Hi guys!!! How are you feeling? Ughh, I'm hating this, but I'm a pantser and that means I don't know what happens in my books, it's as much of a rollercoaster for you as it is for me. This is a very deep chapter and the ending of the last book was heartbreaking, it would mean a lot to me if you'd listen to 'oxygen' by Jackson Wang. That's what I listened to when I went through this with Madison and I want you guys to be in the world I was in and now without further ado, as always enjoy, guys.
I remember. I remember my mother wearing small black heels with a small black strap at the very top. She wore stockings, so light that they looked like her skin and all I could do was stare at the way her heels clicked so elegantly on the floor, wherever she walked.
I wore similar shoes except with shite thick stockings, a small dress, and long loose dark-brown hair. I could only reach up to my mother's knees but I could still admire her; the woman I wanted to be like and now she's laying in front of me, lifeless; dead. My mother is dead.
"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay." Cody keeps repeating heavily, everything is so disoriented, so blurry but I can't help it but stare, all I can do is stare even though I don't feel like I'm a part of this world; this game of angel and devil.
His arms are holding me tightly, wrapped around me so tightly; too tightly but there's nothing I can do. I barely have any strength to open my eyes let alone take his hands off me. At first, they were comforting but now they're smothering.
I feel so alone, so broken, so cold. I feel like I'm staring at my mother's corpse for what feels like five hours and then I see flashing lights, blinding lights. Blue and red shining into me but I can't tell what's going on and then all of a sudden, they're taking her away.
"Mom!! I call out with the little breath I have left in my lungs. I want to die too, I want to do anything to be with her, one last hug, one last smile from her, I want to smile from her. Anything, I want to do anything but I can't. I'm left alone now, so, so, so alone.
"No, please, please, no," I scream, but I don't actually scream, because my words come out as a mere whisper, my lungs have collapsed and it's all I can do, but they're not listening even if it's with my last breath. I feel like I'm drowning.
"It's okay," Cody repeats again.
"Mommy," I whisper with my very, very last breath. Everything feels like it's moving in slow motion and it's the worst feeling in the whole world. I find myself breathing rapidly as I try to get myself out of Cody's arms but they only grab harder around me, like quicksand. I don't remember how the ambulance got here, I don't remember anything.
"Breath," Cody whispers into my hair. How can he say that? My mother is dead, she's dead, she's never going to be alive again, he doesn't know how that feels.
"Let go of me." I bark at him, my eyes as angry as even as I try to claw my way out of his arms but I can't move. He isn't allowed to decide what I do, he doesn't understand what I'm going through and yet, in the worst moment of my life, he's controlling everything, but he doesn't have the right to; not at all.
"No!" I scream in a cry. I don't know how to express myself and every way I do, goes wrong somehow.
WHAT FEELS LIKE SIX HOURS pass by and I feel sick, I don't know where I am but when I manage to open my heavy and swollen eyelids, I realize that I'm upstairs laying on the couch.
I slowly get up, feeling the headache rush inside of me with the worst pain ever but then comes the even worse pain.
All of this wasn't a dream, It was real. I sit up and try to cry but I can't, it's like my eyes have become a desert and the water that could have been is all finished; all dried up, there's no more. The pain has to stay on the inside and it couldn't feel worse.
I take a deep and very shaky breath but It doesn't even reach all the way down to my lungs like I wish it could. I see Cody behind me, sitting on the floor, asleep, his dirty blonde hair is all over his forehead, his eyelids are closed and he looks collapsed against the hard wall behind him.
I feel numb, as if I should be the one that's dead but I'm not.
I can't believe I don't have my mom anymore and the pain stings harder every time I think about just how bad this is, and it's all I can think about. My feet slowly let me rise from the couch and I find myself slowly walking down the stairs, down the wooden stairs.
I hear the floor creaking beneath me. I take another deep and very shaky breath, this time, my breaths only seem to get worse by the minute.
As soon as I make my way down the stairs I can't help but sit down in the middle of the floor, behind my bedroom, and in front of the small bathroom, exactly where I found my mom. Tears try to escape my very swollen eyes but they can't, there's nothing left to cry anymore. My fingers are shaky as I attempt to steady myself on the hard floor.
I can't believe any of this. I lean down and sink my head into my open hands and sob, the sounds appear but the tears don't.
I don't care if I wake up Cody or if his arms grab me tight, I don't care about anything, I don't even care if Miles doesn't know or if Jace has still left to be in shock. I remove my hands but my head is still leaning downwards and then I spot something under the small shelf next to me.
My mother's phone.
I still don't know what happened and no one is telling me anything, nobody cares what I'm going through, all they care about is taking her away and leaving me strapped behind in Cody's arms.
Flashes of seeing my dead mother laying on the floor with a pill bottle in her hands and pills scattered all over her flash in my mind; the pills that I brought her. I find myself pressing the button on the phone to unlock it and I look through her phone calls, all of them are me, Betty, Jace, and then one unknown number.
My fingers hover above the numbers I don't recognize and just as my finger leans down to press the number, I hear a loud knock at the door and stick the phone into my pocket.