He's still here, just like he said he would be. I wake with him spooning me and I grin when I feel him kiss my neck.
"Good morning, gorgeous."
I turn slightly and then quickly place my palm over my mouth. Kieran sends me a look and I shake my head, mumbling, "morning breath". I struggle to get out of bed, his arms not letting me go.
"I don't care about morning breath, get over here. I want snuggles!" He whines to me. Crazy how he goes from dirty talk to whining in just a few hours.
I start to laugh but continue to fight against him. "I care. Morning breath is gross. I promise I'll come back once I brush my teeth."
Kieran sighs in defeat, finally giving up. I rush to put on one of my oversized sweatshirts and some panties to cover my naked body before exiting the room and making my way to the bathroom. I make sure to check that Alice's door is shut before I enter the bathroom and begin brushing my teeth. The last thing I need is Alice asking questions this early in the morning while Kieran is in my bed.
After rinsing with mouthwash and using the toilet, I wash my hands and sneak back into my room to find Kieran still laying down.
"Finally. I've been lost in this bed without you." He gives me a pout and I giggle.
"I'm back, quit your crying." I pounce onto my queen-sized bed, landing next to him. This isn't close enough apparently because he snatches me so I'm sitting on his waist, my legs on either side of him. I'm a little upset that he put his boxer briefs back on.
"This is a compromising position, Mr. Mysterious. No funny business is allowed this early in the morning." I wiggle my finger at him, his eyes following it with a glare.
"It's always time for funny business, but I'll listen for now," he laughs. "I just want you closer to me and I'm not going to apologize for it."
I smile at him and wriggle a little, making sure my weight isn't fully on him.
"Stop. You're not crushing me," he chides. "In fact, lay on me more please." Kieran pulls my arms across his body so I'm now lying on his chest. I groan, trying to fix this situation so my body weight isn't on him.
"Kieran, I'm going to hurt you!"
"No, you're not. Stop fighting me. I promise I'm okay."
I halt my movements, realizing I'm probably making it worse by moving so much. I sigh and grunt in response.
"There you go. Much better."
I hear the smile in his voice, and I can't help by roll my eyes, causing him to lightly tap my ass. This guy, I swear. He's being so clingy and flirty right now, and I'm enjoying it. We lie there for a few moments while I start to overthink.
"Penny for your thoughts?" I hear him whisper into my hair. He's stroking my curly locks again and I almost moan because of how good it feels.
"Where were you the last couple of weeks?"
I hear his heart begin to speed up and I place my palm on it before speaking again. "I know you telling me about Jillian was hard, and I'm trying to be understanding. I just want to know you and I want to know you aren't going to keep disappearing on me."
He continues to touch my hair and rub circles on my thigh. It seems like he wants to touch me constantly and I'm not complaining.
"I'm scared, Gemma. I'm really scared to get close to anyone after what happened to Jillian. I can feel myself wanting to get attached to you and it's honestly freaking me out. Whenever I see you, I'm so happy and I haven't let myself feel that emotion in such a long time.
"I know it sounds like such a lame excuse, but I've built so many walls up that I don't really know how to function without them. I know it's a lot to ask of you to be patient with me, but can you try?"
His breathing is fast, and I know he's nervous. I also know that I'm going to be patient because it's him. It's Kieran. This beautiful man who walked into my life almost a month ago. He's going to be worth it; I feel it in my bones.
"Yes, I'll try." I kiss his chest and lie my head down, listening to his erratic heart. "Just promise not to disappear for too long."
--
Over the next week, Kieran and I see each other almost every day. I'm glad he hasn't run off on me again. We spend a lot of time at my apartment with Alice and alone in my room, listening to music or watching movies. We even talked about concerts we went to growing up and realized that we were at a lot of the same ones. I can't even believe that considering I feel I would have remembered him.
Kieran told me he wasn't as good looking then as he is now, and I of course rolled my eyes at that. I've noticed he doesn't really like that because whenever I do it, he either gives me a look or a light tap on the rear.
We haven't kissed at all since that night. We've hugged, he's given me innocent touches, played with my hair, and even rubbed my back, but no kissing or anything risky. It's driving me insane and even though I'm craving his lips, it's also exciting to build up the suspense all over again. So much so, that I've been really acquainted with the friend in my nightstand lately.
Alice has been giving me a lot of shit because she's seen how much sexual tension there is again, but I don't want to rush him. I know he wants to kiss me, but I think he's waiting for the right time. I'm not going to initiate it because I want him to be ready.
It's Friday now and I'm going home to see Stacey again. I'm also going to be seeing my dad. Not being around Kieran today other than at work for a few minutes is a little weird, but I honestly can't wait to see Stacey so we can process things a little bit. It's going to be a filled session, that's for sure.
Kieran had asked where I was going, and I told him that I'm going home for the night. I didn't know how he'd take it if I said I was going to a therapy session, so I decided that was a discussion for a later date. I said I was spending some time with my dad, which isn't a total lie. He told me to have fun and to text him when I made it.
So that's what I'm doing.
Me: Made it. Don't have too much fun tonight without me. ;)
Kieran: There is no fun without you. Don't be silly. :)
I smile at his response and put the phone in my cross-body purse, stepping out of my car and locking it. I walk into Stacey's office and greet the receptionist. Within five minutes, I'm spilling my guts. I tell her about Kieran and how he's been taken over my focus over the last month. I tell her about some of the insecurities I've been feeling but also how I've felt empowered, leaving out the specifics of my newfound experiences in bed. I explain my current anxiety about him disappearing again and how he told me about his past.
I tell her a little about what he told me about Jillian because it's important to my therapy. Everything is confidential, so I'm not worried about that. I need help processing and figuring out where his head could be.
Stacey stares at me and takes notes, listening intently. When I finally stop to take a breath, she's silent.
"So...." I pop my lips, rubbing my sweaty hands on my jeans, "Are you going to say anything?"
She grins and nods slowly, thinking about her answer.
"Yes. I just wanted to give you a few moments. That was quite a bit of information. But I guess I'm wondering what you're looking for me to say?"
I hate when she does this. I know there's a purpose to her asking me a question like that, but that doesn't mean it isn't annoying.
"I want to know I'm not crazy," I laugh nervously. I know she's not going to like that answer.
"You're never crazy. It sounds like you are thinking that you are, though. Why?"
"I feel like I'm just obsessing over him, and I've never done this before. It's always been school, work, repeat. I rarely have fun. Now suddenly, I'm going out to the club with my friends, and I have a crush on this guy who is mysterious and intriguing and for lack of a better word, 'damaged', and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm 'damaged' too but he doesn't know that yet.
"I want to tell him about myself, but I don't know how. I know I'm not crazy, I do. I just have a lot of thoughts and a lot of anxiety about opening up to someone." I take a deep breath, realizing I was rambling.
Stacey nods again and I sigh, knowing she's waiting for me to continue.
"Basically, my anxiety over being vulnerable is increasing. I also know my dad isn't going to be happy if he finds out I'm 'dating' someone. I don't have to tell him, and I know that, but I am also terrible at keeping secrets. Kieran has become a big part of my life in such a short amount of time and it's scary. It's almost as if he knows what I'm thinking before I think it. He says I remind him of Jillian so maybe that's why? I don't know. Can you please talk now?" I plead to my very patient therapist.
She smiles in response. "Yes, I can talk now. I want to tell you first how big of a step it is that you're self-aware. You know what is giving you anxiety and you want to find a way to work with it. You are also wanting to work through the issues you have with vulnerability. Gemma, you should be proud of yourself."
I feel a flush run through me at her compliment. I'm not used to getting those.
"Second, I want to tell you that it's okay to be scared. It sounds like you think Kieran is someone who could be good for you, so you'd like to give it a try. Sure, it makes you anxious and scared and it means you have to be vulnerable, but what is life without those things?"
I nod, taking a breath in and letting it out as she continues.
"You're correct, you don't have to tell your dad about Kieran, but if you think it will do more harm than good if you keep it from him, then tell him tonight when you go home. Rip off the band-aid, so to speak. As far as your anxiety, what do you think would help with this? Kieran shared a large part of himself with you, so how do you think you can approach talking about yourself in a way that will make you feel more relaxed?"
I think for a moment, tapping my foot against the carpeted floor.
"I think just prefacing the conversation as me opening up to him and being vulnerable, and then being honest that it's scary for me to do so. He did that with me, and I think it helped both of us. I could also make sure I'm in a place I feel safe."
"That sounds like a great plan."
I let out another breath that I've been holding and look to the clock. Just a few minutes left.
"Is there anything else you'd like to cover before we end today?" Stacey asks me, searching my face for any lingering words that I haven't yet spewed.
"I think I want to tell you that even though I initially felt like this was possibly a setback for my progress with my self-image and my anxiety, I don't think it is anymore," I shake my head with realization. "I think this is me growing and learning how to deal with additional things on my metaphorical 'plate'. Therapy is always a process, and healing is never linear. I think I'm still healing."
I look up to Stacey and I see her eyes shining towards me. I'm happy with my inner-therapist.
"I couldn't have said it better myself, Gemma."