Christmas came and went, and except for meeting Gabby and opening the letter, I had a good time with my family. Funny enough, reading Michael's words and pouring my anger out on Gabby felt strangely good. So when I finally met Benjamin again, I felt relieved as if it was him and I that had been arguing and became friends again. The air felt clearer in a way.
Kind of...
"I've missed you, Mousie," he whispered into my neck while hugging me tight. Then he squeezed the air out of me when he lifted me up and swung me in a circle around him.
"Urgh! I've missed you too," I groaned. "Even though you keep forgetting how strong you are. I need oxygen!"
Then I laughed when he spread kisses all over my face before he ended his amorous attack with a smooch right on my lips.
"Did you have a good holiday?"
"That I did. And you?"
"Except from texting you until my thumb hurt and being heartbroken that you weren't here, I had a good time, too. Thanks for the gift, by the way," he smirked and wiggled his eyebrows. "We gotta test that apron when we're alone some time."
Then he gave me an even naughtier look.
"And yes, I'm talking about only the apron."
The thought of Benjamin naked with an apron that said 'Dinner is served', with an arrow that pointed down south, made me gulp in embarrassment. I didn't really think that far when I bought it. It was only meant as a harmless joke.
"Did you like yours?"
"Of course. But really, Benjamin. A necklace was way too much."
"Pff. If I want to spoil my Mousie, then I spoil my Mousie."
He hugged me again and took a deep breath through his nose.
"You smell so good," he murmured. But I pulled away a little bit to show him something. And when I opened the collar of my winter coat, his eyes beamed brighter than the sun itself.
"You're wearing it? Let me see."
"Of course I am. I never took it off. I've worn it since Christmas morning."
Benjamin got a dreamy look on his face while he studied the white gold chain around my neck. The little pendant shaped like a mouse was just perfect.
"I've never been jealous of a necklace before," he murmured.
"Jealous?"
I was confused. But he only smirked.
"One day it'll be my turn."
"Your turn?"
"You know, Mousie? Sometimes you're quite slow."
I gave him a sour look, and he kissed me to make me smile again. Then I felt him smirk against my cheek.
"I wanna dig my face into your cleavage right where that lucky necklace is now," he growled lowly directly into my ear, and sent a shiver through my body that made me moan. Then I blushed at my obvious reaction. Yes, he had that effect on me, and he loved it.
"Hey. I'm a man, and you are way too beautiful for your own good."
My cheeks were burning and I couldn't wipe a silly grin off my face. He sure knew how to make the girls feel like the center of the world. I was literally close to swooning at his feet.
"So, are you ready for our movie date?"
"Yes!" I beamed, and leaned against his chest when he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. But since that was a bit uncomfortable when we started walking, we ended up holding hands instead, and warm, firm fingers laced with mine like a wonderful zip lock.
"Mafia, western or action?" he asked after we'd studied the screen that presented the movies. I was more concerned about the many people around us, and squeezed his hand hard and moved really, really close to him, which caused him to embrace me and kiss the top of my head.
"It's okay, Mia. I know it's difficult for you, but I also know that you are strong. Just picture all these people walking around in bathing suits with polka dots and swimming aid shaped like ducks around their belly."
I burst out laughing.
"See that man over there? The one with a beard and giant man boobs? Imagine him in a lovely bikini and a matching thong."
"Oh, my God! Benjamin!" I whisper-yelled. "That's so rude."
He snickered.
"Probably, but it worked, didn't it?"
I thought about it. He was right. It did work. A little bit, at least. And now I kept seeing all these people strutting around in the silliest swimwear, bathing cap and goggles, and struggled to keep myself from laughing. Especially the large-built, bearded man made me hide my face against Benjamin's neck and giggle.
We decided on the action movie. Did we watch it? Not really. We kept distracting each other with a kissing match, where we competed against each other in kissing the other's palm. Of course, since Benjamin was so much stronger than me, he usually twisted his wrist so I ended up kissing my own, which meant that I lost. And when I gave up with a pout, we ended up making out instead, until a person behind us poked Benjamin harshly on his shoulder and told us to get a room.
So we left before the movie was done and went to grab a burger instead. Not very romantic, but it was fun. Especially when Benjamin secretly started to criticize the poor girl that had made the burgers. He sounded like a sports commentator with a lisp. I laughed until I choked and started coughing, and ended up asking Benjamin to hold my burger so I wouldn't drop it, while I wiped my mouth. And being the true gentleman that he was, he took the job seriously. So seriously that he ate it all.
"Benjamin! That was mine!" I yelled in fake anger. Truth was that I was already full. Besides, he looked adorable with his face stuffed with food and the most guilty look on his face.
"Sowwy!" he mumbled. "I ake yu omefing wen ee gef hoe."
"What?" I laughed. My ribs seriously hurt from laughing so much. Benjamin chewed like crazy and swallowed everything at once. Then he burped and apologized.
"I said, I'll make you something when we get home."
"That's not necessary. I'm not hungry anymore."
"My place or your place?" he questioned, totally ignoring me.
"Uhm..."
"Your place. Dad has visitors, and... Uhm. It might or might not be your aunt."
We looked at each other and tried to keep ourselves from laughing. We failed. With a snort, we broke into a fit of laughter that lasted way down the street, to other people's annoyance or amusement.
"Hey, Mia? Do you mind if I ask you something personal?"
Benjamin studied me thoughtfully as I unlocked the door and turned on the lights.
"Sure," I said lightly, but I felt a stone plummet into my stomach and fill it with nervousness. "What do you want to know?"
He was silent for a while, as if he was trying to figure out how to choose the right words.
"Your anxiety... What caused it?"
My movements slowed down until they came to a complete halt, already before I'd hung up my coat.
"It's okay. You don't have to tell me," he hurried to say when he saw my reaction, and took my coat and hung it next to his.
"What do you want to eat?" he asked casually, clearly trying to free us from the sudden awkwardness that filled the room. But I shook my head.
"I'm not hungry. Honestly."
I swallowed the lump in my throat and reached for his hand. Then I led him to the couch to sit down.
"My mom was a drug addict."
"Your mom?"
"My biological mom."
"I don't understand."
Benjamin had never met my parents, and I hadn't told him much about them, so it was understandable that he was confused.
"I'm adopted. I was adopted when I was four, and I've had the best parents you can think of."
"But...?"
I took a deep breath. He deserved to know the truth.
"When I was born, I had major abstinences. My mom had been a junkie for years, and she even sold... Well, herself. She sold her services to pay for her abuse. And when she got pregnant with me, she didn't care. She kept using heroin, amphetamine, meth... You name it and she took it. So I barely survived the first few days after I was born."
I didn't look at Benjamin when I spoke. I couldn't. I just had to focus on what I was going to say, and it was like I was a foreigner in my own body. Like it was someone else who was talking.
"I was born premature, which probably was what saved me from even further damages. You see, my mom ended up overdosing three times after I was born, until she succeeded in taking her own life about half a year later."
"God..." Benjamin mumbled, grabbed my hand and carefully entangled our fingers.
"Anyway. I survived but have a brain damage that fucks up... What do they call it? Nerve transmitters or something. And I lack certain chemicals in my brain, that inflict my daily life. Pills helps me to level out these imbalances to some degree, but I need stability and predictability to function well. That's why my anxiety was out of control right after I moved here. I swear I'm not usually that bad. It was the environment change and..."
...losing my best friends.
"Well, something happened right before I came here, and I still struggle to deal with it."
"What happened?"
"Please. I don't want to talk about that part. Not yet, anyway."
He nodded and pulled me into his arms as we sat back on the couch, and I immediately curled up into a ball next to him.
"Since my mom died and nobody knew who my dad was, I was sent to foster care. But I ended up being thrown from one family to another because I was too difficult to deal with. I was smaller than other babies my age and I had special needs, and I developed slowly. I cried a lot and I couldn't connect to anyone, because I kept moving to different homes all the time. So eventually, I just gave up. That's why I have such severe trust issues. I don't mean to, but it was etched into my mind already when I was a baby."
I sniffled and blinked away a couple of tears, before I bashfully turned to Benjamin.
"So, I'm sorry it took me a while to upgrade you to 'friend'."
He chuckled and kissed my forehead, but I could see he was emotional from what I told him.
"I was four when I came to who are now my parents, and a couple of years later mom unexpectedly got pregnant and my sister DeeVana was born. Which was a miracle really, because they'd tried everything to conceive."
I didn't elaborate on their difficulties with having their own babies, because I didn't really know much. I only knew it was years of struggling.
"Anyway. They've made sure I got the best treatment available in every possible aspect, which also has included years of therapy. And most importantly; they gave me a safe harbor to build myself up again. Problem was that I didn't know how to build anything. I was just a mess, and in many ways I still am. So yes, I'm slow at certain areas, but I can't really help it. I still have that brain damage, but I'm learning to live with it."
I swallowed.
"It's just hard to be an adult about it."
"Of course. Jesus, Mia... I had no idea."
I smiled at him, which caused more tears to fall when my eyes narrowed. Benjamin was the first person I'd told this, except for Gabby and my therapist. Mom had probably told a few of my teachers, but not in depth. Just enough to make my school days livable. And thanks to that, and Gabby, I managed pretty well.
"Please don't treat me any differently from now on. You've helped me so much, and I don't want things to change. Thanks to you, I'm doing a lot better than when I moved here."
That was true. Benjamin had sailed into my life and taken Gabby's place as my cliff and support, and he refused to let me push him away even when I was at my lowest. He was exactly what I needed right now.
But he wasn't Michael.