consequences// 5SOS

14

"My throat?"

"No. It happened, and we need to move past it,"

"What if I stop breathing again?"

"Listen to me," she said slowly.

"Okay,"

"Your cancer started here," she said, resting two fingers at the bottom of my torso, "And the longer you kept it a secret, the wider it spread, until it got up here. It's pushing at your lungs, but it's not in them,"

"What do we do?"

"The chemo should begin to shrink it, which will stop it pressing,"

"Okay,"

"Did Lewis look after you?"

"Yeah, I don't want a tube again though,"

"We will avoid that when we can," she smiled, "I am glad you're okay. Would you like a bite to eat?"

"No thanks,"

"Please?"

"I'm not hungry,"

"What have you eaten today?"

"A slice of bacon and a bite of sausage,"

"That is not good enough for someone who needs all the strength they can get,"

"I can't eat,"

"If you don't eat then we pretty much have to force you,"

"You can't make me swallow,"

"No, but we can put in a feeding tube, which you don't want," Lewis said, sitting down on the chair.

"This isn't a choice,"

"I am aware,"

"I can't eat,"

"You have until the end of today to eat a meal,"

"Kaykay,"

"I'm setting clear boundaries. You need to be strong for this treatment because it is harsh,"

"Can you and Ashton stay with me tonight?"

"I can, but I am sending Ash home to sleep,"

"Okay,"

"And I'm gonna take the morning off, then work while you have a sleep after chemo,"

"Then can we go home?"

"Ashton or Sierra will decide that,"

"Please," I begged, "Take me home. Please,"

"We will see,"

"Am I okay to go now?" Lewis said, "I'll check up on you before I leave,"

"Yeah, we will be okay," Kaykay said for me, kissing my head, "Thankyou for keeping her safe,"

Before he went, he put a tube round my face with small bits up my nose, air flowing up them. Kaykay then wiped my tears and kissed my head again, securely holding me.

"I'm exhausted,"

"I know baby,"

"Is Ashton right to not let them do surgery to begin with?"

"I think so. The more we have to remove, the longer the surgery,"

"Okay,"

"When you have it, all our best surgeons are gonna be in on it,"

"Good. My head hurts,"

"Have a sleep,"

"Do not sleep," Luke said, knocking on the door, "Otherwise you will not sleep tonight,"

"Let me sleep,"

"Her head hurts, Luke," Kaykay argued.

"Let the new painkillers kick in. Can you lay on your back for me princess?"

"Not right now,"

"I'll be gentle,"

"Gentle still hurts,"

"I know, and I am sorry,"

Kaykay slid off the bed and pulled the cover below my torso. As he applied pressure, I yelped and clenched my fist, watching him move round.

"That's quite swollen ay?"

"Don't cut me open here,"

"I'm not cutting you open," he chuckled, "Not right now, anyway,"

I pushed his hand away and covered myself up again, closing my eyes.

"Izz, I am sorry that hurt you, but you cannot keep pushing us away. Literally,"

"You don't need to feel it, you have seen the scans,"

"Do not tell me how to do my job," he said, "I understand that you are hurting. You are scared, and tired, but we have to do our job,"

"Not when it hurts,"

"Unfortunately sometimes that's the case. My hands are just like yours, arguably more gentle, but they're not dangerous,"

He held his hands out and I took one, feeling him squeeze it. They were gentle, and soft.

"We are here to help. And sometimes that help bugs you, sometimes it seems unnecessary, or uncomfortable, but all of it is to help. Like Sierra performing that exam when you first came, that was strange and unusual, but it has helped you a lot by allowing us to make a diagnosis,"

"Letting me watch surgeries will help,"

"No. Resting and eating well will help,"

"And keeping my mind busy by watching surgeries,"

"No," Kaykay snapped, "Stop. Just stop. You are pressuring staff who are doing things to help you, and trying to violate the guidelines of the hospital. You are sick, Izz, you have cancer,"

"But,"-

"You have cancer,"

"I'm still human,"

"But you cannot go running after surgeries. There is a hospital to run,"

"I just want something to keep me sane,"

"Surgeries are not it," she said, her eyes glossy, "Surgeries can be traumatic to see as a patient,"

"Well I am not dying. You promised,"

"You promised?" Luke said, letting go of my hand, "Kaykay, you need to step outside,"

"Should she not have promised?"

"Promises in our kind of work are not usually made,"

I looked at Kaykay who had desperation plastered all over her face. Her lip quivered and tears ran down her face. She looked at me, then back at Luke, before turning on her heels and leaving the room, slamming the door on the way.