"I understand that, Heda," Indra's face is set and angry. "I do. I even accept your plan to ally with the Sky People."
"Then I fail to see the problem," Lexa says coolly. They're in her room, as Indra came late at night to discuss this. They plan to stay a day in Polis gathering supplies and then continue north, and Lexa could really use some sleep.
Of more immediate concern, however, is that Clarke is probably not enjoying her current position hiding semi-naked in Lexa's closet.
"I do not believe it is wise for you personally to enter Azgeda territory," Indra states. "You can remain in Polis, safely -"
Lexa raises a hand. "I have never been safe, Indra," she points out. "And if we are to make an alliance with these people, I wish to get their measure. I will need to meet their leaders at some point – it may as well be soon." The truth is somewhat more complex, of course – she does not wish to send Clarke north without her, and she has no doubt Clarke will go north whatever. She has plans of her own to put in action, too.
"Anya and I can handle it for you," Indra insists. "We are already going with you, can we not be trusted to manage this between us?"
"So that it is the Trikru invading the Azgeda, instead of the Commander visiting some of her lands?" Lexa asks. "Imagine what Nia could do with that. No, Indra. I will not remain in Polis while you go."
"But the Azgeda -" Indra starts, concern knotting her forehead.
"Em pleni!" Lexa gives Indra a stern look. "It is not your place to question my orders, any more than it is Anya's. I respect you and I value your advice, but my decision is final. I am Heda. Be my General, Indra, and obey."
Indra gives a sharp nod, her face still twisted in worry and disapproval.
"Now leave me," Lexa orders.
Clarke emerges from the closet as soon as the door closes behind Indra. "Well, that was demeaning," she says sourly. Despite her expression, she moves to wrap her arms around Lexa, pressing her face into the curve of Lexa's neck and inhaling. The days with no real time together have been difficult.
"I did not tell you to do that," Lexa points out. She can't help smiling, though. "I told you to remain."
"Indra doesn't know about us yet," Clarke replies, her voice slightly muffled against Lexa. "I'd like to keep it that way."
"With Octavia as her Seken, I doubt her ignorance will last long," Lexa comments dryly.
"You don't seem too concerned," Clarke says, pulling back to study Lexa's face.
"You're the current acting leader of the Skaikru," Lexa says. "Everyone knows that you have accompanied me for the past month and that I listen to your advice. Awareness of our relationship is unlikely to place you in more danger than you are currently in, especially since our greatest threat is the Maunon and they seek you." Their relationship places Clarke in danger, Lexa knows – but Clarke always places herself in danger. Ending their relationship would only ensure that Lexa is not there to protect her. Or perhaps that is her selfishness speaking – but if it is, she will let it continue to speak.
"What about after we've dealt with them? If we manage to deal with them, anyway." Clarke strokes Lexa's hair lightly and drops a kiss on her head.
"People will find out," Lexa says honestly. "We can excuse the time we spend together now as discussing how to deal with your people. But eventually we will run out of excuses. Even if you were to be the ambassador once again, as soon as I was no longer dealing with some crisis to do with your people it would become apparent that we were spending time together for no reason at all."
Clarke frowns. "So what do you suggest?"
"While our current secrecy works, I think in the end we will have to be open about what we are," Lexa says. Then she flushes slightly. "That is, if you wish for us to continue. I know that once your people have arrived -"
"Lexa. I'm with you. Here. Got it?" Clarke says fiercely. She wraps her arms around Lexa, holding her tightly, and kisses the top of her head again, then leaves her cheek pressed against Lexa's hair.
"Oh," Lexa smiles slightly. "Well, then, we will be open about the fact that you are with me. You will be under threat whatever happens, just from the rumours and the amount of time we spend alone together, so all that admitting it would do is to give you more status with my people. It would help prevent the belief that you are trying to influence me towards our people." Lexa hesitates, then adds, "Of course, you could not be leader or ambassador for your people if we did this. At present you can lead your people without issue, but once things settle down more..."
"Why not?" Clarke asks.
"I am Heda," Lexa states. "I must not express favouritism towards any clan. They have realised by now that I am not influenced by the clan I grew up in, but if I am to have you as a constant in my life they cannot believe you are influencing me towards your people. If you become my advisor, they will see you helping to mediate between the other clans, and know you are objective there in a way even I cannot be. You will have more power as my official advisor and partner – an extension of my power – than you would as an ambassador, as well. You would be in charge of Polis when I am away, and deal with negotiations or lead gonakrus when I am unable to. But if you are ambassador or leader for your people, you will deal directly with me on matters specifically about the Skaikru only, and they will know that our relationship must influence that."
Clarke blinks. "But you made me an ambassador last time," she says reasonably. She pulls slightly back from Lexa to kiss her forehead again. It's very distracting.
"That was when I thought there was no chance you would ever return my regard," Lexa says softly. "I believed we would never have the kind of relationship that could cause the others to question my impartiality. You despised me. It wasn't until you drew me while I slept -"
"Lexa. No," Clarke says. She pulls Lexa close again, and kisses her. "No. I never despised you. Not for one second, okay? I just – I was angry at everyone, and you were a really convenient target. And I hated myself because even after everything happened, even after deciding it was your fault, I still felt drawn to you, and I took that self-hatred and aimed it at you. I didn't hate you. I loved you. It just took me some time to realise it."
There's a long pause. "You... loved me?" Lexa says carefully. She is awed by it, by the feeling in Clarke's voice, by the arms wrapped around her – holding her, protecting her, loving her.
Before Clarke, no one had held Lexa in a very long time.
"No," Clarke says fiercely. "I love you. Not just past tense, present. And future. I loved you then, I love you now, and I'm pretty sure I'll always love you." She kisses Lexa with every ounce of emotion in her.
"I feel as you do," Lexa manages to gasp out between kisses, and then she doesn't manage to say anything else at all.
Clarke licks, kisses and nibbles her way down Lexa's neck, moves to her collarbone, then moves further. It seems like hours of exploration but may be much less as Lexa bucks against her and moans incoherently – Clarke seems determined to kiss every inch of Lexa's body, know every curve and scar and freckle that she possesses. Each touch feels like it leaves a burning point of light there.
Clarke presses her fingers inside Lexa and swallows her next moan with another kiss, then slides down to chase her fingers with her lips. It's slow and purposeful and merciless, laving and sucking and kissing as her fingers push into her, making her crazy from the inside out. Even when Lexa tries to move against her, tries to hurry her, Clarke keeps the pace slow and perfect. Perfectly infuriating. She comes in a wave, steady and inexorable, but by the end it feels more like a tsunami and she gasps out her love into the beautiful, candlelit room where she once died.
There is a sense of wonder, every time she is able to touch Clarke. She has been starved of touch for years and never known it, and every brush of their skin is a sharp jolt of relief. Pressing herself against Clarke – pressing her tongue against Clarke, and tasting the core of her – is something more than relief, however. It's not redemption, which may belong to anyone who chooses to lie to themselves, nor forgiveness, which is a matter of another individual's decision. It's something more like grace. An unexpected gift, an impossible mercy, to find exactly what she never knew she should seek. To find Clarke.
Afterwards, lying in the peaceful afterglow, she traces Clarke's warm body. Everything glows in the soft candlelight, throwing the shadows into sharp relief. She runs her fingers down Clarke's arms, with their burgeoning muscles, allows her hand to follow the dip of Clarke's waistline and move up the hill of her hip, writes meaningless words against her skin. Mouths kisses against her shoulder, her neck.
"Is she right?" Clarke says suddenly.
"What?"
"Indra," Clarke clarifies. "She thinks you should stay in Polis. Maybe she's right. Nia would love to kill you, you know that."
"Nia would love to defeat me," Lexa says firmly. "Not kill me. If she had Roan kill me in a challenge, that would be one thing. It would show that I am weak, and she is powerful. If she assassinated me and none knew, she could remain in power. But if she brings a gonakru to kill me on her land, the other clans will know she killed me, and will attack. Even if she challenges me on her land they will assume she killed me by foul means, since the other ambassadors will not be there to act as witnesses as they did last time."
"Maybe she doesn't care if they know," Clarke counters, "Maybe she just wants you dead."
"The Azgeda desire power. They may even desire war. But fighting against all eleven of the clans – they cannot wish this. They would be wiped out."
"What if they have allies?" Clarke says, rolling over to face Lexa. "Blue Cliff, or the Rock Line clan -" She names two of the clans which have a reasonable number of gonas and no long friendship with the Trikru.
"The Ice Nation had no allies before the coalition," Lexa says flatly. "They believed they needed none, as they are protected by ice and snow, and the rest of us fought each other instead of facing that. They acted as bandits and thieves to the rest, and angered many. The only reason any of the clans would side with them is if they considered me weak. At present, I have their approval."
"You're sure?' Clarke's face starts to wrinkle in worry, and Lexa reaches out to caress her cheek.
"Very sure, ai niron," she says. "I spoke with the ambassadors about my plans. None were concerned. Your people have killed none of ours yet, so there is no bad blood to speak of, and no reason why your possible entry into the alliance should concern them if you are not to take their land. Several of them have gone to see your people around the city, and have decided they are harmless. No doubt they will have more opinions when I tell them we plan to take on the Maunon, but I assure you, they will not believe I am weak for that. Quite the opposite."
Clarke pauses, and then asks another question, dread in her eyes. "What if they ally with the Maunon?"
Lexa blinks, considers it, and then dismisses it. "No. The Maunon despise my people, and the Azgeda despise the Mountain."
"But they're powerful," Clarke says flatly. "It might be worth it, just for that alliance." She stops propping herself on her side with her arm and half-rolls to lie on her back, staring up at Lexa.
"No," Lexa says again, her voice firm and sure. She moves so she is half over Clarke, her hands planted on either side of Clarke's head to support her, and kisses Clarke's forehead, then her lips. When Lexa pulls back Clarke pushes herself up for a second to follow for one more quick kiss, before falling back with a sigh. "The Azgeda hate the Maunon more than anything. They would turn against Nia if she tried to ally with the Mountain – they nearly turned against me for the crime of merely ceasing our failing assault on the Maunon. It was only the release of their own captives which prevented an immediate attack on me from them. Some to the far north even consider the Mountain Men not to be men at all, but demons, who wear their suits to cover this. They tell their children that the Maunon drink blood and create the Ripas by infecting them with madness. Even Nia has stated that the leader of the Maunon has more power than any other person in the world due to the number he has killed. There's a reason why they feared and respected you so much for defeating the Maunon. They would never help the Mountain."
"So you think there's no risk to going north?" Clarke asks, making her doubt clear. She winds one of Lexa's dangling braids around her finger, playing with it, then moves her hand to let it rest on the back of Lexa's neck.
"Plenty of it," Lexa says dryly. "Though I have ordered no death, there is no guarantee the Azgeda will treat your people well, and they could begin a war. Factions beside Nia may wish me dead, or believe that she wishes me dead and act on it. Someone may wish to frame Nia for my death – she certainly has enemies enough."
"And the Mountain Men might be able to figure out where we're going, as well," Clarke says. She sighs. "If they have the equipment to detect the Ark, they'll know exactly where the orbit takes it. So us all disappearing north will be a very obvious red flag."
"So there are lots of risks," Lexa summarises.
"As always," Clarke agrees. She leans forward and kisses Lexa.
"Ai hod yu in, Clarke," Lexa whispers, an inch from Clarke's lips.
"Ai hod yu in, Lexa," Clarke echoes with a smile.