Go grab a snack and a blanket and get comfortable. It's a long one x
...
October
Amelia
The past month has probably been one of the busiest of my life.
I officially signed on my book deal with HarperCollins a couple of weeks ago. Brian Murray, the CEO, met with me personally to sign my contracts. He said they normally don't take on newcomers in the writing industry but he thought I was worth the risk. He thinks mine and Robin's book is touching and that it'll sell massively. Of course part of that might have to do with Robin's name being listed on it, because I'm sure word will get out soon with Harry's fans, but that's okay. I know Robin would just want someone to take something from our book no matter if they're fans of Harry's or not.
As soon as I signed my contract, book publication went underway. 150,000 copies will be distributed globally in two weeks. Brian told me that 150,000 copies might not seem like a lot but depending on how it does, we might have another order afterwards. He suspects I might sell half a million copies in the next several months.
I nearly choked on my own saliva when I heard that.
If, and that's a big if, I do wind up selling that many copies then Brian said my pay will be adjusted accordingly. I'll receive a bonus and then collect royalties from there. He didn't give me a specific amount for what I'd make but he did give me an estimate and...well, it's a lot.
I've already made half a million dollars just from signing the contract. Half of that was already given to me in the form of a nice, fat check and the rest will be given after a certain amount of books are sold. Immediately I cashed the check and then straight from the bank, I went home to Harry in our New York City apartment. Once there, we closed on another house in London.
We've been eyeing that one house he showed me back in June for a couple of months. I didn't just want to purchase that home because we hadn't explored other options, so every now and then we would go on a search by looking at virtual listings and options Harry's realtor would send him. But nothing felt like home like that mansion Harry took us too. I don't know what it is about it but it just gave me a sense of comfort. I could easily see us growing old together there and starting a family. There's plenty of rooms and a large backyard, as well as that tennis court Harry is obsessed with. I wasn't even aware he liked tennis but apparently he does. I wound up buying him some tennis shorts for him after we closed on the house and I swear I've never seen him so happy. They're a little short though but quite frankly, I don't think I'll mind that.
I also felt comfortable buying this house because I knew I'd be able to chip in for it. I don't have nearly as much as Harry does but I have enough to make myself feel less guilty. I told Harry I'd be able to put $200,000 down, which is roughly £141,000, and then I could put more towards the house once I get my other paycheck.
Harry then told me he didn't want me paying, which caused a small argument between us, but he explained it's because he came up with this idea.
And honestly...it's not a bad idea.
Instead of paying for our house, at least right now, I'm going to take my money and purchase one for my family so they can come visit Harry and I whenever they want, or just come to England for a getaway. I know they could just stay with Harry and I but since I'll be moving to England officially, I thought them having their own house would make England feel like home to them as well. Selfishly it would also make me happy so this was a compromise I could come to with Harry.
I plan on surprising them with it for Christmas, assuming I'm able to find a home by then that will be suitable for the six of them.
Besides the book deal and house hunting, Harry's been busy with his album. He finally finished all the details and songs and now he's completely content and at ease with it. Apparently there was some debate with one of the songs but Harry wound up liking it so they put it on the album last minute. Since it's been finalized, he's been working on the finishing touches - photoshoots, album covers, merch, tour dates, etc. The list is endless. Plus it's been taking up all his time.
But today is different. Today he's not plagued with work. It's the first day in what feels like forever that he has off and he's taking it to finally play me his album.
To say I'm nervous would be an understatement. I feel like I'm going to be sick because I know what the album is about. Sure 'Lights Up' and 'Adore You' were lighthearted songs but Mitch gave me a warning last night to prepare myself, so that didn't help my nerves.
Also Harry currently has me blindfolded in the car while he drives me to God knows where so that also is not helping.
"How much longer?" I complain while sinking lower into the passenger seat.
I hear Harry chuckle.
"Just pulling in now, babe," he replies, giving my thigh a squeeze from where his hand is resting. "You must have a sixth sense or something."
I smile to myself and feel Harry turn into the mysterious parking lot while getting honked at by an impatient New York City driver.
I sigh as Harry pulls into a spot and puts the car in park. I vaguely hear him unbuckle and then tell me to hold still while he comes around to my side of the car. I don't understand why I still can't take the blindfold off but I don't argue with him. I just agree and silently wait for Harry to come around and open the door for me.
Large hands grip my own and guide me gently out of the vehicle. Immediately I'm met with the crisp October air and the smell of Harry's cologne from the breeze rustling his sweater. It has a tobacco and vanilla smell to it which I absolutely adore. Harry knows it too. Normally he wears it on special occasions so I'm assuming this is one of them because we're listening to his new album.
Or rather I'm listening to it since seemingly everyone else around Harry has heard it already.
"Okay just a couple more steps," Harry instructs as he leads me to wherever we are. I do as he says and then when I get to a certain spot, Harry halts causing me to follow step. "Okay, there."
I feel Harry's hands come from behind me and gingerly lift the blindfold off my face, revealing the building in front of us. I have to blink a couple of times but when the building finally comes into focus, I recognize it as the studio Harry first brought me to nearly three years ago. It was before we had even started dating when he trusted me to hear snippets of his first album and join him and Mitch during their writing sessions. I think we also got drunk here one night off a couple bottles of stale alcohol Mitch found in his car.
"I know this place," I tell Harry, a grin taking over my face. "You used to take me here when we were first started to get to know each other."
Harry places his hands on my shoulders and kisses the top of my head.
"Yes, I did," he softy says. "Thought it would be fitting to bring you here to listen to my second album. Just seemed...right, I dunno. Like we've come full circle."
I abruptly turn around and startle Harry by placing a chaste kiss to his lips.
"I love it," I tell him, causing his cheeks to tint pink. I peck his lips again.
I absolutely adore how Harry pays attention to minute details like this. I might joke how he can be a bit of an airhead sometimes but he has a keen eye for the small and seemingly insignificant things in life. He has an appreciation for those fine details.
"Come on, love. Let's go inside," Harry says, still taken back from my kiss. I can tell from his somewhat flustered appearance.
He adjusts the bag on his shoulder and grabs my hand in his free one before leading us in the building. Memories instantly flood my mind from the last time I was here which seems like ages ago. Harry's hair was much longer back then, falling well past his shoulders, and I was still a girl in college just trying to figure out her life. We've both come a long way in the past few years, career wise and look wise.
Once in the building, Harry briefly greets the security guard at the entrance and then leads us to the furthest recording room. It's the same one he first played 'Sign of the Times' to me in. I smile at the memory, simultaneously feeling overly nostalgic.
"Can I get your opinion on something?" Harry asked me, to which I nodded.
He got up from the couch we were sat on and walked over to the other side of the glass wall, in the section where he would actually record his songs. He then waved his hand, gesturing for me to come over and join him.
"If you want to sit on the couch, I'll get the tracks set up and then come join you for the listening party," Harry says to me.
I notice a slight twinge of nervousness to his voice. I'm sure it must be difficult for him to finally play me his album. There's been a huge lead up to this point from our initial spark, to dating, to breaking up (kind of), to getting back together. Harry's alluded to documenting all of it through his songs in this album and I could only imagine what that means.
I do as he says and get situated on the small black couch opposite the control center where Harry wanders over to. I lazily watch as he pulls out an aux cord and plugs one end into the mixing board and the other into an iPod he brought. Then he presses a few buttons to set up the sound.
"I - uh..." Harry stutters. He turns around to face me while sporting an anxious expression on his face. He pulls his pink bottom lip between his teeth before releasing it. "If you don't like any of it, just tell me. I have other song options I can replace any of these songs with but...these mean the most to me. There's a reason I chose all these. It's just...they're kind of personal, specifically to us, so if you think they're too personal for the world to hear just let me know."
I give my boyfriend a smile of reassurance.
"It'll be okay, Harry," I tell him, although I'm not sure I'm the one that should be comforting him. I'm shitting myself currently from nerves. "But I promise I'll tell you."
Harry curtly nods and then turns around to press a button on the mixing board before coming to join me on the couch with the iPod in hand.
As he does, sound begins to fill the room. It's a light and airy sound with tapping of a cymbal and repetitive playing on a keyboard I think, or some sort of synth.
"This one's called 'Golden'," Harry whispers.
I bow my head while listening and smile when I hear Harry's voice come in. I wonder how many times he had to sing the "da da da da" parts. It sounds like a small choir but all made up of Harry.
Overall, I really like 'Golden'. It reminds me of summer and fills me with a type of warmth I haven't felt in a while. Maybe it's nostalgia, I'm not sure, but I think the song is really good and it brings a smile to my face.
"I really like it, Harry. What inspired that one?" I ask Harry before he plays the next one. He sheepishly shrugs and then looks at me.
"Uh, well I actually had that one written for a while," he admits, causing me to furrow my eyebrows. "I almost put it on the first album but it wasn't ready in time. I - uh - I wrote it shortly after I first asked you out on a date."
My mouth opens then closes.
"Wha-" I start but Harry cuts me off.
"Do you remember when I first asked you on a date? And you said no?" Hesitantly I nod. "You told me then your biggest fear was love and falling in love...'I know that you're scared because hearts get broken'. That's where that lyric came from...the rest I wrote because I was falling very hard and fast for you - 'I can feel you take control of who I am and all I've ever known', 'I know you were way too bright for me', 'I don't want to be alone'..."
I avert my eyes, taking in what Harry's saying.
He's had that song written for three years? I was his muse even right after we met? I know he wrote 'Sweet Creature' for me and 'Meet Me in the Hallway' about a fight we had in London but those were after we started dating. Certainly not before.
"You don't have to say anything," Harry says, his nervous demeanor returning. "I know it's personal. I - uh - I can take it out if you want - "
"Harry," I cut him off, looking back up to meet his wide eyes. He clamps his mouth shut. "I love it. I'm sorry if I'm quiet. I'm just taking it all in but...I really love it."
I swear I see some of the tension Harry was holding in release from his shoulders. They slump and his posture becomes less stiff, along with his facial muscles.
"Yeah?" he asks, to which I nod with a small smile forming on my face. "Well...that's a relief because there's more where that came from." I giggle as Harry then plays the next song. "This one's called 'Watermelon Sugar'."
I give Harry a pointed look.
"'Watermelon Sugar'?" I ask as Harry's singing voice fills the room.
"Tastes like strawberries..."
That's an odd lyric for a song called 'Watermelon Sugar'.
Harry shrugs.
"Named after that book you gave me. Thought it would be catchy," he says.
Boy is it ever.
This is the song Harry told me reminds him of a nursery rhyme. He seems disinterested the entire time while listening to it and even grimaces when it comes to an end. Personally, I like it and think it's a fun, summer song, similar to 'Golden', but I could see how it would annoy Harry after a while. It's pretty much compromised of maybe twenty different lyrics just repeated over and over again, but instrumentally it's excellent.
"Started that one in the middle of tour," Harry begrudgingly tells me. "We only just finished it. That was part of what was taking so long to play you the album. Couldn't figure out how to bloody end it."
I smile and shift closer to Harry.
"What's it about?" I ask.
Harry sighs.
"Depends who you ask...to me it's about that initial euphoric feeling I got when we first started dating. The honeymoon stage, if you will. But to Kid Harpoon it's about eating pus- "
"Harry," I cut him off, my face turning ten shades of red darker. My eyes grow wide and my hands clam up at the insinuation.
"It's not about that," Harry laughs. He places a hand on my thigh and gives it a soft squeeze. "Kid's just got an...interesting outlook."
I scoff, remembering the orgy comment he made when we were in Mexico for the filming of 'Light's Up'.
"Kid better not go blabbing that around because I don't want people thinking you wrote about oral sex with me..." I say.
Maybe it's selfish to think that way but considering Harry said this album is about us and most of his fans know who I am, I don't need that connection to be made. That's more personal than telling the story of our breakup in some ways.
"Don't worry, lovebug. I've already told him to shut it," Harry tells me. He cheekily smiles at me but I don't return it, feeling like word is still somehow going to get out about Kid's interpretation. He can't be the only one who thinks that way. "I can take it out if you want..." Harry adds after seeing my expression.
I sigh and shake my head.
"No...it's okay," I give in after a slight pause. Maybe I'll sleep on it but honestly...I like the song. I suppose I can live with people's speculations. If they want to theorize then they can but Harry and I will know what it really means and that's all that matters.
We go on to listen to 'Adore You' and 'Lights Up', both songs I had previously heard. Harry offers to skip them since I already heard them but I tell him not to. I hold them both precious to my heart and want to listen to them on a constant loop. So we do, which makes my heart happy, and then move on to the next song.
"This next one is called 'Cherry'," Harry explains.
A soft smile graces my face.
"'Cherry'?" I ask.
Harry shyly smiles and nods.
"You're my cherry, remember?" he whispers.
"I bought you a gift the other day," Harry said to me in a voicemail he left on my phone last January. "I think you'll like it. I desperately want to tell you what it is but I don't want to ruin the surprise.....alright, it's a necklace. I thought it was pretty and it reminded me of you. It has a glass pendant on it of a Japanese cherry blossom flower. I thought it was fitting since you're my chérie, or rather cherry as I like to say. It means sweetheart or darling in French, but I'm sure you already know that since you took French in college..."
I smile as I remember his words to me.
Ironically, I'm wearing that necklace right now. I didn't think much of it when I chose it this morning. I just thought it matched the pink sweater I have on, plus it's one of my favorites.
"I - um..." Harry continues after I don't respond right away. "Well, just listen and I'll explain..."
I furrow my eyebrows but nod and let Harry play the song.
I scoot over on the couch while the sound of soft guitar strumming fills the room and cuddle up next to Harry by resting my head on his shoulder and swinging my legs over his lap. He responds by pulling me close to him and cradling me tightly in his arms. I could tell he's overly nervous about this song so I thought he could use some extra comfort.
'Cherry', although it has a somewhat cheery feel to it, is not a happy song. It was clearly written during mine and Harry's break when Harry was feeling jealous over something, and lonely. I can tell he's hurting through the lyrics which causes my heart to break a little.
I snuggle up closer to Harry and rest a hand on his chest where I feel his heart beating abnormally fast. Is it the song? Or maybe just playing me his album in general...he's been on edge all day about it and clearly his tension hasn't gotten much better.
When the song begins to come to an end, I open my mouth to say something but I'm immediately cut off by a change in melody. It sounds as if Harry's added something to the song, like another recording or something.
"Coucou..." I hear a familiar voice say through the speakers in the room. Harry sighs heavily as my heart skips a beat and my face heats up. "Tu dors? Oh, j'suis désolée..."
I listen intently, my eyes watering the tiniest amount. How did Harry get this recording? I know it's my voice but I can't remember for the life of me when this would have been or what we were doing. I rarely spoke French in front of Harry. Only maybe once or twice.
The room falls into a deafening silence once the song officially ends. I stay put, not moving a muscle while I try to wrap my brain around it. My mind is swarming with a millions different thoughts and I'm struggling to control them.
"I wrote that after I thought you were cheating on me with Justin," Harry softly admits after a quiet moment. I pull my head off his shoulder so I can properly look at him, my heart aching at the memory. That was when he called me during our break and said those awful things. "I was so...lost in my head. I know you would never do that but at the time...I just felt so pathetic and I wound up writing this in Japan when I was trying to clear my head."
I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to suppress more tears from coming to fruition.
"And the voice memo?" I weakly ask, unable to say anything else.
Harry rubs his lips together.
"I found it on my phone. I had taken it a couple of years ago when you were taking that French class. We were in the studio and I was mindlessly strumming while you were studying for a test. I think it was an oral examination, I'm not sure, but you began babbling to practice your pronunciation. You didn't realize that I was recording on my phone so I could remember the notes I was playing on the guitar..."
I just stare at Harry, not knowing what to say. Part of me is embarrassed because obviously I wouldn't have spoken if I knew he was recording but...the other part of me is endeared because he chose to add this seemingly insignificant recording into this song.
I lean forward and capture Harry's lips in a kiss, hoping my actions can speak for the words I can't seem to say. Harry quickly responds by moving one of his hands to my cheeks, caressing it softly while he slowly kisses me back.
"I love you," I tell him when we break apart. "I love you and I love the song, even though you were hurting when you wrote it. I don't love that part..."
Harry smiles and kisses me again.
"You're not mad I added the voice recording in?" he asks. He uses the pad of his thumb to wipe a stray tear away from my cheek.
I shake my head.
"No," I honestly answer. "I think...I don't know, I think it adds something. It sounds like part of the song. I don't know how to explain it but I'm not mad, Harry."
Harry grins and pecks my lips again causing a smile of my own to appear.
"Good, I'm glad," he tells me. "I was nervous you would be."
Still feeling overwhelmed, I don't reply but just sink lower in Harry's arms while he plays the next song, called 'Falling'.
'Falling' might actually be worse than 'Cherry' in the sad department. The lyrics have me a blubbering mess and my heart feels like it's about to crack in half by the time it's over. Plus it doesn't help that it's a slow, acoustic song played on nothing but a piano. It just adds to the depressing tone it's trying to portray.
"Don't cry, love," Harry whispers as he pulls me closer to him.
I weakly attempt to wipe the tears away that are streaming down my face but it proves nearly impossible because more and more replace the ones I've rid of.
"You were s-so sad," I cry.
Of course I knew Harry was upset during our break. It was so blatantly obvious yet hearing this song, it strikes me just how sad he was. It never dawned on me that he was at his lowest just like I was. I was so consumed with trying to pick myself up off the floor that I didn't realize Harry was right there with me.
"I was," Harry whispers. He holds me as tightly as he can while I bury my face in the crook of his arm. "But I'm not anymore. I'm happy now. I'm so fucking happy to be with you and to have moved past all those hardships. I wrote this song during a bad time in our lives but we're not there anymore, Amelia. We're right here. We're okay."
I nod and take a deep breath in an attempt to regulate my tears. It works to a degree but they keep slipping out sporadically.
"'F-forget what I said. It's not w-what I meant'..." I mutter, mainly to myself to try and make sense of Harry's lyrics.
"After our fight," he gently tells me. "When I told you I would find someone else..."
My heart aches at the memory. It's almost too painful to even think about.
But then my eyes widen when I remember another lyric. I pick my head up and pull away, looking at Harry through my blurry vision.
"Y-you said 'there's no one to blame but the drink and your wandering hands'...did...did you meet someone else?" I ask but Harry immediately shakes his head.
"No, baby. No, I would never," he frantically tells me and I nod. I believe him. I just needed to hear him say that because those lyrics are - well - suggestive. "It felt like I did though. Not because I had eyes for anyone else but because I threatened to leave you and because of the lies with Lauren Jones. I threw away my devotion for you for a split second out of anger and cowardliness and that, to me, felt like cheating."
I close my eyes, feeling them burn from the saltiness of my tears. I never thought of it like that. I wouldn't necessarily compare it to cheating, though, but I understand what Harry means. It's a metaphor. He didn't cheat on me with another person but he betrayed me like he did.
"You were just angry - "
"No," Harry cuts me off. I open my eyes again and see him giving me a stern look through his glassy eyes. "Don't make excuses for me, Amelia. Yes, I was angry and scared but that doesn't make what I said and did okay. I think about it all the time."
My chest deflates as my heart cracks open a little. I pull my hands away from where they were tucked by my sides and cup Harry's face with them.
"Please don't think about it anymore, Harry," I tell him. "I don't want you to torture yourself over it."
He smiles sadly.
"I could say the same to you. I don't want you to torture yourself over my own misery during that time," he replies.
Touché.
I pull Harry's face towards mine and kiss him for what feels like the hundredth time today. Warm, pillowy lips envelop mine and gently move in perfect rhythm.
We're okay. We're not in that sad and miserable place anymore. These songs might be telling the stories of our difficulties but we're not there anymore. We're stronger together now and have this new, undying love for each other. We grew up.
"I love you, Harry," I tell him when we pull away, our lips only centimeters away from each other. "I love you so much."
"I love you, too, Amelia," he responds. He smiles causing one of my own to appear. "I always will." He pecks my lips twice. "Let's not talk about our fight or sadness anymore, okay?" I nod. "Now would you like a break before the rest of the album?"
Oh jeez, I honestly forgot what we were doing for a second.
"How many more songs are there?" I ask, causing Harry to chuckle.
"Six," he answers. "'Falling' was probably the worst one, though, in terms of...that."
I nod and chew on the inside of my cheek. Can I handle listening to the rest of the album right now? I'm emotionally drained but...I find myself agreeing anyways, desperate to finally hear the rest of what Harry has written.
We listen intently with very little conversation until the last song. 'To Be So Lonely' was pretty self explanatory in terms of what it was about. I found it interesting though how Mitch wrote a majority of it. Harry recalled the story of them writing together in Malibu by the ocean most nights. They'd often stay out until two or three in the morning, just talking and mindlessly strumming on guitars.
'She' apparently was partially written before Harry and I met. He said there was a girl who lived in his daydreams with him and he's convinced it was me. He didn't realize it at the time but he came to that conclusion when he was high off his mind looking through his journal full of song lyrics.
High Harry apparently is very thoughtful and philosophical.
And jumps out of windows.
'Sunflower Vol. 6' was inspired by Harry's feelings during our break. The lyrics made sense to me. When I asked him about the title of the song, though, he said he chose it because sunflowers are my favorite flower. 'Vol. 6' was then chosen because High Harry thought it sounded cool.
'Canyon Moon' was entirely written on the plane ride from Malibu to New York after I called Harry and told him to come home. He said he was so jittery on the plane that he just kept writing and writing and a song ultimately came out of it. It got it's name from his reminiscence on our date nights in Beachwood Canyon. He said he felt peaceful with me there and would go there mentally whenever he was struggling.
'Treat People with Kindness' is another self explanatory song. Harry said he loved the motto I came up with so much that he wanted to create a song out of it. He said he absolutely hated the song when he first heard it back but I guess he wound up hating it so much it grew on him. I know what he means because it's definitely different sounding but...it's kind of catchy and cute. I like it. It definitely cured my bout of sadness from earlier.
When we finally reach the last song, called 'Fine Line', Harry stands up and holds a hand out for me. My eyebrows furrow with confusion, not knowing what he's doing.
"Last one," he whispers. He wiggles his fingers, gesturing for me to place my hand in his. With hesitation, I do and then stand up so I'm in front of him.
When I'm stood up, Harry subtly presses play on the iPod with his other hand and then gently tosses the device onto the couch. Soft music begins playing through the speakers - a collection of what sounds like Harry's voice. It's angelic, really. I'm in a bit of a trance, finding comfort through this song already. It's different than the others.
I'm unsure of what Harry's plan is right now but he takes charge as the melody ultimately changes to delicate guitar playing. He releases my hand and places both of his on my waist. Taking the hint, I wrap my arms around his neck and the two of us begin gently swaying to the music.
"I like this one," I quietly admit, even though it's only just begun.
Harry smiles.
"You haven't even heard the whole thing, love," he says, causing me to shrug.
"I know but...I can just tell it's my favorite."
Harry blushes and I move my head so it rests again the front of his shoulder, right above his heart. I can just barely feel how fast it's beating even under the thick fabric of his white sweater.
"'Put a price on emotion. I'm looking for something to buy'," Harry sings to me along with the recorded version of the song. His voice is light and airy, matching the angelic tone from the beginning of the song. "'You've got my devotion but man, I can hate you sometimes'...."
While Harry and I continue to move mindlessly to the song, I close my eyes so I can fully focus on the music. The lyrics feel more raw and lyrical than the other songs, and more in tune to what Harry and I have been through. It's not about the initial stages of love or about our fights. It's about devotion and acceptance. It's about learning and growth. It's a reminder that although we might butt heads and face turbulence in our relationship, we'll be okay. We've been through enough hardships for one relationship. We're both in this for the long haul now. That's what this song represents.
A smile graces my face when the song picks up and a slew of trumpets join the chorus. Harry's always had a thing for brass instruments. He's told me numerous stories of how he pushed for them in One Direction songs but those ideas just stayed ideas. They never turned into more.
"You know what inspired that lyric? 'We'll be a fine line'?" Harry softly asks me. I hum in response, subtly urging him to continue. "Before we went on our break the second time, you told me we'd be okay and 'we'll be alright'. I didn't know if I believed you at the time but you were right. We were - are - okay. We'll be alright. We'll be a fine line."
My heart twinges at the painful memory. The look on Harry's face from that night will forever be burned into my mind. I don't think about it often but when I do I fill up with remorse and sorrow.
"I'll always love you," he told me, causing me to pull him closer to me. "You're my lovebug."
"I'll always love you, too. More than anything," I responded, my voice slightly small and shaky.
We pulled away just enough to press our lips together in a short, but passionate kiss. I nearly broke down again but before I could, Harry pulled his body away from mine and called the elevator. It opened nearly a second later and he walked in, turning to face me in the process.
"We'll be okay, Harry," I told him before he left. "We'll be alright."
Harry nodded and gave me a small smile. Then the elevator doors closed and Harry disappeared from my sight, causing me to completely breakdown in the loneliness of our apartment.
"I love you, Harry," I tell him, smiling as the memory fades from my mind because I become in tune with the present moment of Harry's body pressed up against mine.
"I love you, too, lovebug," Harry murmurs.
I feel his heart rate increase, straying from the steady rhythm of my own. His body also feels tense and he holds me stiffly. Maybe he's emotionally spent from the past fifty minutes or so. Listening to the entirety of Fine Line has been exhausting. I feel like I relieved our entire relationship. Every song was somehow tied to both of us and tells our complete story up until this point, specifically focusing on the last two years.
"Amelia?" Harry starts speaking once the song comes to an end. We continue swaying to our own beat even though the room falls into silence. "Can I ask you something?"
I pull my head back from Harry's shoulder so I can look at him properly. His cheeks are slightly flushed, his eyes are wide and attentive, and his pink lips are parted as he waits for my response.
"You just did," I cheekily respond. Harry smiles. "But sure."
Harry averts his eyes briefly, glancing around the room before he meets my gaze again.
"Is your biggest fear still falling in love?" he asks.
I cock my head to the side while I ponder the odd question. I've thought about my answer before both on my own and in therapy with Maggie, but I don't think I've ever voiced those thoughts out loud to Harry. He just knows I was terrified of falling in love and worked through that fear but he doesn't know entirely how I feel now about it.
"The concept of falling in love is so....terrifying," I tell Harry. He furrows his eyebrows but before he can interject, I continue. "Its completely unpredictable and unexpected. It's...it's an act of surrender to another person; total abandonment. I mean it's quite mad if you really think about it. But...no, I'm not scared of it anymore because I don't believe in it anymore."
Harry frowns at my answer and a look of hurt crosses his features.
To be expected.
"But - " Harry starts, but I cut him off.
"I didn't fall in love with you, Harry," I tell him, effectively shutting him up. "I thought I did but...falling in love implies that I threw all my caution to the wind and lost control of myself. Sure, I couldn't help the feelings I was developing for you but I wouldn't classify that as falling in love...
"I think...I think the saying most accurate for me was that I grew in love with you. I grew in love with you because it was a very conscious choice on my end. I grew in love with you because it took time to figure out my feelings. And I continue to grow in love with you because I choose to love you every single day. I choose to learn with you. I choose to live my life with you and grow with you....There's nothing sporadic about it because I make the conscious decision daily to love you...to choose you.
"So no. I'm not scared of falling in love because I don't believe in that phrase anymore. It's always been growing into love - I just didn't know it until recently. Loving you is easy, Harry. It's not scary. It's something I willingly choose to do everyday. You're not some temporary fascination. You're my partner, but more importantly you're my best friend."
My heart beats uncontrollably in my chest after the words leave my lips. I didn't realize how true they were until just this moment. I had been thinking about this for a while but I never professed my feelings so bluntly before like this.
I've also never called Harry my best friend before but it's true. He's the first person I talk to when I wake up and the last person I speak to before I go to bed. He's there for me when I'm at my worst and he's there for me when I'm at my best. We build each other up and love each other. That's what growing into love is. I had the phrase all wrong for years.
Harry looks at me with an expression of awe. His face burns red and his mouth has dropped open even more than it was. His eyes are also soft, turning downwards the slightest amount.
We stop moving altogether and just stare at each other with our arms still wrapped around our bodies. I feel his hands tightly grip my waist, holding me in place. But before I can focus too long, he pulls out of my hold and stumbles over to the bag that he brought him, that rests on the chair by the mixing board.
"I want you to read something," Harry tells me, his voice an octave higher than it normally is.
His back is hunched over as he rifles through his bag, looking for whatever it is he wants me to read. Eventually he finds it and when he does he turns around with a stack of papers in his hand.
"What's this?" I inquisitively ask as he passes me the papers. I glance down at them, curious as to what they are, but my eyebrows furrow in confusion.
In my hands are all fourteen pages of that love paper Harry wrote for me when he was trying to win me back about two and a half years ago. Well fifteen, if you count the cover page.
I reached forward and took the papers from Mitch's hand, not quite understanding what they were.
"He's really sorry, Amelia," Mitch said. "He knows he fucked up. He didn't know what to do for the longest time. He was just moping around. Refused to talk to anyone, really. But something in him snapped the other day and he came up with that," he pointed to the stack of papers in my hand.
My eyes watered as I looked at the papers. It was a replica of my senior project - the one where I wrote about him. He wrote one from his point of view, talking about us and his love for me.
"'To Amelia'," the cover page read.
"I've already read this," I tell Harry, not sure why he's giving it to me again. Could he have forgotten?
Harry smiles softly at me.
"I know, baby. But just look at it. Flip over the cover page," he murmurs.
I give him a wary look but do as he says. Maybe he annotated it? Or revised it? It had some grammatical errors the first time that he messily crossed out, however, when I turn the page I find none of that.
It's the original copy of the paper he gave me. I can tell from the slight tear stains I left on it. It looks almost exactly the same as when it was first given to me by Mitch. Almost.
In the top left corner, the first letter of the first word has been highlighted with a pink marker.
'W'
I tilt my head and flip to the next page only to find the same thing - the first letter of the first word has been highlighted.
'I'
Quickly looking through all the pages, I find the same thing over and over again. The first letter of the first word are all highlighted. But why? What does it mean? I keep looking and looking but then it dawns on me...it spells out something.
My heart beats uncontrollably in my chest as I finally put the puzzle pieces together. I put all the letters together in the order I find them and find it spells out a phrase.
'WILL YOU MARRY ME'
My breath catches in my throat. Am I reading that correctly? Nervously, I look up but when I see Harry on one knee in front of me, I drop the papers to the floor and lose my sense of focus.
"I - um," Harry anxiously starts, his voice trembling slightly as he speaks. "I never really understood the concept of love. Originally I only cared about sex and flings and just having fun. That's what I wanted when we first met, actually. I thought you were stunning and was hoping to woo you into my bedroom. Obviously, that didn't happen..."
Harry clears his throat as my eyes begin to water.
"I didn't know what it was about you when we first met but you captivated me," Harry continues. "You became this wild fascination and you completely took over all of my thoughts and feelings. I became irrational because all I could do was think about you. I wanted to be with you and talk to you every single day. I couldn't think straight.
"I - uh - I think I fell in love with you the first day I saw you. I actually did lose control and I threw all my caution away because all I could focus on was you. I was infatuated but...unfortunately, I didn't always love you properly. I didn't know how.
"You're right. Falling in love implies one thing but growing into love is a much better phrase. I'm only just realizing how accurate that is. I fell hard and fast for you and subsequently fucked up along the way because I couldn't keep up with my emotions.
"I reflected a lot after our first break up. That's when I wrote this paper. I was in misery because I realized I had acted too irrationally and I thought I lost you for good. But even then I was determined to win you back. I knew back then I wanted to marry you. That's why I put the subtle message in that paper. I thought it would be putting good energy into the air and maybe I would get a chance to circle back to it...I thought - I thought it might be romantic, I dunno...
"After we had gotten back together, I began to think about our future. I started thinking about marriage and starting a family and our careers and moving to England together. I got ahead of myself though and didn't focus on the present. We were falling apart at the seams and I didn't even realize it until it was too late.
"I thought I lost you for good after our second break. I thought there was no chance in hell you would take me back. How could you? I took advantage of your love after you expressed your concerns to me and I treated you poorly."
Harry adjusts himself on his knee to alleviate some of the pressure.
"I did a lot of soul searching during those months away from you," Harry tells me. "It wasn't easy but I had to teach myself how to grow in love with you. I was already in love and I had already fallen but I didn't know how to grow. Not entirely, anyways. I had to teach myself how to listen and communicate better, and I had to learn how to not get so caught up in my head. I vowed to myself that I would be a better boyfriend should you give me the chance and...well, you did."
I wipe away a fallen tear as Harry reaches into the back pocket of his corduroy pants. He then pulls out a small, velvet jewelry box and holds it out in front of him.
"I choose you every day, lovebug," Harry says. He peers up at me through glassy eyes, making the green in them appear ten times brighter than normal. "I always have but I only realized recently how to show you. I choose to love you. I choose to learn with you. I choose to grow with you. I choose you. I always have.
"I've always loved you, Amelia. It just...took me a little longer to figure out how to do it properly. And I can't promise that I won't fuck up in the future but I will promise that you have my devotion. You're the only one for me. I want to grow old with you. I want a family if you do. I want to spend the rest of my days on Earth with you by my side."
Harry opens the jewelry box, revealing the most beautiful diamond ring I've ever seen. It's a rose gold band with a large diamond placed center on it, surrounded by several smaller diamonds. It almost resembles a flower, causing my heart to nearly burst already more than it has.
"Loving you has been the greatest experience of my life. You make me a better person and guide me towards my most freeing self. I can't imagine a world in where you and I don't coexist," Harry says. He anxiously smiles while I cup a hand to my mouth. "I know marriage is just a concept and a piece of paper but...I dunno, I've always wanted that. I want to spend forever with you. You're my best friend and my forever lovebug. So...what I'm trying to ask is...will you marry me, Amelia Christmas?"
I always thought that if I was proposed to I would be able to hold it together. I never pegged myself for the crier or the one who couldn't even string a sentence together. However, my thoughts are proven wrong because I currently stand in spot with tears streaming down my face as I nod.
"Yes," I somehow manage to squeak out. "I'd love to marry you, Harry Styles."
A huge grin erupts on Harry's face. He shakily stands up and while I wipe my cheeks dry, he plucks the diamond ring out of the jewelry box. I hold my trembling hand out for him and he takes his time sliding the ring on the ring finger of my left hand. I'm not entirely sure how he got my ring size but it fits perfectly.
Both of us giggle like kids on Christmas when the ring is finally on. I take a couple seconds to just admire it but then I abruptly throw my arms around Harry's neck and pull him as close to me as I physically can. He laughs in my ear and picks me up, spinning me around.
I think Harry was right. I also can't imagine a world in where the two of us don't coexist. The concept of fate is so odd and terrifying to me but yet it makes sense for Harry and I. Running into my future fiancé, and soon to be husband, on the streets of New York had to have been fate. It's the only logical explanation, yet it's also completely unsound.
I'd just like to think that someone somewhere, like an angel of sorts, thought Harry and I would mesh well together so they pulled some strings in order for us to meet.
"I've been carrying that ring in my pocket for months," Harry says when he puts me down on the floor. He uses his fingers to wipe away the moisture from under my eyes.
"Really?" I ask him, my voice wavering from my emotions taking over. I sniffle as I grin up at him. "I - I thought...but the paper - "
"I figured if the perfect moment popped up then I would propose then. It was just precautionary."
I laugh as Harry cups my face and brings it closer to his, roughly pressing his lips against mine. Our kiss is hot and explosive, his tongue battling mine as we try to catch up with our rampant emotions.
I know what we'll be doing when we get home.
We're engaged.
We're going to get married.
It feels like a fever dream. It hasn't sunk in completely. I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around it, to be honest. It almost feels too good to be true but...this is real. This isn't something I made up or dreamt. Harry's in my arms and just asked me to be his future wife.
"I love you, Amelia," Harry whispers when we part for air. He rests his forehead against mine. "For all of eternity."
I smile and take a breath to keep myself from crying again. My tears had just subsided but I can quickly feel them forming again, my chest constricted and tears beginning to brim my eyes.
"I love you, too, Harry," I honestly tell him. "Forever and always, love. Until the end of time."
And to think love was once my biggest fear...who would have known what was in store for us.
The End
...
THERE WILL BE AN EPILOGUE
DO NOT PANIC LOL
I know you might be upset with where I ended this book but it felt fitting. I've been planning it for a while now. Hopefully the epilogue will also answer any unresolved questions you have
I don't know when the epilogue will be posted, but I'll keep you posted on my social medias (Twitter and Instagram are zoechristinaxx). The next two weeks are pretty busy for me but I promise I'll get it up when I can.
I also might have some other surprises for you with this book so just keep reading until you hit my final authors note
xoxo