Sabrina went back to her conservatory, intending to relax a little before deciding where to sleep that night. Darice prowled the conservatory apartments restlessly while Sabrina tried to interest herself in replanting another of the rosebushes. But she couldn't work up the energy to do so, and in the end, she just sat down beneath the Peace rose and let her mind wander.
Two years ago, she had been a reasonably carefree college student. Now she had a job running a planet technically at war; a brother who might be a secret assassin; a father who looked after her but, she suspected, would reluctantly sacrifice her for the sake of his planet if necessary; a whole bevy of young people asking her advice and approval of their love lives; and people in several solar systems watching her every move. And she had sent her closest friends away, out of necessity—Mara and Tirqwin for their safety and Haaron for all their sakes. Somehow, Scotty's return made her realize how very alone she was. And that was dangerous. How could someone in her position, with all the stress and strain that entailed, survive without a shoulder to lean on occasionally?
She thought fleetingly of her friends on Earth, especially her childhood friends Cynthia and Kath. She smiled a little as she pictured Cynthia telling her to stop worrying so much and get on with it, and Kath telling her what she really needed was a good party. Maybe that's it. I'll throw a party. I'll say it's for Scotty's homecoming, and that'll make Rayland happy and show everybody that I'm happy he's back. And by the time I get it planned, maybe the task force will be back with something else to party about, too. I'll talk to Sehaèri in the morning...oh, she's still not very happy with me. Well, maybe this will give her something to keep her occupied.
Sabrina let out a gusty sigh and leaned her head back, closing her eyes. She sat there in silence for a long time.
"Now there's a pretty composition," Tassan said, and she opened her eyes with a start to find him standing in front of her with a wry grin. "If I were painting it, I think I'd call it The Dream. Or, since it doesn't appear to have been very happy, The Awakening."
"How about Very Tired Woman Under a Rosebush?" Sabrina suggested. "I didn't hear you come up; I must have dozed off for a moment. I didn't think I was sleepy."
"I'm sorry to have disturbed you, but I was beginning to yield to the temptation to draw you, and I remember promising to ask permission first."
"No, please don't, not right now."
"No, now that you're awake, I can see you aren't in the mood for art. Conversation, perhaps? Or shall I go away and leave you to your dozing?"
"No," Sabrina said, a little sharply. She was aching to talk things over with someone, she realized. "No, please don't go. I'd like to talk, if you think you're up to listening to my troubles. Though why you should get stuck with a job like that is beyond me."
"Perhaps because that way, I get to look at the roses from your point of view?" he suggested with a smile, settling down on the floor beside her. "Talk away, my lady. My attention is riveted on your every word."
"My brother's back; did you know? No? I guess the rumor mill takes a little longer at night. General Zhahghai found him on Ariesafal."
"Ariesafal!" Tassan exclaimed. Then he laughed. "Well! I have missed an interesting trip, then."
"He did say you'd regret not going when you heard."
"I don't think my feelings are quite as extreme as regret. A mild curiosity, perhaps. But my lady, for someone who has had her brother miraculously restored to her, you don't look as ecstatic as one might expect."
"Is it miraculous? Or is it part of somebody's plan?" Her voice hardened. "Homeworld is out to get me any way they can. There's no secret about that. Rayland says they wouldn't use Scotty because he's so obvious, but...what if he's part of a worse plan? What if they use some other means to get rid of me, and then Mara and Tirqwin come back, and they use Scotty to get to them?"
Tassan was silent for a while. Then he said, "My, you are having nightmares, aren't you? What does your father say to that?"
"Nothing. It only occurred to me a little while ago."
"And you don't believe the Queen and her husband would notice if your brother acted oddly?"
"They'd expect him to be grieving. They probably wouldn't think anything of it if he were a little out of control. They'd...they'd feel so bad. They'd think they killed me, you see. I didn't want to take this job. I said I wouldn't. They were going to trick me into it, until Khediva made Tirqwin tell me the truth. I...I did it for him. For them. I can't explain.... I'm partly responsible for that marriage. Mostly responsible. Tirqwin thought it would be easier to die. I couldn't stand the thought of shoving him into this mess and then not doing everything I could to make sure it worked. And Mara still needs some time. So either it was the regency, or bailing out altogether, abandoning them. That would have made everything I'd done count for nothing. I couldn't. And Rayland was doing Scotty so much good, I thought this way they could have some more time together as well. If I went back home, I know Scotty'd go too."
"And so you did it for everybody but yourself," Tassan concluded. "You thought you could make the sacrifice, but you didn't know how overwhelming it was going to be."
"Yes. That's it exactly. I guess I never thought.... I asked Tirqwin, the night before I became Regent, if he didn't think Homeworld would try to kill me too."
"And what did he say?"
"He said they might. It was killing him to think it; I could see that. So I let him off the hook. I said I'd do it. After all, my oath of service to Mara means that if my death is the best way to serve, then I have to die."
"Not quite, I fancy," Tassan said dryly.
"Yes," Sabrina insisted. "Go where we're sent, do what we're ordered, as Scotty put it."
"Nobody's ordered you to die. In fact, given the option, I'm sure Her Majesty would order you to live," Tassan said.
"Oh, doubtless. But she was also ready to order me to be regent. If death is the inevitable outcome of that, then—"
"But it isn't," Tassan pointed out. "My lady, you are well guarded, and not just by your bodyguards."
Sabrina gave a weary laugh. "Yes, I'm safe with you, aren't I? You've proved that."
"That is not quite what I meant, though I would certainly do everything I could to ensure your safety." He frowned into the distance. "I think it is not so much that you are worried about your death, but about your life."
"Possibly. I do wonder how much longer I'll be able to go on bearing all this."
"You do seem isolated. It's not good. Why, look, here you are talking to me—and I'm sure someone has told you I'm not a fit companion for the Regent—instead of to a more suitable person. That tells me either you don't trust them, or you don't feel comfortable with them, or you feel too responsible for them to share your burdens with them."
"It's not an easy thing to find friends in this position. It's part of why I knew Mara had to have Tirqwin. She may never be able to make real friends, though I know she'll always have loyal and caring people around her. If Haaron were here I would be talking to him...." She sighed.
"But you sent him off to Lthos. What about Therenden nar Jhovhar? I've heard you used to spend a great deal of time with him."
"He's quite busy. So is Lady Selémahs. So is everyone." Sabrina closed her eyes and leaned her head back again.
Tassan said, "Well, I am at your service to use as you will—as long as I have access to the roses. And, perhaps, if you use me too harshly I will demand the privilege of painting you."
"Actually, since we let my father believe that you are, I think I should sit for you—for the hologram, I mean. You don't have to paint; we could always say we disagreed over it or something."
"I should like to paint it. But not with you in mourning."
"In silver, with white roses?" Sabrina said, with the hint of a smile.
"Yes. And not with those lines of strain around your eyes. I want you relaxed when you sit for me. We shall have to think about how to achieve that." He stood and held out his hands to her. "You need to be amused."
"Oh...not tonight," she protested.
"I know, you would rather sit here and brood about your brother. But believe me, that would be a waste of time. Come," he said imperatively.
"Are you actually daring to give me an order?" she inquired, cocking her head curiously at him.
"Yes. By authority of my artistic judgment. I want to paint you with life, not death, in your eyes. Call your maid or whoever and tell them to find you a silver dress."
"There's no need. I have one in mind; I wore it while we were living aboard Khediva. But really, not tonight."
"And why not? You have no plans; you were going to sit here and think yourself miserable, then go to bed and have nightmares."
Sabrina allowed him to pull her up, looking at him with exasperation. "You're not going to take even a royal no for an answer, are you?"
"No, I'm not," he grinned. "And lucky for you! Where's your bodyguard?"
Darice appeared. "Did someone want me?" She looked at Sabrina expectantly.
Sabrina gestured to Tassan. "He seems to have taken over this evening."
Darice suppressed a grin, but her eyes danced as she looked at Tassan. "Well then, sir?"
"How much of a fuss do you suppose it would cause if the Regent decided to go out tonight?"
"Quite a lot," Darice replied. "The Commander doesn't wish her to leave the palace."
"Poor girl, no wonder you're depressed," Tassan said to Sabrina, shaking his head with a sympathetic grin. "Not allowed out! Well, that puts paid to my plans! Major, tell me, what do the inmates here do for amusement?"
Darice's grin got away from her. "Well, some of the officers go down to the zero-gee gym and do some moving target practice."
"Laser tag?" Sabrina said. "They shoot at each other?"
"Occasionally," Darice chuckled. "But the real target is a very small, fast-moving ball. It, um, shoots back."
"Well," Tassan said, "I've not had much practice shooting anything smaller than an Xoentrol, but I'm willing to give it a try. My lady?"
"I haven't done much target practice lately, but I think my father would approve," Sabrina replied. "I could use the workout, too."
"Perfect," Tassan said. "Major, can you arrange it?"
"Certainly. If you would like to change clothes and meet us in Control?"
"Fine." He bowed briefly and left.
Darice regarded Sabrina speculatively. "This should be fun."
Sabrina said, "Do you think I'm making a mistake?"
"No, ma'am." Darice followed her downstairs.
"The others don't seem to like him much."
"They don't know him very well, and, if you'll forgive my saying so, they disapprove because he's not Miahn and not noble," Darice said. "He was a good soldier, and an honest man, and a compassionate friend. I don't see anything to object to in that."
"How do you know him so well?"
"He served with my sister. She spoke of him now and then, and after she died, one of her squadmates told me how he tried to save her life. I didn't remember his first name, so I didn't realize it was him until after the night you were attacked. Then I researched him a little. Since then we've talked. My lady...I know it's not my place, but...you seem so lonely and you work so hard. You never look happy or relaxed, but when you're talking to him you seem...less harassed. I'd like him for that if nothing else."
"Thank you," Sabrina said. "My father has told me it is inappropriate for me to spend time alone with him, but I don't want Sehaèri or the others around. They don't like him, and he knows it. I know it's not your job to be a chaperone, but since you have to be with me most of the time anyway...."
"I don't mind, my lady," Darice assured her. "And I wasn't very far away tonight. I could hear your voices, but not what you were saying. I think that's chaperonage enough, don't you?"
"Yes. Thank you."