Ives never let go of me up till I finally calm myself down. Hindi rin siya nagsalita o nagtanong sa kung anong dahilan ng pag-iyak ko pero alam ko na sa kabila ng katahimikan, ay ang pagpigil ng parehong damdamin naming dalawa.
"Ang tagal tumila.." he mumbled through my ears. "Hindi ka pa ba hahanapin sa inyo?"
I silently shook my head and relish my moment on his lap, especially the warmth steaming out of the holes from his jeans.
"You? Hindi ka pa rin hahanapin? O... baka may trabaho ka ngayon?"
"Wala... Pero siguro hinahanap na ako ni nanay. Lalo na ni Inton... Nasa akin na iyong laruan niya.."
Kinyha ko 'yun na pagkakataon, "Why are you here?"
"Hindi ba dapat ako ang nagtatanong niyan?" he chuckles.
"You can ask me later, ako unang nagtanong." sinubukan kong tumayo dahil ramdam ko na nanginginig na ang binti niya but he pushed me down until I'm back from where I was.
"Okay, sabi mo, e." he paused. "May mga naiwan kami... Saka lang namin napansin noong natapos na maglinis sa bahay kaya.. I came back here.."
"'Yun lang?"
Ives nods. "Akala ko naman kung ano pa.."
"Why? Are you expecting me to go here without any reason?"
"Puwede rin. Baka may dinadalawa ko or something."
My eyes is half-closed but I still see him staring down with a shocked eyes. "Bakit?" I ask.
"Wala.. Wala... May mga naiwan din akong gamit, mabuti walang kumuha.."
Walang nagsalita pagkatapos. "Ikaw? Why did you come back?"
"I don't know." I shrug. "Basta nalaman ko na lang na nandito ako 'nung kinausap ako ng guard.."
"Hmm.."
"You're not gonna ask me if I'm saying the truth or nah?"
"Hindi na.. Bakit? Hindi ba totoo iyon?"
"Totoo naman.."
My heart melts more when he smiles. He's growing comfortably smiling at me now. Malayong-malayo sa kung anong simangot na binabato niya noon sa akin.
"Totoo pala e. And I know that it's your reason.. Kaya hindi na ako nagtanong pa.."
Kumulog uli at naging sign iyon para manahimik kaming uli. He's humming a familiar tune that I couldn't tune out what song it is but I let myself indulge in it.
Mahina akong nagdadasal na sanang walang makakita sa amin ngayon. I wanted to be here. In the dark room. In the middle of sounds from the skies. But with him. With Ives himself.
With him, I felt a safety I never felt to anyone from before... Even Weslee.. Even my own...
"Eoghan Reed," tawag nito. "Can I sh—"
"Eoghan Reed talaga?" namula ang pisngi ko. No one dared to call me by my two names until now.
"Sabi mo ayaw mo na tinatawag kita na Eoghan lang so.." he stoop down to flick the mosquito out of my cheeks. Papaluin ko sana pero nakita na niya pala. "Unless there's something you want me to call you, hmm?"
"Sira ulo.." tawa ko at umiling. "But what? Ano sabi mo?"
I watch his chest descending from breathing, his daunting mien in spite of the darkness around us, and his troubled eyes staring at nowhere.
He seemed pretty reluctant continuing what he had done.
"Kung ayaw mo na sabihin, okay lang." sabi ko. "Hindi naman kita pinipili—"
"No, inisip ko lang saglit.."
"Okay.. Ano?"
"Puwede magtanong?"
"Oo nga," tumawa ako.
"But you can promise me you won't get mad?"
I stopped midway, thinking of what he had mentioned. "I can't make promises that fast, Hayme.."
"O-oh?" tinitigan niya ako na parang hindi makapaniwala. "What did you say?"
"I'm not repeating myself," I joked. "Hindi ko maipapangako, Hayme, okay?"
"Did you just call me by my name?"
"Your second name? Yeah, I did." I beamed.
Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ko nasabi iyong pangalawa niyang pangalan. Perhaps it's because he called me by what I'm not always called with and he's now tracing my flaws om face with such proud evident in his eyes.
"C-can you call me... that?" he replied. "F-from now on?"
"Okay... Mr. Hayme.." tumawa ako at hinayaan na kiligin ang sarili. Para ngayong gabi lang.
"Ano na nga? Stop cutting your words, Hayme. Kinakabahan na ako kasi baka tinatanong mo pala ako kung puwede mo ba akong patayin ngayong gabi, who knows?"
"Bakit ko naman tatanungin kita ng ganiyan?" he guffawed and pulled me closer. "It was you always cutting me off, quits lang."
I rolled my eyes and patiently wait for him.
Bumalik uli ang pagkabalisa sa mukha niya. With a heavy sigh, "You love him, right?"
I have a speech five seconds ago but now I don't have any left. His words cut through like a knife, made my heart bleeding in surprise.
There's a fraught silence after it. And sa bawat segundong nasasayang, mas lalo lang dumidiin ang pagsisisi sa kaniya dahil sa tanong.
Why... is he interested at Art now?
I was turt earlier because the thought of.. Art has slipped my mind for a while because I'm with him and... he brought it up and I wanna hate him for doing that.
But God knows I can't and will not do that at him.
Instead, I flash him my smile even if it breaks him, "Bakit mo natanong?" I paused. "Oh, wait, who?"
"Ha?"
"Who are you referring to? Be specific Ives Hayme.."
"Him. He. Siya. Si ano." he peered away. "I can't.. Eoghan Reed.. I can't put it out of my tounge.."
Natawa ako. "Grabe naman? Why?"
He just shrugs.
I sighed and accepted my defeat. In fairness, even if he's not mentioning his direct name, it is evident in his eyes.
"Ano uli 'yung tanong?"
"I hate to say it again.."
"Bakit naman?" umayos ako ng posisyon at tuluyan nang nahiga sa lap niya. But I felt something throbbing on my back. What was that?
"Eoghan Reed.. Answer it please? Isa lang tanong ko pero... dumami na.."
Pinili kong huwag abutin ang pisngi niya dahil mukha siyang bata sa lagay ngayon. "O-oo naman.. Bakit? What do you think? I don't?"
"Wala akong sinabi.." paggaya niya sa boses ko kanina.
"Yes, I did. I do. Still do. He's just not here but... my heart is still with him.."
Although that made my mood somehow afloat for a while, he seemed the opposite one.
Nagtanong siya, sinagot ko lang. Why does it have to be this painful? Pinchy? For the both of us?
"Are you sure?"
Though his choice of response was surprising, I didn't mind it. "Oo naman. Hindi ko na kailangan patunayan pa. O you want me to?"
"No." he replied right away. I laugh.
"Okay, sabi mo, e." ngiti ko.
Binalot uli kami ng katahimikan. We're starting to be oblivious of the perpetual rain outside, and also the time.
"Can I do the same thing?"
"Ano? Tanong din?"
I nod. "Hmmm.."
"Sure.."
"Why did you ask?" pertaining to what we just talked about. "I mean, what's running inside of you?"
"Naisip ko lang..."
"There's nothing wrong in times of this where a storm is having its time outside," I joked around. "Come on, Hayme, why?"
He looks pained after, "I'm saying the truth. Naisip ko lang bigla. Parang ilaw na biglang bumukas sa isip ko, ganoon.."
Accepting his lies, I lay my left on my forehead. "I thought there's something else.."
Ives cleared his throat, "Kung inamin ko ba ang totoo, makukuha ba kita?"
"Ha?" I push away my hand.
"Ha?"
"'Yan. Anong sabi mo?" bigla akong kinabahan. Nasakto na may kulog nang sabihin niya iyon kaya hindi ko narinig. But there's something in his tone that left a mark in me kaya...
"Wala akong sinasabi.."
"Mayroon kaya!" I boasted.
But he's keen he never said anything. Pero imposible.... alam ko may sinabi siya, e!
"Baka na misinterpret mo 'yung kulog sa boses ko.."
That made me laugh for a moment, "Hindi naman guwapo ang kulog, ha?"
Ives just laid his eyes on me afterwards. Taking all my imperfections in his and never wanting it let go inside him.
***
He asked if he could play a song while waiting for the rain to pacify and I just agreed. A song from an old OPM rolled in and I immediately recognized it as the one he's humming earlier!
"I know that song.."
"You do?"
"Yeah.. Pero hindi ko maalala kung anong title.." ngumiwi ako. "I'm more into pop now, e..."
"Synesthesia.." he whispered. "My favorite when I me—"
Hindi ko siya pinatapos dahil nagkaroon na ako ng lakas para abutin ang mukha niya. Gulat man, hindi niya iyon tinulak at hinayaan lang ako na maglakad sa pisngi gamit ang dalawang daliri.
I can tell he's just shaved his stubbles because I can still feel the leftover hair he didn't manage to pluck out. Aside from it, hindi siya oily na I doubt kung ako rin. Every part of it screams masculinity and a chance that... he will never reciprocate my feelings for him..
Kahit na sabihin na nating kung wala kami ni Art ngayon, alam ko na... wala pa rin akong pag-asa.
At one point, gusto kong pag-usapan namin iyong rejections niya sa akin noon pero dahil sa naisip... hindi ko na natuloy.
Albeit we're having a small fun, the pain is still ringing. Especially the fact that... gosh..
"Anong iniisip mo?" biglang anito.
"H-ha? Wala... Inaantok na ako.." I lied.
"Hmmm? Pero nagtutubig ang mata mo.."
He did what I'm doing, with his long finger, he traced the shape of my eyes until he caught a small drop of tears I'm about to drop.
"You miss him?" he ask.
Why does he keep bringing Art up here?
"S-siya kaagad?"
"Why? Masakit kung iisipin ko na dahil sa akin, Eoghan.." oh.. wala na 'yung Reed? "Kaya siya na lang... Siya naman dapat iniisip mo at hindi ako, right?"
"Ives..."
He didn't stir.
Oh, God, only if you knew...
After all the looks I'm throwing, he paid me back with a small smile. A smile that never meet his eyes.
"Naalala mo sinabi ko noong nagkita tayo sa banyo? Na masaya ako sa'yo?"
Hindi ako sumagot. Masaya ako na masaya siya sa akin pero... sa pagkakataon ngayon na naguguluhan ako kung sino ba talaga ang gusto ko kahit na aminin ko kung sino ay hindi pa rin tama...
Wala akong nararamdamang iba kundi pait....
"Umalis ako kaagad kasi ayoko nang dagdagan pa pero... may kasunod talaga iyon.."
"W-what?"
"Will you hate me if I say it now?"
Hindi ako uli sumagot.
"It is masaya ako sa'yo pero sana dahil sa akin ka masaya... That's it..." another sad smile from him again.
I found myself like a bleeding glass on a cold floor.
***
Sa awa ng Diyos, tumila na ang ulan. And that's already the end for this moment. For the moment that hurts me but got me comfortable I don't even want to go and leave what we have for a little time.
"Tumila na, siguro pwede na nating takbuhin kahit papaano?" kahig mahirap, I push myself up till I'm lost to the cold again.
"Mura lang naman 'yung over counter na paracetamol kunh sakaling tamaan tayo, padalhan na lang kita kung ikaw ang tamaan.."
"Tinamaan na ako, Eoghan Reed.." bulong nito.
"Ha?"
Tila ba nagulat din siya sa pagtataka ko. Hindi ko na inulit dahil wala na naman ang isasagot niya. Binuksan ko uli ang flashlight ng phone at saka nakita na may isang missed call mula kay Art.
Hindi ko pinansin.
"Ah.. Eoghan.." tawag nito nang maayos namin ang dalawa. Wala kaming ginawa sa loob kaya hindi na kailangan magtagal. At saka, sobrang dilim na talaga.
I stand by the doorway, not looking, "Hmm yeah?"
"May gusto akong sabihin.."
Tumingin na ako, medyo taka. "Yeah? Akala ko ba wala na?"
"I lied, you see.."
"Okay, what it is then? Baka hinahanap na tayo.."
I'm not rushing him but saying someone might be looking for us sounds the same so it made him panic.
Bigla siyang lumapit, na akala ko roroon muna siya sa puwesto namin kanina. "Gusto ko lang sabihin na..."
He faltered before locking our eyes, "Na sana tama lang lahat ng ginawa ko at napunta ka sa mas maayos na lugar.. sana tama lang na sinaktan kita noon.. sana naging maayos na daan iyon para maramdaman mo ang dapat sa akin.."
"Hindi ko maintindihan.."
Ives shakes his head and grin, "You don't need to... basta sana tama lang ako na pinakawalan ko ang akala ko hindi puwede sa akin.."
I'm lost for words right after.
"Last na.. Pero hindi siya tanong.."
"A-ano?"
Alam ko dapat umalis na ako kasi habang tumatagal lang 'tong magkasama kami... alam ko mas lalo lang nagiging mali.. Pero hindi ko alam kung paano..
"Wala kasi akong regalo para sa'yo bukas.. Medyo nagipit.. Wala pa akong raket sa ngayon.. Pero can I still hug you? As my gift?"
My arms immediately hang on the air, "Can I?"
"Sure.."
Akala ko dahan-dahan lang siya na lalapit talaga pero nang hatakin niya ako nang tuluyan, I got the fervor he's stopping himself from doing this out of nowhere..
Because this hug is not just a simple hug.. It became the mouth who tells my body what he thinks right now... About him.. About me.. About us...
"Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan 'to ririto, Eoghan pero... kung sana dumating ang panahon na may mangyari, na hindi ko pinapangarap kasi alam ko na masaya kayo pero... sana sa panahon na puwede na talaga tayo... sana ganito mo pa rin ako yakapin.."
"Sana ganito mo pa rin ako tingnan... Kasi alam mo kung bakit?"
"Puwit ko may raket?" I snarl.
He managed to have a laugh while shedding a tear, "God... Kasi bawat sulyap mo sa akin, isang pagkakataon ang nabubuo... sana huwag kang huminto.. kasi handa na ako.. kahit mukhang hindi.. Basta... basta mahalin mo siya sa paraang alam mo at kung mawala man sa'yo kung paano magmahal.."
"Hindi ako mag-aatubili na turuan ka uli kung paano pero pangako... para sa akin na sa susunod.. sa susunod na habangbuhay.."
And we part away with a same yearning heart for a chance. A chance we might regret but we both know there'll be no regret if it's him and I... evermore..