent wraps around you to evoke a flurry of butterflies in your belly and his vibrant azure eyes twinkle down at you with crystal clear concern..
No.. It isn't fair that his strong arms around you still make you feel that craving desire, or that you still want to kiss his perfect mouth and melt away into the crazy chemistry that you share..
It isn't fair because that is all your stupid body wants to do, and you can't..
You can't forgive the sinking sadness in your chest, or the stinging betrayal that now accompanies his warm touch..
"You in here plannin' your great escape?" He muses gently in an effort to lighten the heavy tension that wires you both so tightly it is likely either of you will snap at any second.. His gaze remains locked intensely on yours when he sets you carefully back down on your feet..
Lightning leaves his fingertips to sizzle across your skin.. His touch trails down your arm and a prickly electrical current remains in its wake..
"No, I'm not going anywhere.. You made sure of that.." You mutter, an icy cold chill bringing rise to goosebumps over your arms, which you move wrap tightly around yourself like they could offer you any protection from the discomfort..
He winces when you withdraw from his hold, stepping aside to kick the cot back into place against the wall with the bottom of his boot.. "Aw shit.. I'm tryin' to protect you, Mikki.. I know you're mad--"
"I'm not mad.." You retort in an tart, argumentative way.. Sure, you had wanted to see him just minutes ago.. So badly.. You'd wanted to understand him, his motives, his reasonings..To talk to him.. To get an explanation.. But now that he is standing right in front of you, he is no more than a perfect stranger..
You don't know what to say, all the words mix into an unsolvable jumble in your head..
"Hm.. You sure 'bout that, Sugar?" He croons, a tempting slow-honeyed drawl while arching a thick blond brow in disbelief..
"I'm not really sure about anything anymore.." You shrug, allowing a wash of passive aggression to overcome you.. "But, I'm not mad.. I'm just-- Fuck-- I'm so disappointed.."
His expression falls to one of guilt and shame and somehow his pain is just more punishment to you.. It doesn't make you feel any better to hurt him the way he has hurt you.. It doesn't appease you to see his guilty suffering..
This beautiful man to whom you had surrendered your heart, your body and soul to only a few hours ago, can't truly be so different.. Even though he is now unrecognisable, the thudding in your chest says otherwise.. Your heart recognises him.. Recognises him and reacts foolishly..
Despite the signs and red flags so wantonly dismissed, despite your preconceived doubts and despite the warnings he himself had given you, you had let yourself fall head over heels for The charming Cowboy..
Or rather, you couldn't stop it..
You can't stop it, even now.. With all the fury of a woman scorned seething inside , you still can't stop loving him..
Damn him!
Was any of it real? Or was it all just an act?.. Did he say all those pretty words just to exploit your biggest weaknesses?.. Your loneliness and grief, your fears and doubts.. Or your hopes and dreams..
Did he gather all of your affection just to weaponize it against you?
What the fuck does he want from you?!
God.. You need to know, just who the hell is Colt Knox?
He sees you reeling through the doubts and shifts nervously on his feet before you, as if he knows exactly what you are thinking.. "Mikki--"
"Colt--" You mute each other by speaking at the same time as you stare deeply into each other's eyes, neither of you wanting to be the first to flinch..
Neither wanting to concede..
Eventually, he cracks, shattering the silence.. "I didn't think you'd wanna talk to me.. Mikki, I feel sick to my guts.. Betraying your trust the way I did, I never wanted--"
"Oh, you're sick about it?" Your tongue feels two times too big for your mouth and talking is now the last thing you want to do.. That and the fact you had just spent the last two hours being evaluated by Lacey and a rather uptight psychologist colleague she introduced you to, Dr Harper.. "Hmm.. Care to imagine how I feel?.. Ugh, I don't know that I actually do want to talk anymore.. I think I'm all talked out, Cowboy.. I've been stabbed in the back, interrogated, evaluated and medicated, all in the short time since you brought me here.. I just want whatever the fuck this is to be over.."
"Whatever this is--" He peers at you through luminescent blue eyes.. Eyes filled with questions.. "Between you and me?"
You shake your head and click your tongue a little too aggressively.. "Tch, I mean all of it, Colt.. I want out, I want to be done.. I don't need to be questioned by the same self-serving FBI assholes who got Charlie killed.. I never want to see Ellerie Devereux or Jake Harrison again.. I never aaked to be made to look like the fucking idiot you've made me look like with all your lies! You brought me here, so you can tell me how I get out.. God, just-- tell me what am I supposed to do to get out of this fucking nightmare. What do you people really want from me?! Please, tell me!"
Warily, he reaches for your hand.. "You can have it, Mikki.. All of it.. What we talked about.. A fresh start, away from the FBI and Angelo and his enemies.. Away from the city-- Away from me.." The look in his eyes implores you, begs with a brilliant and almost convincing desperation.. "But I need time.. Sugar, I need you to give me time.." His fingers brush against yours and your hand jerks away at the electric jolt you receive from him..
"Time?.. Hmm.." You hum, unconvinced that any amount of time will ever bring you a fresh start.. "How much time will it take for me to forget about all this, do you think?"
His reply is so quiet you can barely hear it.. "I doubt you will.."
You offer a forced, false smile.. "But I wish I could.."
"Goddamnit-- it wasn't s'posed to be this way.." Frustrated, he grumbles to himself as he reaches up to rub the back of his neck, the military tattoos inked around his thick biceps swelling and straining.. Immediately you look away, casting your eyes elsewhere to avoid his powerful influence..
When you glance down you notice for the first time there is a trickle of blood at your knee, where the edge of the cot had cut you in the fumble..
"Oh, fuck.. Great-- Just fucking great!"
You move to sit on the cot, stretching out your leg and leaning forward to inspect the wound with a whimper.. "Owh.."
The Cowboy's gaze tracks yours to see the slash in your flesh, just below your knee.. "Aw hell, ya hurt yaself honey.."
"No shit, Sherlock." You snark sarcastically, not at all talking about the blood.. You are hurt, in a new way you didn't even know you could be.. Drenched in disillusioned doubt..
"Easy, Hellcat.." He coaxes, kneeling down at your feet and lifting the hem of his shirt to carefully dab away the blood.. The way he tends to you is gentle and cautious, as though you are made of glass and might shatter in his hands.. And you might, your insides writhe with a mounting pressure.. All your emotions mix into one potent cocktail of disturbance.. Slipping in between the cracks of anger and sadness, to find nothing but a deep well of emptiness..
His warm grasp settles softly around your calf and when he looks up at you from beneath dark ashy lashes, your heart skips a couple beats.. "Mikki, Sweetness.. I'm sorry.."
You nod slowly, your flat toned reply bordering on apathetic.. "Oh.. Okay.."
He frowns in frustration with himself.. "I wouldn't expect you to believe me, Sugar.. I don't expect you to believe anythin' I say--"
You draw your leg back and his heated touch slips away.. "Good.. Because I don't.."
His pleading eyes search yours, vulnerability reflected back at you.. Whether it's yours or his, you aren't entirely sure.. "Please, Mikki, baby-- What can I do?"
You pitch forward, leaning in close to him before you lower your voice to a conspiratorial whisper.. "You can get me out of this fucking place, Cowboy.."
He sighs a slow breath, more of a low groan, and his shoulders sag.. "You know I can't do that--"
You push up to your feet, moving away from him with an irritated huff.. "Ughh! Then I can't do this.. I can't.. I'm not like you, Colt.. I'm not strong enough.. Not tough enough.. I can't just erase the shit I don't want to remember from my head and pretend it never happened.. I can't just stand by waiting for the day Angelo takes the last person I love from me.. I can't sit around living out the rest of my life in a fucking loony-bin! And I don't think I can forgive them, the things you've done.. I can't--"
"Mikki, Sugar.. I ain't that stupid, I know you can't, I've known it a while now.. And you don't owe me shit, least of all your forgiveness, but you gotta know, Sweetness, you're the strongest woman I've ever met.. You're tough as hell, resilient, un-fuckin'-breakable.. You're gonna get through this, and you're gonna be alright.."
His shoulders rise and fall and his slow Alabama drawl thickens with determination as he speaks.. "I'm the weak one.. I'm the spineless mongrel who couldn't keep my fuckin' hands off you... It's pathetic, really.. Aw fuck, Sweetness, I'm so fuckin' sorry.." He stands rigid at attention, not daring to approach you, likely afraid to trigger another of your episodes..
You can't stop staring at him.. It's like he is an alien, a creature completely foreign and impossible to understand.. "You keep saying that, like it's going to make a difference.. I get it.. You're sorry.. Or maybe you just feel sorry for yourself.. Whatever.. It doesn't matter, because it doesn't change anything, Colt."
He sighs in disappointment, tucking his hands into the pockets of his jeans.. "I'm here to keep you safe, even if it means you never want to see me again when this is all over.. I took a contract, but you weren't just a job to me, Sweetness.. It wasn't like that and I'm gonna prove it to you.. I'm gonna fight for you.. In a few days you'll be released from SPC and Paxton is gonna put you into wit-seq until I can find Oliver.. Mikki, I'm gonna make this right.. I promised you that much, Sweetness.. It's the only promise left now that I can keep.."
You bite your lip.. "I wish I could believe you but-- I don't know who you are now, Colt.. Everything we had-- or what I thought we had.. All I know for sure is that it was a lie.."
"It wasn't." He growls..
You fold your arms and narrow your stare, trying for courage to speak without your voice wobbling pathetically.. Failing, but trying nonetheless.. "You used me.. Just like everyone else.. Oliver was lying to me, your boss thinks I know all these De'lucca family-fucking-secrets, but I don't.. I don't because my father doesn't trust me as far as he could kick me! I married an FBI agent, of course he fucking doesn't! Christ, don't you people get it?! I told Oliver everything.. I told you everything.."
You feel like tearing your own hair out, why don't they understand?! How can you possibly make them see? "I don't belong in Angelo's world, I never belonged in Charlie's.. And now, I don't belong here, in yours.. I don't know what to think, or who to believe.. Maybe the truth doesn't even matter anymore, because nobody will ever believe me.. But your promises, what meaning do they even have now? They're empty.. I gave you everything, all of my trust and you fucked me! Ha! You fucked me alright, didn't you, Cowboy?!"
Unlike the smart-mouthed, cocky Colt you have come to know and expect, he doesn't argue back.. He doesn't move, doesn't blink.. He just stands there and he takes your verbal tirade..
You suck a deep shaky breath, hearing that you are ranting yet unable to stop.. "I wanted you to be the kind of guy I could trust so badly that I made myself blind to the truth.. A truth I think I always knew, but I just didn't want to see it.. God, It was so fucking stupid of me to think that it could be real.. That you could actually care-- No, fuck you! I'm not going to cry!"
He steps closer as you choke up, sobs climbing your throat that you fight to swallow back down.. He doesn't deserve your tears..
"Mikki, nothin' I said was a lie.." He coos, with that same smokey-southern sincerity that has fooled you so many times before..
You sniff, wiping your watery eyes with the back of your hand, determined to be strong.. "Cowboy, it's all the things you didn't say and not saying them was lying.."
His gaze falls to the floor and his head hangs.. "I know.. I fucked up, Sweetness.. That's not what I meant--"
There is a moment of tension before he begins to pace in front of the door..
"If I could do it all again.. If I could take it back--"
"Oh-- All of it?" You wince, hurt and confused, a pang of rejection in your chest at the idea that he might have regrets..
He shakes his head, struggling with the words.. "No, shit! No, not that.. Not you, Mikki.. I don't regret nothin' that happened between us, Sugar.. Hell, I ain't never had better.. But-- the way I made it happen-- I'll never forgive myself for that--"
"So why did you? Why did you do this to me? You have to tell me, Colt.. What did I do to deserve this?" You plead with him for answers..
Why does everything you touch turn to trash?.. Why does everybody you love betray you?.. Why does your existence feel cursed?.. Why?..
He holds his breath and his jaw ticks as he grinds his back teeth together.. "Aw.. Hell.. Sugar.. When you been following orders for as long as I have, that shit becomes the default.. 'N I let it, cus that was easier than admitting that I'm an imposter.. That I ain't worth shit, 'n that I don't fuckin' belong here.." He pauses to chuckle dryly to himself, at his own discredit..
"When Harris approached me, I didn't know what I was gettin' into.. Shit, the guy is so damn shady, I still don't have a fuckin' clue why he set me up this way.. But then I met you and you were so fuckin' lovely-- Fuck--" He begins to pace, cracking his knuckles with an audible crunch.. "You were nothin' like you were s'posed to be.. You didn't deserve this, Sweet Thing, this ain't your fault.. None of it is your fault.. The truth is--"
"Yes?" You breathe a keen, smokey whisper as you lean closer to him, hanging on tenterhooks to hear his truth..
He expresses the words in one breath, nervous and fast.. "Truth is, I fuckin' love you, Mikki.. I fell for you hard and so fuckin' fast-- I'm talkin' less than 8 seconds, Sweetness.. There ain't nothin' about you that ain't perfect to me.. There ain't nothin' I wouldn't do to give you all those things you want... I need you to give me a chance to make this right.. You gotta believe me, Sugar, cus I ain't been the same since you came along.. I dunno how I'm s'posed to live with this.. I dunno how I'm s'posed to go back to the guy I used to be.."