OUR STORY began when we were both 9 years old.
We studied in the same primary school for many years but didn't notice each other. We wouldn't even greet each other in the school corridor.
In the last year of primary school, we were put in the same class and nothing changed. He was a dorky boy who was shorter than me. I was the girl with a haircut shaped like a mushroom. I was so shy and always kept to myself. On the few occasions that I smiled, I let my crooked teeth be seen.
We were at an awkward age where boys and girls don't talk to each other. Boys thought girls are boring and fussy. Girls thought boys are gross and dirty.
Then a school trip to Outward Bound brought everyone closer together. Our whole year group camped in their facility for five days and everyone was assigned to different groups and instructors.
Coincidentally Elliot and I were assigned to the same group with eight other classmates.
When we were young, every coincidence felt like fate. When we grow older, every fate feels like a coincidence.
During this trip we took part in activities like building a raft, jumping off the jetty, hiking in the pouring rain and basically anything that took a lot of bravery.
Since the first day, Elliot just stood out to me. He was the first one to volunteer and jumped off the jetty with no hesitation. He was so confident and dauntless. We are so different but opposites attract so my feelings for him kept growing.
He was also charming and attentive. He was a gentleman who would hold your hand when you slide your way through a muddy path. At every table, he would save me a seat. He paid attention to every move I made and whenever I felt uncomfortable he came to the rescue. He was my hero and I was in his protective bubble. I fell in love with the way he touched me without using his hands.
That trip changed everything. It was clear that we liked each other and everyone could tell.
It started off innocent and pure. Every day it got a little sweeter and it kept getting better.
We were young and didn't know what it meant to be together. We did what any kid would do. Stay up all night messaging each other. Sharing love songs was a way of showing our feelings for each other. And we'd end the day with a "sweet dreams" message.
One day he sent me a text and it said, "I like you".
The three words I've been waiting for.
No words can describe the feeling you have when you know the boy you like feels the same way.
At that moment I was hit with a wave of fear.
The fear of change. The fear of us failing. If we never start writing the story, the story will never have an ending. So I rejected the boy I liked.
What I didn't know was that it was just the first chapter of our story.
We didn't know what we were doing. Somehow I thought that nothing would change between us and we can still live in our little bubble. But that day, our bubble popped. He thought I rejected him because I didn't like him. And I never had the courage to tell him he was wrong.
That was the start of the cycle that rolled into secondary school. We weren't in the same classes. We didn't go to the same cafeteria. Despite the circumstances, coincidences brought us back together and it was the same thing.
We would flirt and fall for each other.
He would confess his feelings for me.
I would reject him even though I liked him.
Then we would fall apart.
Next year comes around. Repeat.
I lost track of how many times we did this. Every cycle we go through, the less pure our relationship becomes. Every year, our fights got worse when we let jealousy and misunderstandings come between us. We know each other so well, we knew which words cut the most.
But it's not what we said. It's what we didn't say.
If one of us were just honest about how we felt. We were each other's first love and that will always hold a special place in our hearts. But we let our insecurities and egos get the best of us.
A pure and innocent relationship turned into an addiction. I was addicted to the idea of what could have been. I lost sight of who we have become and how much we've changed.
I WAS SIXTEEN the summer I stayed at my grandparent's vacation home. A lot happened between my grandparents and me on that holiday. Every night I would weep in my bathroom and lie on the floor having panic attacks.
My parents were not with me. I felt like I had an unbearable weight put on my shoulders and no one was there to protect me. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of Elliot.
Elliot always had this effect on me. A warm fuzzy feeling takes over my body. I really relied on the sense of security he gave me. With him, I felt unbreakable because he would be there to protect me. I believe that subconsciously, I still saw him as the hero I met in Outward Bound.
The summer holiday comes to an end and I arrive at school on the first day with newfound courage. For the first time, I was ready to tell Elliot how I felt about him. I was ready to break the cycle.
Two days go by and I still didn't catch a glimpse of him. I asked around and that when I was told, "He left".
Elliot left to study in Switzerland.
I was the last to know.
On that day I spiralled into depression for the second time in my life. I didn't realize how much I relied on him until that day. He was the reason why I survived the depression the first time and since that day I equated my worth to the amount of attention he gave me. When he left, he left with my soul.
He posted on social media, "I live my day as if it were the last as if there was no past." And I was his past.
I was sure that he was gone forever. I would never see him again. And never have the chance to tell him about how I felt. That was when I turned to art. I decided that the topic for my fine arts class was going to be the story of our relationship. I had two years to prepare for this exhibition and I created numerous artworks addressing every moment we shared.
During my healing process, I met Sebastian. He had a crush on a girl and I encouraged him to take a chance or he will suffer in regret like me. He got rejected but it brought us closer together. Two broken hearts healing each other.
A year into this art project, Elliot came back. He came back to school.
By the time he came back I was having the time of my life. I was stronger than ever and ready for a new start. He came back and the cycle continued.
Kimberly and Emma said that fate brought us together so we should take a chance. But I couldn't forget how he just left me without a word. I was so mad at him because I was about to start a new chapter in my life and my past was back to haunt me.
So I plotted my revenge. Initially, the artworks I made had subtle hints so no one really knew who it was about. When he came back I decided to paint his portrait. I wanted everyone to know it was about him.
After he came back, he asked me out for a cuppa and I said no. I liked him. But I lost the courage to open my heart to someone. The only time I did, I was left broken-hearted. Since then I have built a wall around my heart, I wouldn't let anyone in.
THE EXHIBITION came around and everyone visited because there were rumours about my artwork. Other art students knew that no one would come so they used me as bait and for publicity.
I will never forget their gasps and shocked faces as they observed my work. Many faint whispers and subtle fingers point towards Elliot's portrait. Everyone asked me if it was a true story. Everyone either complimented my work or told me I was very brave.
I spent two years planning this exhibition. My friend sent me a photo of Elliot looking at my artworks and it is still one of the happiest moments in my life. The exhibition was my love letter to him.
I had every possible reaction and scenario running through my mind. I knew my work would start false rumours and gossip. But I was ready for it.
What I wasn't ready for was a text from Elliot. He had become upset and embarrassed by the attention.
Maybe this is karma. I rejected him many times. And the only time I was honest about how I felt, I got rejected.
In between the paintings I included three pieces of writing that guided the audience through our story.
First:
Dear audience,
Eight years ago I met a boy.
We were
Just friends
That spoke like lovers
And that seemed to be enough for
Two teenagers who were afraid to love each other
Here is our story that never seems to end.
Second:
Sorry to my unknown lover,
The boy who I fell in love with under the pouring rain,
The boy who loved me when I couldn't love myself,
The boy who was my light when I drowned in darkness,
The boy who gave me everlasting laughter,
The boy who could read my thoughts with one look,
The boy who said, "never give up in anything".
The boy who I hurt when I surrendered to our enemy.
Fear.
Third:
Dear stranger,
For the past eight years, I hated you, rejected you, hurt you, but I never stopped loving you.
For the past eight years, I cried, I screamed, I was hurt, but one smile from you made it all disappear.
For the past eight years, I changed for you, you changed for me.
But we are the broken puzzle, which I can't seem to fix.
A million pieces still missing.
Your smile felt foreign. Mine turned fake.
For the next eight years,
We will not be friends,
We will not be enemies,
Just strangers with some memories.
I'm sure we will meet again,
As our story never seems to end.
I was right. We meet again.