JK's POV
"Hey, I'm only a call away. I can drive you straight to Busan tomorrow if you want. Just let me know." Sejin hyung offered with utmost concern. He drove me straight back home from practice. If I tell him to sleep over, I bet he would say yes without a doubt. He'd stay all night talking to me over fried chicken and beer just to make sure I was fine. Looking at his worried eyes, I bet he's waiting for me to invite him in. But I won't. I need some time alone. I don't want to be with anyone right now. I just want to shut the entire world and have my thoughts and feelings all to myself.
"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine." I faintly smiled.
I waved him goodbye as I watched him drive out of sight.
Finally, Alone at last. I let out a deep sigh.
The security greeted me cheerfully as he opened the door for me. I just bowed and kept my head low until I reached the elevator. I didn't have the energy to pretend I'm alright anymore.
There was nobody else in the lift with me and I couldn't be more thankful. I closed my eyes and waited what felt like years until I reached my level of this grand tower. It took a few seconds before the doors opened. Enough for me to see my reflection.
Hold it a little more JK. Just a few more steps and you can be your true self.
As I neared the front door, I was already imagining myself laying face down on my cold pillows. My eyes felt heavier by the second. I don't know how much longer I can keep it together. I need to be alone fast.
I entered the passcode at the speed of light and as soon as I was in, I didn't care where my shoes went. I just forcefully took them off and turned the corner.
Just a few more steps JK. Just a few more.
Damn luck though. Someone was on my way.
Of all the freaking times that you should show up, why now?? Why the hell now?! I stabilized my breathing and blinked away the heaviness in my eyes.
She had her back towards me which was okay. I was in really bad shape. I don't want her to see me like this. After the stunt, I pulled off earlier, she can't, she shouldn't see me this way. I just wished she would go straight to her room without even looking back. But she remained frozen though.
Just go. Please.
But I must say, life has its funny little tricks. Whatever happened to the Law of Attraction??!
"You're back!" She awkwardly greeted me. I can tell she was trying her best to sound cheerful not to mention the fact that she just flashed her fist at me to see. I would've laughed at this no doubt, but this just wasn't the right moment.
I knew how hard it must be for her to avoid my eyes. We left off on a sour note and sure enough, she's not ready to reconcile with me whatsoever. So instinctively, I should've done the same and steered clear from her. I could've just walked past her without any explanation because I have every right to do so. I couldn't care less of what she thinks because she doesn't give a damn about me anyway. So the feeling should be mutual.
So what are you waiting for JK?
Why are you still pinned in the same spot?
Get yourself moving already!
...
But I didn't.
I remained still. I felt myself quivering inside but I stayed motionless.
I waited.
I waited for her to meet my eyes.
What the hell JK?! What do you think you're doing?! You've held yourself together far too long! Get yourself in your freaking room this instant!
I can hear the voice in my head screaming at me. But I refused to listen. All I can hear is the beat of my heart thudding loudly in my chest.
Don't fight it.
Look at me.
Look into my eyes, Rozie.
When her eyes finally met mine, it was as if something was unlocked inside of me.
Her eyes were quickly filled with so much concern as she saw the condition I was in.
If I was in the right state of mind, I would've put up a straight face and hide my weakness through angry but empty words. But I didn't dare try. I know I should. I know. But deep in myself, I want her to see how fragile I am right now. That I'm no longer the tough version I pretend to be in front of everyone else. I badly want to understand why I am being like this but I'm in no position to comprehend things clearly anymore. I just want her to see me as me.
The heaviness in my eyes has made itself felt once again. A part of me is still trying to fight it I can tell. But the more I try to act against my will, the harder it is to breathe.
She took a step closer now and that just made everything feel better and worse at the same time.
"What happened?" Her voice. Even just the sound of her voice makes me tremble.
She reached out her hands towards me but she withdrew them by the next second. She was considering how I'd feel about her invading my personal space. But damn. I couldn't care less. Touch me now. Take me in. I beg you.
She took another step forward. We are a foot away from each other now and I feel myself unraveling by the second.
My eyes never left hers. She had a lot of questions I know. I have a lot too. I don't know about her but the answers I've been looking for are here. Right here in this very moment.
I haven't spoken a word up until now. I want to speak through my eyes what my lips have failed to do all this time. I don't know if she can hear my heartbeat but it sure was deafening me. It has finally silenced the voice telling me that this was all a big mistake.
And as if she can read my mind, she put her hand where my heart should be, and felt each beat pounding as if it has just come to life. I closed my eyes for a second and felt the warmth of her touch. It was comforting. It was all I needed.
When I opened my eyes, she was smiling warmly at me now. And I swear to God, I suddenly felt light-headed but calmed at the same time. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
Again, I'm starting to be convinced she can read my thoughts. She said softly, "I don't know exactly what you're going through right now. But, I think you badly need a hug. So, come here."
She placed her hands on my shoulders and softly pulled me towards her. And without any restraint, I let her. Her face was like an inch from me now and I can feel the warmth of her breath. My eyes started to become fuzzy all of a sudden. The next thing I know I was in the comfort of her tight embrace. Her heart beating against mine.
Only the people who really know me are aware that I do not wish to be hugged or receive any sort of comfort through physical contact when I face these circumstances. But concerned as they are, they often forget this and I let it pass. I struggle though which is why I wanted to be alone so badly.
But this moment, this feeling, everything about what's happening right now is a question mark. I've never been this vulnerable. I never let myself be so defenseless. I always got my shit together. I always excel at everything I do. People didn't name me as the Golden Maknae for nothing. So this moment was not how it should be. I'm failing everyone. I'm failing myself.
My mind was at war with my heart. And I know for a fact which side was winning.
As she caressed the back of my head gently and said, "It's okay. Just let it out. I'm here for you."
I've been defeated.
My hands that were still fixed on both my sides started to move like they have a mind of their own. I didn't fight the feeling anymore. I'm tired of fighting it.
I tightly wrapped my hands around her waist and felt myself shaking as hot tears escaped my eyes. I have let myself break down into pieces. I have set myself free of all the pretensions. I have let myself fall apart. Because behind the glory and fame, the back-to-back wins and awards, the confidence and boldness that everyone expects from me is just a fragile boy longing for a warm, tight embrace.
I have hidden from you for so long. But I face you now.
Gwaenchana, Jungkook-a. Gwaenchana.
_____________________________________________________________
To be continued...