You Must Remember This

Chapter 6: Major Major Major Major

The new semester brought some changes in class schedules, and students thus had to cope with change. Freshmen spent half the year learning history and the other half learning about their bodies in far too much detail, and so the new freshmen sat down in their new classes and lived again the feeling of being new, only this time they weren't as star-struck. It did not take long for the more observant freshmen to discover that there was something funky about Mr. T, whom some lucky ones met for the first time in their health class. They compared notes with each other, and together they tried to explain incongruities. When Ernest asked Frank to clarify what exactly was wrong with him after the first day of class, Frank responded simply with a grin: "Oh, he's just like any other man, only more so." Ernest didn't think that clarified much.

Mr. T spoke Chinese, having substituted for Mrs. Huang one period, and spoke with a strong Beijing accent and a semblance of sanity many thought she lacked. He also taught some of the advanced English courses, and apparently last year picked up a period of AP Gov, and beyond that upperclassmen told them that he had substituted for practically every class, and could easily teach any full-time. The students then worked at identifying gaps in his knowledge; perhaps Mr. T was best defined at what he was not, rather than what he was. This proved to be a hard question because Mr. T was so obliging with their interrogations, sometimes letting students ask him questions at the end of class: yes, he spoke Spanish, yes, he could play piano, yes, he worked in New York, yes, he wasn't always a teacher. He rarely answered no beyond verifying that he was not a CIA agent, although of course, if he were a CIA agent they doubted he would tell them. And so, after a few weeks, most gave up and simply accepted that Mr. T was Mr. T, a mighty fine teacher and a bringer of surprises.

Alan met all these new stimuli with a constantly flickering facial expression that fell between wonder and horror. Alan believed he had a good sense of what constituted polite conversation. There were some topics, like the weather, that were appropriate for every situation. Everyone, regardless if they cared to discuss the weather, had some thoughts on it—some, like Alan, always believed it was too hot or too cold. Sports were acceptable too, even if many did not share Alan's enthusiasm for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Food was starting to veer on the risky side. Everyone had their own preferences, and Alan could not think to imagine what would happen if he said he liked a food that his conversational partner abhorred. But all of these paled in comparison to the big four that he was supposed to avoid: religion, abortion, politics, and economics—Alan personally chose to use those as an acronym to remember a fifth topic to avoid, which made Beth's jaw drop when he shared his mnemonic with a casual, clever grin. Religion was easy to avoid, as Alan did not practice; when reading texts out loud in English, he never read "God," "Jesus," "Allah," "Zeus," "Osiris," or anything that could potentially offend. Alan was unfamiliar with the exact mechanics of abortions until Mr. T explained in class the panoply of birth control options available; it would be easy to avoid those in polite conversation. Alan was able to maintain his commitment to avoiding politics all of last semester until his history teacher, quite directly, asked him to please comment on that day's activity. Economics was rather simple, and he did not see why it was even controversial at all: if they only printed more money, everyone would be wealthier!

Tom disagreed with Alan's approach on almost every count, considering it insipid, boring, and cowardly. His father had always told him oratory was a tradition invented by the Greeks that had been passed down through the ages, and it was every man's duty to maintain it. Tom had asked once when he was younger and knew little how people functioned then.

"I don't know, Tom, maybe they threw rocks at each other? Or maybe they just beat their chests and howled loudly. Why does it matter? We have civilization now," Mr. Langley responded with a sigh. "I'm busy. Go do your homework."