Colt Knox
I've done it now..
Really fucking done it..
I am disappointed in myself, in my weak will and greedy behaviour..
I had bedded the Mafia princess.. And I mean.. I really dicked her down, hot and hard..
I fucked her so many times I lost count.. Every which way I could..
The entire night is now for the birds.. Like a dream.. Unbelievable.. I kinda lost my fucking mind.. Behaved like a low-down-dirty-animal, I wasn't in control of myself..
I mean, It's been a while since I've been with a woman, really I'd been avoiding them for longer than I care to admit.. And Mikki is just so fucking delicious, the combination is a dangerous mix of pent up tension and attraction..
Once I put my hands on her, it was damn near impossible to stop.. Just looking at her, needy, her eyes darkened with hunger, had my cock harder than an iron rod..
I was admittedly relieved Jameson turned up this morning and offered up his truck to bring her home in, because I'm not sure Mikki was looking forward to getting on a horse after what I'd done to her..
And be damned if I don't want to do it again..
Hell.. It was just one night, but me and Mikki made up for the lost time between us.. Over and over.. In every position..
Fuck.. It felt so right to let go with her..
Even if it was wrong.. I can't bring myself to regret it..
Hate myself for it.. Hell yeah..
But regret it?.. No fucking way..
Stressed and stuck in an dishonorable introspective loop, I sit on the edge of the bed, looking over the splayed out weapons and ammunition on the comforter, considering the consequences of what I have done and what I am about to do..
I inspect the Smith & Wesson compact pistol I had lifted from Mikki's handbag.. Tuning the cool steel over the in my hands.. I release the magazine, finding it empty.. No bullets..
Was she carrying it simply for show? I hadn't found any ammo to match in her posession..
Sliding back the action a single .22 calibre love letter pops out of the chamber, landing on the rug at my feet with a soft thud.. I lean down to pick up the discarded bullet, twisting it before my eyes between two fingers..
What good does one bullet do her?
Who is it for?
Angelo maybe?
Shit.. I need more time..
Time that I don't have..
Everything is about to change.. Bringing Mikki into my life was like taking a wrecking ball to a house of cards.. I had structured everything to work the way I needed it to.. Then, in she sweeps, this unchecked force of silk and steel, she is made for destruction..
Now, all that is left remains fragile.. Unbalanced.. And rebuilding won't be an option once the damage is done.. The foundations fractured..
My betrayal is set to salt the earth, ensuring that nothing would ever seed there again..
Not after I hand her over..
Going back to the city is a high risk move and not my first choice.. But the alternative of heading out on the run is worse.. I don't know if Mikki can take it, and I wouldn't want to put her through it, even if she could..
Now that my picture has been posted online alongside hers, it's only a matter of time before my name is out there too.. With the paparazzi sniffing around like bloodhounds, it would be idiotic for us to run..
No.. Running is never the answer..
I need to clear her, if she is to make any kind of escape from her family ties, she can't do it with a missing investigator and a dead security guard hanging over her head..
Whatever his reasoning, I'm damn sure Harris will have a conniption when I tell Mikki the truth without clearance.. But I have no choice anymore.. Against my better judgment, she has sucked me in too deep for me to walk away now.. Sure I have the intel I need.. I believe right now I've earned a degree of trust to where she'd tell me just about anything I wanted to know..
But at what fucking cost?..
Last night, Mikki had completely dropped her guard with me for the first time, and what I saw behind all those defensive spikes, and protective prickles, wasn't the daughter of a mobster..
I found no evil.. No cruelty..
After peeling away the layers of venomous attitude and defensive hackles.. After seeing, being and moving inside her and learning her every tell..
All I discovered was the soft soul of a wounded warrior, seeking any shred of salvation she could find..
A lost woman, looking for revenge.. Redemption.. A reason to live.. Or rather, a reason not to die..
I know I might never see justice, and there probably isn't a new dawn on the horizon for me.. I've always known that... But for Mikki, a new life is still possible.. One where she smiles, every damn day.. If it comes down to a choice between losing a job I don't even like, or her.. The choice is glaringly obvious..
It's her.. Easy.. Every-fucking-time..
Her, with that sparkling lime-soda stare, and the smile of an angel..
Fuck.. That smile..
That smile energises me.. It lights me up inside.. Like staring right at the sun..
Yeah.. It was just one night.. But it changed everything.. Now, I have a new mission directive.. This time, I'm not going to wonder 'what if'..
I will save the girl..
This time things will be different..
I will be a better man.. A man of my word.. Even if it is not what I want.. I will do what is best for Mikki..
A soft knock on the door breaks my concentration..
- KNOCK - KNOCK - KNOCK-
"Errr?" I groan in distracted approval, tucking the single bullet into my pocket and packing Mikki's pistol into my bag..
Juliette pokes her head into my room.. "Hey Honey-Bear, Paw and me are ready to leave for the safehouse and Mikki is waiting for you.. Are you okay in here?"
I nod, standing up and reaching for my jacket, pulling the fleece lined denim over my plain white t-shirt.. "Yup."
Jules enters the room, shutting the door behind her as I begin packing my weapons into the camo-print hunting bag on the bed.. "Wait a minute, Colt .. We need to talk about something.."
"Now's not a great time, darlin'.." I wave her off as she joins me by the foot of the bed.. She watches while I check the clip in my pistol one last time, before replacing it in the holster at my hip..
"It's important.. Can you just stop for a second please?" She grabs my wrist demanding my attention.. So I stop over-preparing and give it to her, undivided..
"Alright, you got it.." I wait for her to speak, feeling uneasy when she shifts her weight from side to side, rubbing her little palms together nervously.. "Juliette? You're being weird.."
"I know about you and Mikki.." She speaks soft, sure and careful, like she's trying to find the best words possible to approach me with..
See, Jules isn't a whole lot better than me when it comes to talking about anything on a level beyond exterior..
I frown at her, unprepared for her leading statement.. I don't know what she expects me to say.. She knows who I am.. She knows what I do.. So she should understand my reply.. "There is no me and Mikki."
She rolls her eyes.. "Really? You're going to keep doing this forever? The lone cowboy, he don't need nothin' from no-one and can't nobody understand him.. It's such bullshit.." She puffs her chest mockingly, putting on a deep stoic tone that sounds eerily like her father.. "You ain't half as tough as you act.. You forget, I know you Colton-Clay-Knox.."
I crack a grin at her and shrug, since she's already giving me shit it seems only fair to give it right back.. "I'm bullshit?.. Pfft, you're one to talk, 'Little-Miss-Juliette-Jane-Chase-Em-Away-Kincade'.." I could take it a step further and mention my run in with Jameson earlier.. Hell, I probably should warn her, but she has enough to manage with the evacuation plans, so I decide against it..
Her mouth falls open as though she is offended, but she quickly recovers, giving me scalding eyes, a glare burning with knowledge and power.. "Whatever, I'll give you that, since you got your back all up cus' you know I'm right.. It still doesn't change the facts, Bear.. I know what I know.. You can deny it till the cows come home, Colton.. But it's obvious.."
"What's obvious?" I probe curiously, finally caving to her cryptic clues..
She stifles a dry laugh.. "That something happened between you two.. Ever since you got back-- you haven't spoken to her.. That's how I know.. You're pushing her away already.."
I feel cornered, and unsure.. I don't want to upset Juliette, and we don't usually talk about this stuff.. She's not a 'talk about her feelings' kind of girl.. At least, she never has been with me..
I mean yeah.. I love Jules.. Of course I do..
But I never say as much.. I mean, I figured I never had to.. She knows.
She must..
I just never say those words aloud.. To anyone.. But especially not to her.. Because I never wanted to say or do anything to muddy the waters of our friendship..
I value her too much for that..
With every intention of shutting down whatever is going on, I sidestep Juliette to circle the room, collecting a pre-programed burner cell from there draw beside the bed.. "Look-- Mikki-- She's complicated.. I don't think a woman like that needs nothin' from a guy like me.. And I ain't got nothin' to offer her anyway.. So there's no reason to go to gettin' into it now, is there.." I try to end it, to be done with talk of Mikki.. Because it just reminds me of all the things I wish I didn't have to do..
"Hey!" She smacks my bicep, scowling at me in annoyance.. "You need to snap out of it.. Quit it with this misery-guts shit and cowboy up!"
I chuckle as I turn rigidly, snapping to attention with a mock salute.. "Yes mam'."
"You can fuck around all you want.. I know you care about her, Colt.. You should tell her as much.. Before it's too late.. Second chances aren't guaranteed, Honey-Bear.. I don't wanna watch you keep screwing it up!" Her gaze bores through to my insides and I feel like an ant beneath a magnifying glass..
But when the glisten of tears begin to glaze her eyes, I sigh, sympathetic.. Seeing how worked up about it all she is becoming, just makes me feel like shit.. I hate to see her sad.. I really fucking hate it.. "Aw damn.. Jules-- Darlin'--"
She shakes her head, big watery tears forming at the edges of her lovely honey-Hazel eyes.. "I know that you promised to be there for me.. And you have been.. You made me believe I could keep living.. You held me up when I was drowning and I'll never forget it.. You made sure I never felt alone.. But.. This--Our relationship.. It's wrong, Colt.."
I shake my head, refusing to believe what she is saying.. Because it's not right.. "No it ain't."
"It is.. I've kept you from so much.. I've been selfish. Letting you take the weight of trying to fill that impossible space.. " She sobs.."Oh Bear, its not right, what we have hurts you, it's one sided and so fucking cruel.. I can't believe what I've done to you.. To your life.. Honey, you do everything for me, you give me so much.. And what do you get in return? Nothing.. You just give-give-give... and all I do is take.. I feel as though I stole your life from you.. But now that you've met her.. I have to give it back.. I have to let you go.. Even if its hard.. Even if I don't want to.. Because I think-- I think she loves you Colt.. And even though I know you'll fight me on this, I think you love her too.."
"Christ.." I shake my head, a little bewildered by her state of distress, her fast-talking sobs.. Seeing Juliette cry is wounding.. And unnerving.. But she has it all wrong.. I've never been an either/or kind of guy.. I keep two homes, I keep two jobs.. Hell, I can keep two identities..I am surely capable of keeping two women in my life..
Well.. I would be, if I hadn't been lying my ass off to one of them..
"Thats alot, you gotta give me a second to let it all sink in, Little Darlin.." I smile reassuringly at her.. "C'mere, sit down.." She crosses to sit beside me as I slump down on the end of the bed.. "You didn't steal nothin' from me Juliette.. And you give me plenty.. You ain't never doubted me, through everything, you've had my back.. And yeah, Kane would have wanted me to make sure you was taken care of, but that ain't it, Jules.. You were always my friend first, and my cousin's wife second.. I'm here, because I wanna be.. Riverland is my home, It's that simple.. You and Clint are all the family I got left.. I make my own choices, every damn day, I always have.. I've been where I wanted to be.. You hear me?"
She nods with a sniffle.. "If you say so.. I just feel so gosh-darn guilty all the time.. I watch you in this pattern of self-destruction, but I can't say anything because I'm no better.. I do the same thing--"
"What pattern?" I frown..
"You know..the one where somebody starts to care about you and you run.." She reaches up to fix my hair affectionately and in reflex to her sudden movement I duck away from her hand..
"I don't do that.." I scoff..
"You do so.. Don't you remember when we were looking for Savvie?.. You and me spent all that time together and we were getting close--"
I stop her.. "That was different.. You were grieving your sister.. and Kane was being a dumbass--"
"Kane and I were broken up at the time and I kissed you, Colt.. That's what really happened.. We were both there, there's no sense denying it.. Then a week later you Joined the Marine Corp.." She folds her arms.. "You couldn't have gotten away from me any faster.. Sometimes I wonder what might have happened if you'd stayed.."
"If I had stayed you and Kane would'a ended up gettin' back together like you always did, and then he would'a beat my ass.. Look, all that was a coincidence.." I sigh.. "I didn't enlist 'cus of you, Juliette.."
"That's how it felt.." She shrugs, looking down at her boots..
"You never said anything.." I mutter, an awkward tension caught in my throat..
"YOU never said anything either!" She throws up her hands with a dry laugh, blinking up at me as if I am a complete idiot..
"I mean.. You don't wanna kiss me now, do ya?.. Cus'--uhh-- I dunno--" I slide away from her jokingly..
"Ew! No! Shut up! We were just kids.." She laughs, easing the tight knots of apprehension in my guts somewhat..
"Thank god.." I sigh..
She narrows her eyes on me.. "What about Lemon? I thought you really liked her, I really thought she might be the one.. But after Kane died, you completely cut her out--"
I take a step back, her accusation like a slap in the face.. "What the fuck does Lemon have to do with this?.."
Bringing up Lemon Lennox kind of feels out of left field.. Sure, I liked the woman well enough.. She's smart and sassy and we had some fun back in the day, but I was never serious about her.. I was never in love with her.. I mean, we fooled around and fit into each other's schedules, but we didn't talk about settling down or anything, and she always swore to me she wanted it that way..
Lemmy is more focused on her high profile career as the Assistant DA back in the city than anything else, what we had was born out of convenience for her and maybe boredom for me.. It wasn't a relationship made to last longer than it did.. Still, even now, I'd call her a friend and as far as I know, she doesn't hate me or anything.. It's not like I screwed her over.. I just screwed her..
"You disappeared into the CIA just to escape her.." Jules looks over the stockpile of guns on the bed.. "That kind of seems like a pattern to me.."
"No I didn't.." I chuckle... "Darlin', you're so far off base.. I took those contracts to pay for the Ranch.. After Kane died, I knew you and paw were gonna need the funds, the kid never was good with money.. Lemon never wanted me to stay, Jules.. She ended it.. Not me.."
Her defensive posture falls and her glare softens.. "Oh.. Well, I never knew that.."
"Obviously.." I snort.. "Darlin', I never wanted you to worry about nothin'.. You didn't need all that shit, with what you were goin' through.. I didn't even think you liked Lemon, you said she was 'sour'..."
She chuckles at her own four year old joke.. "Heh.. You gotta admit.. She kinda is.."
I shrug diplomatically, I know the two of them didn't get along, call it opposing personalities or whatever.. But I have a lot of respect for Lemon Lennox and the kind of woman she is.. "She's a straight shooter.. That's all.."
Jules lifts her hands in concession.. "Okay okay.. So maybe I'm just worrying about nothing?.. Maybe it's just me.. But I swear to god Colt, if you re-enlist to get away from Mikki, I will absolutely kill you.. I can't take you disappearing again.. I really can't.."
I shake my head confidenty.. "I'm not going back in.. At least I ain't plannin' on it.. Unless you know somethin' I don't?"
She clicks her tongue doubtfully.. "I know you still feel like you need to make up for all the bad things that have happened to me.. To us.. You feel like you need to get justice for Savvie.. And take care of Paw.. You feel like you got to live up to all of Kane's potential.. And make sure the ranch succeeds.. But you don't.. You don't owe anything to anyone.. Least of all me.. You've already given me everything, Bear.."
The way I feel about Juliette is deeply fraternal, she is my baby-sister, I would die for her so it warms me to see just how well she knows me, and just how much she cares.. "Aw hell, 'n I'd do it all again.. But you're right little darlin'.. I guess have been using ya'll as an excuse not to go some of the places I been afraid of goin'.." I wince, because I know what she means..
"We both have.." She admits..
"Can't hide from what's out there forever, huh?" I hum..
"I don't think we can hide from this, Colt.. I want you to be happy.. More than anything.. No matter what it means for us.. And Mikki is different.. You'll never meet another girl like her.. If there's anything there, Honey-bear, you have to tell her how you feel.." Juliette reaches out to squeeze my hand in hers..
"I'm gonna try.. I just don't know how... You know, I don't know how to be any different than what I am.. How I am.. None of that matters anyway, cus' whatever happens, we're family, you're always going to be a part of my life, Juliette.. It's not one way or the other.. It's not you or her.. You never gotta let me go, ya hear?"
I pull her in, wrapping her little frame in my arms and she smells like spring flowers.. "Everything's gonna be alright, Little darlin.. You know I love ya, don't ya?.." I kiss the top of her head as I mumble those three words that I know she needs to hear.. Juliette has been abandoned enough.. I won't add to her hurt.. And it is the truth..
I should be able to say the words if they're true..
She sniffs, wiping her nose on my shirt.. "Now I do, 'n I love you too, Bear.. So much.."