There is a certain clinical satisfaction in seeing just how bad things can get. The rock bottom seemed wonderfully solid. It was somehow comforting to know that he had fallen but could fall no further.
"I think I hate you," Lewis spoke into the silence of the dark room, not even sure if Nico was still awake. The German had thrown his arm across Lewis's torso while bedding his head on the Brit's shoulder. Lewis felt like his skin was frozen wherever Nico touched him.
Nico wanted to laugh. "You can't hate me. You love me far too much for that." The German thought but never said. It was one of their unspoken rules, that they never spoke about their feelings. He knew Lewis and he also knew that he could never hate somebody, who he presented with his heart but there was no need to tell the Brit that.
"Are you still angry?" Nico wanted to know.
The German would understand when he was. Partly he was angry at himself that he had chosen Vivian instead of Lewis as the Brit asked him to choose, but Nico was a father already. He couldn't run away from his daughter. Even though he wanted to. He had responsibilities.
In the deep of the night, when he wished it would be Lewis, who was warming his bed, he told himself, that Lewis understood. Or at least he would after having his first child.
"In the beginning, yes, but I grew tired of it," Lewis said simply.
"Anger is so tiring, Nico." He confessed, not looking in his lover's eyes. It would just hurt both of them further.
"I don't think I was ever angry about it. Or about anything. Never saw the need to. It was good while it lasted." Nico said. His fingers carefully dancing over Lewis's bronze skin. Nico still remembered, when Lewis's skin was free of tattoos, just his skin against Nico's.
"No, it wasn't. It was toxic." The Brit shot back. Not carrying much for the fairy tale Nico was telling himself, so he could sleep better at night. A long time ago it was good, even great but the time was over long before they became teammates. So much has been done that can never be changed again. So many injuries from senseless fighting. So many tears from hurtful words and harmful thoughts.
"You know, the way I see it, in some situations, anger can be a driving force, it can push you forward, it can incite you. But you can't let it become what defines you. You can't let it overgrow you. Too much anger turns into hatred. It'll be hopeless if it gets that far." Lewis told Nico, but the German couldn't follow him quite that well.
"But you just told me that you do hate me, don't you?"
Lewis could lie, could make up a beautiful story, that he could never hate Nico because he was his one true love but chooses not to. A long time ago Lewis decided to brand Nico Rosberg as the one, who got away. The one, he needed to convince of his undying hate for the German, so Lewis could heal someday.
Maybe it was dishonorable and wrong to give in to the urge to hurt Nico so much that he would stay away from him forever. But it looked like it was the only way for Lewis to escape Nico and finally be free.
"I do. I speak from experience when I say it becomes hopeless, because when it does, you hit the bottom, and when you hit the bottom, it feels there's no way out or up."
"Maybe it's because you still care." Nico guessed, even though he knew he was right. Nico knew that Lewis loved him and he also knew that the Brit did everything to get away from him, but he was like the air to breathe for Lewis. There was no getting away.
"It's because you ruined me. You did this to me. You made me hate you and I will always hate you for that." Lewis raised his voice a little bit, which caused Nico to stop his caressing. The German could feel the first sob ripping through his lover's body. Lewis's soft brown eyes seemed fogged like he was bewitched with undying sadness and sorrow for a life he never had.
"I just want it to be over." Lewis pressed out between sobs breaking Nico's hearth over and over again in the process. How can two people who had loved each other deeply do so much damage to each other?
Nico pushed Lewis a little bit back, so he could look into his deep brown eyes. He tried to find the truth and what he saw hurt him. He regretted ever leaving Lewis alone, ever not taking care of him, and he hated himself for seeming to have lost the ability to see through his lies and masks. He loved this man more than anything. More than racing or his carrier and more than himself and his family. But who was he to tell Lewis?
"Is that what you truly want?" Nico asked. He was afraid of Lewis's answer, but deep down he already knew what the Brit would answer. It pained him, that he used to know Lewis, a long time ago. It felt like they knew each other in another life.
"Yes," Lewis whispered. Throat tight with tears. "Yes, Nico. I want you to be gone."
------------------
1st May 2016
"I'm sorry I'm late for dinner," Joanna told Alain as soon as she sat down with him. It was a busy day at the track today and the good result on to of everything caused her to run late. The Frenchman only smiled at her, before starting small talk but his mind was somewhere else.
Joanna wasn't afraid of getting into that car, no... She was dying to do that. All racers were addicted to the surge of power, adrenaline, and liberation that only driving an f1 car could give them. And Joanna wasn't above that sentiment, either.
Alain could only guess what other reasons were spurring the Austrian's need to carry on her career, but he could tell that beating death wasn't among them. Or rather not yet at least. He always feared the day when his goddaughter can no longer distinguish the line between reality and her fantasy world. It has happened to many drivers.
The god complex, making them believe they were immortal. Joanna used that word a lot when she talked about her family. Her legacy, as she liked to call it. The journalists only fed this complex that slowly crept up on Joanna. They told her she was born into F1 loyalty, that it was her destiny to win and to carry more world championship titles than anyone ever could before her. They told her that no one would have ever survived the accidents she had, again the term "immortal" is used.
Alain was worried about ever, especially after he watched her last race. He knew that Joanna did not fear death. She was afraid of having an accident of the same scale her father had which could throw her into that limbo of pain and agony and leave her stuck in there, unable to pass through to either realm. She had seen it before. Friends, family, nobody was safe with the job they had.
She was afraid of that, but she didn't fear it. Joanna Lauda only had one fear she feared to be unable to die.
Joanna had just finished her dinner at the hotel restaurant, saying goodbye to Alain, she was waiting for the elevator to get back to her suite. The Austrian wasn't in the mood to watch a movie as she had originally intended, and the spa had closed about an hour ago. So, she already knew that this would be a boring night, especially because she wasn't in the mood to go out.
Busying herself with her phone, Joanna looked up as the doors opened again for another hotel guest. Upon seeing that it was Max, she greeted him shortly, before looking back down at her phone again. To be true she had expected him to flirt with her like he usually did, but nothing happened, which wasn't a problem, but she hated the fact that he didn't even acknowledge her. She was standing right beside him. He even had to reach over her to press the button for his floor.
"Cat got your tongue?" She questioned which caused the Toro Rosso driver to look over at her. Max wasn't impressed by her question or the fact that she had spoken to him in the first place. Joanna Lauda was the last person on earth he wanted to see right now.
"I thought you wanted me to leave you be. Can you make up your fucking mind? You are incredibly annoying." Max told her, boldly starring at the closed elevator door.
"Come again." Joanna dared him, as she stepped in his line of vision, standing right in front of him. But their high difference took away her chance to really seem threatening. Joanna looked like an angel, so not threatening at all.
"No," Max told her while reaching out for her waist and the side of her head. Not fast enough to react to what Max was doing, she unintentionally allowed him to turn them around before he pushed her roughly against the backside of the elevator.
"I don't have to answer to you. You made it pretty clear that you're not interested in me. Rather playing slut with Hamilton." He hissed with his lips right next to her ear, before pulling back a little bit so their gazes could meet. Max's turquoise eyes shone with jealousy and anger, while all Joanna's grey eyes gave him was indifference. She seemed like she didn't care which only enraged Max further, but her treacherous heart was betraying her. Max only had to listen, and he would know what an effect he had on the younger Ferrari driver.
"You're right. I'm not interested, and I let Lewis take me all the ways he wanted to. He's a terrific lover if you need to know." Joanna challenged him. Reading the disgust in Max's eyes, it was a delight. She loved to play games when she was the one in control and with Max and the way she could funnel his anger, she totally was the one in charge here.
"What do you want to do about it? I'm not yours." Joanna whispered into his ears after going on her tiptoes. His fingers lightly brushing over the material of her top.
"I want to force you and your knees right here and right now," Max murmured back. His voice dangerously low and his grip on her waist tightening. Joanna looked up to search his eyes for any sign that he was trying to trick her into trusting him, but for once she couldn't read the Dutchman. She couldn't say if he tried to make her surrender or if he truly desired her that much, but it never came to the point where they could have started to explore the suggestion Max just made. The ringing of his phone pulled them both back into the real world. Max fished for it while Joanna hoped sincerely that nobody had seen them like this, with Max towering over her. His hands on her body and her eyes on his.
"Seems like daddy has something against that," Joanna commented as she glanced at Max's phone and saw the caller ID. Startling him enough to be able to push Max away enough so she could step out of the elevator right as the door opened.
"Maybe next time kitty cat." She called over her shoulder a cocky grin on her lips.