SORRY IN ADVANCED
Nikkis POV 2 weeks later 2am
TW⚠️ sensitive topics about anxiety and suicide and eating disorders
I don't know what I feel right now. I'm very super stressed. I'm all alone in my bedroom. Well with my dog of course. I feel very alone right now. I wanna kinda sorta die. Not really die just disappear off of the planet earth. I'm so ashamed of myself i cut today and that's not good
I feel very uncomfortable And insecure in my body and I wanna just leave honestly. I'm stuck with myself and I can't escape myself. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself.
Although me and Jaden are doing well I don't feel good enough for him. Everyone says he deserves better. I've gotten dms from not fans but people I know and who know about me and Jaden and their telling me I'm not good enough for him. I'm getting compared to Madison in girlfriend wise and she was a way better girlfriend then I could ever be
She's literally perfect. I'm not even gonna lie about it either. She's gorgeous. I hate to say it but it's true. So is that darianka girl she's pretty too. I do not know why you would ever choose me over them
Fans are half and half. Some of them call me rude names some of them are nice I guess.
I'm stressed. I need to find something to do like an occupation. Never planned any of that shit before because I was gonna be a volleyball player but that's all fucking ruined I need to find something I could do. I don't know I'm stressed how am I gonna be able to do anything like I have a bad image and reputation and half of social media hates me
Really I never saw myself making it this far. I thought I would just be dead by now but I guess not. I'm still here for some purpose unknown. I really wanna just go and leave never come back.
I write a few words down in my note book kinda maybe I could make a poem or song.
I don't feel ok right now. I'm so stressed. Fidgeting with my pen pressing the top of it over and over again. I scroll though my phone on tiktok trying to find a distraction but it's really the opposite
I see all these pretty girls perfect girls on tiktok and I'm just comparing myself to them. I put my phone on my bed and walk into the bathroom. I look at myself in the mirror and lift my shirt up. My body isn't how I liek it. I don't like it. It feels like I've gained weight. I look around the room and one thing catches my eye...
The scale...
No Nikki no. Stop yourself.
Oh who am I kidding just check I already know I've gained weight. I walk over to the scale and I step on it. I close my eyes tightly hoping I didn't gain. I open my eyes to see...
120lbs
No no no no. I've gained so much no no no no no. I start shaking and crying. I can't.
I walk back to my room crying. I go back into my bed and I pick my phone back up. I'm still crying a lot actually and shaking
I go back on tiktok and refresh my page. Now my page is messed up. There a bunch of Jaden and mads tiktoks. The "jads" shippers are bringing old videos back. Jaden looks so happy so did mads. It makes me sad for some reason. Mads looks so happy too.
This is just making me cry even more. They look so fucking happy. My heart is pounding.
The next tiktok i see sends me gong crazy. It's a tiktok with mads and Jadens parents and siblings. Mads looked so close with them they all looked so happy. My heart is beating out of my chest right now. They all look so close. Jadens sister is calling mads her sister.
That's my biggest fear. Meeting parents.
That's my biggest fear because of the past. No parents liked me at all. Except the parents of my friends of course they liked me i think. Except Ryan's parents because of Sara. My biggest fear is meeting parents. My reputation is so bad that parents just base me off of it. It hurts a lot. The parents that i knew really like me were mine of course and ally's parents. I always use to stay over there. But ever since ally passed they moved away back to Italy.
Sometimes when i get really angry i could feel ally's presence for some reason. She always use to tell me to yell at her not anyone else. And when I'm mad i know it's wrong but i take it out on ally even though she's dead. That's what she would tell me though
My heart is beating so quick and I'm shaking a lot and crying. I'm not good enough I'm not. Jaden deserves better. I can't handle meeting his parents their gonna hate me. My reputation ruins it all. When i met Cameron's parents they hated me so much. It was really humiliating to be honest they just straight up made fun of me.
I feel my chest starting to tighten and i start grasping for air. My throat feels like it's closing. I feel like I'm dying. I'm panicking really bad. I grab my phone and i don't even know what I'm doing. I text Jaden this
Baby❤️
Me
I can't do this anymore
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
——————-
Oh shit what did i do. No no. I throw my phone across the bed. I can't. No. I'm crying a lot i can't breath and I'm shaking a lot a lot. I can't stop shaking. Buggy comes and sits in my lap trying to comfort me. I don't know what's happening i don't know if this is an anxiety attack or panic attack because their different i just can't think straight
I grab my phone to see Jaden texted only making me freak out even more. I'm crying and shaking and hyperventilating i feel like I'm dying actually. I try texting my mom but there's no answer. Keep in Mind it's like 2:45am. I can hardly type I'm shaking so much and can't focus
Mom
Me
Mom please
Mom please come over
Answer please
Mom pleas
Mom help me
Mom i need you please
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I called her twice no answer. She's sleeping
Next hope is Dixie. I don't really care if i wake her up or not. I spam her phone just like how i did to my mom but no answer. I call 5 times no answer. I panic even more i can't control it it's to hard. I can hardly breath and i feel dizzy
Last option is to tweet at Dixie because then she'll wake up. She only keeps those notifications on plus she'll get the notification because i verified
(A/n. What nikki tweeted @ Dixie is in bold ok)
I go on twitter and start tweeting at Dixie
"@dixiedamelio please help me"
"@dixiedamelio help me"
"@dixiedamelio come over help"
"@dixiedamelio i fucked up answer"
"@dixiedamelio please answer"
"@dixiedamelio please dix wake up and come over"
"@dixiedamelio help me"
"@dixiedamelio i fucked up please dixie i can't"
"@dixiedamelio i need you"
"@dixiedamelio help"
"@dixiedamelio ANSWER PLEASE I NEED HELP"
"@dixiedamelio please come to my apartment "
"@dixiedamelio i fucked up really bad please"
"@dixiedamelio i can't dixie please"
"@dixiedamelio please Amswef"
"@dixiedamelio it's important please"
"@dixiedamelio answer please"
After tweeting multiple times shaking and not being able to breath. I see people worried replying to my tweets and their confused. Dixie's still not answering and it's only getting worse. I'm shaking really bad and breathing heavily i can't it feels like the airs running out. I feel dizzy too. I see my door open and a figures there in the door way but run right back out
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I'm sorry it had to happen
I know you guys are just gonna say to just let them be happy but hmm I was thinking about it and don't worry this is gonna lead to a good thing don't worry
Anyways everyone have a good day
😫😫