Beomgyu's Reasons Why [ BeomJun/ YeonGyu / TaeGyu ]

Now Playing: Tape 3, Side A

TW: derogatory terms. swearing.

Taehyun didn't want to go to school after the conversation he had with his mom the other night. 

"I cared about him so much, Taehyun. I didn't... I didn't think he could do that..."

The boy's heart broke for his mom.

"Do you care for anyone, Tae?" his mother asked, catching him off guard. 

Did he care for anyone? ...anyone other than himself? 

Did Taehyun care about Soobin? Yes, of course. They are friends. 

Did Taehyun care about ZEETA? A bit. He never hung around with them, but weirdly enough, he found himself being concerned that one time Mingi had to have surgery after an accident. He remembered being worried for Hongjoong after he got into a fist fight with a drug dealer. He remembered feeling sadness drape over him that one time he found Wooyoung crying in one of the bathrooms, staring deep into his own eyes at the mirror.

He remembered approaching Wooyoung that time. The elder had forgotten his phone in the cafeteria, so Taehyun set out to look for him to return the device.  

"You all right?" Taehyun had asked, the pile of books he held hugged to his chest. Wooyoung didn't break eye contact with his own reflection. ZEETA members always looked out for each other, and although Taehyun didn't really like Wooyoung, he still found himself in that situation.

Wooyoung continued to ignore him. Taehyun shouldn't be here. But his feet thought otherwise as he paced closer to the guy. 

"Your phone--"

"What the fuck do the best people see in Choi Beomgyu and why do they keep on sticking to him?" Taehyun flinched at the harshness of Wooyoung's statement.

"I don't... I don't see anyone hanging around him nowadays..." There it was again, guilt. The resentful feeling of the ghost of Taehyun's first sin towards Beomgyu. 

"Why did you chose him, Taehyun?" Wooyoung faced Taehyun. The books he had suddenly felt heavier. 

"What's so fucking special about him?"

Taehyun's thoughts were muddled by Woo's threatening stance.

"Ah, right..." Wooyoung chuckled, leaning back a few steps, "You only used him. You didn't actually get attached."

Oh, if only Wooyoung knew. If only he didn't get attached. 

Sentiment, what a bitch.

Ping! Taehyun glanced down to the black iphone settled atop the books he held.

CYJ: why are you telling me this?

CYJ: great, now that i'm talking to u properly, you inbox me?

CJY: he's not a slut, so stop spreading that. and i'm not some object you can play with.

Wooyoung seemed to notice Taehyun's sudden silence. Wooyoung immediately wennt towards him and grabbed his phone, mumbling a, "Forget we had this conversation," as he stomped away.

"Taehyun?"

"Huh--" right, he was still talking to his mother, "I... yeah, Mom. I've cared about someone. I still do."

"Is something wrong?" His mother asked, threading her hands in her son's hair. Only now had she noticed the bags under her son's eyes. Taehyun's smile strained against his cheeks. His mother shouldn't be looking out for him, it should be the other way around. 

He took his mother's hand which was nested on the crook of his neck, right under his jaw, as her thumb caressed his cheek.

Everything is wrong. I did something wrong. I don't deserve to be looked after.

I can't do anything right. 

"Nothing, Mom. I just... I'm just sad I didn't tell you about dad sooner." I'm sad Beomgyu is dead. 

His mother gave a lighthearted giggle, "What was it you said? You cared about someone? Other than me, of course."

"Mom... I... I did some... terrible things..." the kiss? that wasn't the last of what Taehyun has done. Truthfully, Taehyun is so scared of what may come in the next tapes. He knows his name will come up again, because the kiss... wasn't the only sin he's committed. 

"Everyone makes mistakes, Taehyun."

"No. They make mistakes, yes, but they don't... they don't fuck up again and again, over and over." 

His mother didn't flinch like she usually would when Taehyun cursed. 

"And now..." Taehyun's form slowly gravitated into his mother's embrace, "And now..."

Taehyun couldn't form coherent words, all he could do was sob. 

And now, the person I care about is dead.

- 

"Hwang Yeji is was the book I judged too soon, too soon for me to figure out she was nothing like the cover she plastered on herself.

Hyung, she was my senior. She was a staff of the Reader's club. She's a softie, really. She was much like you, Yeonjun-hyung. 

Charming, attention grabber, talented, skilled-- everything everyone wants to be. She also had an overprotective brother.

Yeji once told me that she resented her twin. She spoke of him with so much ill temper I though she wouldn't acre about him anymore. Turns out she was only ashamed of him and of what he has become.

If only she knew she was no better than him.

As you may know, hyung... Hyunjin is bad. Well, at least he fits the dictionary description of the word bad. 

He's the exact opposite of Yeji. Yeji would rather stay in their home reading, while Hyunjin would... well... hand out with drug dealers and getting high.

Is that why you also hated Hyunjin, Yeonjun-hyung? Was it because he reminded you of the friends from your old school you... failed to save?

I see the past haunts everyone in its own way, huh?

Hyung, maybe the reason why I liked you so much was because out of all the people, you were one of those who did something. One of the people who showed a sliver of care towards me and my feelings.

Hyunjin saw the articles published about me. He told Yeji about them. Yeji looked at me with disgust. Of course, she would take her brother's word for it, no matter how much they would fight neck on neck with each other.

Family always outshines a friend. Huh, was I even a friend to her?

I'm... sorry for the punch Hyunjin directed towards your face. It must've hurt... you really didn't have to protect me... I'm used to being people's emotional punching bag... so what difference does it make if they were to turn it physical?

Just like the other people in these tapes... Yeji did nothing. I should have learned from Taehyun, learned from Hoseok hyung..., learned from you...

... that when people are given a choice, they would NEVER choose me, they wouldn't think twice about letting go of me, about making me the sacrificial lamb."

...

a/n: the next chapter is gonna take a while since it's another narration (a long one lmao according to my drafts... HAHAH see ya! and,, tell me your thoughts so far?)