"I really like your John, he's a good guy, bit quiet but compared to the people we're used to everyone is," Tanzanite leant against the door frame, already dressed in her priestess robes and ready to start the ceremony whenever they were. "It's good to see Virgil again too, I've left Nikos with him so they can talk wolf stuff."
"Aww, that's nice, at least Nikos isn't at the mercy of Gordon and Alan," Selene paused to sweep another brush full of shadow across her left eyelid. "And I know John's great, obviously I like him too, since I'm marrying him and everything."
Tanzi smiled. "It's good to see you so happy, your aura is all big and shiny now, the last time I saw you it was pulled in tight and a dark, painful red. I've never met someone so prickly."
"I was having a bad time, OK. I'd been through some shit, I was still processing. You know what it's like with a prickly aura, no one comes near you if you don't want them to, it's your armour. It was my go away vibes."
"But you ended up with me anyway and I've never seen it work so quick."
Selene frowned. What the heck was she talking about? Was Tanzi getting her confused with someone else? She leant in closer to her mirror, only half listening to her friend as she balanced her elbow carefully on the dresser and swept a perfect line of black liquid liner along her lash line, flicking up in a little cat's eye.
"What happened quickly? The effectiveness of my idiot repelling aura?"
"No, dopey," Tanzi rolled her eyes. "You weren't that drunk that night."
"What night? I've got no idea what you're talking about."
"Solstice, two years ago? You joined in with my spell circle, the star wish?"
As soon as Tanzi said the words Selene knew exactly what she was referring to, the memories came rushing back like the words of a forgotten song, there at the back of your mind but unable to be conjured up until you heard it again.
Oh…crap! Her brain skidded to a halt, her heart pounding in her chest. Oh fuck… Oh no.
"Sel? Are you alright? Do you feel okay? Do I need to get someone for you?"
Oh shit, oh shit, oh fuck! Selene wrung her hands together, catching the ring on her finger where very soon another was supposed to join it.
"FUCK!"
What was she going to do? She had to tell him. She couldn't keep it from him, he had rights. He deserved to know. Gods, this could ruin everything.
She dropped her head into her hands. She'd known it was too good to be true. The fates were cruel bitches, toying with her heart for her own amusement.
"I'm gonna go and get your mum…"
"No!" Selene yelped, startling herself out of her panicking spiral. She glanced at the clock, an hour and a half, that's all they had left.
"John, I need to speak to him."
"Isn't it traditional that he doesn't see you-"
"Fuck tradition! I need him, please, please go, get out." She fumbled with her phone, fingers feeling uncoordinated, like useless lumpy sausages that wouldn't obey her commands. "I have to talk to him, right now. Where is he? I have to find him."
"I can stay if you need me."
"No, please , just go, I… I have to tell him something."
Tanzi looked like she wanted to argue, but the look she saw on Selene's face must have stopped her. "Okay," she sighed. "But I'll be right outside if you need me."
Selene nodded her thanks, not even looking up, too busy tapping away at the screen.
John's phone vibrated on the dressing table, already on silent. He frowned, not expecting any calls. The GDF were on hand to deal with any emergency calls they might get, EOS fielding them all, instructed that there was to be no interruptions. All his family were there already so there should be no one to even message him.
He picked it up, the screen unlocking automatically when it registered his hand print. His face creased into a worried frown as he read her message the simple words 'I have to tell you something' lacking her usual cheery tone. How could six little words sound so ominous, was she trying to scare him? What on earth could be wrong?
They had woken up at the ungodly hour of three in the morning after a very early night and, despite the early start, had both been in good spirits. They had laid together in bed for the first five minutes, just taking the time to cuddle and share a few whispered words before they had broken apart.
They weren't nervous, why should they be? They had been married her way for a year already and nothing had changed between them, why would this be any different? This was just a public, and legal, declaration of their commitment and love and he for one couldn't wait for it.
They had shared one last kiss, one last 'love you' and a 'see you soon' before she had been hustled off for a quick shower and then to begin her transformation into his bride. What could have changed since then?
Not bothering to button up his shirt or even pull on his suit pants he took the stairs two at a time, fixing a calming expression on his face that he really didn't feel. He burst into the guest room that had become wedding prep central, expecting to see the reason for his summoning.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?"
He stopped dead when he saw her face, registered the silent tear that escaped her iron-clad control.
"Selene?" he took a step forward but she stopped him with a swiftly raised hand.
"Please, I can't cope if you touch me, I won't be able to go through with this."
"Go through with what? Selene, sweetheart, you're scaring me right now." He'd only left her an hour ago, what could have happened in that short space of time? He wanted to hold her, wanted to pull her into his arms and promise her that they would fix whatever it was that was wrong, because surely it couldn't be that bad? They were getting married in just over an hour, everything was carefully planned and as perfect as it could ever be. Nothing should be wrong. He took another step but stopped when she shifted her stool back a bit. He understood not wanting to be touched, but that was a him thing, not a her thing. She always wanted comfort, she always wanted a hug. She was the first person to throw herself into his arms when she was upset, instinctively seeking him out. She didn't hide things from him, she didn't have secrets, so what the hell was this about?
He backed off, lowering himself into the seat she indicated, not saying a word, waiting for her to speak. Her words, when they finally came, left him cold and numb with shock, unable to believe what she had just said. He had to have made a mistake, he had to be wrong.
"I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"
"I said I can't marry you, not like this, I have to tell you the truth."
***
"Well, that was a nice evening, wasn't it?" Selene tried, needing to break the silence that had engulfed the car from the moment they had got in.
Nate ignored her, keeping his eyes firmly on the road ahead as he drove along the quiet streets.
"I know it's late, but do you maybe want to watch an episode of something when we get in? We could cuddle up on the sofa with a hot chocolate, that might be nice."
Nothing. She glanced over to see his fingers stiff on the wheel, his jaw clenched in obvious annoyance. Shit.
"Or we could just go straight to bed if you're tired, or even if you're not…" she let her sentence trail off, her offer clear. Honestly she wasn't in the mood for anything like that, all she wanted was a shower and to go to sleep but he was forever complaining that she didn't initiate proceedings enough and that he always had to do the hard work.
He shot a sideways glance at her, accompanied by an impatient dismissive noise.
"I guess that's a no then," she sighed. "I'm sorry, I just thought it might be a nice way to round off our evening, we don't go out much anymore and it was nice to get out of the house. We don't do enough together anymore."
He declined to answer.
"Okay, I'm sorry, I'll let you concentrate on the road." Driving looked so complicated. He told her that it was simple but the two times he had tried to teach her had ended in disaster.
Apparently she was not a good student in anything but her incompatibility with anything technical or mechanical had shone through.
He'd been incredibly frustrated with her and her inability to grasp even the most simple of his instructions. He had given her a brief run down of what everything did and then expected her to be able to drive instantly.
It's simple, he had said, a monkey could drive, You're doing this on purpose, he'd accused, you're taking the piss out of me, wasting my time. You don't actually want to drive, you're being deliberately dense so that, as usual, I have to drive everywhere so you can just sit back like Lady Muck and be chauffeured around like you own the joint. Too big for your own boots, you are.
They'd given up after that and she'd been put off the idea of ever getting behind the wheel ever again.
He kept up his stony silence until he swung the car into the drive and yanked on the parking break, cutting the engine.
He opened his door and got out, shutting it quietly behind him. She scrambled to keep up, fumbling hands undoing her seat belt and grabbing for her bag and coat. She got out of the car, knowing he was waiting to lock it behind her and Nate didn't like to wait.
She hugged her coat to her chest like it was a Teddy bear, preparing herself for the worst, not knowing what form his bad mood was going to take. Would he take his silent rain cloud mood to bed with them? That wouldn't be so bad actually, at least that way she would be able to go to sleep early and get the day over with as soon as possible.
Even though she was prepared, Selene still jumped as the door slammed violently behind her, trapping her in the hallway with him between her and freedom.
"Why did you do that?" he demanded to know, although he kept his tone low and even, as if he were making an effort to be reasonable. Slowly, methodically, he stripped off his jacket and tossed it over the banister as he always did even though they had perfectly good coat hooks by the door.
"I…I didn't do anything." Her fingers tightened on her bag strap, needing to feel something solid, safe.
He bent down to remove one shoe, then the other.
"Well, you would say that, wouldn't you? You never think you've done anything wrong, but that's your problem, you never think. Do you even have a brain in that head of yours? Because I'm seriously beginning to doubt it."
"I'm sorry," she whispered, keeping her eyes lowered, not willing to risk looking at him and pissing him off further, of breaking through his tightly held control to the anger that she knew was bubbling away underneath.
He was right, she hadn't thought hard enough about what she was doing or what she was saying, she should have known better. She knew she was embarrassing, knew that she didn't act the right way or say the right things, but she was trying so hard and he was giving her no credit at all.
She'd known she would be in for shit as soon as they got home because he'd gone silent on her. He always did that, refused to talk to her the whole time, refusing to answer her, leaving her to worry and stew on the ramifications of the things she'd supposedly done wrong that time. It was hard to tell, he changed his mind on what he found acceptable as often as she changed her underwear. What was acceptable one social occasion would be considered as her greatest fuck up the next.
"Oh, you're sorry?" he echoed, forcing out a humourless laugh. "You're always sorry, but you never do a fucking thing about it! YOU NEVER CHANGE, SELENE!"
The change in volume made her jump, as well he knew. He knew her well, knew how she reacted to certain triggers, to certain things he said or did.
"I'm sorry ...I'll try harder, I'll change. I just need to know what you want from me."
"I just want you to be normal! Is that too much to fucking ask? That my woman isn't a fucking freak that I can't take anywhere for fear that she's going to open her big, fat mouth and say something stupid? Ghosts this time? Fucking ghosts! What are you, some kind of idiot? All I want you to do is keep your fucking mouth shut and not show me up in front of my friends every time I'm good enough to take you out somewhere."
"Maybe if we went out with my friends -"
"Your friends? Those weirdos are as bad as you! I thought I told you not to see them any more? They're a bad influence on you, they encourage you in your ridiculous ways. Well no more, I've had it, Selene, this is the last time. You need to grow the fuck up before it's too late."
"No, they aren't, they are my friends, good friends-"
"Oh, just good friends are they? Bullshit! You just don't give a shit about what I want or how I feel. You're probably lining up your next sucker ready to take my place once you've bled me dry."
"That's not true, I'd never do that."
"Bullshit! I've seen the way you act with your 'friends'. You're always hanging all over them, always touching them, it's not right, Selene, it's not appropriate. You have no self respect, acting like a slut to anyone that comes along that might give you an ounce of attention, admit it, you're just an attention whore. You love the spotlight, you love to be the center of attention, always saying and doing your weird shit to get people to notice you."
"I have never been inappropriate with anyone, not at all."
"So you think that's appropriate, do you? You think that touching other people, hugging other people is allowed? Do you know how it feels to have people asking you if your woman is cheating on you because of how she acts?"
"What others think shouldn't matter."
"Of course it does! You just ignore it! People think you're a freak and a tramp. You don't care about what others think or if you make them uncomfortable, you only care about yourself. I'm not the only one that's noticed it or that thinks it's not right, but you don't seem to care about the fact that you have a fiancé and that they have wives and girlfriends, you just drape yourself all over them like it's normal. Well it's not. It doesn't seem to matter to you what others want as long as you're getting your own way, as long as you're getting the attention."
She stayed silent, not knowing what to say that wouldn't make things worse.
"What, you've got nothing to say now that there's no one here to listen to your shit? No one here to embarrass me in front of? Not gonna deny that you're sleeping around?"
She shook her head, not even willing to try to talk to him but needing to deny his accusation. She knew this mood and she didn't like it. He'd never see anyone's view but his own. She'd told him time and time again that she wasn't doing anything wrong, she was just an affectionate person, she didn't think there was anything wrong with cuddling someone that wasn't him. She'd given up on trying to convince him she wasn't cheating on him, he had his own views and his own opinions. This conversation turn happened on a regular basis, every time she went out somewhere, talked to a friend on the phone or had any kind of life away from him.
He snorted, apparently unimpressed with her silence, yet another thing to add to the list of things he wasn't happy with that evening, her latest fuck up giving him all the ammunition he needed to start a argument and let all his frustrations out on her.
She had tried so hard to follow his orders and do her best and she'd thought she'd managed it, they had made it all the way through to dessert and she'd kept her head down and mouth shut. She hadn't meant to fuck up and let it slip out, she'd been trying to keep it on the down low. But the spirit had been right there beside his friend and had been trying to get his attention. Selene had tried to ignore it, she'd looked away and refused to look back, but something must have shown on her face. She'd been distracted, trying so hard to keep her attention on her plate and away from the spirit that she didn't register that his words were meant as a joke.
If she'd had been paying attention when Nate's other friend had told her that she looked like she had seen a ghost, she wouldn't have been so shocked and would have stopped herself before she could ask if he saw it too.
All conversation at the table had stopped at her question and all heads had swivelled in her direction. It was at that moment that she'd known she had fucked up yet again.
Nate had looked at her with pure hatred in his eyes, his nostrils flaring like he'd just smelt something rotten and the rotten thing was her. He'd lectured her the whole way to the restaurant, reminding her of all the times she'd embarrassed him before and how many times she'd said the wrong thing.
"Well? Answer me!"
Shit, she had zoned out again, what had he said? She didn't dare ask him to repeat himself. One of his many pet peeves with her was when he thought she wasn't listening to him.
"I'm sorry," she began, struggling to stay calm, trying so hard to keep the tears at bay. He hated it when she cried, he said it was just an act to make him feel sorry for her, self pitying bullshit, he called it. She couldn't help it that she was sensitive or that confrontation often made her cry from the stress of it.
"You aren't sorry, you're never sorry, you dumb bitch!" She didn't see the hand coming until it was too late to duck, an open handed slap that snapped her head back making her gasp in shock as the firey pain spread across her cheek and lip where it had split open, his ring having grazed her skin.
Tears filled her eyes as she rounded on him, but they were those of anger, not hurt.
"Get the fuck out of this house."
"Excuse me? How dare you! You're the one in the wrong here! You finally managed to stop stuffing your fat face long enough to talk and that's what you came out with?"
"No, how dare you. How dare you lay a hand on me! How dare you talk to me like I'm a piece of shit on your shoe! No more, Nathaniel, no more. We're over. Get out." He had to be able to hear the anger in her voice, the conviction, but he chose to ignore it.
"You don't mean that," he sneered. "This isn't the first time you've broken up with me. You'll come crawling back, you always do."
"Not this time," she took the heavy ring off her finger, the one that he insisted on buying, insisted she wear even though she hadn’t wanted it. He’d never asked her to marry him, he’d just told her they were going to get married and that everyone would know that she was his. His woman, his property, his object to own and display when he felt like it and tuck away when he didn't.
It was ugly, gaudy, too large for her slender fingers, a big emerald, a stone she didn’t like that didn't suit her. She'd never liked it, it wasn't something she would have ever picked for herself and it just proved that he didn't know her at all. She hated it, it got in the way, it weighed her hand down, it was forever spinning around on her finger because it had never fitted properly but when she had told him that he had called her ungrateful so she’d never pushed the point. Now she felt absolutely no loss as she dropped it in his jacket pocket, she never wanted to see it again.
"Do you honestly think anyone else will want you? Look at you, you fat, lazy, useless bitch. You’ll need to get a real job, get your head out of the stars and start living in the real world, because I’m telling you, if you let me walk out of that door you’ll be alone forever. You’ll never afford this place on your own, you’ll starve without my money to live off.”
Selene listened as he continued to spit his bile at her, his words hitting her hard, burrowing under her skin as they always did, chipping away at her already shattered self esteem. He was right, she’d been here before, telling him to leave, telling him it was over, yet he always managed to coax her back with either pretty words full of love and apologies or with the fear that he spoke the truth, that she was unlovable, too strange and different, too weird for her own good. But he’d never gone this far before, he’d never physically hit her. Thrown things, yes, screamed in her face too many times to count, but laying a hand on her, that had been his last mistake.
“I don’t care. Leave. You have two minutes before I call the authorities and get them to remove you whilst having you arrested for assault. Go. Now.” Her voice was even now, all traces of anger gone, her body flooded with a deadly calm that she had never felt before. And he sensed it, sensed that her mind was made up, that he'd lost this battle.
Nathaniel looked shocked and she knew why, she’d never stood up to him before, she’d never stood up for herself. His face twisted into a look of disgust that she tried not to take too personally.
“I was only with you out of pity until someone better came along, you’ll miss me before I miss you!”
"I doubt that."
He yanked on his shoes, grabbed his jacket and opened the door, the cold night air rushing in, cooling on her burning face. “I’ll send Jake to pick up my stuff, I don’t want to have to see your ugly mug again.”
With that parting blow he slammed the door behind him, walking out of her life after four years of hell, of put downs, of being bullied and pushed into things she didn’t want to do and she had finally taken a stand.
She huffed out a relieved breath, not even realising she had been holding it in. He was gone. Nate was gone. The enormous weight that had been so heavy on her shoulders for so long had gone and with it came a light feeling of utter relief.
She wrapped her arms around herself, shocked to find that she was shaking, the adrenaline that had given her such strength draining away. She just managed to lock the front door and stumble to the couch before collapsing, the reality of the situation finally hitting home.
When the tears wanted to come she let them, let them run hot and free down her face, allowed herself to sob and wail as much as she wanted, no longer silencing herself with a hand over her mouth while she hid in the shower where he wouldn't see her so she could blame her red eyes on a shampoo accident.
What if he was right? What if he was as good as she was ever going to get? What if he truly was all that she deserved? She had believed in good things once upon a time, when she had been young and naive, she had believed in true love and the perfect person for her, one who wouldn’t care that she wasn’t the standard definition of normal. He would simply love her, with no conditions, no bargaining, no compromises.
She sniffed, wiping away the tears, refusing to mope any more. This was a good thing, this was a new start for her. So what if she was alone? Alone wasn't a bad thing compared to what being with someone had put her through. She had done her time, she had compromised, given up a part of herself for someone that didn't deserve it, had done everything she could to please him, to be the person he wanted her to be and still it hadn’t been enough. She was never giving up her freedom again, she was never going to pretend to be someone she wasn't.
She slept on the couch that night, unable to face going back to the bed they had shared, to the place where she had given him her body whether she was in the mood or not, guilted into complying with his needs through a misguided sense of duty and love.
She'd slept in late, waking when she wanted to, not when she had to and indulged in a luxuriously long bath, something he hadn’t agreed with, according to him it was yet another thing that made her lazy. For once she forced herself to look in the mirror as she dried off. How had she allowed him to talk down to her for so long? How had she allowed herself to believe that she was the hideous, disgusting blob that he painted her as? Sure she was a little curvier than most of her friends, softly rounded rather than sleekly muscled, but she was hardly an elephant. She didn't eat that much, but she had always enjoyed food and before Nathaniel she'd had a relatively thick skin, being comfortable in her own body, but now each morsel that passed her lips had made her feel like she was failing him and herself. Well no more, she told herself firmly, you are fine as you are.
Once dry she had stood in front of her empty wardrobe, having pulled everything out before dismissing each and every item, letting them drop to the floor. How had she not realised this before? All the times he had surprised her with a new top or pair of jeans, all the times he had been so helpful in cleaning out the closets to make room for her new things, systematically stripping her of her choice in clothing and replacing it with his. There was nothing of her left in there, nothing at all.
She looked around the house that they had called home but that had never felt that way to her. She didn't like it, it had never felt right. It was cold and sterile, like a show home from some glitzy website or social media influencer, a carbon copy of what everyone else had. There was nothing there that she wanted, nothing that she would miss.
She pulled on the plainest things she could find, the best of a bad lot of floral nightmares and too tight shirts that played up to his idea of what was sexy. Grabbing a stool she pushed it up against the kitchen side and climbed up on it, stretching right to the back of the kitchen cupboard and took down the box of cereal that he never touched.
Reaching in she dug around in the flakes of corn and carefully extracted her tarot deck, her pendulum and her athame, the only items she had ever been able to hide from him, everything else he had found and thrown away. Placing them carefully in her bag she grabbed her jacket and left without a backwards glance, locking the door for the last time, posting the keys through the letterbox. She was done there.
To say that her parents were surprised to see her when she turned up on their door carrying a mass of shopping bags, her usually dark blonde hair now a dark wave of black with purple highlights and a bruise on her cheek, would be an understatement. Yet she was welcomed with open arms, a warm drink and a pissed off father who had to be locked in the house to stop him going after the man who had hurt his daughter, although nothing could dissuade him from calling the police to report the incident.
Selene had stayed with them for a year, building up her self esteem again, doing all the things she’d been unable to do because he didn't like them. She had seen her friends, she'd drank, she'd partied and attended rituals practicing her craft and building up her reputation and her client list, working to give herself the life that she wanted.
***
"So, are you putting your name down for the single mingle circle this year?" Alegra asked , waggling her eyebrows suggestively. "Could be fun."
"Seriously? Me, joining them? I don't think so."
"Come on, Sel, it's been four years, don't you think it's time to get back on the broom?" There was that tone again, the one that said it was wood she was talking about but it definitely wasn't used for sweeping or flying. "You're only twenty-seven, you're too young to be an old maid, you don't even have a cat."
"I'm a witch, not a nun, Al, I'm not a born again virgin, I can assure you I've not sealed up down there."
"Your BOB doesn't count as a relationship, would it really hurt to join in?"
"Nope, not going there," Selene shook her head firmly, sipping her wine. "I'm not going to throw myself at the first available guy that looks like he has all his own teeth and could afford to treat me to a portion of chips. I don't need anyone, I don't want anyone."
"Sel, the perfect guy for you could be out there somewhere just waiting for you and you're so closed off you'll never even notice him."
"The perfect guy? I doubt that very much, there's no such thing, not for me," Selene snorted in amusement. "You know my dating history and a checkered one it is too. I always pick the shit ones, the ones with issues that are so judgemental they can't handle me. Nope, I'm good on my own, thank you very much."
"So you don't believe in soul mates now?"
"This coming from the bitch that's lucky enough to have found hers already. It's not that I don't believe in them, I just don't think mine is hanging around with us in this field waiting for me to head over and fall into his arms."
"Well you could still find yours, there are other ways, it's summer solstice the season of love," Alegra grinned. "I think you should do it."
"Do what?"
"The soul mate spell."
Selene burst out laughing. Soul Mate spell? Was she crazy?
"No way, I don't want anyone, I don't want to be tied down to anyone again. I'm not taking on anyone's baggage, and believe me, they all come with baggage, you just don't see it at the check in desk."
"Oh, OK, no it's fine I get it," Alegra said innocently.
"Get what?" Selene was instantly suspicious.
"That you're scared," she finished, sucking on her straw.
"Don't be stupid," Selene scoffed. "I'm not scared, I'm just not stupid. I know my luck and all of it is bad. If I do have one, which I highly doubt, he's probably already hooked up with three kids and I missed the boat."
"Then doing the spell won't make any difference, will it? Go on, live a little."
Selene groaned, knowing her friend far too well, nothing would shut her up. Once she got her teeth into something she was like a dog with a bone, not giving up until she got her own way. She would nag and beg for days. Selene wasn't really feeling the celebrations that night if she was honest with herself, it would be better to just give in gracefully at this point and rescue the evening before she went home.
"Will it shut you up?"
"Yep," Alegra grinned.
"Urghh, fine! What do I have to do?"
"Not a lot, Tanzi is running the circle tonight, she'll help you."
Ten minutes later Selene had stripped off, leaving her naked and shivering slightly in the cool night air with nothing but a pretty wand in one hand and a small chalice of mead in the other.
"We dedicate this mead to Aphrodite, Eros and Eos, those of love, the dawn and new beginnings. We call upon Frigga, Hathor, Juno, Cupid and Venus and ask that you bestow upon us your blessings." Selene joined in with the invocation, speaking along with three other women and two men who all hoped to win the favour of the gods so that their soul mate would be found and sent into their life.
"Now," Tanzanite, the organiser of the ritual continued, "dip your wands in the glitter cauldron and sprinkle it above your head. Then, look up and find the brightest star you can, pick your star and say your heartfelt prayer. Open your hearts and call to your perfect love, they will hear you."
Selene schooled her face so she wouldn't laugh. It wasn't that she didn't believe in the power of spells, of course she did, she was just a little dubious of anything that involved glitter.
She waited her turn then dutiful tipped her head up to the sky. It was a clear night, out here in their little clearing away from the bonfires and merriment of the solstice celebrations and the sky above her head was filled with glittering stars for as far as her eyes could see.
How did she pick just one? How did she even know if it was a star or not without her charts? Remembering things had never been her strong point and with a sky that seemed to look different every time she looked at it, she had no clue. What if she picked the wrong one?
This is stupid, she thought, huffing under her breath, why was she even worrying about this so much? It wasn't like she cared about the outcome or even wanted it to work. She had been truthful when she had told Alegra that she didn't want to find anyone, she liked her life as it was.
"Selene, do you need help?" Tanzi called over to her.
"Nope, I'm good, thanks." She let her gaze roam the sky again and finally settled on a bright pinprick in the sky. Tanzi had told them to pick one of the patrons they had invoked to petition and, not really being one for love spells anyway, she picked at random.
She closed her eyes briefly, taking a few deep breaths, allowing the magical energy of the night to shimmer through her veins, building up inside her. She didn't think there was anyone out there that could put up with her, she was a lost cause, but she was there now and she wasn't one to sabotage a spell by not giving it her all.
Visualisation was a witches most powerful tool but she honestly didn't know what or who to picture. How did you picture someone you didn't know? She shrugged, giving up and opened her eyes, looking back up to the star she had picked. She lifted her arms, palms up and let out her power in a soft wave, feeling it tingling between her fingers.
"With these magic words, I begin my spell.
Hear me, O mystic star, Eos, hear me well.
Let your magic light, send me the love of my life.
The spell has now been cast, So mote it be."
"Sel, you forgot the glitter," Tanzi reminded her. Selene made a face, she hadn't forgotten, she'd just tried to ignore it.
Reluctantly she picked up the wand, dipped it in the glitter and flicked it half heartedly above her head. She reclaimed her chalice, saluted the star and the small altar by which Tanzi stood and sipped the mead, sealing the spell by ingesting it.
Everyone in the circle cheered and she tried to join in but she just didn't feel the same sense of hope and jubilation that the others did.
She didn't want to be a party pooper and bring everyone down with her mood, so she thanked Tanzi, pulled her dress back on and made her excuses, leaving the circle as soon as she could.
She didn't want to be at the celebrations at all, truth be told. Being surrounded by people and couples there to be handfast, jumping the broom for fertility and a happy life together, that was her idea of torture. She'd been looking forward to the night at first but now, after that spell, she felt a little flat and bitter. All she wanted to do was go home, sit on her roof and watch the sunrise over the streets of London.
Mind made up, unable to stand it any longer she picked up her broom from the storage area, said her early goodbyes by pleading sickness and made her escape. Her nice little firepit and her even nicer bed was calling to her like a siren and she was more than ready to be lured away.
***
"I guess you don't need to hear the rest," Selene sighed. "You were there."
John swallowed, unable to believe what he had just heard. The things she had told him, they were just horrible. His mind whirled, images conjured up by her words, images that came with a large does of anger.
"John, please say something," her voice wobbled, sounding so small and unsure, something he'd never heard from her before and never wanted to hear again. "I understand if you hate me now, but please, please believe me when I say that I never meant to hide anything from you, I never meant for this to happen."
"For what to happen?" he had to ask, he had to know what she meant. Did she not want to be with him? She had said enough times during her story and in the first six months they were together, that she never wanted to get married and the wedding itself had been nothing but a big cause of stress for her. Had she given up? Was she done with it and him?
"Taking away your free will. We have rules, we don't do spells on people or for people without their permission." Her eyes searched his face, which had been carefully neutral for far too long.
He almost sighed in relief, finally catching up with the path her mind had taken. Selene had always been a big one for consent and now, having just heard all about how her ex had treated her, he had a much better understanding of how her mind worked.
"Are you quite finished?"
She nodded, pulling her robe tighter around her shoulders, suddenly feeling very vulnerable and more unsure than she had been in years.
"Good. Can I speak now?"
She nodded again, preparing herself for the worst. She'd been broken up with before but nothing, nothing would hurt more than this.
"I'm in love with an idiot," he muttered, shaking his head in disbelief.
She frowned, that wasn't what she had expected him to say, especially as that was her line.
"I'm sorry?"
"You've said that already, not that you had any reason to." He just wanted to hold her, to wrap her up in his arms and protect her from everything and everyone that might ever wish to do her harm or even dare to look at her sideways. But he also knew that, much like himself, she had times when she needed to be left alone, she needed not to be touched until she was ready.
"I didn't?"
"Let me make sure I've got this straight. Your asshole ex treated you terribly, he hurt you and abused your love and trust and destroyed your faith in yourself and your worthiness," he paused, checking she was listening. "You did a spell, asking for your soul mate the night we met and I'm supposed to be, what, pissed off with you?"
"You'd have every right to be."
"You really are an idiot," he sighed, holding out his hand for hers. It took her a moment to take it but when she did he wasted no time in tugging her closer and onto his lap where he wrapped his arms around her, even though she sat as stiff as a board. "The only thing I'm pissed off about is that you didn't tell me everything he did to you before now, you only told me that he'd been nasty to you and put you down a lot, I never dreamed it was that bad."
"So you don't hate me for the spell making us fall in love?"
John snorted. "I'm a Tracy, nothing and no one can make me do anything I don't want to. You've told me before that spells will only work if they are meant to be, correct?"
"That's right, spells shouldn't cause harm, that's why we don't do love spells on specific people, just for us to meet the one for us, because if it's not meant to be then you wouldn't be happy together, you'd be denying someone their soul mate."
"So, by that logic, all the spell did was ensure we met, if it even did anything at all. Besides, I doubt you included the mandate that it force me down the aisle. I didn't fall in love with you because of some spell, I fell in love with you because of you, you are everything I had ever dreamed of and more."
She paused for a second, her panicked brain finally slowing down enough for her to think clearly. Shit, he was right. She slumped in his embrace, sliding her arms around his waist, burying her face in his neck.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, I panicked!"
"You didn't just panic, you thought I wouldn't want to marry you and tried to call off our wedding." When she'd text he'd had visions of her panicking about some silly detail that didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.
He'd jogged up the stairs, his calming expression already deployed ready to soothe the savage beast but his heart had leapt into his throat when he saw the fearful expression on her face, the tears shining in her eyes.
He had thought he was hearing things when she had uttered her first words, feeling sick to his stomach. What had he done wrong? What had happened since they had parted in their bedroom? Everything was going according to plan, nothing was wrong, or at least he hadn't thought it was.
He'd forced himself to sit down in the chair she had indicated and listened to her, really listened, letting her talk it out, letting her explain everything.
So many things about her now made perfect sense. He'd known she'd had a bad relationship before they had met, she'd told him so, but she'd never really gone into detail and he'd never pressed her for more information. People were entitled to a past and he hadn't thought that it would ever affect them.
He remembered the night they had both confessed their feelings for each other, him pale, tired and shaky from his near coma, her stressed and worried for him, and he'd asked her if she had ever done any magic on him before. The fear in her eyes, the way she had been so hesitant to admit it, the way she had immediately begged forgiveness hadn't really registered at the time but now it came back with perfect clarity.
He recalled how she had reacted the day she had admitted she could see spirits, how she had expected them all to treat her differently, to see her as a freak and turn on her.
A number of little moments, like how people had judged her and looked at her differently at Penny's ball, how the press had dragged her through the mud, how people online had made nasty comments about her, all of it had taken its toll and now he understood why.
She had done so much for him, had gone out of her way to make sure he was comfortable with her and with their relationship every time it had deepened to another level, that he'd never really stopped to think if her understanding had come from bitter experience. He'd just thought her empathetic gifts and sympathetic, loving nature had played their part, but now, looking deeper, he could practically see the emotional scars there.
He glanced at her hair, now the deep plum colour and realised what a big deal it had been for her to change it after his brothers' teasing. Usually that sort of behaviour from them would have been something she'd laugh along with and they knew she had reacted differently than any of them had expected, but now he understood why.
Now he knew why she kept all old pictures of herself off her social media, why she never compromised in how she wished to dress. He knew now why she was so strong, she'd had to be to survive him. She didn't tone herself down, she was loud and brash and appeared to be so confident in everything she did, but he knew different.
He'd been the one to teach her to fly her car, had seen how she took everything as a criticism thinking he was calling her stupid and reacting to things he hadn't even said or meant negatively. Now he understood and he wanted nothing more than to scoop her up and hold her tight. She didn't understand just how precious she really was and how honoured he felt that she had changed her mind for him, how she had put aside her views on marriage and ownership because she loved him, because she trusted him not to treat her the same way.
He remembered the way she had stood up for him with her parents and brother, how she had been firm but insistent that he was one of the good guys. The way her brother had tested him, putting her down to see how he would react, her father's warnings to him, the emphasis he had put on how he was trusting John to look after her, even her mother's reaction to not knowing they were engaged and thinking she was hiding things from her, it all became crystal clear. They had known, they had seen her hurt before, they had picked up the pieces and they didn't want to do it again.
"I didn't mean to, I just freaked out," she babbled, breaking into his thoughts. "Honestly, I'd forgotten all about the spell with all the drama of the night and then we just kinda fell into us and it was so perfect that I didn't even question it. When Tanzi mentioned it and I remembered I knew I had to tell you. I didn't want there to be any secrets between us and I didn't want to give you any reason to think that I'd ever manipulated you or taken away your control of your own life in any way. I didn't want you to think badly of me."
"I could never think badly of you for something like this. Selene, I firmly believe that if you hadn't almost crashed into an owl-"
"That owl flew out in front of me, as did that tree."
"If you hadn't crashed we would have met some other way. It would have happened, because we're meant to be together."
"I know we are, I've never doubted that."
"No, you just doubted me."
"No, I didn't, I really didn't, I doubted myself. I know you love me as much as I love you, but it's me, I just kept waiting for something to go wrong."
"Sweetheart, we've been through this," he tucked a finger under her chin, lifting her head so he could steal a quick kiss, tasting the salt from her tears on her lips. "Nothing is going to go wrong, we have everything planned, you are in charge of this part, I've taken care of the reception, this will be the perfect day for us and we will enjoy it."
"You still want to marry me? Even though I'm an idiot?" she asked, her voice still choked with emotion.
"I want to marry you because you're an idiot."
"Unfair."
"Fair," he countered. "You've always known what to say to make me feel better, you've always known what to do to give me confidence when I didn't have it on my own, now trust me to do the same for you."
"I do trust you, more than I've ever trusted anyone."
"If that's the case, don't you think you should go and finish getting dressed? Because I fully intend to marry you in," he checked his comm-watch, "forty-eight minutes and twenty-six seconds and I'm sure you'd rather not do it in your underwear with liner on just one eye."
"Oh gods, I must look like shit," she groaned, dropping her head into her hands. "Don't look at me, I'm hideous."
He sighed, gently pulling her hands down to allow him to see her face. "Did I not just say I'm marrying you regardless of how you look or what you're wearing?
She gave him a tiny nod in answer.
"I know you said you never wanted to get married, yet when I asked, albeit badly, you said yes straight away. If I asked you again right now, would you still say yes? Do you still want to marry me?" he didn't want to ask that question, but he felt like he had to.
"Yes," she answered instantly with no hesitation. He didn't quite sigh in relief but it was tempting.
"See, you didn't need to think about it, so don't start over thinking now, that's my job."
She sniffed out a laugh, wiping her eyes on the corner of her robe.
"From the moment we met you were nothing but open, honest and you pushed me to be the same. You never wanted anything from me that I wasn't ready or willing to give, you never forced me into anything, you let me make up my own mind at my own pace. All you did was show me with your actions and words what I needed to see clearly. But don't forget that we're partners, Sel, and that means we're equal and share equal parts in this relationship, we share the workload and the burden, it's not all on you. That means that when I have a day where I'm doubting, I know that you'll be right there to pick me up and you know I'll be there when you need the same. This Nathaniel person, he's the one that fucked up, not you, he didn't see what an amazing, beautiful person you are and what a pure soul you possess, he didn't deserve you and I probably don't either, but if your gods saw fit to push us together when you asked then I will never be anything but grateful for that and I'll spend every moment I have with you showing just how thankful I am."
Selene stared at him open mouthed, unable to think of anything to say. How was she supposed to respond to that? How was she supposed to say anything that could match that heartfelt declaration?
"Come on, up you get," a soft smack landed on her behind before he stood up, tipping her off his lap. "Enough sitting around, I need to get my suit on and you need to cover the girls before Scott comes to fetch you."
A shocked laugh escaped as her spaceman took charge of the situation as he so often did. Maybe she didn't need to say anything at all, maybe, for once, she could let him have the final word.
She reached up, cupping the back of his head, pulling him down to meet her lips.
"I love you so much, you know that, right?"
"I might have had an inklin, yes." There was that grin she loved so much, the cheeky smile that didn't come out often but lit up his face and made her melt every single time. "I love you too."
She kissed him again, smiling when his arms slid around her waist, pulling her in tight against his body. She slid her arms around his middle, her hands naturally falling to rest on his backside.
"That is not wise," he warned her. "We have a slightly more pressing engagement."
She pouted, flexing her fingers to give his butt a little squeeze. "Not even a little?"
"Not even the littlest little you can think of."
"I can think of a lot, I'm sure I could come up with something."
"Forever tempting me," he mock sighed, stealing another quick kiss to tide them both over. "We don't have time. You'll just have to keep all those ideas saved up for tonight."
She gave his delectable behind one more squeeze then let go.
"I suppose I had better get dressed then, since I've got a wedding to get to."
"That might be a good idea," he opened the door. "I'll see you soon."
He shut the door behind him, making sure he was far enough along the hall before he spoke.
"EOS, find out all you can about any man named Nathaniel with a connection to Selene, go right back into her records, I want to know everything, and I mean, everything."
With an epic scowl on his face he stalked down the hall, intent on finding his oldest brother, he'd want to know all about this too.