Jennie's pov
Awards shows scare me the most in this industry. I thought as the years passed my anxiety would have calmed down, but to no avail, if anything its gotten worse. All eyes are on you, you cant hide, cameras following you at all times making sure you're perfect and If you aren't its all captured and in the news the next day. "Jennie Kim seen looking at RM and smiling a little to hard. Dating?" The comments I got the next day the article came out still haunt me. Little things matter when you're a celebrity in Korea. Im always thankful and know Im blessed but somedays I wish I listened to my mum and went to America to finish my studies. I wonder who I would be now, had I chosen a different path. the lingering thought If I did choose a different life perhaps I could have loved who I wanted without thinking about the consequences.
I never cared about dating because for so long to become a singer was the only love in my life and it was enough. That was until I met her. No concert or fan meetings could fill the spot she left in my heart. When she smiled, when she sang to me, or when we sat in silence while I lay my head on her chest and listened to her heart. Nothing compared to it. If only I hadn't fallen for her than this would be enough for me, I would be how I was and not feel this emptiness, once you have experienced something that special theres no going back I learnt this the hard way.
I hate it, all the responsibility of being perfect haunting me, I feel my anxiety slowly creeping up on me. My minds racing and I can feel my body agitating but I cant control it. Im in my head and its racing my breathing becomes ragged and im trying my best to snap out of it but I can't.
"Breathe" jisoo whispers into my ear. She grabs the hand I didn't realised was clenched.
"Breathe" she says again, I focus on her voice and do as she says.
She smiles sweetly at me quietly counting to ten. I take one final deep breath.
" thank you unnie" my hearts still beating like crazy but jisoo's managed to calm me down.
"When it gets to much hold my hand, and don't forget I'm here. Where all here you never have to go through anything alone okay" I nod my head and smile, her voice soothing my inner demons.
All of a sudden loud screams are heard. I turn my head and it's her.
" I LOVE YOU SOOJIN"
"MIYEON MARRY ME"
"IDLE STANS"
(Let's pretend covid doesn't exist )
I laugh a little seeing how flustered Soojin is, god she looks good. Her white dress sticking to her body showing her off in all the right places, her hair wavy and long. My favourite thing her famous red lips. She looks amazing and happy, genuinely happy. Shuhua's holding onto her tightly I can tell Soojins trying to act cold but I know her it's an act that most people would believe.
The way she looks at Shuhua reminds me of a time where she use to look at me. As if she can feel my eyes she looks right at me, she half smiles and looks away. It hurts seeing her look at me like that, like I don't matter. But it's what I deserve, I hurt her even though it killed me aswell. But these are the consequences I have to face.
Ughhhh, fuck I should just move on and let her be. I should but I know I can't, not yet.
.........................
Soojins pov
Shuhuas been acting.... strange. Not necessarily with me but with Minnie, I feel bad because I know it's because of me. Shuhuas been distancing herself from her ever since we became offical. Oh god, just the thought Of us two now together for real makes me so happy. Things are finally falling into place, I know its a risk and that still scares me but she's worth it.
"Yah, Yuqi! Why are you eating now where getting food soon" shuhuas loud mouth says angrily to the munching yuqi.
"IM HUNGRY SO WHAT! AND I CAN EAT AGAIN" yuqi says between her chewing.
"You two stop, where in front of people" I say sternly. They both sit back in there chairs glaring at each other.
"Shuhua" she looks at me reluctantly.
"Stop, there are people around watching everything we do keep that in mind"
" fine" she says with attitude. I grab her hand caressing it slowly. Her eyes move to my own, there it is the smile that I adore.
" you look absolutely stunning" it's taking everything in me to not stare at her this entire show.
"Thank you" she says cutely going in to kiss me. Forgetting where I am I don't move, luckily she moves back in time, she has a shocked face but I just smirk. The company likes it when we do fan service so we won't get in trouble as long as it doesn't go to far.
"Yah! You're suppose to move away" I just laugh by her cute reaction.
"Okay thats enough, people might start to speculate" I say while removing myself.
"Soojin,dont worry so much about what others think we might be idols but where still human okay" she softly says.
I sigh, thats what I've always admired about Shuhua. No matter the circumstances she has never changed who she is, she's strong. She reminds me of who I use to be before the fame, I never cared what people thought but certain circumstances can change that.
" I wasn't always like this, its just that when so many people have an opinion about you and say so many negative things. No matter how strong you are, it can be to much." she smiles and holds my hand tighter, she understands me with no words needed.
"I love you" she says lowly, making my heart swell with emotions before I can reply the first act of the night starts.From my side view I can see she's smirking knowing she made me flustered.
I love you too.
............................
Jennies pov
"BLACKPINK!" This is our 2nd award today, I'm standing next to my members and I can tell they're all worried about me. We put on our perfect smiles but I see the nervous expressions they hold. I can't breathe, this dress is to tight, the lights are to bright everything's to loud. My eyes are darting around and my breathings shallow. Everything is just to much, the longer I'm up here the more I feel myself losing control.
"Jennie are you okay" it's Lisa I know, but the only thing I can do is nod. My mouth can't open, I'm trying to focus but I can't, everything is just to much. Everyone's voices are faded and I feel like I'm going to pass out. I need to get off this stage, but I can't and that makes me even more panicked. I can't do this. How much longer do I need to do this. I want to cry, no matter how hard I try I can't control myself, it feels as if I'm dying. Even in this state I still know not to show my emotions atleast I can control that.
I feel my members dragging me off the stage, we must be finished, I should feel relieved but my emotions are still everywhere, where trying to get back to dressing room but there's people everywhere touching me. I grip onto Lisa and close my eyes, I still can't breath properly, this isn't the first time I've had a panic attack but this is one of the worst. I have to keep reminding myself that it will stop and it's only for a moment but right now even though I know this it feels as if I won't come back.
"Everyone out!" Jisoo yells. My eyes are still closed but I'm sure They're gone.
"Jennie it's jisoo, breathe follow my breaths 1,2,3-"
I'm trying but I can't, her voice just irritating me. She goes to grab me but I quickly pull away.
"Don't touch me!"
"Jennie, you need to calm down okay"
Nothings working, I let my tears fall and pull my body to myself so I'm in a ball.
Every bad thought is going through my brain fuelling my anxiety.
Soft hands delicately caress my face, the hand somehow familiar and comforting.
"Jennie" a soft voice says. Her hand slowly lifts up my head so I'm facing her.
"S-soojin?" Am I seeing things now. But than she smiles and I know for sure it's her. My breathings still bad but even in this state I can only focus on her. She reaches for my hand and brings it to her chest.
"Jennie, listen to my voice. Focus on me. Now with me, breathe." She says slowly, I take in a slow breath and exhale as she does. I can feel her heart beat through my hand which is distracting me from my thoughts.
"Ready,again" I'm finally starting to come back, my mind is beginning to clear up. Where both just looking at each other, me still breathing, Focussing on her is the only way I can control myself.
A few moments pass and I'm feeling more like myself. She smiles and caresses my face, I move my hand on hers and lean into her touch. With her other hand she wipes my tears, god now that I'm back I feel embarrassed. She gets up and I start to panic.
"Where are you going" I say desperately while holding her wrist.
"Just getting some tissues, and I'm gonna call my manager to pick me up later. Don't worry I won't leave you" I sigh in relief and let her go.
Once she grabs the tissues she softly wipes my face.
"I'm just going to call my manager I'll be back soon" I frown knowing that she's leaving even if it's for a few minutes.
"Be quick.... please" I whisper.
She nods her head and kisses my forehead before leaving the room.
"Are you okay now" Rosie cautiously voices. I look to my left completely forgetting they were here and witnessed everything.
"I-I'm okay, I'm so sorry I don't know what happened today"
They all move to the couch squishing me.
"Don't apologise, you can't control it." Jisoo's deep voice says.
"Jisoo, I'm so sorry for yelling at you"
"Shhhh, don't worry about that okay as long as my baby's alright" she pinches my cheeks and we all just laugh.
"Did, um one of you get soojin" I say shyly.
"No we didn't, luckily she came not long after we got in here. She was really worried" Lisa's states.
"She was?"
"Yeah, she was fighting with the body guard outside just to let her in. Thankfully jisoo heard and pulled her in"
My heart shouldn't but it warms knowing she came here. She cares.
...................
#shuhua #Jennie
It's been a while! Hope you like this chapter let me know what you think should happen next? 👀
be safe and take care of yourselves 💛💛