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(warning - this chapter gets a bit deep, mentions of suicide etc)
"ATHENA I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU" Aurora called from outside the locked bedroom door, "you can't stay in there for two weeks".
This was a false statement as Athena was definitely going to stay inside for two weeks. It had already been a week of lying in her bed barely moving and she wasn't doing horrendously.
Don't lie, this is the worst you've ever been
"I'm fine Rory just tired" Athena replied in a low grunt. Her parents had been sending her meals in but she has barely touched the majority of them. She didn't feel hungry, she didn't feel tired, in fact she didn't feel anything at all.
"Rena I know that you're not ok, you're still blaming yourself"
"I don't want to talk about it" Athena replied simply, "so leave me alone"
"Maybe if you invited someone over... I know you don't want to talk to me but what about Rem—"
"I don't want to talk to anyone" Athena retorted in a louder voice, "just let me sleep"
"I know you aren't sleeping" Aurora sighed, "when was the last time you slept?"
"Stop guilt tripping me" she snapped, "I'm trying to sleep"
But you don't deserve to
If you go to sleep you'll mess up something else
"Shut up!" Athena yelled out,
"I didn't say anything" Aurora muttered, "just talk to me"
"Leave me alone!" Athena cried.
That's it, just push everyone away
They all blame you anyway
Athena listened to the footsteps of her sister ebbing away as she sat up and moved towards the bathroom. The shower was cold and woke her up once more. She'd been awake so long that she couldn't even feel tired anymore. Then again she should probably sleep. If not she'd end up fading away, she was already losing weight.
Something bad will happen
"It won't" Athena replied simply as she placed her head under the cold water and closed her eyes. It was icy and rather uncomfortable to be in but she pressed her hands against the wall and stood there anyway. Her t shirt was still on as she sank to the floor and lay her head against the tiles wondering when everything went wrong.
All your fault
You ruined it
"I need to sleep" Athena murmured. The clock on her wall told her it was eight at night. It must be Sunday by now which meant it had been more than a week since she'd found her aunt dead. Her lifeless cold eyes staring at the ceiling. Now that image was imprinted into her brain and Athena knew it always would be.
She would blame you
You should have known it was important.
She sat letting the cold water freeze her for another ten minutes until she didn't even mind the cold anymore. After that she dried herself off with a spell rather than a towel and collapsed onto her bed, pulling a blanket around her.
Don't go to sleep
Don't go to sleep
They went around like a carousel in her mind, getting louder and then quieter again before they screamed in her brain like some wicked curse. Athena knew that nothing bad would happen if she slept and that it would be worse if she stayed awake however the voices worked as an alarm clock, always keeping her awake.
Eventually she couldn't even force herself to stay awake anymore, her eyes fluttered closed and she felt herself drifting away. Her dreams were worse than her waking thoughts filled with pain and death. Not only did she see the lifeless figure of her aunt but also of her friends, her sister and Remus. It was all her fault, that's what they were telling her. Over and over again until she couldn't take I anymore.
The everything went dark, maybe the voices had done her a favour and ended it. Athena started to come back to her senses, she was alive and lying in her bed. However something felt different. When she'd collapsed it had been towards the end of the bed under a blanket. Now she was under her covers with her head against a soft pillow.
Athena opened her eyes slightly and felt someone moving their hand over her hair. It felt nice but Athena had been very specific that she didn't want to see anyone. She'd told her sister not to unlock her door yet here she was. Rena sat up angrily and turned ready to argue with Aurora when her eyes landed on someone different entirely.
"Remus" Athena murmured, "what are you doing here?"
His eyes were full of worry as he sat next to her, his hand still on her shoulder providing some small sense of comfort.
"Aurora told me she was worried... said that you didn't want to see anyone"
"So why are you here?"
"You can't shut yourself away from everyone Rena" Remus sighed, "we all want to help you"
"I don't need help"
"Athena no offence but you look shit" Remus muttered, "you obviously haven't been sleeping probably... or eating, you're thinner"
"This isn't helping" Athena retorted,
"I know you're blaming yourself"
He's going to tell you that it wasn't your fault
Don't listen to him
"It was my fault, I saw the vision and I knew that it was important but I waited anyway"
"That doesn't make it your fault"
"How?" Athena muttered.
"Have I have told you the glass analogy?"
"You say a lot of shit like this and none of it ever—"
"Just listen ok?" Remus smiled sadly. Athena just shrugged as she turned to him, pulling the covers more tightly around her.
"Say we're sitting here like this and I have a glass, suddenly I decide to drop the glass and it smashes all over the floor. You were next to me and there was a chance that you could have caught it but you had no way of knowing that I was going to drop the glass. Who's fault is it that the glass broke"
"Yours but—"
"Exactly it was my fault because I dropped the glass" Remus told her, "therefore it wasn't your fault that your aunt died it was your uncles fault"
"This is someone's life not a glass anyway it's not exactly like that"
"How come?"
"Say that before we were sitting here I had a vision that you were going to drop the glass, that way I would have a way of knowing and it should be up to me to make sure you don't smash it"
"But you didn't see a vision of your aunt dying, you saw the door... that's like saying you saw us sitting together with no glass"
"But I should have known that something important was going to happen"
"That could have been anything" Remus countered, "anything at all, there would be no way to know that the event that occurred was going to be me smashing a glass and therefore you had no way to stop it".
Athena just fell silent. She couldn't find a way to argue with him yet the voices in her head were relentless. In her mind Athena was responsible and some small theory about a glass wouldn't change that.
You're to blame
It's all your fault
Couldn't even do one thing right
"Shut up!" Athena yelled as she clamped her hands suddenly over her ears as though that was going to help anything at all. Remus stared at her in bewilderment and Athena slowly took her hands away realising how this must have looked.
"They won't shut up" Athena murmured,
"Who won't?"
"You'll think I'm crazy" Athena continued, "Remus I think I'm going crazy"
Athena burst into tears as she held her hands over her face to shield her insecurities from Remus. In a split second she felt his arms around her and she lay against him. This did nothing to comfort her, instead she just cried more. Resting against him as she took shaking breaths.
It hurt to cry this much, her chest ached with every gasp and she was losing breath almost as though she was hyperventilating. Athena wanted to talk, she wanted to explain but words got caught in her throat as tears bubbled out of her eyes.
Remus hugged her tighter and she wanted to hug him back but she couldn't. Athena couldn't move, she couldn't see and she couldn't speak. It was all too much and they were still murmuring in her mind.
Crying like a little idiot, so pathetic
He's going to leave you
You deserve this
"Athena you need to calm down" Remus stated as held onto her shoulders and stared at her face, "breath with me ok?"
She nodded and removed her hands from her eyes as she stared at him. Her vision had been fogged from the tears but she could still see him.
"Breath in" Remus told her and she did so, replacing his voice with the others in her mind.
"Breath out" he continued and Athena did so, feeling the weight in her chest loosen slightly, "now tell me what's going on"
"They won't stop talking, voices in my head all the time" Athena sniffed,
"Voices in your head?" Remus frowned, "saying what?"
"That it's my fault, that I deserve to feel like shit... that everyone blames me and that I should have been better"
She tried not to burst into tears again as she wiped the moisture from her face. Waiting for Remus to reply, she blinked out the remaining fog and stared at him.
"Your anxieties getting worse" Remus frowned, "is it the same as when you couldn't sleep?"
"Worse" Athena mumbled, "I haven't slept properly in ages, I don't eat... I... Remus that's not all"
"What else?" He asked softly,
"They tell me that I don't deserve to be here... they tell me that I'd be better off dead and I... Remus I want to listen to them"
Remus fell quiet again as he stared at her, she was too ashamed to meet his gaze and instead stared at the bed sheets in front of her.
"You've thought about... ending it?"
"All the time" she nodded, "the other day... I went in the bath and I held my head under... I thought I felt some sort of hand holding me down, stopping me from getting out and then I realised no one was there...and I was holding myself down"
Athena didn't cry again but she pulled Remus close to her, placing her forehead on his chest as she felt him rise and fall with every breath,
"I don't want to die Remus... but... sometimes it's all I want because... that's what they tell me"
"I understand" Remus murmured again as he ran his hand over her hair,
"You understand?" Athena sniffed as she moved away so they were looking at each other again, "you mean you've—"
"Thought about ending it?" Remus interrupted, "a lot"
"Why?" She whispered,
"Because I hate myself Rena. I ask myself all the time why it had to be me living this fucked up life, why Greyback had to bite me. I wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't what I am, whether I'd be happy... whether I'd be able to look at myself in the mirror and not want to claw my eyes out. I'm terrified of getting close to people because I think I'm going to hurt them. I hate this fucking life Rena it feels like a curse"
"Remus—"
"I was going to do it one night" he continued, "remember when Sirius pulled that prank on Snape? After I got out of the hospital wing I stood on the edge of the astronomy tower and my mind told me to jump, to end it all. I thought that everything was ok and then I realised that everyone still sees me as a werewolf, Sirius saw me as a way to end his own feud... and I don't blame him anymore because I know he didn't mean it but back then it felt like... I was just a weapon for people to use, rather than a person... so yeah I understand"
"I don't... Remus I'm so sorry"
"Don't you dare be sorry" he murmured, "don't you dare be sorry Rena because you've made everything better, these last few months I haven't even thought about ending it... not once. Since you told me how you really felt you made me realise that some people actually see me rather than the wolf"
"Of course I do because you aren't the wolf" Athena smiled, "I love every part of you and everything about you... I only see you"
"Please don't blame yourself for what happened" Remus sighed, "I've had those voices before, they control you Rena and they tear you apart and I'm not going to stand here and let you do that to yourself"
"Remus I can't help it" Athena sighed,
"Lying in your room alone every day isn't going to help" Remus sighed, "I'm going to help you Rena, I promise you that"
"How?"
"I'm not sure yet but I will because I love you more than I've ever loved anything in the world. You're the reason I'm here Rena... that's not a lie or an exaggeration... without you I don't know where I'd be"
"Do you still hate your life?" Athena murmured awkwardly, "you could have talked to me about it you know"
"I'm not being dramatic Rena but I don't exactly have the easiest life" he sighed as he reached for her hand and held it tightly, "every month I have to prepare myself for one of the most painful experiences ever.. I worry about my friends being there and I worry that one day they won't be able to control me, I worry that when I get angry I'll take it out on you and I hate when you see that side of me"
"Don't" Athena shook her head, "I don't care when you're angry... I was kind of hot when you punched Snape"
Remus laughed as he shook his head, "I'm glad but that was towards Snape, I don't want to take it out on you... I know you hate when I say this but I'll never stop believing that you can do better than me"
"I do hate that because it isn't true" Athena shook her head, "Remus I'm so lucky—"
"To be going out with a werewolf?"
"To be going out with the boy I've loved since before I even know what that word really meant"
The gaze in his eyes warmed her immediately, she knew he didn't fully believe what she was saying. Remus would never understand how she could love him when he could barely even think about loving himself. However he did know how he felt about her and that was enough for him.
"So we're both messed up" Remus smirked, "but we'll get through it together"
"Together" Athena nodded as she placed another hand over his, "I love you Remus Lupin"
"And I love you Athena Sinistra" he smiled.
This was one of the raw truthful moments that neither of them would ever forget in a hurry. Athena moved first and kissed him the way she always did, the way she loved to. She smiled into it as she realised that the voices in her head had gone quiet and were instead replaced with his words.
I love you more than I've ever loved anything in the world.
You're the reason I'm here Rena
You're the reason I'm here
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A/n
Words - 2593
Published- 16th February 2021
That was sad :(