Harry was in the spare room - now Corben's study room - writing a letter. He was simply copying the previous letter he'd written to McGonagall to a fresh new page. With the sheer number of times he'd handled it and shoved it into his pocket, it was now barely readable. A hundred creases decorated it and broke the ink into tiny fragments.
Normally he wouldn't be using Corben's table but Corben was sleeping and he had to admit he had done quite a good job with furnishing this room. He only wished he had done it earlier.
Harry has finally made up his mind truly and completely and he was going to tell Corben that he wished to be a teacher at Hogwarts. He sealed the letter carefully in an envelope when he'd finished writing it and placed it inside one of the drawers. Then he went to the bedroom where he found Corben curled into a ball as he slept.
With worry curling his brows into a frown, Harry sat gingerly next to Corben's sleeping form and touched his arm. It was ten in the morning; Corben had eaten his breakfast two hours ago and had gone to bed again, saying that he was tired and needed some rest. Harry had happily put him to bed and stayed with him until he fell asleep, but now he was beginning to get concerned. This was so unlike Corben to sleep in, that too in such a stressful time as this. Of course, Harry was glad that he was getting some well-deserved rest but he usually had to force Corben to get out of his table and take a nap.
With his hand on Corben's shoulder, he shook him gently. He didn't enjoy waking him up - he looked so much at peace when he was sleeping, no frowns wrinkling his face - but Harry felt that something was wrong. Corben wouldn't sleep so much.
After a few minutes of gentle shaking, Corben stirred. He stretched his legs and blinked up at Harry, who instantly felt guilt wash over him as the wrinkles of worry took over his face yet again. But he smiled and caressed his jaw, saying, "Good morning. Again."
Much to his pleasure, Corben smiled, pushing his face into Harry's hand. "I'm surprised you woke me up."
"Me too. I was worried. Are you okay?"
The smile faded a little. "Hm. Just exhausted."
Not wanting to make him more stressed than he already was, Harry put a gentle smile on his face and asked, "Are you going to work today or take a break? It's okay if you take a break. I know you'll do well either way."
Somehow, this caused the remainder of Corben's smile to vanish. He pushed Harry away, albeit gently, and turned over so he was facing the wall. Feeling like a complete fuck-up, though he was unsure of what he'd done wrong, Harry pulled himself up on the bed, biting his lip, and said, "What is it, Corben? You seem to pull away from me sometimes but you never tell me what is it I've done or said wrong. Please talk to me."
Without saying anything, Corben curled up into a ball again and closed his eyes. Harry stared at him for a minute, uncertain whether it would be a good idea to touch him. He placed a gentle hand on his waist and when Corben didn't protest, he wound his arm around completely and leaned over his shoulder. "What can I do for you, Corben?"
He was relieved when Corben took his hand and twined their fingers together. Corben's stomach rose and fell under his arm with his soft and shallow breaths. "What if I fail the exams, Harry?" he asked in a low, strained whisper. "What if I don't become an Auror? What then?"
Harry did not answer right away. With the hand that was not tangled with Corben's, he stroked his hair gently and rhythmically, hoping that this would act as a balm against all the insecurities that wrapped Corben in their merciless arms. "You won't fail," he said quietly. "You will be an Auror. Trust me."
Corben let out a quick breath. "But what if I don't?"
"I have faith in you. I know -"
"No!" Corben shot away from Harry and was out of the bed in one second. Harry watched, perplexed, as he huddled against the corner of the room and rested his forehead on the wall. He was hugging himself firmly with his arms around the stomach and breathing rapidly. He would start crying at any moment now.
Instead of going over to him as he desperately wanted to do, Harry settled on the bed and looked at Corben's back. A hug would evidently calm him but a part of Harry argued that a hug was not what Corben needed now. So he decided to talk. "What can I do for you, Corben?" he asked, for the second time.
Corben seemed to be trying to get his breaths under control. Eventually, he turned around and faced Harry, though he kept his back pressed against the wall. "I want you to be realistic with me," he said. His voice was low and monotonous but firm, giving Harry the impression that he had rehearsed these words many times before. He nodded.
"Okay. Will you explain to me what that entails?"
Corben lowered his eyes to the ground. "Do you know how awful it makes me feel when you keep insisting that I will be an Auror?" Harry's mouth opened in shock though he refrained from saying anything. He continued looking at Corben, silently encouraging him to speak. "When Theo keeps imagining my future - chasing bad guys and dumping them into Azkaban? When Blaise smiles at me and says that I'll become annoying and pedantic and make their lives hell for breaking rules?"
Corben paused and looked at his open palms as though hoping for some magic words to appear on his skin. His words made little sense to Harry but he waited for him to explain.
"I know you guys mean well," Corben continued, voice dropping to a whisper. "I love you all so much and I appreciate the support but it's not doing me any good. I'm constantly thinking about how not to fail you, how to live up to your expectations. Every time you express hope about my future I get terrified. I work my arse off and memorise all my books five times because you have such high expectations that I feel like if I don't become an Auror you will abandon me or something."
His voice broke at the last few words. Harry immediately leapt to his feet and went to hug him but Corben put up a hand to stop him. He complied and stood a little distance away, allowing Corben to compose himself on his own.
"I know you won't abandon me," said Corben after he was done wiping his eyes. "It's stupid but I can't help it. There's always this large cloud above me that pushes me to work and work and work so I don't disappoint you guys. But the more I work the less eager I feel about it. When I first decided to start training to be an Auror I was so excited and hopeful. This is what I wanted to be. This was my dream job. Now it just feels like a duty I need to fulfil rather than a job I wish to have."
This time Corben didn't stop him when Harry flung his arms around him. Despite being the taller one, Corben seemed so small as he buried himself into Harry's chest. Slowly, he backed away and flopped down on the bed, Corben still clinging to him. He scratched his back and rubbed his arms. Corben trembled against his skin but he made no sound so Harry was unable to figure out whether or not he was crying.
"I'm sorry, Corben," he whispered into his hair. "I didn't realise you felt this way."
Corben didn't answer, so he held him silently, continuing to stroke circles over his back. When he eventually stopped trembling, Harry pushed him lightly away so that he could look at him.
"Corben? I'll be realistic with you. Ask me now."
Corben sat hunched in his arms, not looking at him. He asked, "Do you think there is a chance that I won't be an Auror?"
Harry bit his lips to keep the old, familiar answer from spilling out. He said, "Yes. There is. We can never tell for sure if you'll pass your exams."
Corben finally met his eyes. "Thank you." They held each other's gazes for a minute before laughter poured out of their lips. Harry was the first to be able to compose himself and said, "Okay. Next question."
Corben cleared his throat, straightening his back. "What happens if I fail?"
"The sky will crumble and crush you." Corben's brows weaved into a frown before he realised Harry was joking. Biting his lips to stifle an obvious laugh, he pushed Harry, who enveloped him in his arms. "I'm joking. Nothing will happen. It won't be the end of the world. You'll be sad for a while but you'll move on and no one will love you any less."
"Will you be disappointed in me?" This time, Corben's face held real fear as though he really thought Harry could ever be disappointed in him. It brought a sharp pain to shoot through his chest.
"No. I'll be sad but not disappointed, no."
"These two years that I've worked and studied so hard for this job - won't it all go to waste?"
Harry thought about this for a moment before answering. "No. You've learned and experienced so much - that's not something you can undermine."
Corben nodded. Harry was pleased to notice that he was breathing normally now. His arms and shoulders were no longer stiff, and though he sat hunched over, it was mostly out of comfort than misery.
Harry put his arms around his waist and fell back on the bed, taking Corben along. Corben nuzzled Harry's neck. "Thank you."
"I'm sorry I didn't realise you were going through so much."
But Corben shook his head. "No. You couldn't have known. You've done a lot for me, Harry and I'm happy that you understood what I'm struggling with."
Harry kissed his forehead. "So what are you going to do now? Do you have a lot of revision left? I can make you some iced tea if you like."
"Can we just lie together and talk?" His voice was shy as he said, "And I don't really have much to study. I've done enough studying and the only reason I kept working was that I felt like I may have missed a topic or two and I couldn't risk failing as it would disappoint you. But I'm confident in what I've learned and I don't think I need to revise anymore."
"That's good. You need to have a cool head when your exams start." He smiled. "What do you want to talk about?"
Corben considered this for a moment. Then he asked, "Who was your first crush?"
Harry was thrown off balance by the abrupt change of subject. His first thought was Cho Chang but he decided to give a different answer. What he had had with Cho seemed like a silly childhood experience. So he said, "Bill, I think."
"Who's that?"
"Bill Weasley. Ron's oldest brother."
"Oh. I haven't met him, have I?"
Harry smiled at the subtle tone of jealousy peeking through his voice. "No. He was in France when you went to the Burrow." He nudged Corben lightly. "What about you?"
"I don't think I ever had a crush."
"How is that even possible?"
Corben shrugged. "This is my first real relationship. I've had a few flings before, but nothing that lasted more than a week."
Perhaps it was ironic but talking about their past relationships somehow made Harry feel closer to Corben. Or maybe he just enjoyed listening to him. However, when the full meaning of Corben's words struck him, he frowned, peering down at him. "Wait - fling?"
Corben seemed confused at his question. "Yeah."
"Do you mean that in a - you know, sexual way?"
"What else does it mean, Harry?" Corben asked, smirking.
"So you've - you've had sex?"
Corben pulled away from him and lifted himself, balancing on his elbows. He had a small but sly smile on his face as he leaned toward Harry. "Why? Did you think I was a virgin?"
Harry sputtered out the next words. "Well, you're - I mean, you're so young. What else was I supposed to think?"
"I'm less than a year younger than you," Corben pointed out, leaning so close to Harry that their noses touched. "I'm Ginny's age."
"I know that," said Harry quickly. "It's just that - she acts mature for her age and -"
"And I'm immature?"
Harry gave him a pointed look. "Not exactly. But you're carefree and fun-loving. I was just under the impression that you're too young for sex."
Corben laughed. Harry was about to roll his eyes but Corben finally closed the distance between them and caught him in a kiss. He responded by grabbing the collar of his shirt and pulling him closer, arching his own back to get as close to him as possible.
Corben pulled away, breathless. He looked at Harry with a frown, as though suddenly realising something. "Is that why you never made a move? You thought I was too young?"
Knowing that it would be futile to hide the blush creeping up his face with Corben directly in front of him, Harry held his gaze. "Maybe." He held the back of his neck, drawing slow circles over his skin. "Who was your first ... fling?"
Corben lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. After a few moments of deliberation, he said, "Zacharius Smith."
"What?" Corben winced as Harry almost yelled. "Zacharius Smith? Of all people?"
"What's wrong with him?"
"He's a twat!" Harry exclaimed. He had sat up sometime during the last few seconds and was looking down at Corben with shock. Corben didn't seem very bothered by his reaction and merely smiled with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "You could've chosen anyone and you went for him?"
"It was a one-night thing. I didn't see him after that."
"When was it anyway?"
Corben thought for a moment. "During our repeat year. My sixth, his seventh. I was outside after curfew, probably sad for one reason or another. We came across each other near the library, one thing led to another ... you're not being jealous, are you?"
By the look in his face, Harry could tell Corben was having the time of his life.
"Of course not!" he said a bit too defensively. "But why him? He was obnoxious and unpleasant and ..."
"I admit I didn't care much about his personality while he was giving me a b-"
The doorbell mercifully rang and Harry leapt to his feet. "Oh good. I ordered Chinese for lunch."
And he ran out of the room before he could hear the rest of what Corben had to say, his laughter following Harry to the door.
•••
this is a friendly reminder for you to go and study
... i say as i ignore my six month's worth of studies to write this book