A/N: hi babes :) bold writing = flashback
Billie
"are you sure you wanna do this?" lola asks me hesitant, while reading the label on a bottle of bleach.
"yes. we already laid the plastic down. i'm not picking that shit back up. and also.. it's time" i tell her after taking a deep breathe and clutching a pillow to my chest.
i was sitting on the toilet seat in the bathroom and lola was standing above me.
"you know this is gonna take like... a hella long time right?" she says, still reading the bottle.
"yeah well it's already long over due so might as well start the process now" i shrug.
"okay" she says cheerfully. "did i mention you're making a terrible decision trusting me with you're hair?"
"what?"
"nothing." lola says quickly with a cheeky smile.
i shake my head with a soft laugh. lola doubts herself a lot. there's a bunch of things she's crazily good at that no one even knows but me..
she's great at doing hair. and yet she says she has no interest in it, i still think it's a talent that could go far.
but who knows?
she can practice on me in the meanwhile and maybe it'll hit her then.
"wait." she says standing up from searching for something under the sink. "what if it's not safe? for you know.. you and the baby"
"nah, i know for a fact there's nothing too toxic in it. don't worry. i've bleached my hair like fifty million times and i'm not dead" i say casually and she nods.
lola pulls out a bowl and dye brush. she opens up the bottle of bleach and we both immediately shriek.
"oh god.. it's so bad!" lola says covering her nose with her shirt. and i cover my nose instantly.
"open the window in my room!" i say slightly coughing and lola runs to my bedroom.
"jesus crisis... my eyes burn god damnit" i wine rubbing my eyes and when lola comes back she's fanning herself.
"okay. open bottle next to the window next time. noted" she says, a little shaken and panting bit. i nod but can't help and laugh at her state just before pouring the bleach to a measured amount in the bowl.
from the looks of it it looked like she knew what she was doing
sorta
but i trust lola, and even if it backfires we can just fix it so it's never too much harm done.
as of now, i can't go to the hairdresser cause well..
i don't want the public or the media to know about me till i'm at least almost due
and yeah, i know that's far, and sort of a lot to ask for but it'll keep the weight and stress of off me during these trimesters. so my strategy is to stay as lowkey as possible.
"okay. let's get started" lola says starting to apply to my hair and she was right
it did take ages
and ages for what i wanted to take shape.
☆
Lola
a month later
"okay... on the count of three" billie says staring at herself in the mirror.
"i'm scared what if it goes wrong?" i reply puting a finger to my teeth anxiously.
"shhh, don't manifest that" billie says looking over at me in the mirror. she holds a small pair of scissors in one hand and a few stands of her hair between her other two fingers.
it's been a long way to get here.. and has been a even longer month of packing to move into billies new house and while also taming her infamous tresses.
"okay okay.. do it- no no i can't watch.." i cover my eyes. " no- okay! do it"
all i can hear is the snip of hair in one quick motion, nervous, but when i uncover an eye billie was now standing there with bangs in her platinum locks.
oh my god
she quickly unleashed a smile and started messing with her hair. i covered my mouth.
"you have bangs!"
"i have bangs!"
we both squeal excitedly. i run next to her appearance in the mirror to get a closer look at the all new girl.
"oh, billie you look amazing..." she turns to me with a laugh and i hold her hands. "you look so good!"
"really? you think it's me? you sure it fits? oh my god what if i look like a mom- do you think i look like a mom?" she rants and i chuckle.
"you are a mom..."
"touché"
she really looks beautiful. different. but in a good way. i couldn't say she wasn't different in general either, seeing as just this past month so much has changed and will change. she's getting older.. and by that i mean her birthday is literally right around the corner.
i grab the scissors from of the bathroom sink and grin as i hold them out.
"now let's feather it" i say slyly and billie nods a bunch with a kooky smile.
"yes, yes yes" she says excitedly.
"where do you want this?" a voice interrupts
and finneas and their dad stop by the bathroom door both holding a rocking chair. billie and i turn to look at them.
"in the baby's room... obviously" billie chuckles.
we were also unpacking everything into her new house and her family decided to help just because.
they were sweet like that
as you would assume, it took billie a while to tell her brother and dad that she was keeping the baby. i hate to say i had to force her but if i didn't she probably wouldn't have to them until (quoted for finneas) she was going into labor.
fin was pretty taken back by it for a few minutes but he of course respected billies decision not too soon after. and yes, he thinks it's insane that he's gonna be an uncle before billie is even an aunt.
and her dad, well it was a pretty decent conversation. she just told him straight up, she cried a little but it ended out in a tender hug.
shit even i cried
it was so sweet
and the way billie told maggie was actually quiet cute...
march 28th 2021
"okay, okay pose" billie directed maggie as she holds up her phone.
maggie has a card in her hand but she has no idea what it says nor why billie had her holding it.
"billie, what are you doing?" maggie laughs.
"ah, shh, just smile" billie tells her, playfully rolling her eyes.
"okay. i'm smiling" maggie says going back to smile for the picture. "can i look at it now?"
"yes. go for it. just look. damn" billie says fake frustratedly, maggie laughs a flips the sign around.
"happy birthday.. grandma" maggie reads aloud and then looks up at billie in complete shock.
"surprise!" billie says with casually with a slightly strained smile.
i wish so badly i was there to see her reaction
since i'm too small and billie is well.. in a delicate condition
we can't necessarily move all of the big shit that needed to be brought over to the new house. we needed lots of help, and that definitely wasn't an unknown thing.
but as they did so... we decide to sneak away and juj up billies hair a little bit.
"i'm kinda mad at myself" i say looking off to the side.
"why?" billie says facing me with a frown after going to stare at herself in the mirror again.
"well, i noticed your hair getting a lot longer all of a sudden... i should of know. you were pregnant than" i shrug.
"oh please. that doesn't necessarily mean that " billie rolls her eyes and shoved me a little bit.
"for you it does. and can you blame me?" i get closer to her. "you look so pretty. all the time. it's natural for me to just get caught up in staring at you."
i giggle and she blushes pretty hard and looks at the ground.
"you're really glowing billie. not just physically but also mentally and it's been so long since we've had a bad week, well, you.. i'm really proud of you"
"i guess it's all in perfect timing seeing as i start therapy next week, so good thing i won't go in there crying the second i step in... and all a mess-" she laughs and i join with her shaking my head.
"i guess i've just been pretty distracted and busy. i haven't even had time to think, you know? with.. moving in and figuring out how i'm gonna do my job and still take care of someone else.. and also not have the media in my business, and oh, finding a midwife- geez"
she then looks off and thinks for a minute and i look at her,
like hello... it's clear
"or i can be your midwife" i suggest and billie looks at me again with a small smile. "i mean, i've been studying a lot, just for you. and i already know you.. like really really well and you trust me, so it would just make everything better. also i'm smart"
i end my sentence with a smile and billie laughs, she places her hands in my hair.
"you are very smart" she says, giving me a kiss on the lips and i smile with bliss.
"mmm" i hum as she pulls away to look at me.
"and i do trust you so much" her voice was sweet, and comforting. classic billie. "but i think you have be licensed for that"
"so what? screw it. since when are you one to play by the rules anyways?" i ask her raising a brow and she looks up and weighs her hands.
"true" she sing songs and i told my arms.
"you would definitely.. definitely put the wife in midwife" she slurs, my eyes open wide as i laugh. and get completely flustered.
"billie!"
"oh yeah" she smiles slyly and nods. her teeth show more now at days and her eyes lit up when her cheeks raised and she laughed like a god.
i'm so in love.
"come on, let's go see if they broke anything" billie says linking arms with me as we exit the bathroom and walk through the wide balcony space.
"i wonder if i should put a hammock chair in my room..."
"oh you totally should- and with lights" i say nodding.
"hey.. that's a good idea!"
billie
"billie!"
claudia approaches behind lola and i and we both get startled for a moment before realizing it was just her.
"jesus crisis" i put my hand to my heart and breathe out, claudia circles us with a big smile and adds to be one third of our linked arms.
"oh. my. god." she starts. and i can't help but laugh because i know whatever it is, is gonna be about some suggestions for the baby...
out of everyone i already told... claudia was the most excited to find out i was pregnant. most because it gave her extra aunt advantages to do the style and diy part of his upbringing/baby hood. she's been feeding me tips and room decor styles and schedule ideas from the day i broke the news to her.
she won't shut up about it
but i can't say it isn't adorable how much she cares. i do love her so much and it was nice so see her so excited.. she said she thinks it's "cute" and that it's good for me. also, because it was me before her... she may also be trying to get a bit of practice in there before it's her turn ironically.
"you have to let me paint a moral in his bedroom. you just have to... right above the crib i say and i've been thinking and the color scheme would be really gorgeous as like a stone blue and olive green . since the walls are grey, oh! and it has to be his name.. wait- have you thought of any names?" she speaks really fast but i've been around her long enough to know every word of it.
"nope. not at all" i chuckle . "i practically forgot i even had to give him a name... and i'm literally clueless"
"well, you better come up with one quick because people are gonna be wanting to know for the baby shower. gifts?" she raises a brow at my easygoingness.
"baby shower???" i stop in my tracks and start laughing. "who said i was having one of those?"
i look at her as if she was crazy with a small blown away type smile on my lips. claudia rolls her eyes and places a hand on my shoulder.
"billie" she says in a sigh and i narrow my eyes at her.
"you have so much to learn. if this is gonna be you're first.. your gonna want a shower to remember this. this time of your life is so so important right now. why not go all out?" she suggests.
"i mean... she's not wrong" lola pitches in.
"you're in on this too!?!" i gasps and turn to lola, she shrugs with a sly smile.
"she didn't lie. you're gonna wanna remember these things... and you're really privileged be able to even have that option seeing as a lot of girls don't. plus overall what if he wants to know if he had one? or what it was like before he was born?" lola points out.
they both do have points
but i dunno, i never even thought about it. the idea was two sided and i can't say it would be off because the whole point of me keeping him isn't as a punishment.. but for me to start a new life and flip it around a little.
and... i guess it would be pretty sweet to have a little celebration of that. and him especially. recently, it's been a little weird. i can't believe i'm saying it that way but, i've been feeling... connected to him.
which sounds stupid because we literally are but i don't know... i just feel like i kinda wanna hold him?
this is so strange
i don't even know him yet and i sorta kinda love him. it's weird. how do women do this?
"not you guys trying to really convince me" i play it off as if i wasn't even giving it thought.
"come on b, don't you think you at least deserve it?"
"yeah but.. i dunno, i don't really want people in my business." i keep walking again as i play with my fingers.
"but you'll get free gifts! what's better than that?" claudia keeps going.
"i can afford my own shit" i laugh looking at the taller girl.
"but you'll get a shit load of stuff that you will desperately need that you didn't even know you needed once he's here.. billie, your gonna be overwhelmed when he's here. don't you think it's a good idea to let people with a little more experience give you helpful things so you're not pulling your hair out? you can't tell me you know exactly everything you need." lola says and i stop in my tracks.
"that's true.... i'm gonna need- stuff" i say, clearing my throat a bit. i didn't think about that.
i don't know what he needs. shit. all i know is diapers.
"and everyone will have to pamper you and tell you how pretty you look" claudia nudges me.
"that's already my life" i roll my eyes playfully.
"but you guys do have a good point. i kinda do want that for him.. but mostly because i need that stuff"
i laugh and tuck a strand of my golden hair behind my ear and lola and claudia grin at eachother.
"so, do you want a baby shower now?" claudia asks softly and she tilts her head in anticipation for my answer.
i look at the two girls and fold my arms.
who am i to say no to those faces?
or the little one.. in my stomach right now... probably listening to this entire conversation.
i mean screw it
"yeah. fuck it" i say with a shrug and she girls smile happily.
"yay! i have so much planning to do.. oh my god. it's gonna be beautiful" claudia says to herself, some by me and lola, and the other half as she walks away.
"she... is ecstatic" lola cracks up and i shake my head.
"you would think she was the one giving birth in five months"
☆
"what the hell is a footboard?" i ask, reading some directions on an instruction sheet in front of me.
finneas was sitting down looking at parts to set up the crib. claudia was down there with him and lola was by me.
"i thought there was only one board. the headboard... what is the need for other boards? and why is this only in french?? you know french lo, help me-"
"okay, one, your holding it upside down...." lola adds, taking the piece of paper and flipping it the right side up for me.
"ooh, there's the english" i say, laughing off-beatish.
"give me that" finneas says taking it out of my hands and stepping back down to the floor, my jaw drops. "you two are no help"
"hey" lola whines.
"i'll kill you" i say.
"why do we even have to set it up now anyways.. won't he be sleeping with you for like a few months?" lola says, walking away to one of the few boxes in the room.
"or, we set it up in your room and just move it back in here when your ready" claudia looks up at me from the instructions finneas was holding and i cross my arms.
"no, the bassinet is going in my room. the crib is staying in here.... i ordered a king sized bed. there's no room for both"
i didn't want them to know i just wanted them to all hang around for as long as possible before i'm really on my on...
i know i won't be completely alone because i have lola, and i really do love that, but i just like being surrounded by my family.
and maybe i was a little nervous
but it's no secret that i needed as much help as i can get right now.
"besides, i just want everything done as soon as possible so there's nothing to worry about once he's here. well, at least material wise..." i trail off as i open a box of photographs from my childhood.
lola stood in front of me as we looked through them and it was pretty quite for a moment besides finneas and claudia's discussing. lola and i flipping through picture by picture since i was also making this room the little memory room.
i thought it was cute and a good idea since the baby will basically start growing up in here... so he can kinda see me and his family before he met us.
or at least until he's old enough to want to put his own things up on the walls.
"hey, b..." lola speaks up but in a lower tone so only i could hear.
"yeah, babe?" i answer her absentmindedly as i put a box to the side and open up another.
"what.. are you planning on telling him if he asks about his dad?"
she stops moving as much to look up at me. i stop what i'm doing also and fidget with the photos a little as my mind sorts of goes blank.
"i- uh... i'll figure it out. i don't really wanna think about that right now." i say calmly, fighting back what i truly wanted to say..
which was: he won't
but i have no control over that, it's in natural humanness to want to know something like that, and of course, i know that. but i just think for me and his safety he doesn't need to know about brandon. at least while he's still too young to understand..
"well, yeah i figured... which is why it took me so long to ask" lola says, putting another pile of photos aside. she takes a breathe. "but i also know it's a big part of a kids life and you know- maybe you have a plan, maybe you don't-"
"i think he'll be fine. until i'm ready.. i'll just tell him he's not in our part. yeah?" i say, getting a little fidgety which i tried to push away.
"yes. but i don't really think it's about you billie. if it's what he wants..."
"he won't know what he wants. he won't know him. and that's all that matters. he doesn't need him and he never will... he has me. and i'm gonna take care of him. he is mine. that- psychopath will never know him either. and i'd very much like it that way. okay?" i say more stern and i didn't know why but my heart was just pounding.
i could hear it throughout my ears.
lola nodded and looked away, but i could see finneas look up at me from the corner of my eye and he had a look on his face.
i swallowed hard and just went back to looking at photos. even though i started to feel terrible...
his look was purely just furiousness and anger.
i closed my eyes and sighed. i didn't mean to blow up at lola like that and i definitely didn't mean for finneas too hear that..
i just don't want to piss him off more about this.
he despises brandon.
and anytime anyone brings him up he just goes haywire.
now, the room was pretty cold. and i felt bad. so bad.
i really didn't mean to get so defensive and i hate that i can't communicate better. nowadays i just avoid all this shit the best i can..
so i left and circled the short corner to my new room.
i layed on the floor of the practically empty space and cradled myself.
i guess the reason why thinking about brandon having anything to do with my baby made me so heated because i was scared.
that he would find out and try and take him from me like he does with everything i own..
he's always taken what's mine. easy. and clean. there's never been any power from my end when it comes to him..
it's just one thing that's mine. anything. and like that he comes in a just steals it from me...
my childhood. my mind. my virginity. my willpower.
the rest of my life...
i close my eyes and a tear comes running down my face.
it's been a couple weeks. good weeks. that i haven't even gave him a thought.
i've finally been doing good. i really have gotten to a better place in my life but it's always that darknes sin the back of my mind...
and now that i did give it a thought today.. it's takes up my whole mindset, my body, my day. and i just can't let it go.
i can't let him go.
i just want this
this one thing. to myself.
to have this baby and raise him on my own. to prove to myself that i'm capable of it. to prove to him this is something he cannot have.
he. won't. take. this. from. me.
i'll never not put up a fight. i'll never not resent him forever. and i will never let my son call him 'dad'
no fuck that!
i was so frenzied, and angry, and upset and with this intense feeling that i almost didn't realize i just felt something i never felt before..
i could feel a tumbling motion from my lower stomach.
my eyes open, and it felt like a buttflies sensation that you get when your nervous or even falling in love. but no. that wasn't it..
it was him.
and that made so much sense
i couldn't tell exactly, but i could definitely feel light movements, and just that terrified yet dazzled me.
i shut my eyes and place my hand tenderly over my stomach as my heart sinks in satisfaction. yes i was crying. tears slip down my cheek and i let out a deep breath.
i know people will twist my story. try and see the negative in it. blame me. hate me. ask me why. say it was my fault for his actions
but all i want from it is for them to just understand.
what i've been through. why i still fight. why i try my hardest to never look back. why i change. why i grow everyday. why i decided what goes and what doesn't.
because it's just life
and this is mine
and i chose what i want to do with it.
☆
Finneas
i walk down a pretty grungy hall as these two security guards lead in front of me.
i've been wanting to do this for a long fucking time
i uncuff the bottom of my jacket sleeves as one of the men nod their head at me, just before opening up a heavy door into the visiting room.
there was only a few other people close by me as i take a seat at an empty clump. the only thing separating them from some person in a orange suit.. was the glass divider across the long counter.
dirty.
i promised myself i wouldn't touch anything in here. i already despised having to talk through this phone once it comes time.
my fingers tapped against my thigh and my leg bounced against the ground.
i'm nervous that my willpower won't be strong enough to hold back from reaching through this glass and grabbing him by the neck once i see his face.
but they made me promise i'd behave
it was a easy contract...
if i make so little as one movement at him they could arrest me right then and there.
i couldn't risk it
i hear a large door open from the corner of the room and another security guard comes out restraining him by the cuffs and leading him to the seat in front of me.
i perk up in my seat as my teeth grit and my hand makes an easy fists at the sight.
we both reach for the phone immediately at the same time.
"aww, it couldn't be nicer to finally see you like this... you look good in orange might i say" i grin, as i prep my arm up on the counter and grip the phone a little tighter. he laughs.
"i knew you missed me white boy" brandon says with a charming smile.
☽
thought I knew what I wanted, I never saw you comin'
☽
A/N: don't get your panties in a bunch. this book still isn't ending any time soon... you have no idea the tricks i have up my sleeve
never settle 😉
i love you
xoxo
- skye ♡