Zola 'Slim' Monroe || October 1998
I stood in the mirror getting ready for work, jamming to Babydoll by Mariah Carey in the process.
I was applying some lashes to my eyes when I heard a knock on my door. Before I could invite Kori in, she walked in on her own, holding a bouquet of flowers. I scoffed and chuckled to myself, shaking my head as I adjusted the lashes.
I already knew exactly who the flowers were from, and was I surprised? Not in the slightest bit.
"Damn— he's been sending flowers damn near everyday for the last two weeks. Has he still been calling?" She asked, setting the vase on my dresser alongside the bouquet I'd received a day or two ago.
It was ridiculous, at this point. I had so many flowers, I had to give some to Kori to decorate the house with because there wasn't enough space on my dressers for these damn flowers.
I nodded, "Mhm. Still leaving my mailbox full and some more shit," I shook my head at the thought of his actions while I cleaned up my makeup.
He was turning into a bugaboo, but despite how raw my feelings still were, I liked the persistence. It was always a quality I admired about him and it's what drew me to him in the first place.
"Damn... you slap a nigga and still get flowers? What type of power do you possess?" I smacked my lips and glared at her, causing her to raise her hands in defense as she laughed at my reaction to her stupid ass statement.
She thought my actions towards Sincere was funny because it was deserved. Although I felt the same way in the moment, I felt fucked up about it, I'd be the first to admit it and no amount of pride would ever prevent me from doing so.
My actions reminded me so much of my parents's when I was younger, and it made me sick to my stomach whenever I thought about it. I went entirely too far and while I did intend to apologize, my pride wouldn't make an exception for that in this moment.
"That's not funny, Kori! That was wrong, even though he did deserve it," I spoke while reaching into the bouquet to grab the card and see what he had written for me today.
"I mean, you right, I guess. Someone had to do it, though." I shook my head and proceeded to read the card,
Song of the day: Two Occasions.
I almost found myself smiling at the card, but I quickly caught myself as I shook my head and closed it back up, throwing it onto my dresser.
He was so damn corny, and he was making this a lot harder on me than I wanted to admit. His gestures made me miss him, and it brought so much confusion because I didn't know how to feel right now. As much as I craved his presence, I needed space to grieve this situation and sort out my feelings.
"When are you gonna talk to him again?" Kori asked and I shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, I really said all I had to say the last time I seen him, so," I shrugged and proceeded to finish getting ready for my shift.
"Well, I have an idea,"
"What, fool?"
"Tell that nigga to stop sending so many damn flowers— hold on," Her phone began ringing and I shook my head, although she did have a point.
While I brushed the front portion of my hair into a ponytail, I heard the doorbell ring and I was gonna ignore it until Kori asked for me to get it.
Sighing heavily, I released all the hair I'd gathered and I slid my hair tie onto my wrist to see who the hell was at the door.
When I opened the door, there was a tall delivery man with his visor flipped to the back with a yellow envelope in hand and a clipboard in the other. Instead of stating his business, he just stared at me and checked me out. Niggas couldn't even complete a simple task for work without hounding, my goodness.
I could see if he was subtle with his staring. It wouldn't have been an issue, but he simply didn't care. On top of the fact, he was wasting my damn time. "Um, excuse you?" I waved my hand and he finally reverted his eyes to a more respectful place. "Can I help you?"
"Uh, yeah— You Zola Monroe?" He asked, pointing at me with the pen he had in hand. "Yeah, wassup?"
"I got a package for you. You ain't gotta have a' attitude wit' me," He says, handing me the envelope and I smacked my lips. "Well, keep your eyes to yourself and do your job. Can I help you with anything else?"
"Yeah. You can, actually. I need you to sign for it," He says with a smirk, handing over the clipboard and I went ahead and grabbed it, scribbling my signature in the space that was provided.
While I did so, I could still feel him staring at me and it made me sigh heavily just as I had finished. I handed the clipboard back over to him and thanked him for his services.
"No problem, shorty. So, wassup? What'chu—" Before he could proceed any further with his words, I was shutting the door in his face and locking it. Yes, it was rude, but I didn't wanna hear none of whatever the fuck he was about to spit. I'm so cool on that shit.
I already had nigga problems and I didn't wanna leave the door open for more.
On my way back to the room, I could hear Kori in her room still talking on the phone but her octaves seemed to be raising, which meant she was pissed off with whomever was on the other end of the that call.
I would hate to be whoever that was.
When I'd arrived, I threw the envelope onto my bed and proceeded to finish getting ready for work. I was almost certain I knew what was in the envelope, and quite frankly, I'd received enough money and luxury items from him.
Material commodities weren't going to unhurt my feelings, or change how I felt about him at the current moment.
Since my last interaction with him a few weeks ago, I'd been trying to get over it and move on but it wasn't easy. I'll be the first to admit that I did miss him and he was always on my mind. I was always wondering what he had going on, or if he was fucking with that girl still. Or even someone else.
I missed him physically, as well. Probably more than anything. I craved his presence and his affectionate. I especially missed the comfort of his arms and the warmth of his body whenever we'd cuddle.
Especially after minutes or hours of passionate sex. Shit. If the nigga couldn't do nothing else right, he could slang some mean pipe.
Plus, the fact he knew how to dominate while also allowing himself to be submissive to me to some extent just did things to me.From the sounds he'd make and way he would react whenever I was in control to the way he'd make me submit to him whenever he did his thing was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. His shit was the bomb.
These thoughts and flashbacks unfortunately made me even more frustrated with the state of my sex life and it was all his fault. Stupid ass.
Once I was ready to head out, Kori was still yelling on the phone so I decided to leave her a note informing her of my departure and I was on my way to Divine's Beauty Stop.
I had to admit, a shift at this place compared to a one at Headquarters was absolute shit! At least I could expect some sort excitement from Headquarters. All I ever did at Divine's was stock shelves, price shit and talk to rude ass customers all day.
And if the owner was in attendance, that made my shift even more irritating because she liked to micromanage and that shit blew me. I don't know if it was because I was new compared to the other employees or what, but that bitch loved riding my coat tail!
The only fun part of my job were my coworkers. There were only five of them, but I was cool with majority of them, except the owner's prude ass daughter that worked alongside us too. Out of the five, there were two guys that worked there— Zealand and Cameron. Both of them were gay and as sassy as can be, and I absolutely adored them.
Two of the other girls didn't really take a liking to them too much because of how outspoken and flamboyant they were. And while that was true, I didn't mind it because I appreciated their honesty and there was certain shit that I didn't take personal so it was whatever.
Unfortunately, I was stuck working with the owner today and her daughter but by the Grace of God, my shift breezed on by today. The store wasn't too busy and since we had a shipment come in, all I was left to do was price and stock inventory.
My boss didn't really get on my nerves, either. The bitch even bought me lunch! It shocked me. Shit, it almost scared me but I didn't complain. I think since it was Sunday, she decided to replace her horns with a halo and put on a Godly act.
Either that or she finally got some.
Once I clocked out, I was more than eager to get home and relax, despite the fact I still had two homework assignments to finish and turn in by tomorrow.
When I'd gotten home, Kori was sitting on the couch, watching some cartoon while she smoked a nasty ass cigarette. I'd actually convinced her to stop for a short period, but by the look of distress on her face, I knew the relapse was caused by something.
I greeted her while I locked the door and kicked my shoes off. "Hey, girl. Wassup? How was work?" She asked as I plopped down on the couch with a long, heavy sigh. "Tiring as hell. How was your day? And wassup with the cigarettes, ma'am?" I scrunched my face up and stood up so I could open up a window.
I don't understand how she could sit in here and pretty much hot box the damn house with cigarettes. That shit smelled absolutely horrible, and the taste was even worst. I tried puffing a cigarette once when I was like 17 and never tried it again after that.
"Girl," She shook her head, exhaling smoke and leaning forward to put her cigarette out. I grabbed her lighter off of the table and looked at her in pure confusion. "What's wrong?" I lit the Fresh Linen Yankee Candle we had in the living room and I set the lighter down before reclaiming my spot on the couch.
"So, Anthony called me earlier and he told me that he's turning himself in tomorrow. And I feel so fucked up because I went off on him earlier and he's mad at me now," Her voice cracked and I saw her wipe her face.
"Wait— why'd you go off on him?" I asked and she shrugged and shook her head, "I don't know, I mean... I guess it was really from a place of guilt and selfishness... and fear," She paused for a moment to get herself together and I went and sat next to her to comfort her.
"First of all, I don't want him in jail. I don't need him to be any further from than he has been, on top of the fact, ain't no telling how long he'll be in jail. On top of the fact, I'm hoping and praying they don't find out about the shit he got going on in these streets, you feel me?"
I nodded, "Mhm."
Then she continued to speak,
"On top of the fact, I feel guilty because I feel like it's my fault," I shook my head and decided to interject because the very last thing she needed to do was start beating herself up behind this shit.
"Uh-uhn, Kori. I can't tell you how to feel, but you can't blame yourself for this shit. What happened to you isn't your fault. You didn't ask for that shit to happen to you, and Spencer was a sick fuck for taking advantage of you. Period. Stop shaming yourself for other people's actions," I started and she stared at me intently while I spoke.
"Trust me, I know exactly how you feel and that shit will eat you up but you can't let it because it's not your fault. On top of the fact, you can't control the shit Anthony does. White it was out of defense for you, it was his decision to take it that far. You can't blame yourself for that. Okay?" I wiped her face and she nodded.
"It's okay, boo. I'm sure he'll be over it soon enough, especially after you explain your feelings to him. Anthony seems like a pretty understanding guy."
She nodded, "Yeah, he is. He's just an asshole sometimes, but I love him. And as much as I hate the fact he's gonna be away from me, I'ma still be there for him. Ima hold him down because I know he'd do the same for me,"
I was honestly hoping for a positive outcome for the both of them. I didn't know what Ant had waiting on the other side of this situation, hell no one did, but that was his coin to toss. I just hoped for Kori's sake he'd be extended some sort of grace for his actions.
I knew it was going to be a wild ride for the both of them, though.
After chopping it up with Kori for a bit longer, she decided that she was gonna run to the store to get something to make for dinner. In the meantime, I decided to remove my makeup and bathe before getting comfortable and finally doing my stupid ass homework.
I wasn't even that deep into the semester, but I was fed up. I hate that I decided to sign up for three honors classes, because that's where most of my stress stemmed from, but I guess it'll have its benefits once I finally choose a career path.
After I'd fulfilled my academic obligations, I put it in my backpack before finally opening up the package Mr. Jones had sent.
After ripping it open, I dumped the contents out and there were two stacks of money, a small Cartier box and a letter. The first thing I grabbed was the money because I was curious about what the amount would be this time.
In the first package, there was $750, in the second one there was $1500 and now there was damn near $4000. This shit was absolutely ridiculous. I was still holding onto money he had given me when we were together, and now he was just adding onto it. Plus, I was still making money from my job!
At this point, I was gonna have to find something to do with this money besides splurge, let it collect dust in different places in my room or wire some to my mama from time to help her out.
Maybe I'd fuck around and get my own apartment or something. I don't know. I just knew I had a lot of damn money.
After putting the money in my top drawer, I opened up the box and I was met with a pair of yellow gold Diamond earrings. The earrings were absolutely gorgeous and I had instantly gravitated towards them. I hadn't really worn most of the new jewelry he's gotten for me, but I didn't hesitate with these.
Once I had them on, I went ahead and closed the box before finally grabbing the letter. I was suddenly nervous because I didn't really know what to expect from it. But, I still went ahead and read it.
Baby,
I've been thinking long and hard about you and about us. I don't know how many times I can say sorry and I don't know any other way, but I'm so sorry. I really am. I fucked up bad and I have no problem taking accountability for my reckless decisions. I'm sorry for hurting you and abusing your trust. I'm sorry for ruining our relationship and I'm sorry for failing to be the man you thought I was. Perfection was never asked of me, and the fact that you were willing to accept my flaws and hold me down from the jump should've been more than enough for me. Sadly it wasn't and I still found a way to fuck that up, and if I never get the chance to have you again, I'll have to live with the fact I let you slip through my fingers. That'll hurt more than a slap to the face and having my cars busted up ever could, but at the end of the day, that's the bed I made so I gotta lay in it. I want you to know that despite my fuck ups, I do love you. I love you beyond words and I'm sorry for failing to prove that through my actions. The fulfillment in my spirit and the joy that I feel in my heart whenever I hear your voice or when I'm in your presence is unlike anything I've ever felt before. It's only been a few months but I can't fight that feeling.
Everyday that I have to wake up without you or at least with the expectation of seeing you or hearing from you, I start to feel like shit because I hurt you. I honestly wouldn't blame you if you did hate me. I hope you don't, though. I know that trying to get you back won't be easy, but I'm willing to do whatever. Most importantly though, will I ever even have the chance? I know that money, flowers and gifts won't erase the damage that I've done. I understand that. But please, if there is anything I can do to help you see that my mistakes don't define my character and who I am as a man, then I swear it's done. Just say the word and I got you. And I know you got your doubts about my feelings for you and my original intentions. I know your trust in me is depleted, and I totally understand that. I get that, but I swear to you that everything I've told you and everything I've opened up about was the God's honest truth. Cheating is the only thing I've lied about. And I know that one lie is all it takes to Fuck up a good thing, but I promise that I love you and I'll always love you.
Once I had gotten through the front and back of the first page, I was in shambles. I'm surprised I could even manage to read through my tears, but I continued on to the second page,
I miss and love everything about you. I miss your hugs. I miss those lips. I miss being laid up with you and massaging your scalp or having you rub my back. I miss your cooking. I miss that goofy ass laugh, especially that one silent laugh that makes you turn red and wheeze like crazy. I miss out lil debates and the fake attitudes you coo whenever you want me to love up on you. I miss the little fashion shows you used to put on for me whenever you went shopping. Even though I would act annoyed, I enjoyed every moment of those. I miss our little dates.
I miss hearing that horrible ass singing of yours whenever you hear your favorite songs. I miss you singing to me. I miss that body. I miss rubbing and smacking that ass to make you mad. I miss tasting you. I miss the way you used to take me and look at me with them pretty ass eyes and remind me how much you love me and that, that pussy was mine. I could go on and on about how much the experience of your body and the euphoria I get from having you. This may be a reach, but can I feel that again? Even if once. I know if nothing else, you miss it just like I do. I remember how high that sex drive was. I miss that too. I miss everything about you, and I wonder if you feel the same. Even though you are mad. If it's not asking too much, could you at least let me know that much?
I love you so much and if I had
to, I would get down on my knees and beg you from now until Jesus comes back to prove to you that I love you and that you are absolutely everything I want. my ego and my pride made me feel like I could have it all, but in my heart, I knew that I wanted you and only you.
I gotta have you back, Slim. I need you in my life. I know shit will never be the same and even if we have to start all the way over in order to rebuild and be together again, I'll do that shit with no hesitation.
I love you so much and I hope you could feel it through my words.
Sincerely yours,
Sincere.
As much as I wanted to be mad at him and resent him at this moment, I absolutely couldn't. I know my pride was the reason why I hadn't talked to him, but the love I had for him outweighed that right now. I know it wouldn't be easy to let my guard back down and let him in like I did once before, but I was willing to work through it eventually.
But, I had to take time and make sure that's what I wanted. I didn't want to rush through this, and I wanted him to realize that shit won't be happening at his timing, but at mine instead. If he really loved me and wants me the way he says he does, he would have to go great lengths to prove that shit.
******
First and foremost, I would like to send a shoutout to the legend himself, Mr. Darkman X 🙏🏾 If you know his story, then you know his life hasn't been an easy one, but he is one of God's strongest soldiers and a true testament of faith. I pray that God wraps his arms around him and I pray for his recovery and his healing.
I also want to say that the topic of heavy drug use and substance abuse will be a thing amongst some of the characters in this story, including DMX's (Roscoe) but please note that I am in no way making a mockery of his real life circumstances and the problems that his character will go through in this story is in no way supposed to be an intentional reflection of his real life.
No parts of this story is an intentional reflection of any of the character's lives.
Just wanted to throw that out there :)
Butttttt, what y'all think about to happen with Zola and Sincere?
You think she can stay mad for too long?
Would she be stupid for going back?
Oooooh, how about Kori and Anthony? What y'all think gon' happen with them?? Let me know how y'all feeling and what y'all thinking, Chile 💆🏾♀️