Gandikota

Inner Conflict

Chenchi was no longer the same girl,he knew ever since they returned from the waterfall. The free spirited, ever talkative girl, was gone, as she became more silent and thoughtful. Where she would come up beside him, sit and talk for hours together, she now just turned her face away, at his very sight, excusing herself. Even during lunch or dinner time,she was often lost in her own world, showing no interest to eat.

"Have you noticed, Chenchi, she seems lost in thought all day, she never speaks to me much either"

Ramalinga really did not know what to reply to the query, as he began to ponder. Did he hold or touch her in a way, which was not appropriate?  Or arouse feelings in her?  Was her silence out of anger towards him or a feeling she could not express? 

He could not really sleep in peace, and spent nights near the large fires, lit to keep the wild animals out. He looked up at the night sky, glittering with a million stars, some one's soul would be there in the heavens. The ghostly silhouettes of the hills around loomed around in the darkness, as mists swirled around him, reflecting his own clouded state of mind.

What did he really know about love? All his life was spent only in battles, that he never really had the time for loving. He could have had the hand of any fair maiden, but he had never really felt for any one. All his life he had been a loner, he was not even the real son of the man, he called his father. All he knew was that he was the son of a courtesan, who was Timma Nayaka's mistress, and when she passed away, he had bought him to the royal household.

And that is why he could never be one of them, he was often reminded of his origins, when kept aside at family gatherings and functions. As a child he was not allowed to sleep with the other princes, or play with them, often pushed away. He grew up a loner in the palace, not knowing a mother's love, he had been too small when she passed away. 

The only one who cared for him was his father, who would often spend hours sitting with him on the gorge, staring at the Penna, as it meandered between the rocky cliffs and canyons. His father told him stories from the Puranas, the Ramayana and the Mahabharata, which had influenced him. 

He looked up at the sky,  again,somewhere there would be the Dhruva Nakshatra, named after the boy, who was banished from the court by his step mother and prayed to Vishnu. He admired those brave warriors like Arjuna, Bhima, Abhimanyu, whose stories he heard. And he had decided, that he would be like them one day.

He had learnt to ride horses, swim rivers, shoot arrows, wield the swords, from his father.  He learnt how to wrestle, stay for hours under water, the only way he could prove his worth to the world, was by being a great warrior. And to be a great warrior, it was not just physical strength, but intelligence too was required.

He went through the Shastras, learnt  about the ancient military strategies, and weapons. He intently listened to the meetings before every battle and learnt fast. And soon he was part of the mighty Vijayanagar Army, what every able bodied youth aspired for. He fought in the siege of Kondavidu,  Udayagiri, and had charged at the battle of Kovilkuntla. 

And soon the battle field became his home,  because his real home, still had no space for him. He had earned the respect of the men he fought with, been hailed in triumph every time he had come back from a campaign, but there was none at home to welcome him with the arathi. He was after all a courtesan's son right, this inspite of the fact that the Raya himself married one.

He was respected, admired and maybe even feared only because of his position, but never received love, except from his father. He had never known what it was to love some one, and this was a totally strange feeling. 

For the first time in his life, he had received love and affection from the Chenchus, for what he was as a human. Peddayya saved his life, even when he had no reason to, he had let him stay not as a guest, but one of their own. Would it be fair to love the daughter of that man, and break his trust?  And his own life was in danger, they would be looking for him more than ever.  Would it be fair on his part, to turn her a widow so young, if something untoward happened to him?

The fires raged higher, reflecting the conflict between heart and mind for Ramalinga. His heart told him to not to supress his love, but his mind constantly threw questions that had no easy answers.

From the corner of the hut, Chenchi looked out, at him, warming himself near the fire. She laid back on the mat of straw, looking upward at the ceiling. She recalled the way he held her when she slipped, and the feeling was different. She had felt her heart pounding like never before. She had felt the blush on her cheeks, her pulse quickening.

She really did not know what to make of it, and so she avoided him every day. She had often shifted her gaze, as she had not the courage to look into those eyes of his.  He could have taken advantage of being all alone with her, but never did.He was everything a woman would desire in a man brave, strong, virtous and wise. But yet how could she cross the rules of the tribe and wed a stranger, whom no one knew where he was from or what he was.

Could she face her father straight into the eyes, and open up on her desire?  Her father who made sure she never missed her mother, she could never bear to see him hurt. The people of the village, treated her like her own daughter, should she hurt them for her own desire.  And what if this stranger was a spy sent by the king, she would never be able to forgive herself. 

And yet she could think of no man in her life but him.