Cami POV:
Despite the only sound around me being Harry's light snores, I had deafening thoughts ringing through my own mind. I couldn't close my eyes without guilty thoughts screaming out at me. It was nearly three in the morning and I hadn't slept a wink. I had been able to get through the day with minor complications and tonight of all nights ended up being the one where my mind would not shut off. Between Charli's and Harry's insisting that I forget about everything going on with my Mother, that was the last thing I seemed to be able to do. All other nights I somehow managed to push it aside and ignore it until I fell unconscious. They were all coming head to head, pushing down on me so heavily, I thought I might suffocate. Everything had been going so well, it was no wonder they had managed to turn around so quickly. Nothing stayed that good for long, at least from my experience it hadn't. The saying when it rains it pours, seemed to fit quite nicely to my current predicament and I only expected it to get worse. I just couldn't get my body to relax. It was going into overdrive, running on adrenaline and what little amount of wine was left in my system from dinner. I was so exhausted and should have had no problem drifting right off to sleep. Instead, Harry's eyes closed over two hours ago and I was staring up at the ceiling, unable to silence the disturbing truths I might face if I didn't go see my Mother soon. Every option was running through my head and I couldn't stay laying in bed thinking about them all any longer.
I slowly lifted Harry's arm up from around my waist and let it gently fall to the mattress. I slid out from under the covers, careful not to wake him. I padded across the floor and silently rummaged through his drawers to find his grey hoodie that I usually wore. I looked back at his sleeping body when he stirred lowly, but he still seemed to be asleep. I tiptoed down the glass staircase, my steps slower than usual since there was little light illuminating my path. If my body wouldn't let me rest until I reached a decision, I needed to do it outside of the bedroom of my sleeping boyfriend.
I flicked on the lights in the living room and plopped myself down on the leather sofa with the tv remote in hand. Noise, any noise at all was what I needed to drown out the prevalent sounds going off in my head. I flipped through a few channels, but nothing was sufficient in getting me out of my own head. I switched the tv off, annoyed of the non existent ability it had to distract me. I held my head in my hands, feeling my eyes drooping and burning in exhaustion. My mind refused to allow me to get any sort of relief and there was nothing more irritating. I wanted to cry and scream out of pure frustration. It took a lot for me to breakdown and lately I had been doing it more than usual. It felt like every couple of weeks something happened that tore away a little piece of me. This week happened to be a sizeable chunk and I could feel its' effects mentally and physically.
Why did everything have to be so hard?
I was having a great day, all of Harry's surprises only adding to it. It all came crashing down the second he fell asleep and I was left alone with my thoughts. I couldn't help but let them drift toward my Mother, my parents in general. It was in my nature to blame them when things went wrong and this time it was actually justifiable. Why did they always seem to ruin things for me?
My parents fell out of love when I was just a child. Not even five years old when my Mother left, I could still recount the days leading up to it. They had slowly drifted apart and it was apparent to everyone around them. It was gradual, building up everytime he went away on a business trip or forgot an anniversary. I could vividly recall the last fight they ever had. I was sitting at the top of the staircase, watching tears run down my mother's face as awful words flew out of her mouth. My Father, as usual was completely calm and indifferent. He didn't hold the slightest look of panic and he let her leave without ever trying to win her back. What I never understood growing up, was why she never took me with her. She knew how cold and distant my Father could be and yet she left a fragile little girl in his care without looking back. That was what made me hate her, what stopped me from ever seeking her out. If it was so easy for her to leave me, she clearly didn't love me at all. My fatal flaw derived from that exact fact.
If my own Mother didn't love me, how could I expect anyone else to?
That question haunted me constantly. It was the reason I ran scared from anyone caring about me, the reason I was hesitant to visit her. She left me behind without saying goodbye, why should I grant her the pleasantry of doing so before she died? She didn't even want to see me, she valued me so little and I let her control my life for over fifteen years.
All of this was too much, too humiliating to think about. I felt so stupid for letting her have so much control over my life when she hadn't been a part of it since I was in pre-K. Realizing all of this, I had no control over the tears that fell from my eyes. My sobs came soon after and I struggled to silence them. I was so focused on keeping my blubbering at bay, I didn't even notice Harry standing before me.
"Hey, baby what's wrong?" A flash of worry filled his features and it only led to a loud cry to escape my lips.
I covered my face with my hands, embarrassed by the pathetic display I was putting on. I felt warm hands grab my own and pull them away from me. I hadn't gathered enough courage to look up and I could feel my lip quivering as I tried to pull myself together. Harry had seen me cry more times than almost anyone else.
"Camille, what happened? Are you okay?" He was panicked and it was obvious in his voice.
When I finally managed to meet his gaze, I could see the apprehension in his eyes from just looking at me. His gaze flickered to my tear stained cheeks and he wiped away at them with his thumbs. He held my face gently in his hands and rubbed his fingers soothingly over my temples. I couldn't bring myself to speak just yet and I hiccuped the first time I tried. He took a seat beside me and we stayed there for many long minutes as he patiently waited until I gained some amount of composure. My tears had stopped and my breathing was even, but I still remained silent. Just his touch alone soothed me and I wasn't ready to break out of the calm I had found in his hold.
"Cami?" he questioned lightly.
I was scared if I tried to speak I would burst out into tears, but I took a deep breath and sniffled away the moment of weakness I had sucumbed to.
"I couldn't sleep," I murmured.
My voice was uneven and filled with exhaustion, but he nodded his head, urging me to continue. I remained silent, not sure how to explain what exactly was going on in my head. There were so many factors that had led to my breakdown, most of which I wasn't even able to make sense of.
"Why were you crying?" he finally asked at my lack of an answer.
"I can't stop thinking about her," I choked out.
I could feel the tears building up in the back of my throat. I managed to repress them and keep myself collected.
Understanding washed over his features. "Your Mum?"
I nodded my head and he sighed as he pulled me on to his lap. I rested my head on his bare shoulder and held his hand tightly in mine.
"She didn't even love me, why should I even care to say goodbye?" I knew it was horrible, but I couldn't help but feel it.
"I'm sure that's not true," he countered.
He didn't know any better, or the full story. He couldn't help but biasly think of the undying love Mothers were supposed to have for their children. He really didn't know how misguided it was when it was concerning Diane.
"It is. She and my Father don't give a shit about me. That's the way it's always been and it's exactly how she wants it to stay until she's gone."
Confusion took over Harry's face. I hadn't told him that my Mother wished I didn't go visit her. He only knew I was struggling with my own decision of if I was willing to see her one last time.
"What are you talking about?" he questioned.
"She told my Father that she didn't want to see me. He said something about her not wanting me to remember her like that."
I couldn't help but find the statement ironic. It wasn't like I would have much else to remember her by anyways. Old pictures and some memories were the only image I ever had of her. The sight of her in a hospital wouldn't take away from whatever she was trying to preserve.
"I'm sorry," he said simply.
Only he would apologize for something he had absolutely no role in.
"She never wanted me, she left me and now she doesn't even want me to say goodbye." I felt my voice raise along with my anger and resentment. "She doesn't love me. Nobody loves me." I felt the tears from before resurface and this time I couldn't hold them down.
I was loud and uncontrollable. My breathing was strangled and I didn't care, all I wanted was to scream until I felt better and that's exactly what I did. I didn't bother trying to hold it in, I needed to let it all out. I cried and I made no effort to be quiet about it. It was all too much to hold in. I couldn't be okay anymore, I had let myself be a mess. I pulled away from Harry's arms and angrily grabbed at the roots of my hair. Girl interrupted had nothing on me.
"Baby, stop." Harry begged.
His eyes widened, my reaction surprising him greatly. It was clear he didn't know how to make me feel better, to make this burning in my chest go away. It wasn't possible for anyone to have done that, not even him. It had taken over me and I couldn't stop the tears dripping down my face. He was panicked and completely caught off guard. I couldn't even pull myself together long enough to show him I wasn't going insane. I continued mumbling incomprehensible words on top of my whimpers and paced around, trying to catch my breath.
"Cami!" Harry yelled, shaking me out of my daze.
I looked up at him, seeing nothing but adoration and concern.
"I love you, you hear me? I want you and I'll never leave you. I've fallen completely in love with you, and I need you to see that."
What?
My mind was hazy and I wasn't sure if I had actually heard those words leave his mouth. My lack of sleep made me question if he had even said anything at all, much less those three words. It couldn't be, he couldn't have said he loved me. Could he?
"You don't have to say it back, I just need you to know. So many people love you Cami and I'm one of them. I knew it from the moment we kissed at the concert, I felt it when you wouldn't talk to me after Christmas, and I wanted to tell you since I asked you to be my girlfriend. I love you and your parents are the biggest fools in the world for not knowing how amazing their daughter is."
He did say it, I wasn't imagining it. Harry loved me.
My mind was racing and challenging me to say something, but I couldn't. I had kept my heart so guarded with a concrete wall encasing it for so many years. Those hearfelt words began chipping away at the already crumbling wall.
I wanted to say it back, I wanted to tell him that he had made me happier than I had ever been. Not even with Jay did I ever feel so safe and adored. Harry had changed everything. He had taken this broken shell of a girl and started to put the pieces of her back together. I was almost whole again, until my Mother's impending death sent me crashing down, breaking me all over. I couldn't use the same pieces of her and move on. I needed to start fresh, to forgive and forget about whatever hand my parents had in picking me apart. The only way I could move on, was if I moved forward and there was no one I wanted to do it with more than Harry.
I parted my lips to speak only to be silenced by Harry's gentle finger against my mouth.
"It's okay, let's get some sleep." His gentle voice calmed every fear I had been facing for the last few hours. No matter what was wrong, Harry somehow found a way to make it right. I knew then that no matter what would come tomorrow, as long as I had him, I would be okay.
I nodded my head and silently followed him up the stairs with his hand in mine. I finally fell asleep wrapped in his arms without any difficulty.
Weather I decided to visit my Mother or not, I knew I needed let her go in all respects. It was the first time in all the years she had been gone, that I finally felt ready to do so.
Nothing was more relieving.