Daylight

29 Know You Better

"NO!" SEBASTIAN'S VOICE jolts me awake. Am I hearing things?

"Please!" he yells again. I jump off the armchair to find him lying on the sofa. Sebastian is tangled in a blanket, thrashing and tossing. Without thinking, I sit on the sofa and reach for his shoulder. His skin is hot, too hot.

"Sebastian!" I say, trying to wake him. His head snaps to the side, and he whimpers but doesn't wake.

"Sebastian, wake up!" I cry and shake him harder while my body moves to sit astride his. Both of my hands go to his shoulders once more and I shake him again.

His eyes fly open; terror fills them for a brief moment before confusion, then relief. Beads of sweat covered his forehead.

"Bel," he chokes. The way he says my name breaks my heart. Within seconds he untangles his arms and brings them to my back, pulling me forward to lie on his chest. The wetness of his chest startles me, but I stay put. I can hear his heart beating, pumping rapidly against my cheek. Poor Sebastian. I put both of my hands on his sides, hugging him. He strokes my hair as he repeats my name over and over as if I am his talisman in the dark.

"Are you okay?" My words are lower than a whisper.

"No," he confesses. His chest is rising and falling slower than it was, but his breathing is still shallow. I don't want to push him to discuss what terror he has just dreamed.

I don't ask him if he wants me to stay, somehow I know he does. When I lift up his body stills.

"Come on, let's go to bed loverboy," I say holding my hand out. We must have fallen asleep watching TV after dinner.

Once he realises my intention he relaxes and stands up to join me. We make our way into the bedroom with him clinging on to me like I'll disappear if he lets go. He hugs me tightly from the back with his hands wrapped around my waist and his head on my shoulder.

He takes off his t-shirt which is now soaked in sweat. We make our way to the bed and I lay my head on his chest. I would imagine lying this way, straddling his body would be difficult, but it is comforting to him and me both. We hold onto each other as if our lives depended on it. I hold together the pieces left of this broken boy, afraid he'll fall apart if I let go.

Hearing his heartbeat under the hard surface of his chest is calming, more calming than the patter of rain on the roof. I would do anything for him to feel better.

To spend every night with Sebastian, to lie this way with him, to have his arms wrapped around me and his breathing slow in my ear. I could get used to this.

I OPEN MY EYES to the smell of coffee, the sound of the dishwasher opening and the clank of dishes. I blink up to the ceiling, the final remnants of sleep slipping from my brain as the reality of last night hit me. Seeing him so afraid and vulnerable truly broke my heart. The worst part is there is nothing I can do to make it go away. After all these years, I've seen him stressed, I've seen him exhausted, I've seen him worry, but last night he looked broken.

Now, with the sun pouring through the windows and the world awake, I am filled with uncertainty. What happened last night? How often does he have nightmares? What are they about? Does he even want to talk about it?

I ease myself off the bed, tiptoe to the bathroom, and carefully close the door, hissing at the way the latch seemed to click too loudly. I slip into a pair of boy shorts and a tank before making my way out to the kitchen, intent on letting him know what happened last night doesn't change anything between us.

He is standing in front of the stove in nothing but black boxers, his back to me, flipping what looks to be pancakes. "Morning," I say, crossing the room and making a beeline to the coffee pot.