One Month Later - December
Amelia
I lay on my bed, staring out the window while I watch large snowflakes fall from the sky. It's December now, slowly nearing Christmas. I used to love the holiday season but this year is different. This year I feel...empty. Not necessarily sad or angry but just numb to all emotions. My mom suggested I stay at her house for a little while but I just wanted to be home. I just wanted to be alone.
It's Sunday today, which means I won't be entirely all to myself. Harry will call me, somewhere between three and four in the afternoon. It's the arrangement we worked out, as per Maggie's suggestion. I didn't want to cut Harry out completely, for the fear of being too selfish, but I also wanted to distance myself for little while so I could focus on my mental health. Maggie suggested Harry and I talk twice a week - on Sunday's, he calls me, and on Wednesday's, I call him.
Our conversations aren't long but they're meaningful. We've been talking about everything that we kept from each other over the past year or so, most of it being from me. Maggie said we should start the painful process of opening up since we're both awful with communication, apparently. I thought we were doing okay but we must have disconnected at some point and now it's time to figure out how to put it back together. Part of me wishes Harry was here because I think the deeper conversations would be easier that way, but I know this is what's best for both of us, even if he disagrees.
I haven't really been great since Harry left that night. I cried for about three days straight after he left, and then it was on and off for an additional week. But now I'm just numb. I don't feel much. Occasionally my heart will flutter when I hear Harry's voice or when he sends me an occasional text message, but then the feeling comes to an abrupt halt when I remember he's not here with me.
I think I feel so poorly because I realize how much I hurt Harry. I kept secrets from him - secrets that I didn't think were worth sharing but I'm sure they broke him a little that night he left. I should have talked to him sooner. I thought I was doing the right thing but now I'm not so sure I can forgive myself for hurting Harry like that.
My phone rings, interrupting my thoughts, although it's not much of an interruption per-say because it's Harry calling. My heart skips a beat when I see his name on my phone, but like usual it drops to the pit of my stomach from guilt. I bite my lip, trying to suppress the tears forming in the corner of my eyes. It barely works but I can't dwell on it too long because I answer Harry's call before it goes to voicemail.
"Hey," I weakly say, putting the phone on speaker and setting it down beside me on the bed.
"Hi," Harry whispers.
An awkward silence engulfs us, neither of us knowing what to say. This is typically how it goes - an uncomfortable beginning before the tears start on both our ends and we talk things out.
"How are you?" I ultimately ask Harry.
"I'm okay," he answers. He never says he's 'good' or 'great' - it's always just 'okay'. "I saw Gemma today. She says hi..."
I wonder what Harry told Gemma about me? We had talked briefly after things with Harry and I went south. I reached out to her, and Anne, to let them know I still loved him and it was never my intention to hurt him. They were more than understanding and still very supportive of us, but I still wonder what Harry had to say about me. Hopefully nothing awful. He's never been one to bad mouth anyone and I don't think he'd start with me, although I suppose I wouldn't blame him.
"Tell her I say hi, too," I meekly reply.
"I will, love," Harry says. I hear him shift around on the other line, leading me to believe that he too is laying down. "And you? How are you?"
I nearly breakdown at the innocent question. Of course I'm not okay. How could I be? I don't necessarily regret spending time apart from Harry but I do regret how we went about it. Now I'm left picking up the pieces and it sucks, to put it simply.
"I'm okay," I say, although it doesn't sound too convincing. I clear my throat slightly. "I haven't really done much today. I read a little and then stared out the window until you called. It's snowing today,"
"I like the snow," Harry quietly says. "It's pretty,"
"It is,"
We sit in silence again, the air growing heavy between us. Is this how it's always going to be? Will we ever go back to how we were? I'd like to think so but right now it just seems impossible.
"I miss you," Harry says after a couple of moments.
A stray tear falls from the corner of my eye and down my cheek, finally landing in my hair. I hastily wipe away another one before it slides down my face.
"You can't say that, Harry," I shakily tell him. "Not right now,"
I hear him sigh.
"I know. I just...wanted you to know. I'm not trying to make things more difficult..." he says. He clears his throat before continuing. "How is therapy going? Is it helping at all? We didn't really talk about it much the last couple times we talked,"
I feel uncomfortable talking about my therapy sessions with Harry. I had bottled up everything for so long that now it seems weird to talk about with him, but I know I need to. It wouldn't be fair to keep Harry in the dark any more than I already have. Plus, we're supposed to work on our communication. I need to be as open as possible, even if it's uncomfortable and sticky.
"I think it's helping. I'm starting tomorrow to go twice a week instead of just once. Maggie suggested it might be helpful," I tell Harry.
"I hope it is, my love," Harry responds. "Will your insurance cover it? I have a spare credit card there you can use if it's too expensive - "
"No. I don't want to use your card," I cut Harry off, slightly annoyed with his offer although I can't really be mad because I'm sure he meant no harm. "It's one of the few things I can actually pay for. You pay for seemingly everything else - the apartment, the utilities, the cars, even the groceries on most occasions. I can't take more from you,"
Harry goes quiet for a minute, the only sounds on his line being his staggered breathing.
"I just want to help..." he whispers.
I sigh and cover my eyes with my hand. I know he is. Harry's the kindest person that I know. He would never try to buy his way into my life or make me feel subordinate to him on purpose.
"I know, I'm sorry," I tell him, quietly. "It just makes me feel inferior or useless knowing that you pay for everything," I admit.
"You're not useless or inferior. Not at all. I don't want you to feel that way, Amelia,"
"Then let me pay for something, Harry. We talked about it when I agreed to move in with you but then it all went to shit. Let me pay for utilities again, and groceries, at the very least,"
Harry softly sighs. I know he doesn't want to give in. Money has always been a struggle for me but now that I'm working full time, I can afford to for at least some things. Harry spent probably around $15 million on the apartment, although I wouldn't be surprised if it was more. He also pays taxes and common charges, around $7 thousand a month. The utilities aren't nearly that much but it'll make me feel better about living this luxury life - one that I'm just not used to.
"Okay," Harry eventually agrees. "I get the bills electrically so I'll change the email to yours so you get them instead. I already paid for them this month but you can start in January..."
I breathe a sigh of relief.
"Thank you," I tell him.
"Of course, baby," Harry says. "Was that - was that one of the things bothering you?"
I shift around on my bed so I'm laying on my stomach now, as opposed to my back. I sigh and rest my head against my forearms.
"Yes," I tell him, trying to be as open as possible. "But it wasn't the main thing,"
"How have you been doing? You know...on yourself. I want to help but I don't know how. I know you said therapy is helping a little but is it enough?"
I smile at Harry's concern. I love him so much it physically pains me, and I love that he cares for me too. I wish life hadn't gotten so complicated. Part of me made it that way, but I was thrown too many obstacles that I didn't know how to deal with. I'm not ashamed of breaking down, but I hope I can put myself back together again.
"It's been hard, Harry," I admit, feeling myself get a little worked up again. "I hate being here without you but you're helping by giving me space. I've been focusing on my writing - my boss is interested in my novel that I gave him the sample of, did I tell you that? So I've been editing that and finishing it up. Therapy has also been helpful. Maggie suggests joining a gym, not to lose weight but to release 'endorphins'. I think we actually have one in the apartment complex so I might check it out soon...
"I've also been staying off of social media. I deleted my Instagram and deactivated my Twitter. I think everyone's calmed down a bit from your supposed 'affair' but originally, I just couldn't take it. It was borderline cyberbullying and I was addicted to reading what was being said about me - about us,"
Harry pauses before responding, most likely thinking about what to say.
"That's great about your novel, love. You mentioned it to be briefly last week. And I agree with Maggie. Going to the gym has certainly helped me relieve some stress. Let me know if you use the one in the apartment. I've never been there before, actually," he says. He then hesitates before continuing. "I think deleting your social media was the best move you could have made. Sometimes I wish I could do that but I just can't. It's how I communicate with my fans, although it's not much...
"It's an awful world out there. I don't think people realize that you and I can actually see what they're saying about us. Cyberbullying is so...careless. Same goes for the media. They're all just money-hungry individuals that will do anything for a story, hence the 'affair' I supposedly had with Lauren. I know I wasn't in the right with hiding her from you, but the media skewed the story so much just to make a quick buck,"
It makes me happy to know Harry supports my decision with ridding of my social media. I didn't want it to seem like I was hiding, but it's all to keep myself safe. I don't want to spiral again or have a nervous breakdown. I'm supposed to be healing myself, not moving backwards.
"Thank you," I say, just above a whisper. "I know they're awful. I don't know why I got so addicted to reading everything but I hope one day I just won't care anymore, in the best way possible,"
"It'll happen, love. Give it time and I'm always here for you as well. If you ever need validation or anything just let me know,"
My lips tug upwards and my heart flutters just a little bit.
"I will. Thank you, Harry," I say, gently. I sigh again, for seemingly the hundredth time this conversation. "I should go,"
I wish our conversation would never end but I try to keep them minimal. It only makes me miss Harry more the longer we talk and I'm just not ready to ask him to come home. Not right now.
"Okay. I - uh - I'll talk to you Wednesday? Same time?" Harry asks me, his voice slightly cracking.
"Yeah, I'll call you around 8pm your time," I tell him. I bite my lip quickly before adding, "I love you,"
"I love you, Amelia. So much. Please call me if you ever need anything, okay? I'm here for you,"
"I will," I tell him, knowing it probably won't happen but I appreciate his offer. I shift again so I'm on my side, propping my head up with my hand. I shouldn't say what I'm about to, but it's been eating away at me this entire phone call. I think I'd feel worse if I didn't tell him. "Harry?"
"Yes, love?"
"I miss you, too,"
...
Did I finish editing? No, I didn't even start but I just wanted to publish anyway lmao I hope you enjoy xx