I turn left on the road towards Stacey's office, lowering the volume in my car. I called her on Wednesday morning asking if she could see me on Friday afternoon, a couple of weeks early. She knows I wouldn't ask unless it was important, so here I am.
I pull into the parking lot and take a deep breath. I'm not here during my usual week and I know the receptionist will notice. I'm not planning on going to see my dad afterwards, either. What he doesn't know won't hurt him, right?
Walking into the building, I'm greeted by Sue with a smile.
"Gemma! I saw you on the schedule, dear. Doing okay?"
"Um, not really to be honest. I'll be okay though. I just need my Stacey fix." I laugh it off. We make small talk as I lean against the desk since I'm the only person waiting. I'm the last appointment this afternoon, just like usual. A few minutes pass and then Stacey calls for me. She apologizes for the delay, saying she had to finish notes from her last appointment.
I walk into her office and sit on the couch, laying down and propping my head up.
"Oh no, this is serious," Stacey observes. I never lay down on the couch. She also knows her attempt to make me laugh is just what I need.
"Yep. You ready for the soap opera shit I'm about to lay on you?"
Thirty minutes later, I'm done telling the story of what's happened with me and Kieran over the last two weeks and of our trip to his hometown. I tell her about my mom and Jillian, and how she was my twin. I explain how I don't know where to go from here and how to confront my father. I tell her that I'm not sure if I should reach out to my mom or how. The word vomit suddenly stops when I notice I've been going on for so long. I sit up on the couch and blush.
"Sorry, I'll stop. How are you feeling after all of that?" I chuckle nervously, rubbing my arm.
It was a lot for me to process and I'm guessing it is for Stacey too. She's known me a long time and learning something like this is shocking.
"Well, I'm fine, thanks for asking. You don't have to worry about me though. I'm the only therapist in this room, Gemma. At least for now," she smiles, and I grin back. Making sure other people are okay is one of my personality traits, I can't help it.
"That's a lot to take in, Gemma. I can't imagine what you're thinking and feeling. Though, you telling me about it gave me somewhat of an idea. In the perfect world, how would this turn out for you?'
Her question stumps me because I honestly don't know.
"I don't know."
We sit in silence for a few moments while I think. In school they've taught us that silence can help people process and it allows for them to speak freely or continue from previous thoughts. A big part of a therapist's job is to listen and help people process, so that's what Stacey is doing with me. I know this, but it still works.
"In a perfect world, this wouldn't have happened. I would have been able to know my sister and my parents would be together. I wouldn't have so many issues, at least I hope not. But of course, I have to work with what I've got," I sigh.
"I want to talk to my dad and have him tell me the truth about why he did this. I want us to still have a relationship, though we don't have much of one now, but I'm just so furious with him. I want a relationship with my mom too, but I'm also angry with her. I need to know more about Jillian. Kieran is helping with that. He has a lot of stories about her. Kieran has been incredible and we're working through this together. It was a shock to him, too. Like seriously, what were the odds of us meeting and this happening?
"Ultimately, I want the full truth and for my relationships to be salvaged. I don't want to hate both of my parents. There's been enough of that already. I just want to understand."
Stacey nods in acknowledgement. "That makes sense. Where do you think you have to start to get what you want?"
I groan, knowing what she wants me to say.
"Talk to my parents."
"Bingo," she chuckles. "You already knew that though, you just wanted me to say it. It's going to be difficult and emotional, but you have got this. You are strong and you know yourself better than anyone. You'll know if something gets to be too much or if you need a break. You know what barriers you have to establish. I believe in you, and I know Kieran does too based on what you've said about him. Sounds like he's been your support in all of this. How is Alice?"
"She's been great too. I didn't tell her until Tuesday, so she was worried about me for a couple of days. I isolated myself for a little bit and I know I shouldn't, but that was how I coped. Not my strongest moment."
Stacey affirms that it's okay to cope in certain ways but to not stay that way too long, so doing what I did was perfectly healthy. I feel better hearing it from her. I can tell myself things a million times and know they're true but won't actually believe them until someone else validates my thoughts on it. That's definitely a part of my anxiety.
At the end of the session, Stacey tells me again that I'm strong and I can get through this. She tells me to repeat this to myself when I need it, and to add it to my affirmation post-its. She also reminds me that we still have our appointment for two Fridays from now.
I also tell her that I'm going back home tonight, and she tilts her head.
"He doesn't know I came here. I'm not ready," I shrug.
She smiles and nods, always so supportive. "Of course. What he doesn't know won't hurt him."
"Exactly my thoughts."
--
The drive back to my apartment is peaceful. I don't do much thinking, only listening to music and singing my heart out. I needed the distraction. My phone rings as soon as I park in the lot. I scramble to find it in my purse and answer before seeing who it is.
"Hello?"
"Hey, baby. Are you home yet?" Kieran's low voice comes through the phone, and I shiver, remembering how he's used that endearment in bed. My face flushes at the thought and then I realize I haven't answered yet.
"Uh..."
"What were you thinking about?" He chuckles.
"Nothing," I exclaim. I turn off the car and take my keys out of the ignition, stepping out of my Jeep. "I just got home actually, so it's perfect timing. Are you still coming over?" I pull down my tank top that has made its way halfway up my stomach, straightening it along with my silky blouse that sits on top.
"Will you promise not to be weirded out if I tell you that I'm about to pull up to your building?"
I laugh in response. He's been so clingy.
"Nope. I would expect nothing less."
He pulls in a few moments after we hang up. We had planned earlier that he would come over after my appointment so we could have a movie night together. Alice is going out with our friends, so we'll have the apartment to ourselves.
Kieran walks up after grabbing some bags from the back of his vehicle. "Hey, Gem. You look beautiful today." He drops a kiss on my forehead as I try to grab a bag from him. He won't let me.
"Nuh uh, no peeking. Let's go upstairs."
As we climb the stairs, I attempt to look in the bags. Kieran stops abruptly and turns, making me go past him so I'm in front.
"No trust. I'm hurt," he laughs.
I roll my eyes and unlock the door.
"I'm going to have to do something about you rolling your eyes at me all the time. You know I'm not afraid to smack that ass, Gem."
My face reddens and I scoff, acting like I'm not embarrassed. "Is that a challenge?"
Kieran sets the bags down on the kitchen counter after taking off his shoes. "Maybe."
--
Turns out, Kieran bought us supplies to make brownies for our movie night. He also bought more popcorn since he ate the last pack I had in the apartment. He's currently playing Show and Tell with everything he got at the store.
"And..." He dramatically brings out the last thing from the bag, "gummy bears!" My eyes widen in excitement. "Don't worry, I made sure to look at which one has the most red ones."
"That's the cutest thing ever!" I walk to him and put my hands on his face, kissing his cheeks, nose, forehead, and finally his lips. "Thank you."
His face is pink now and I smile wider. He's goddamn adorable.
"Now, let's make some brownies."
Kieran even got us aprons and I laugh when he puts his on. It has cats all over it. Mine has dogs.
"Cute, huh?" He helps me put mine on, tying the strings on the back. "I saw these and I had to."
Who knew Kieran, the hot womanizer who used to drink every night, could be so cute and thoughtful?
We start by mixing the ingredients in a big bowl, some of the dust going all over the counter when Kieran stirs too hard. "Oops," he grimaces.
After the stirring fiasco, we work together to put the batter in a pan after I spray it, so they don't stick. Once it's in the oven, I see the mess on the counter. I freeze.
"This is so messy. I have to clean it before we do something else." I start to pick up the ingredients and put them away, while Kieran starts to help. He sees me becoming a little too frantic and he touches my hands, taking them and setting them on his chest.
"Hey, breathe for a second. Just for a second. We'll clean it up together but look at me for a moment."
I look into Kieran's eyes and see the bright blue, calming instantly. I feel the heartbeat in his chest as it speeds up.
"Are you nervous?" I whisper.
"A little. I just get excited when you're around. Butterflies and everything. Very manly, right?" His face flushes.
I giggle and continue to stare at his face, mesmerized. I finally get the courage to touch the scar above his eye, just grazing it slightly. I see him flinch briefly and then he relaxes.
"I got that when I found my mom in the garden. When I saw her, I tried to run and I fell right near her, onto one of the gardening tools. Split me right open. I hate that I have a scar that will always remind me of that day." His eyes are closed as he confesses this to me.
"Kieran," I mumble. I reach up on my tiptoes to kiss the scar, moving his hair out of the way. I wrap my arms around his neck and squeeze, not wanting to let go. His hands meet my waist, and he squeezes back, sending tingles up my spine.
"Thanks for sharing," I tell him as I unwrap myself, his hands staying put.
"Thanks for listening."