MENTIONS OF EATING DISORDERS
That asshole.
That fucking asshole.
He has no right to mention those things. I do eat. I ate this morning while I was with Betty. I had a tea and a small fruit cup. A full fucking breakfast.
That's asshole.
I left that store really quickly. Not even saying goodbye to Mitch and quickly brushing past Sophia just muttering a simple "excuse me" since she was blocking the door to the exit.
I'm not upset that he said what he said. It was true, he was just making an observation. He could have been nicer about it but that not why I'm upset. I am upset that now I am forced to think about my past. The pain that comes with that. I'm upset that no matter how hard I try, I can't just get over this.
I walked home without crying once. Once home, I fell onto my bed. "Kitty!" I yell out, "C'mere sweetheart!"
Right on cue my sweet boy comes pitter pattering in and he hops on the bed. He looks at me for a minute and then he begins to whine. I think I am upset him.
"Kitty, do you think I eat enough?" I ask him, honestly expecting some sort of answer and then he lets out a small growl before barking one single time.
"I'm gonna take that as a 'yeah mom, you do eat enough.'"
I begin to cry. Before my eyes were just watering but now silent tears turn to deep sobs as I sit myself up and pull my knees to my chest.
Nice going. You are so skinny you look like a freak. Like a skeleton. Harry doesn't want to be with someone like you. Someone who could blow away in the wind. You couldn't though. You couldn't blow away in the wind even if you tried. You are so fat. You are so ugly. He hates you now. He is gonna leave you and be with Sophia. She's beautiful. She's what you want. You'll never be enough for him.
My mind is a violent place.
I want to close my eyes and make it stop but it won't. It never will. When I'm awake, I can hear my own voice whispering disheartening truths and when I fall asleep I see flashbacks of my childhood like a movie.
It is like a black and white movie rolling and I'm the star. I am the star of my own tragedy, my own pain.
I moved away from my mother and father only to become just like them to myself. Always putting me down. I'll never win.
I begin sobbing harder, violently breathing when I hear a loud knock ring though my house and straight through my sensitive ears.
I leave it be. I don't want to speak to anyone right now.
The knocking starts again and this time it doesn't stop, the unknown source keeps pounding on my door. It isn't until I hear a familiar voice, the frantic voices in my head stop talking.
"Juliette! Please let me in!" Harrys voice carries through my door and all the way into my bedroom.
No. I'm not letting him in.
"Please! Jules I am begging you." He begins to please with me but I won't budge.
After knocking over and over again, it finally stops.
I'm finally left to be alone with my own silent tears.
Still holding my knees to my body, I finally rest my head down on them, slightly shaking.
My phone begins to buzz, this disturbs Kitty so I pick it up to turn it off and then I see his text.
harry
received:
Jules, I need you to answer this
door. Keep me outside if you
want to but I really
would like to apologize,
face to face. Please. H.
I stare at the text for a minute and against all the voices telling me to leave him out, don't let him in again, I slowly stand up off the bed and walk out of my bedroom.
Kitty leaps off after me, running basically under my feet almost making me trip.
I wipe the stray tears away and then open the door. When I look out there is no one directly out in front of me, and then I see Harry sitting on a patio chair on my porch with his head resting in his hands.
"Harry." I very quietly say. My voice is all scratchy and sore from my crying session but he hears me.
He jumps up off the chair and turns to the doorway. Harry begins talking large strides towards just stopping right in front of me.
He is looking down on me with bloodshot eyes. Has he been crying too?
"I am so-" he begins to speak but it gets caught in his throat and a soft sob comes out. I grab his arm and gently pull him into my house so the neighbors didn't have to see us being vulnerable.
Kitty follows in behind us but he goes straight to his room without looking back.
Harry cautiously moves near the couch and sits on the edge. I sit right next to him looking down at my hands in my lap, picking at my fingernails.
Eventually after a bit of silence he looks over at me. "Juliette, my love, I am so sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did. I just, I just got scared. Thats no excuse and I understand if you don't want to see me anymore but please," he takes a sharp breath composing himself before beginning again, "you don't need to forgive me but know that I know what I did was wrong. I am so sorry."
With that, he closes his eyes and just hangs his head. I don't know what to say. Now a small tear escapes my eye while my head hangs low, reflecting Harrys movements.
I bring my hand over to Harrys knee, setting it on top and giving it a small squeeze to signal that I accept his apology. He brings his hand and gently sets it on top of mine.
"I do eat, Harry." I say only barley above a whisper, "I am trying so hard."
He looks over at me staring holes into my head. "Talk to me about it, my love, please, let me in."
Now I let my silent tears fall down my face and into my lap. Not even trying to hold them in anymore.
"I have issues with eating," I begin to speak and Harry silently nods for me to continue, not saying anything to me. "Uhm when I used to live with my parents they uh used to put me on these diets." I have never talked to anyone about this before . My grandmother knew about it but she never pressed me to talk, Betty knew about it but she never brought it up. Thats all.
"What do ya mean 'diets?'" He question me and scoots over closer so my shoulder is rubbing against his arm.
"They would uh just control what types of food I could eat." I'm not sure what to say but I continue. "My mother would count my calories and if it looked like I was getting too fat she would shame me for it, I ended up making myself throw up what I would eat."
Harry wraps his arm around my waist and I lean my head on his shoulder. "I don't eat much now but not because I still have the same habits I did back then, I just physically can't eat as much. I just can't hold as much food as everyone else. I am trying to though, I really am, I swear."
Harry turns so the top half of his body is facing me and he hugs me. A big, tight hug. He was squeezing me, holding onto me like I was going to leave.
"Can I take you somewhere?" He whispers into my hair and I shake my head yes.