About an hour later my sister came over to drop off my daughter, but of course she stayed over to talk about some things with me.
"You know you need to get it together right?" She asked as I held Serayah why she played on her iPad.
"I do have myself together." I mumbled.
"I just feel like you getting off track just a little bit. I don't know I feel like your mindset, just been off since he came back around." She said.
"What you tryna say?" I asked.
"It's like now you're just careless, you would've thought after that situation you would want to be around your daughter 25/8 but you would rather be around him. You took a break off work so you can be there for her right? So why constantly take her over my house just so you and him can bond. Don't get me wrong I love my niece, and I have no problem with you sending her to me I just don't the like the fact that it seems like you're putting him first." She explained.
"You sound crazy right now." I chuckled. "You act like I don't be there for my daughter at all. I can have time to myself sometimes I need a break- I never said that." She cut me off.
"Well that's what it sound like. I don't put him first in anything." I said.
"Y'all became right back intimate after that situation. You be having so much faith in him and every time you come to me crying because he disappointed you and disrespected you." She said.
"Serena what you not finna do is throw shit in my face and talk about my parenting. What me and him got going on is none of your business." I said as I started to take Serayah to her room since she was falling asleep.
Once I laid her down went back downstairs and the conversation started from where we left off.
"I'm not bashing you about your parenting, you're a good mother. I just hate to see you try so hard for a dude that puts you through hell."
"He cheated on you after you gave birth with multiple females as well as other times and then he let one of them disrespect you and your child and he didn't do anything. He even let his family talk down on you."
"You tell me it's not my business when I'm the person that you vent to and ask for advice. You always say you know not to go back to him and how you can handle yourself, I don't see that yet." She explained.
"What? He killed his mother and all of the sudden you're head over hills for him. That's why you back with him?" She asked.
"That's not why." I said.
"You're back with him because for the first time he stood up against his mother to protect y'all child like he should've been doing. I'm proud and happy that he did what he did but Sabrea, keep it real with yourself." She said.
I didn't know what to say once again. She was right, it's not a real reason or a solid reason why I decided to keep dealing with him.
"He seems genuine and he's really trying to get things back right and it's going good." I said and she shook her head.
"Are you scared of being alone, be honest it's okay." She said and I broke down as she hugged me.
"Everybody wants a long term happy relationship but don't want to heal from past trauma, speak up, cut loose from bad habits, and fix things that's worth it." She said.
"It's nothing but a repeated cycle. We watched momma get cheated on multiple times and witness her trying fix a broken bond to the point where she lost herself and our daddy didn't do anything but flip it and try to blame her." She said.
"Momma always told us how it's easy for a man to walk away when he already been cheating, but a faithful man won't leave you because you're all he got." She said.
Growing up our parents would argue day to night. Hearing my mother yell, and try to express how she didn't understand what she could have done to get treated like that was the worst thing ever.
It got really bad between them. One day I was at school, I was 17 at the time. I got called to the office, I was confused when I saw my sister in tears waiting for me. That's when I found out my father killed my my mother. That was the worst day of my life.
They said that he got really angry at my mother for arguing with him over something. He was "fed up", I guess that's what he claimed and decided he couldn't take it anymore.
She always taught us to never let someone treat us bad but look at what I'm doing now.
"I'm doing the same thing." I cried.
"It's okay Sabrea, just let it out." She said.
"I just wanted her to grow up with both of her parents. I wanted a family, but it's really hard sometimes." I said.
"You have to learn how to stop trying to prove yourself to a person that did you wrong. You can't award somebody for doing what they were supposed to be doing and you can't allow all these chances." She said.
"Y'all been on and off for 4 years because he chose not to get his shit together.....Momma wouldn't want for you to lose yourself and go the same route she did trying to explain herself when she did nothing wrong."
"It's okay to be alone, it's okay to co-parent, it's okay for you to express how you feel to him, to express how he hurt you mentally. You probably are right that he's changing for the better, but it shouldn't take this long for somebody to do right by you. You let him manipulate you and sweet talk you.
"You don't need a man to be happy or to feel good about yourself and you definitely don't someone that doesn't recognize all the good you give."
"Learn the difference between a connection and an attachment. One gives you strength and the other drains you." She said.
"Now if you want try again with him just think about what I said. I've said all I had to say." She said as I wiped my tears.
I was honestly stuck. It's like I have so much faith in him becoming this good person for me and the moment that I forget about all he's done to hurt me it's brought up again.
I can't change him, but I don't want to give up on him. Like I know I was talking other people but I was just trying to get his attention which is dumb.
I can't break myself constantly putting up with this. I don't know what to do.
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Twitter can really come in handy sometimes.
What y'all think she should do??