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REMUS WAS BROKEN. He couldn't sit in his thoughts, he always had to be doing something. Athena felt bad for being even more grateful to get out the house to avoid the boys constant cleaning.
She'd witnessed him crumble a few times and had nearly always been there to dart forwards and wrap her arms around him. Literally giving him a shoulder to cry on.
He'd broken down the most on New Year's Eve after he'd broken the strings on his bass guitar by playing too harshly. He hadn't meant to and wouldn't stop crying for about ten minutes even after Athena had repaired them with a simple spell.
Everyday he would go to the hospital to see Hope. Athena went whenever she could but sometimes she either wasn't able to or didn't want to. Rena wasn't trying to be insensitive but she often felt as though Remus needed to be with his father and brother (even if he resented his sibling more than anyone else).
Athena and Remus hadn't attended the Potter's New Years party. Their friends had understood and sent letters, flowers and chocolates telling Remus that they were always there for him through everything and that he could always turn to them in need. Remus appreciated this (especially the chocolates).
Athena hadn't been upset about missing the party. They did it every year and to be honest, she wasn't holding high hopes for the eighties. She doubted they could live up to the good times she'd experienced throughout the seventies.
The house was spotless which was one perk of all this. However Athena knew that he must be exhausted, night was when he couldn't distract himself anymore. Athena knew that he was lying awake because she was too. Of course she was used to sleepless nights but she knew that Remus was not.
His skin was getting paler, hair messier and the bags under his eyes were so dark that sometimes he bore the look of someone with a black eye. Athena knew that his mind was whirling when he lay awake, he was wondering how long his mother had left, whether he'd already seen her for the last time. Athena knew what he was thinking because she was thinking exactly the same thing.
Remus would spend as much time at the hospital as he possibly could. He would do anything for his mother, anything in the world. Of course there wasn't much that he could do but he tried his best.
When Athena had been there she'd witnessed him showing her how he could play the bass, reading books since she was barely strong enough to hold her own and even singing with her. Anything to take their minds off the truth. Hope Lupin was going to die.
Athena couldn't help but think that 1980 was already looking rather sour. She hadn't expected to go onto the eighties in happiness, not with everything going on. However Athena definitely hadn't expected this and she doubted that Remus had either.
It wasn't as though Hope was very old. She was only in her fifties yet lying in her hospital bed she looked a lot more aged. Athena supposed that illness did that to a person.
She was at least glad that the two brothers hadn't engaged in any fighting. They didn't get on, they would never get on. However Athena knew that everything would be made worse if they fought.
This was amplified through Lyall's presence. He was more broken than both of the sons and Athena presumed that his two sons fighting might just push him over the edge.
Heather had come in one Thursday. She looked as radiant as ever and smiled at Athena which surprised her considering how they had left it. Athena clearly recalled being pushed out the house as Remus yelled how they were going to ruin Elle's life.
Heather brought Elle that day too. Apparently Samson wanted a chance for Hope to know her granddaughter. Remus muttered something about how this was all too little too late but luckily neither Samson or Heather heard.
Remus stared at Elle longingly, he knew that if he tried to approach the young girl, Samson would stop him. The brother seemed under the impression that Remus was going to charm her or something stupid.
The young two year old already had curls adoring her head. She smiled up at Athena who waved back exaggeratedly. This had been the day where Athena had expected a fight to break out between Samson and Remus however they remained civil.
Athena knew that Remus was bursting to lecture Samson again, to tell him that lying to Elle and pretending the wizarding world didn't exist would end badly however he knew it wasn't the time. Then again, Athena wondered whether he would ever get another chance.
Sirius and James visited on Saturday. They'd met Hope a dozen times having spent summers together in the earlier years of Hogwarts. Athena was incredibly glad that they were there. She was sure that seeing new faces and hearing new voices would help Remus even if only slightly.
Sirius brought more chocolate and since Hope wasn't able to eat it, Remus did instead. Athena presumed that Sirius had brought it for him anyway. Chocolate always made Remus felt better.
They'd gone in to see Hope with Remus together. Athena had stayed outside sitting awkwardly beside Samson who didn't say a word. She got the impression that Samson didn't like her much but that didn't bother her, she didn't like Samson much either.
James and Sirius stayed for an hour and when they came out Remus told Athena that they had made her laugh and it had been great. This made Athena even happier that the two of them had showed up.
Sirius stuck around for a bit more. James had to go check on Lily who was now rather pregnant. Athena sent her love with James knowing that she'd see Lily soon anyway. Sirius didn't say a lot, Remus was in with Hope more than anyone else. Maybe except for Lyall.
Athena noticed that Sirius would occasionally shoot Samson dirty looks that probably didn't go unnoticed by the man. Whatever Sirius knew about Samson can't be good, then again Athena didn't know much good either.
After another hour Sirius had to go. Athena didn't blame him, hospitals were often very suffocating to endure. She obviously would stick through it for Remus but she didn't expect Sirius to stay as long.
The first week of 1980 was incredibly painful. Athena constantly got lost in her thoughts and wondered if Remus would actually cope with losing his mother. She knew it was inevitably going to happen soon but she knew he was trying to deny this.
The next week came the full moon. Athena knew that this wouldn't help matters at all. Remus had almost forgotten with everything going on his mind. However when he began to feel even more weary, tired and sickly he realised that it had come again.
"I need to go to the hospital" he had groaned the morning of the moon.
"Remus you can barely stand" Athena sighed,
"I said I'd go every day!" Remus cried, "she's expecting me!"
"She'll understand" Athena murmured, lightly stroking his hair and wondering how much pain he was feeling. She wished she could take it away.
"I need to see her" he winced, "what if... what if"
"They said a few months Remus" Athena smiled sadly, "It's only been a couple of weeks"
"They don't know for certain, what if something happens?"
"Remus you can't go like this, you'll only worry her"
Eventually the boy came round and he let Athena look after him for the day. She could never prepare him for the night to come, he'd have to do that himself. He was the only one who could understand the pain, at least the only one that he knew.
Athena made all his favourite foods even if he couldn't stomach it all. He seemed to be able to eat chocolate perfectly fine even when he didn't finish the soup that she'd made him.
There was nothing to numb his pain, no spell would work against this and although they had once tried muggle painkillers Remus had claimed that this just made him worse.
He sat in a bath of very warm water in an attempt to dull the aches in his limbs. Athena sat on the bathroom floor with her back against the tub reading out poems from her books. Remus never truly understood their meaning but he liked how pretty the words sounded on her tongue.
The hours drew on until the night was unavoidable. The moon came earlier in winter, way too early. By six it was nearly dark, Athena missed summer nights where the sky would stay light until around eight. She was sure that Remus did too.
Remus kissed her goodbye and walked out into the night until Athena couldn't see him anymore. She put the enchantments back around the house and found herself doing exactly what Remus had been doing the last two weeks to clear his mind. Cleaning.
She understood why he did it. Not only was it therapeutic but with a good record in the background it definitely took her mind off everything. However since Remus had been doing it so often, there wasn't actually much to clean.
By one in the morning she had exhausted all her efforts and instead just sat around in a panicked state. The tv had nothing of use on. She flicked through the small amount of channels that they had, rifled through her tape collection yet could find nothing.
What seemed like hours later, the sky began to get lighter and finally Athena could lift the enchantments.
She waited by the patio door, knowing that she would see him apperate.
Another twenty minutes passed and at this point Athena was panicking beyond her hearts content. Her hands were shaking slightly, one wrapped around her golden locket where a heartbeat was definitely present.
Then there was a faint pop.
Athena breathed relief to see the figure wrapped in the morning sun. The light did nothing to hide his injuries. Vivid scars were now accompanied by new wounds that had coated a lot of his skin in blood.
"Shit!" Athena cried as she sprinted outside, ignoring the cold. Remus stumbled forward and Athena saw that he was crying.
"Come on, come on" she pulled him into the house out of the chilled air that was turning his skin blue.
"I can't do it anymore" Remus cried, "why me? Why do I have to be stuck like this? I can't do it Rena, I don't want to do this anymore, I want it to be over"
Athena had never seen him like this before, he was shivering and it took Athena a moment to realise that this wasn't only because of the cold.
He was shaking in rasping desperate sobs and by the looks of his injuries it seemed that the wolf had tried to claw his own skin off. The wounds were deep, flesh ripped apart. It was enough to make Athena feel extremely sick however she knew that she couldn't break.
"Sit down" Athena told him gently as she began to run her wand over his wounds,
"Rena it's so painful" Remus cried, "why did it have to be me? What did I do to deserve this?"
"You don't deserve this" Athena replied, "look it'll be ok—"
"No it won't!" Remus barked, "this happens every month, I can't escape it! I'll never escape it unless I—"
"Don't finish that sentence" Athena interrupted, her hands shaking more than ever as she tried not to cry, "it wasn't as bad when James, Sirius and Peter were with you... they'd be with you again Remus"
"It's dangerous for them to be out" Remus shook his head, "James has to look after Lily, Sirius should be with Kennedy and Peter on his own won't do shit"
"Kennedy would cope for one night" Athena suggested, "or I could try and become an animagus"
"No!" Remus snapped, "no way"
"You always say that but—"
"I always say that for good reason, no way am I putting you in danger Rena, no way"
Athena nodded slowly but she wasn't entirely listening. Looking at the wounds, seeing his cry was enough.
The wounds were soon closed, the blood gone but his tears were still there.
"You're ok now" she whispered, "you're not still thinking that way are you? You know you can talk to me Remus"
The boy stayed silent for a moment.
"I hate it" Remus murmured, "I hate it so much and I can't even remember a time where I wasn't like this, it's controlled my life and it'll never stop"
"I know" Athena nodded, tears now openly falling down her face.
"You know" he continued, "when I was younger... well you know that chocolate, it's really bad for dogs... sometimes it kills them. When I was younger I used to eat it so much because... I thought it might kill off the wolf"
Athena let out a muffled sob at this story as she rested her head against him.
"It's horrible Remus" she cried, "I wish I could take it from you, if I got the chance I would"
"I know you would but I wouldn't let you" Remus whispered, "its bad enough going through this, seeing you go through this would be even worse"
"I'll create a cure one day Remus" Athena muttered, "even if I have to travel the world to do it"
"I'm sorry for what I said... I'm not going to, I don't want to... I wouldn't leave you"
"It's not me I'm worried about" Athena sighed sadly, "Its you, I don't want you to stay just because of me. I want you to be happy. I don't want you to feel like the only option is... are you sure you don't want to ask Sirius, he'll not say no"
"I know he won't say no" Remus nodded, "that's why I'm not asking"
Athena didn't reply, she knew that this was a dead end. Remus was many things and stubborn was most definitely one of them.
"Do they still hurt? The wounds?" Athena asked,
"No" Remus replied, "no, thank you they've stopped hurting"
"Good" Athena smiled, "listen, I'll run you a bath and then make some eggs for breakfast, ok?"
"What would I do without you" Remus smirked. Athena could tell that his pain hadn't vanished this quickly. The thoughts hadn't just evaporated from his mind. He was putting on a front again as he always did, not wanting her to see too much. Athena wished he wouldn't. There were still tears staining his cheeks, his scars looked more vivid in this lighting.
She gathered herself to her feet, feeling shaky from the interaction that the two of them had just shared. Athena turned and went to walk out of the living room when she heard his voice from behind.
"I love you Rena" he called, "I love you so fucking much, I'll love you forever and I'm more than grateful for you, you know that right?"
Athena turned back to look at him and felt her heart swell.
He was falling apart but she decided to ignore it.
"Of course I do, and I love you too... more than words can say"
☽☽☽
A/n
Words - 2584
Published - 24th March 2021
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