Chapter 37
Another day of Lexi coming over, another day of me trying to act like it was normal and okay and like it wasn't that big of a deal.
Like it wasn't all I wanted.
I played Ok Go's album, Of the Blue Colour of the Sky while waiting for her. I grabbed a pile of books from my library, trying to rearrange them in a more orderly manner. Josh had been railing my ears about it.
I skipped a song. While You Were Asleep started to play. I grabbed another pile of book.
I turned around.
Lexi was waiting by the door.
We smiled at each other.
"You missed me Pumpkin?" I greeted her, setting the books back down.
I got an eyeroll before her answer. "Yes, I missed you so much Blake, I can't go on without you for more than ten minutes."
I felt warmth in my chest all over even though she was just joking around. I wanted to hug her. I wanted to tell her that I dreamt for so long for those words to be true.
I wanted to tell her how I felt.
But not today. Not yet at least.
Not when my feelings were genuine and hers were none existent.
"See how easy it was to admit Pumpkin," I teased her, though every fabric in my being longed for her to have been honest telling me this.
"So? What are we working on first?" she asked.
"You could read my paper, so we'll be done with that and then we can finish the play and work on math after," I suggested.
"Alright," she agreed and followed me to the computer while I opened the right file.
"Enjoy!" I laughed, and left her to do the tedious work or editing me, going back to my library.
"Josh convinced you to be more careful with your books?" she asked with a little smile.
I liked this, when it was the both of us together, doing little things, like it was natural.
"Yeah, he threatened to bring Miss Puss in if I didn't and I do not enjoy cat's hair all over my things," I stated.
Lexi laughed a little, and shook her head again, before focusing her attention back on the file.
Would I ever stop feeling giddy over any interaction with Lexi that didn't end up in insults?
Because it felt lie I never would.
I kept looking back at her while she read my paper. I wondered what she was thinking. Did she think I was less of an idiot now that she saw I could write a coherent paper?
Unfortunately, Lexi started making faces at one point and I was worried.
I frowned, unsure what could be wrong with it. "What? Is it that bad?" I asked.
"No, the exact contrary actually," Oh. That was good, right? "Blake? Did you lie? You know with the whole I-need-your-help-at-school thing?"
Yes and no, but yes, but no...
"Why would you ask that?" I asked, not sure how to answer her question without admitting to any lie.
"Because, you kick ass at writing, and I don't think you have any problem with reading either, and now History is all good, and you wouldn't have needed me for that anyway," Lexi trailed.
I hadn't been completely truthful, that much was right. But I hadn't been completely lying either. "Need I remind you about math? And freaking Chemistry and Physic too. I honestly never thought I'd say something like that but I could quite frankly kill the bastard that discovered friction and acceleration and all made up those stupid rules with the freaking xs and ys. I'm not going to send a freaking elephant on Saturn so I obviously don't need to know how the gravity on it is going to affect it," I ranted and Lexi suddenly laughed, "What?"
"No need to go all Christian Bale on me," she chuckled, getting up. "So are we finishing that play so we can get to the good stuff you know the lovely world of mathematics!"
"I'm not even going to make a comeback for that one, that's how much I hate it," I pouted and grabed my script from my bag.
Lexi followed me, chuckling a little and sat on the recliner as I let myself fall on the couch dramatically.
I was a bit of a drama queen after all.
We chatted about how we were going to go about reading the rest of the play and then read our parts goofing around, making voices and jokes.
This part of the play felt less heavy than the last one, less like I was constantly confessing my love to the girl in front of me.
It was probably a good thing. I needed to calm my tits.
When we finally got to the end, I said, "and CUT! Finally done. I don't like it when Don Carlos' there, he's such a party pooper."
Lexi wasn't impressed. "Stop whining," she told me, pushing my shoulder playfully. I almost grabbed her hand to keep it in mine. "So who's at the door anyway?" she asked.
"Your uncle, you know the one you'll marry," I teased her.
"You know what? I think I actually like that play, aside from your comments that is. How does it end? Does it have a nice ending?"
I thought about Hernani hearing the call of the horn, about knowing that he had to pay the price of his life, the price he willingly paid to save the woman he loved. I thought about Dona Sol telling him she was his and he was hers, and drinking half the poison with him. I thought about them dying in each other's arms.
I looked at Lexi in the eyes. If our life was a tragic play, I'd pay the same price, my life for hers, anytime.
Fortunately, our lives wasn't a tragic play.
"Yes, there's a nice ending," I told her softly. "So, math?" I said, not wanting to dwell too much about fated and impossible loves.
"Yes, math," Lexi chuckled.
"Isn't there anything else we could do?" I told her, smirking and wiggling my eyebrows. I had a long list of things I would have rather been doing with her alone in a room.
"Aren't you getting tired of this?" Lexi sighed, unimpressed.
"Nope, never," I assured her.
I'd never get tired of this. Ever.
Lexi was looking at me with a strange smile. I had no idea what it meant, and it disappeared from her face quickly. "So, math," she pressed, getting up.
"Why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it while you're at it," I whined.
Couldn't we cuddle instead? Compare underwear? Trace the lines of each other faces? Feverishly make out in a corner?
"Oh you big crying baby, stop whining," Lexi laughed and came back with a book. "Math," she repeated.
"I hate math," I grumbled. I'd much prefer feverish make out.
"I know, you mentioned."
In the end, I managed to distract Lexi with her Vanessa problem and my mother, effectively doing less work than I was supposed to.
After Lexi was gone, my mother reminded me that I had another appointment with my therapist today.
I kinda had forgotten.
I wasn't sure how I was feeling about going back.
She drove me there again after dinner.
Doctor Boseman greeted me when I got in, and he seemed just as welcoming as the last time.
I followed him into his office, feeling apprehensive, but not as worried as I had been the last time.
"How are you today Blake?" my doctor asked after we both sat down.
I frowned a little. "I'm good actually."
He chuckled. "You say that like it's surprising."
I shrugged. "I guess I'm always surprised when I realize I'm in a good mood."
"Should we talk about that?"
"No, I think I'm just a dramatic brooder. I know that. I'm sure we can focus on something else."
"Are you always dismissive of your own problems?" Doctor Boseman asked, his head tilted a bit.
"Nooo..."
"I think you are though. You're dismissive of your feelings, and your problems, and your needs."
I snorted. "Wow Doc, you going right for the kill today."
"Sorry, it's just been on my mind since your visit. Why do you think you don't give any importance to these things?"
I pressed my palms on my knees, flexing my fingers. What was I supposed to say? I'm worthless, so who cares about my feelings? "I guess I always kinda feel... insignificant. Like people don't care anyway, so I shouldn't bother them with my problems and my feelings. I feel bad about making them feel bad because I feel bad, if that makes sense? Sorry about that disaster of a sentence."
"There are no wrong words when you're trying to express your feelings Blake, don't apologize. You're not bothering me. Right now, your feelings and your problems are my main focus."
I let out a snort. "Weird."
"No, no, don't dismiss it," he said with a laugh.
"It feels selfish to talk about my problems when my brother is dead, you know? So what if I feel down, or unhappy, at least I'm still alive."
"So, what you're saying is that if you're alive, you have no reason to complain about anything?"
"Not really..." I trailed, feeling a bit like an idiot now. "Maybe. Okay, with insight, I guess that's kinda wrong to say that. But, like, I'm here because clearly, I need help, so let's chalk up what I just said as one of the many reasons why I'm here."
"You know, therapy is not going to make you magically change how you feel. You might always have to remind yourself that your feelings are valid. You might always feel like your problems are insignificant, and that's okay. We don't strive for perfection here. We strive for healthy balance. It's okay to be down sometimes. It's okay to feel bad. I just want you to acknowledge these feelings as legitimate."
I nodded, because what he was saying made sense, but also at the same time, made me feel like a bit of a loser.
We talked more about my feelings, and problems, in more specific terms, and the ways I should go about sharing them with people around me.
Our hour and a half went by in a flash. It was a good thing that this doctor was nice.
I was glad he hadn't mentioned transferring me to someone else so far.
My mother was cheery on the ride back home, while I talked to her a bit about what I had gone over with Doctor Boseman.
Once we got home, I headed to my room and read a bit before going to bed.
I fell asleep and had nightmares. Lexi was in it. We were in a darkly lit room by candlelit, like we were in some historical fiction movie. Lexi was grabbing my arms and yelling at me crying. She kept telling me to tell her the truth, to admit my feelings and tell her how I felt.
But for some reason I knew that the second she would know my feelings she would die. I didn't know how I knew this, but I was just sure of it.
"If you can't tell me, kiss me. Kiss me and I'll know," she finally started to say.
"I can't. I can't. I can't," I just kept repeating.
But then Lexi coughed up blood, her body going limp. I dropped down, catching her.
And suddenly it was like I just knew I had been tricked and not telling her had killed her instead.
I woke up, my heart racing, feeling completely shaken.
The dream had been too vivid, too specific.
I pressed my forehead against my raised knees, trying to calm down.
When I was younger, my brother used to comfort me whenever I had nightmares...
I wouldn't be able to sleep again, not like this.
I got out of bed and headed outside, to my painting shack.
When I got in, I set up my things quickly... and I did something I never thought I could do, something I had never allowed myself to do before...
I started to paint my brother's smiling face.
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A/N: Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! How are you guys doing? I hope everyone is happy and healthy and safe.
I also hope you enjoyed this chapter. A lot of things happen in it. Blake's dreams have been something I've wanted to share in his POV for a while. His dreams were like one of the first things I wrote and I started to write Smirking Jerk for myself to know what Blake was thinking and how he was feeling.
I hope this felt right for you.
Well, I shall leave you alone now! As always, KayKay needs to sleep. See you all next week! <3