Let's get this show on the road.
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Early morning 5th April 1917 – Sergeant Major Rigo Murillo's point of view
I cannot sleep, not with all these thoughts running through my mind. I get my matches and light the candle at my bedside. I know what will calm me down when I am feeling like this. I quietly walk out of my room and set the light down on the dresser. I then carefully sit on it without making too much noise. I'm still learning how the three new ones are when it comes to sleeping whether they are light or heavy sleepers. I know how heavy Danny and Jorel can sleep most of the time. In front of me is Danny, fast asleep facing me. He is almost always at his most peaceful state when he is asleep, and he has luckily not had any nightmares for a couple of weeks now. I touch the wood I am sitting on in hopes that I do not jinx it for him.
I am his older brother; I am the one who is supposed to protect him from any harm and yet I have failed him so many times repeatedly. I am still at war inside my head if this is the right place for him to be. He is safer here then he would be at home as father cannot hurt him, but I really do not think that this war is the right situation for him to be in. He is so young, and I know he has found love with Dylan and a bother in Jorel, Matthew and Jordon, but I would much rather they all be at home where it is safer from the threat of war. Sadly, with the threat of America entering the war being imminent it is important that the army has fit and healthy young men to help fight for their country and for freedom.
I want my family to be back together, I want to live in a house with my mother and my sister as well as my two brothers. I want to experience life the way we never got to do as children. I do not want to be looking over my shoulder all the time waiting for father to decide he is angry with us and we deserve punishment when we have done nothing wrong. I wish it had stopped at me; I wish that my baby brothers did not have to endure what they did. That is why I feel as if as an older brother I have failed in my most important role, to protect the little ones born after I am. I heard George's door open and close, but I paid no further attention to it. Then he walks over to me and sits down so that the light from the candle is between us.
"I wish I had a camera to capture that peaceful innocence he always has when he is having a good night's rest," George comments, and I nod. It is hard not to agree when you know that despite all the crap we have been through over the years the one thing that always remains for certain is how innocent Danny looks. At first glance you would not know that he has endured 20 years of the worst torture known to man. You would expect what we went through to happen to people in prisoner of war camps or something, not your own home and certainly not done by your own father. "I would love it even more if he kept that innocence all the time," I admit to him quietly.
"Rigo, you can't blame yourself for what that bastard did to you and your brothers. I bet if you asked them they would say the same. Considering your circumstances I think you still hold the title of best big brother in the universe to them," George tells me. I guess he is right, I could ask both Danny and Kyle when I next see him what they think, and they would say that. He did not say it yet, but he would say that both my mother and my sister would also agree too. At least father never dared to hurt either mother or sister no matter what he was feeling at the time and how we were doing at the time. Mother has reassured me a few times that she is safe at home, but I am never one hundred percent convinced.
"I know, but I still feel as if I could have done more. I could have managed to convince father to let me take a few more blows instead of them. Make me sleep outside that night after their fifth birthdays," I tell him. George has this way with me that he can barely stay anything, and I will tell him whatever is bothering me at the time. "I know and I have often thought myself that if I could trade places with your brothers then I would. Before you say anything I would much rather deal with it than them," George tells me, knowing full well I am not best pleased with that, but I know it comes from a good place. He means well, but at the same time we both know and agree that it would be the best if none of us have to go through that.
"I will remember that and thank you for it George, but I guess this is the way God wanted our lives to go and what a cruel bastard he is," I tell him. I was never one to really believe in God especially after I kept praying hoping that he would somehow send a message from the heavens to stop the madness going on at home. It never came true for me, or for my brothers and mother either. We would get beaten if we did not pray at night but after a while I saw no point to praying. I had nothing to believe in and I was sure no one was suffering like we were. There are probably at least one other family out there going through the same but just like us they will never tell.
"There is something else you are not telling me is there not?" George asks, we had been whispering the whole time, but it would not have mattered. The boys are pretty soundly asleep, and they would not be woken by us talking. "There might be one more thing bothering me," I tell him. I do not know how to articulate that I am currently feeling about the other thing that is bothering me and has been bothering me since January. George would probably understand as he has a younger brother at home himself. Only Connor is way too young to join the army himself and their Molly will probably be a nurse.
"Is this about you noting wanting your little brother in the army anymore?" George asks, and he had gotten it right first time as per usual. I know the others have both older and younger siblings, but they aren't in the same position as I am. Jorel has three younger brothers, Tyler, Michael and Even but they are all too young to be in the army. Jordon has two brothers about to join the army called Jessie and Jake. "Yeah I thought I had put it behind me once he had arrived because I knew I could spend more time with him and it was going to be fine but with this announcement of us entering the war imminent I do not know anymore," I tell him. I was being honest and doing my best to organize my thoughts in a way which would make sense.
"Makes plenty of sense to me Rigo. You want your brothers to stay safe, especially Danny. I still am not quite sure how he has managed to retain that innocence, but I want him to keep it for as long as possible," George replies. I knew talking to him was a good idea, because he can help me know that my thoughts are not over the top and that I can rationalize them in a way that makes everyone happy and I do not look like the horrible overbearing big brother I would never want to be. "Yeah, I just do not see how he could be war ready when he has experienced so little of the outside world around him. All he has ever had has been our small house and the café and that was it," I tell him. When I am saying that about Danny, I mean it in the nicest way possible.
It also does not help that father forced him to be the most sheltered one out of the boys. Lisa-Marie our sister is sheltered to but for different reasons. "You know I hate saying this, but he is safer here than he is at home. You do not know what they have planned for the next day or two and they might not even send Danny's squad out on the front," George tells me. That was what I needed I needed George to remind me of the reason why Danny decided to join the army in the first place. He is better off here than at home and I am going to respect that from now on. It is better than my father murdering him for real. I do not think I could handle my father actually murdering one of my brothers.
Afternoon - 5th April 1917 – Private First-Class Danny Murillo's point of view
I thought tensions ran high back on the 12th of March but that was nothing compared to the atmosphere of camp right now. They say that in the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours congress are going to declare war on Germany. There must have been a lot going on out there for President Woodrow Wilson to change his mind. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. All of the higher-ranking officers have been on high alert. Apparently on the 12th of March there was a letter from someone that they were going to bomb the camp. It never happened and it turned out to be a new recruit trying to prank the camp. It is safe to say it did not go down well with anyone and he got sent home and banned from being in the army for the rest of his life.
We all were summoned to listen to the commandant of the camp who told everyone under no circumstances were pranks like that to be pulled again. People might think that it is harmless but the whole world is at war with each other, and the army will take any threats to the safety of the camp seriously. A few Americans have already died at the hands of our enemies through what Germany has been doing and they don't want any more unnecessary deaths if they can prevent them. We are still not marching in squad formation like we were a month ago, instead we walk single file or even jog if the previous lesson had us run the risk of becoming late for the next one.
Rigo has been on edge more than usual too, but I think his reasoning is more family related than anything. He is the only one out of the two of us who can have regular contact with mother and sister back home. He even talks to father, although he told me he wants to make them as quick as possible because he hates talking to him. I think he's started to suspect that father knows that I am alive and that he had not killed me that night like my family have been making him believe he had done. I knew there was a risk of him finding out, there was no possible way that we could hide it from him forever. Especially if I rise through the ranks as quickly as everyone had been expecting me to.
It's been hard to try and comfort him especially when I am not one hundred percent sure what is going on at home. "Hey Rigo, what's the matter?" I hear George ask, Rigo likes to sit on the dresser next to my bed and keep an eye on me. Like the time I became unwell at the start of this whole thing. I was waiting with the others for the next lesson to begin and Rigo was in his room which was unusual "Nothing," Rigo replies, but I knew, and I think that George and Jorel knew as well that he was lying. He knew that we could hear him, and we do not always feel comfortable sharing details of what we went through. He has probably whispered to George whatever is bothering him. I am sure they did last night.
I woke up this morning with them both sitting on the dresser with a candle. I know Rigo watches me sleep sometimes just to remind himself that everything is going to be okay. He likes to sit alone with his brain and provoke it at night. The world is out of focus and looking kind of hopeless right now. There have been talks of France's army mutinying against them because things are looking pretty bleak over there and they don't have a lot in terms of morale left. I hope for their sakes everything improves. Rigo sits next to me and I wrap my arm around him. It was my way of trying to let him know that I was fine and that things were going to be fine. I feel him relax and see a little smile, so my plan was working.
None of us like the prospect of joining the war that the rest of the world is currently fighting in, but if that is what the American government decide then we as those men signed up in the army have to answer to that call and fight for our country. It's time for us to go to our next lesson and Rigo is not going to be teaching us. He does fieldcraft lessons with us, but I believe we have battlefield training for this one. They want us to be as prepared as possible for whatever outcome happens. They are heavily anticipating the announcement like everyone in the camp has talked about already. The only rule thy have in place about that at the moment is that we are not allowed to talk about the rumors during lessons. They are making sure that they have a tight lid on the place, and we weren't supposed to know.
It was another high-ranking officer who started spreading this rumor around because they had heard it from the outside. They had managed to get a newspaper article sent to them even though only a select few were allowed to have them usually reserved for the ones who are behind all the critical decisions like where to put people. They look at the ongoing situation on the frontlines and decided who needs to go through which specialized training. They also look at where the person has most strengths and weaknesses. They do not want to put someone who is not as physically strong in a very physically demanding role and they would not put the person who is not very smart in a role where they need to be thinking all the time about things like cracking codes.
"Are you feeling any better now Rigo?" I ask my brother. I want to make sure he is doing okay. I know he is worrying a lot about me and how I have been doing since I had left home and escaped the clutches of my father. "Yes, Danny I feel a lot better now," he tells me, and I know he is being truthful this time. I know he is going through a lot of emotions regarding me joining the army, but he has a great friend in George, and he gets to release those feelings before they become too much for him. "That is good Rigo, I know that you care a lot about me, and I appreciate it, however you need to make sure you take care of yourself too," I tell him. It was rare that our roles of big brother and little brother get reversed like this, but I need to sometimes.
"I will Danny do not worry about it," Rigo says and we leave to go to our next lesson. I thought we were going to be a bit early this time, but I knew that comforting Rigo was more important at that particular moment. We are always on time for lessons, so we are never going to get into trouble for it. Not that we would intentionally make ourselves late even if we needed to comfort our older brothers. I have to walk with Dylan since he is in my squad and the others go off to separate parts of the camp for theirs. It is really the only time we get to be just the two of us and I really enjoy it even though we have to be as platonic as possible in case someone walks past and decides to question us about it.
We could get kicked off camp for being gay since homosexuality is not something that is commonly accepted around these parts. I do not think it accepted anywhere really and we are just going to have to deal with that. "How did you know Rigo was worried about you so much?" Dylan asks me. He didn't necessarily say that he was worried about me, but I knew because I could read in between the lines and I knew that was the one thing that has been on his mind the most since I was on my way here. "A brother knows, even if you are the little brother in the situation. After everything that happened back at home this was the thing that he never wanted to happen to me. He never wanted me to join the army, but he also does not want me to stay at home," I tell him.
"Yes, I know both situations are less than ideal in Rigo's head but deep down he knows that this is the best place for you. It is the lesser of two evils if you will," Dylan says. It is completely how we all feel about it especially knowing that any time in the next two days we are going to be summoned to the parade square and be told that American has officially declared war on Germany and we are officially entered into the biggest war the world has ever seen. I would be lying if I said that the whole situation was not making me nervous. "Yeah, I do not see it ever being one hundred percent okay with Rigo until this war is over and we are on our way home knowing that everything is safe and well and we can be free," I tell him.
The lesson went perfectly fine even though we were all nervous to see what tomorrow brings. It was getting later and later into the evening and it was looking more likely that if America was going to announce anything it was going to be tomorrow. The officers agreed to anyone who suggested it, but they were not allowed to say anything else. Morale was already on a tightrope and this could so easily tip it over. They say it has already begun in France; 3 to 4 years of ongoing fighting is enough to bring anyone down. We are not exactly getting a lot of information from the allies on the frontlines though. Dinner was eaten in a somewhat uncomfortable silence, but it was already noted that tensions were high.
We are not allowed to send letters out until any announcements had formally been made as to not alert any potential enemies who could intercept the letters. It was frustrating for some but for me it gave me a chance to make sure that I could take my time and write my thoughts out in a better way and we could give Rigo more of a chance of hiding my letter within his as we are still concerned that father could find them and then our game of playing Danny is dead would be up and he would probably be the angriest any of us have ever seen him our entire lives. That was something that instantly filled my stomach with dread at the mere thought and I am sure it applies to Rigo, Jorel, Dylan and George too.
I know it would fill Matthew and Jordon with dread to however we have decided not to go into full detail with what he have been going through at home because they do not really need to know. They know whatever I have a nightmare about which seems to be mainly the final attack he did before I left and the trauma which the first fieldcraft expedition had brought me. I should have anticipated it really, but I had no idea when that was going to occur so soon after our arrival. I am basically back to where I was before signing up for the army where I had no ill effects of those traumatic memories. I am sure there will be more bad memories by the time this war is over and done with. Dylan comes to sit next to me when we get back to our billet.
"Everything will be fine," he tells me. I knew the others were watching intensely since everyone was on edge and anyone talking about the ongoing war was being watched. "I know, it is just hard to come to terms with everything that has been going on lately," I tell him. I had learned by now that it was better to be honest with Dylan straight away than to lie and say I am fine because he will see right through it. Not that it is a bad thing, I think I do better if I am honest about my feelings and my emotions. It makes me feel as if I am a stronger man because I can share what is bothering me rather than bottle it up until I get to exploding point. Well I do hide some of my feelings because I don't want to worry my family too much.
I know they love and care about me but there are times where I want them to just be themselves and not have to worry about the possibility I might have a panic attack, or something related to what I have been going through. "We're gonna win this war you know," Jordon says, and I nod. I admire his confidence to be honest. I am one the fence about our ability to win the war that we are not even in yet, but I am not about to burst Jordon's little confidence bubble at this moment. I would not want to be the one to do that ever. He is too kind to have something like that happen to him. He still did not want his spare coat back from when he lent it to me on the train even though I have two coats and I have been feeling better.
"We better get some rest tonight, who knows what they will say come the morning and I have a feeling we'll find out before the rest of America," George says. He is very sensible, so it does not do any harm to take his advice and have a slightly early night than normal. We have maybe an hour or two before bed, but we have cleaned the billet and are all cleaned ourselves. We haven't had drill sergeant time in a while, but something tells me we will not get any until the announcement is done and they have had all of the meetings and things they want to do so they can plan to keep training us and keep us safe. They know that we will be more at risk once the Germans know that we plan on going to war and fighting them. They would probably not be bothered if they sent a plane over to bomb us to get rid of us and that is what they are afraid of.
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The next morning
There is a sinking feeling in all of our stomachs as we are all told to form up on the parade square shortly after breakfast. It is 6.30 in the morning and we are supposed to be going to our first lesson of the day however I feel like today is not going to be like the normal day as we wait to hear what the government has to say. You knew it was serious just by looking on the faces of the commanding and senior officers. Rigo and George were called in for a meeting this morning and they were not allowed to say what they talked about, but everyone knew deep down what it was going to be about since it was obvious. The tension was so high you could probably physically cut it with a butter knife, and it would still be there.
"Firstly I would like to say thank you to every single man here no matter what rank you may find yourself under for volunteering your time and dedicating it to the army of the United States of America. Secondly, as you may be aware President Woodrow Wilson has taken the decision to ask congress if we as a country should declare war on Germany. Today he has made his decision and we are going to war. I know this has come as a shock considering how neutral he has been in the past, but I am confident in the abilities of the men in front of me that we can achieve victory," the commander says. and we all are stunned into silence. We all need to process this information and figure out what it means.
We are no longer training for the possibility of going to war, we are training for the actuality of fighting on the front lines in our different squads and doing some good in the world and to make the change for freedom. We are going to make our families and the people of America proud. It was understandable that most of us did not pay attention to the rest of the speech apart from we can write letters back to our families and go about as normal apart from the increased security which we know we have to follow. We will do whatever it takes to be safe and to make sure that we follow all the rules that have been set out before us. We are dismissed to our lessons and Dylan holds my hand briefly as we walk off.
It was his way of letting me know that everything was going to be fine. We get told off for talking when walking to and from lessons, so we have learned various forms of non-verbal communication which is deemed acceptable and not a threat to anyone at the camp. They are being extra cautious now so we have to be careful that we don't do anything which could be considered as a threat or make us seem like we would be a spy on the side of the Germans and other enemies. Not that either Dylan or I would ever decide to work for the Germans. I do not even want to think about that kind of thing. It is not something that we are comfortable with even considering. I do think though that it would be something father would consider.
It would not be out of the question for father to do something like change sides because in his mind his own sons are the enemies so why not fight them on a side where he could not get into any legal trouble for it? I think if he had the opportunity handed to him he would go for it in a heartbeat and not even think twice which is something I had not considered until today and it was something that terrified me. I think everyone would be terrified if they had any idea of what lengths Captain Murillo would go to in order to cause harm to his sons. It sent shivers down my spine as I was eating lunch which instantly raised Rigo's red flags in his head. He was worried about me and I do not know how to tell him.
"You cold there Private First Class Murillo?" Rigo says, as another officer walks past us. I know they can not call us by our first names even if we are related when someone of a higher rank passes by. "No I am okay," I tell him. I did not need to use his rank as the officer had gone by and my brother sat next to me and rubbed my arms. Even Dylan looked concerned as you know it was warm in the canteen and there was no need to shiver. "You know you can tell us whatever is bothering you," Rigo says, talking quieter and in a softer tone than he had been. "I know and I promise that everything is fine," I tell him. It does not make me comfortable that I have just lied to his face, but he does not need to worry about my random thoughts.
"If you are sure then okay. Just let me know if you need anything like to go back for a jacket," Rigo says, and then hugs me. I hugged him back and hoped that he was okay and did not think I was trying to make him feel bad. I feel like those thoughts about father are just purely based on my paranoia especially now that we know that we are going to war, and we know there are more people out there that want to kill us but this time just for being Americans and on the wrong side. "Are you a bit more nervous now that war has been declared?" Rigo asks me, and I decide to be honest this time and nod. There is no harm in letting that one slip, everyone in this canteen even the more experienced are nervous.
We have never faced something like this before. Even the senior officers have not been involved in a war and certainly not one to this scale before. "It's perfectly natural Danny, we've not faced anything like this before and we're going to get through it," Rigo says, it reminded me of yesterday when we were calming him down because he was nervous about all of this. I think he was probably thinking the same additional things as I was, but I was not going to assume or ask either. If he wanted to talk to me about it then he will, and it is the same for me. Rigo and I both jumped when a fight broke out on the other side of the canteen. It was quickly dealt with, but you could tell the announcement had made some people angry.
People assume that if you were not ready and willing to fight in the war then you were on the side of the enemy which started that fight. Someone had said the war was pointless and the Germans were going to win which made someone else on their table angry because what was the point in signing up for the army knowing full well the world was at war and there was a possibility that you would be sent to fight in that war if you were not ready or willing. It is just a waste of time and resources which could be spent on training other people who want to fight. I am sure there will be more new recruits in the coming days ready to rise up through the ranks and prove themselves. They are going to be in trouble for starting a fight.
The rest of the day went fairly fight free apart from dinner time and there was some people on the table next to us who decide they have had enough of the tension and the attitude some people have taken to todays news. Rigo and I did our best to not react because that could be a way people try and bully us. no matter how well we think we have initially recovered from all of the abuse and trauma we went through there is no way that we could ever not react in fear when a fight breaks out among people who should be getting along. We have to train our minds differently for when the war comes, or we will not survive out on the front and we both know that and are willing to change for that to survive.
That is all this ever is, a fight for survival where they put the people against each other and the strongest survive and the weakest die. It has been drilled into me since the day I was born, and I have come to hate it. It was one of those moments where you consider whether or not it was worth being born at all then you think to yourself that there was no need to think like that because despite all the horror you went through you know that you are better than those that want to bring you down and you deserve to live because you have a lot to live for and that hope is what gets you through each day and night. We send our letters to our families and for the first time we all prayed that we would get through this.
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And that is the end of another chapter! I hope you enjoyed and I'll see ya next time.